Author Topic: Honeymoon fund dilemma  (Read 5758 times)

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LETitbe

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #45 on: March 04, 2014, 12:14:50 AM »

I know you like to shop, but in this case the hc has chosen a honeymoon registry.  Instead of giving to this fund, send them a check for the amount you want to give.  Then they can use it for the registry, to travel, for household goods, for travel items, etc.

This sounds to me like the "you are only supposed to buy registered items or you are ignoring what they want" school of thought.  But not only is there absolutely no such rule, it may not even be what the couple wants.  Just because a couple has a registry -- any kind of registry -- that doesn't mean that they don't affirmatively want gifts their guests choose for them, too.  What about couples that only register pattern items like linens, dishes, flatware, and stemware -- which until fairly recently was what everyone did -- are you saying that guests should either buy those things or give cash?  Why?  Do you do that for birthdays and Christmas, too -- only give gifts the recipients themselves pre-selected, on the assumption that those are the only welcome gifts?

We all hear about brides who believe their guests must only buy them things they registered.  (On eHell, they are often called bridezilla or gimme-pig.)  But they aren't the only brides out there.  Some people prefer gifts that are the personal expression of the giver, or just plain surprises, or a family heirloom, or special items that aren't available at the two or three stores where they registered.

The point is that it isn't ignoring the couple's wishes to buy them a gift they didn't register for.  The existence of a registry does not mean that the couple wants only those items or else cash.  There surely are some, probably many, such couples, but that does not translate into a presumption for all couples.

I agree.
Honeymoon registries make me feel a little uncomfortable, because they seem to give no option BUT cash. Many people like to shop, and, although cash is helpful to all of us new couples ( ;) ), it's not acceptable for anyone to insist on that and only that, and it's certainly not rude to want to buy something more sentimental.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2014, 02:43:55 AM by LETitbe »

kudeebee

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #46 on: March 04, 2014, 01:41:46 AM »

I know you like to shop, but in this case the hc has chosen a honeymoon registry.  Instead of giving to this fund, send them a check for the amount you want to give.  Then they can use it for the registry, to travel, for household goods, for travel items, etc.

This sounds to me like the "you are only supposed to buy registered items or you are ignoring what they want" school of thought.  But not only is there absolutely no such rule, it may not even be what the couple wants.  Just because a couple has a registry -- any kind of registry -- that doesn't mean that they don't affirmatively want gifts their guests choose for them, too.  What about couples that only register pattern items like linens, dishes, flatware, and stemware -- which until fairly recently was what everyone did -- are you saying that guests should either buy those things or give cash?  Why?  Do you do that for birthdays and Christmas, too -- only give gifts the recipients themselves pre-selected, on the assumption that those are the only welcome gifts?

We all hear about brides who believe their guests must only buy them things they registered.  (On eHell, they are often called bridezilla or gimme-pig.)  But they aren't the only brides out there.  Some people prefer gifts that are the personal expression of the giver, or just plain surprises, or a family heirloom, or special items that aren't available at the two or three stores where they registered.

The point is that it isn't ignoring the couple's wishes to buy them a gift they didn't register for.  The existence of a registry does not mean that the couple wants only those items or else cash.  There surely are some, probably many, such couples, but that does not translate into a presumption for all couples.

That isn't what I am saying at all.  I suggested that if she wants to buy travel related items to talk with the brides mother and get some ideas. She can also ask about other ideas at that time as well.  I was merely suggesting that since there was no other registry with ideas and since she doesn't really want to contribute to the honeymoon fund or really know them--are they combining households, do they not like a lot of clutter, will they have a house or apartment, etc, that sending a check might be easiest.  Then the hc can use it for things they want/need.  Of course she can shop and buy anything she wants to give.

TurtleDove

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #47 on: March 04, 2014, 03:18:32 AM »
You can of course give whatever you want to. Just don't be upset if you "guess" wrong. Hopefully the HC is gracious enough that you never learn that your gift was not to their liking, but if your goal is to be that person who blows the HC away with your thoughtful gift, I suspect you will be disappointed if you give them what *you* think they should want rather than what they said they wanted. Me? If I say I want a zip-line adventure I mean it and while I will thank you for a platter, it will go into storage while photos of the adventure will hang on my wall.

