Author Topic: Honeymoon fund dilemma  (Read 6717 times)

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Kaymar

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #75 on: March 05, 2014, 04:40:51 PM »
You know what? Start saying this sort of thing:

"Oh, I don't even know what to suggest to people as gift ideas. I'm just so flummoxed by the whole thing anyway, and I'm really uncomfortable with gifts of money. People should just come without a gift. Honestly. I suppose if someone really wanted to get us a gift, they should pick something they think will be really, really useful, or else something they just think is beautiful. It will be fun to be surprised, actually. But honestly? I'm uncomfortable with the whole gift thing anyway, so I'll be just as glad if people don't give us a wedding gift."

You have 45 people or so, right? So that's about 25 households, maybe? Start saying that stuff now, and it'll trickle around.

And people will probably get you gifts anyway, no matter what you say, but at least you'll get useful, beautiful, and meaningful stuff (even if you do send some of it to the Goodwill).

You're right about the size of the wedding and the composition (almost all couples, so about 20 households).  I think that's what we should, and will do.  I assume we will start getting questions about this sort of thing once the invitations go out (September wedding, so they haven't yet), and that's pretty much how I feel, so it would be a natural response. I've already made it clear to the close friends who suggested a shower that I'm not comfortable with having one, so it won't be a shock that I am not out there with a registry wand :)

Hmmmmm

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #76 on: March 05, 2014, 05:13:03 PM »
I think the takeaway is to give whatever you want to give, and to be thankful for whatever you are given. I just think it is naive and self-centered to expect that your (general) gift will or should be more appreciated because of the thought you put into it.  I don't think there is anything wrong with preferring to be given what we said we prefer, whether that is flatware or handmade quilts or zipline adventures.   It doesn't make us shallow to not want for ourselves what you want to give us.  You might hit the nail on the head with your off-registry "this is what I want to give them" gift, and that's great!  But if your motivation is to be thought of as "Sally - she never buys from the registry but always finds just the right thing!" I expect you will be disappointed with the reality (although hopefully you will simply be graciously thanked even though your thoughtful gift goes into storage).

TurtleDove, you are the one who stated that if you want to assure your gift is appreciated, give from the registry.

I stated that as a gift recipient that was not all ways the case. That I received and treasured gifts that were given to me not on my registry. 

How are you taking that comment to try and paint me as naive and self centered about how I choose gifts?

I seldom, if ever, buy off the registry because I am not a good gift selector. But I appreciate it when others have that ability and take the time to use it on choosing an item for me.

TurtleDove

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #77 on: March 05, 2014, 05:49:58 PM »
Hmmmmm, your post confuses me because I didn't direct anything to you and didn't say it is wrong to give off registry or that non registry gifts are never appreciated.

LETitbe

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #78 on: March 05, 2014, 07:38:25 PM »
I think the takeaway is to give whatever you want to give, and to be thankful for whatever you are given. I just think it is naive and self-centered to expect that your (general) gift will or should be more appreciated because of the thought you put into it.  I don't think there is anything wrong with preferring to be given what we said we prefer, whether that is flatware or handmade quilts or zipline adventures.   It doesn't make us shallow to not want for ourselves what you want to give us.  You might hit the nail on the head with your off-registry "this is what I want to give them" gift, and that's great!  But if your motivation is to be thought of as "Sally - she never buys from the registry but always finds just the right thing!" I expect you will be disappointed with the reality (although hopefully you will simply be graciously thanked even though your thoughtful gift goes into storage).

I think you're still missing the point (or just ignoring it) that people feel differently about cash versus tangible gifts. This isn't an issue of "giving someone a gift that they want, or giving what you want", this is an issue of giving the option of money or a tangible gift, or not giving people an option at all and expecting people to just accept that