Fleur

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #48 on: March 04, 2014, 05:13:48 AM »
You can of course give whatever you want to. Just don't be upset if you "guess" wrong. Hopefully the HC is gracious enough that you never learn that your gift was not to their liking, but if your goal is to be that person who blows the HC away with your thoughtful gift, I suspect you will be disappointed if you give them what *you* think they should want rather than what they said they wanted. Me? If I say I want a zip-line adventure I mean it and while I will thank you for a platter, it will go into storage while photos of the adventure will hang on my wall.

I totally agree. I also somewhat take exception to the suggestion that older 'established' couples know better than the couple themselves what they want. Not true at all IME. Some people just have very different ideas, and while I agree it is not rude to buy something not on the registry, the idea that something 'the couple didn't even know they want' will turn out to be the best gift is not true. It might be, in some cases, but in most I suspect it wouldn't.

Carotte

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #49 on: March 04, 2014, 08:38:53 AM »
I just wanted to add something that kudeebee has touched on, for items/gifts that are somewhat technical (a tent, camping gear...) and if the recipient of the gift already partake in the activity, chances are that they have a preferred brand or model.
My SO is the kind that reads reviews upon reviews and check everything before buying something. Yes, he will appreciate the gesture if you give him a X brand Thingamagig™ because you've heard he needed a Thingamagig™, but chances are he had his eyes on the Y brand super-Thingamagig™. So the gift will just go to collect dust or be used until he buys the one he really wanted. And he would rather you hadn't bothered or asked him precisely.
Me, I'm in the situation (financially and personal philosophy) that I'm gratefull I got a Thingamagig™ at all and I'll make do until it breaks or needs replacing.

Anyway, another idea for a gift for this couple in particular, how about a gift card to a place that prints photo album? You're giving them something tangible that still ties in with their choice of an experience/travel.

LETitbe

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #50 on: March 04, 2014, 11:55:26 AM »
The OP never said she thinks she knows what the couple wants better than they know themselves. She simply said she likes to shop. If the couple has a specific preference on brands/colors/types of material gifts, they should register for them. This is my exact problem with honeymoon registries- you seemingly have no choice but cash or gift cards. No one is rude to want to give a tangible gift, and I think it's actually pretty greedy to turn your nose up at a gift just because you'd rather have cash...
My husband and I love traveling, too, but we registered for a handful of tangible gifts, because I know people like to shop, and people were asking what we would like. The vast majority of our guests still gave us checks (a lot of which helped fund our HM in France, though we were prepared to pay in full ourselves), but people who didn't want to bought off the registry. And, you know what? Some people just went off registry and gave us what they'd like, and one of those such gifts actually ended up being one of our favorites.
All in all, I really could care less if someone has a honeymoon registry, but I think they're rude if they get upset at receiving something other than cash/a GC.

TurtleDove

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #51 on: March 04, 2014, 12:07:58 PM »
All in all, I really could care less if someone has a honeymoon registry, but I think they're rude if they get upset at receiving something other than cash/a GC.

I think everyone agrees that a HC would be rude to express being upset.  I also think a gift giver would be rude to express disgust at a HC asking for what they want on their registry, or to express being upset that their non-registry gift is not appreciated. It seems rather judgy to expect anyone else to share your (general) opinions on what wedding gifts should be given or more appreciated.  For me, I had such a small wedding that I didn't register, but if I  were to register or ask for gifts it certainly would not be flatwear or platters.  It would be skydiving or cavediving or a jungle safari.

Kaymar

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #52 on: March 04, 2014, 12:39:43 PM »
All in all, I really could care less if someone has a honeymoon registry, but I think they're rude if they get upset at receiving something other than cash/a GC.

I think everyone agrees that a HC would be rude to express being upset.  I also think a gift giver would be rude to express disgust at a HC asking for what they want on their registry, or to express being upset that their non-registry gift is not appreciated. It seems rather judgy to expect anyone else to share your (general) opinions on what wedding gifts should be given or more appreciated.  For me, I had such a small wedding that I didn't register, but if I  were to register or ask for gifts it certainly would not be flatwear or platters.  It would be skydiving or cavediving or a jungle safari.

TurtleDove, may I ask you about not registering?  Because that is really what I would like to do.  As I explained in another thread, our wedding will be tiny - somewhere in the neighborhood of 42-46 guests, no bridesmaids or wedding showers or any of that.  I just feel weird registering for presents.  But I've read that some people get really offended if you don't register, or think it means you secretly want just cash, which I don't.  I just want people to come and have fun.  Anyway, sorry to thread-jack, but may I ask how your guests/family responded to you not having registered?

TurtleDove

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #53 on: March 04, 2014, 01:01:31 PM »
TurtleDove, may I ask you about not registering?  Because that is really what I would like to do.  As I explained in another thread, our wedding will be tiny - somewhere in the neighborhood of 42-46 guests, no bridesmaids or wedding showers or any of that.  I just feel weird registering for presents.  But I've read that some people get really offended if you don't register, or think it means you secretly want just cash, which I don't.  I just want people to come and have fun.  Anyway, sorry to thread-jack, but may I ask how your guests/family responded to you not having registered?

I had a sortof unique situation in that this was my third wedding*, my husband's second, and I was 39 with one child and he was 47 with three children.  We had 22 people total (9 were children), including us, at our wedding, and asked for no gifts aside from well wishes and attendance.

*I eloped at age 25 and (obviously) did not register.  I don't recall anyone being upset and some people sent us gifts but it wasn't really a "big deal" kind of thing.  I divorced at age 30.  I married again at age 36, and because it was my second wedding it was small (I think 75 people) and I did not register.  Again, people did give us gifts but it wasn't really a "big deal" kind of thing.  I was widowed within a year, and again married at age 39 last July.  Being that this was a (cringe) third wedding for me, we did not register (and it would have been very strange if we had). 

Oh - to answer your question, I don't think anyone thought, "TurtleDove just wants cash," both because the people invited know me and think well of me, and know that I was simply so happy to have love in my life after some pretty tragic events.  Honestly, aside from on this board, I have not heard of believing people to be gimme pigs relating to their weddings.  This is probably becuase I genuinely like the people whose weddings I would attend, and would either not be invited to or not attend the wedding of someone I would label a gimme pig!
« Last Edit: March 04, 2014, 01:05:32 PM by TurtleDove »

Kaymar

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #54 on: March 04, 2014, 01:09:16 PM »
That helps and does make sense.  Ours is a first wedding for both of us, though I am on the older side for a first-time bride (i.e. over 40 - my fiance is 10 years younger).  If it makes one or more of our guests happy to give us a gift and they are so moved, then I'm not going to rain on the parade, but in general I just want our close people there.  If I want new sheets, I can buy them.  And I definitely do NOT want people to give us money, which is why I was disturbed when I read elsewhere that not registering is some kind of "signal" that you want cash.

TurtleDove

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #55 on: March 04, 2014, 01:20:31 PM »
That helps and does make sense.  Ours is a first wedding for both of us, though I am on the older side for a first-time bride (i.e. over 40 - my fiance is 10 years younger).  If it makes one or more of our guests happy to give us a gift and they are so moved, then I'm not going to rain on the parade, but in general I just want our close people there.  If I want new sheets, I can buy them.  And I definitely do NOT want people to give us money, which is why I was disturbed when I read elsewhere that not registering is some kind of "signal" that you want cash.

Aside from on this board, I don't think it is.   ;)

You know your friends and family and they know you.  Presumably they love and respect you and will know what you are like and won't look for ways to find fault with you.  I wouldn't worry about it sending any sort of a signal to not register.  And congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

Kaymar

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #56 on: March 04, 2014, 01:24:19 PM »
That helps and does make sense.  Ours is a first wedding for both of us, though I am on the older side for a first-time bride (i.e. over 40 - my fiance is 10 years younger).  If it makes one or more of our guests happy to give us a gift and they are so moved, then I'm not going to rain on the parade, but in general I just want our close people there.  If I want new sheets, I can buy them.  And I definitely do NOT want people to give us money, which is why I was disturbed when I read elsewhere that not registering is some kind of "signal" that you want cash.

Aside from on this board, I don't think it is.   ;)

You know your friends and family and they know you.  Presumably they love and respect you and will know what you are like and won't look for ways to find fault with you.  I wouldn't worry about it sending any sort of a signal to not register.  And congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

Thank you very much, on all counts!

LETitbe

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #57 on: March 04, 2014, 01:48:42 PM »
All in all, I really could care less if someone has a honeymoon registry, but I think they're rude if they get upset at receiving something other than cash/a GC.

I think everyone agrees that a HC would be rude to express being upset.  I also think a gift giver would be rude to express disgust at a HC asking for what they want on their registry, or to express being upset that their non-registry gift is not appreciated. It seems rather judgy to expect anyone else to share your (general) opinions on what wedding gifts should be given or more appreciated.  For me, I had such a small wedding that I didn't register, but if I  were to register or ask for gifts it certainly would not be flatwear or platters.  It would be skydiving or cavediving or a jungle safari.

Well, I don't just mean expressing disapproval to the actual gift giver, I also meant the general sentiment here, as well. The OP explicitly said she wanted to give a tangible gift, yet all the comments seem to be insisting anything other than a check or GC is inappropriate. I just disagree.
And, yeah, no one said that you had to ask for a platter, but there is an in between, here. Neither of the gifts you mentioned are tangible, and some people just prefer to give tangible gifts. REI offers registries, and plenty of other stores offer things like board games, luggage, whatever kind of tangible items a couple might make use of. Not everyone wants a kitchen aid, that's fine.
I personally give checks or GCs, that's what I prefer as a gift, too, but some people just don't feel comfortable giving that, for whatever reason. I think it's only fair to offer gift givers a middle ground. My grandma really likes giving people china, but I don't want any china, so I didn't register for it. She didn't insist on getting me china, even though I know that's her gifting preference, but she did want to buy me something tangible, so she chose something off my registry that I could actually use. It's not always about buying a platter for someone who doesn't want one, it's about wanting to give a tangible gift versus an experience gift.
Finally, I don't think registries or lack thereof are a summons for a guest. A gift giver can give whatever they'd like, but they might want a few clues as to the recipient's preferences. I just think you're less likely to be disappointed if you give the gift giver a few options or ideas, rather than dig your heels in and find nothing other than an experience acceptable.
Also, I don't really understand the comments about being able to buy your own home goods...surely the same can be said about your experiences?

TurtleDove

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #58 on: March 04, 2014, 02:02:10 PM »
The OP explicitly said she wanted to give a tangible gift, yet all the comments seem to be insisting anything other than a check or GC is inappropriate. I just disagree.
...
It's not always about buying a platter for someone who doesn't want one, it's about wanting to give a tangible gift versus an experience gift.
...
Finally, I don't think registries or lack thereof are a summons for a guest. A gift giver can give whatever they'd like, but they might want a few clues as to the recipient's preferences. I just think you're less likely to be disappointed if you give the gift giver a few options or ideas, rather than dig your heels in and find nothing other than an experience acceptable.
Also, I don't really understand the comments about being able to buy your own home goods...surely the same can be said about your experiences?

I don't think you were responding to me (even though my post was quoted) but I'll respond to this. I snipped since the quote tree was long.

No one is "insisting anything other than a check or GC is inappropriate" (or if they are, I missed it). Some of us are saying that it is fine to want to give a tangible gift, but you have to accept that it may not be appreciated in the way you might want it to be. I also don't think anyone has said to "dig your heels in and find nothing other than an experience acceptable."  It isn't about anything being "acceptable" or not.  It is that if a person truly wants an experience, well, something "tangible" is not going to be as appreciated.  Of course it is fine to give whatever you want to give.  In terms of buying one's own home goods, I didn't say that, but for me, I already have all I need for my house.  I can always have more experiences.

gellchom

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #59 on: March 04, 2014, 02:32:48 PM »
Sorry I misunderstood you, Kudeebee.  To me, your comment
Quote
I know you like to shop, but in this case the hc has chosen a honeymoon registry.  Instead of giving to this fund, send them a check for the amount you want to give.
 
sounded like you meant because the couple didn't register for anything except the honeymoon, the OP should presume that they don't want tangible gifts.  And actually, your more recent remark that
 
Quote
if a person truly wants an experience, well, something "tangible" is not going to be as appreciated. 
I respectfully disagree.  That was my point: that someone's registering only for "experience" gifts does not mean that that is all they "truly want" or that they will appreciate tangible gifts less.  (And vice versa for those who register only tangibles -- that doesn't mean they wouldn't love experience gifts.  We did). 

In your formulation, there is no room for the couple that would love for the guests to choose gifts themselves, and therefore either register only sets and patterns and perhaps a few other items, or don't register at all.  I know you definitely are NOT saying the guests MUST choose only registry items or give cash.  But the presumption you suggest seems to pretty much amount to the same thing.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2014, 02:46:00 PM by gellchom »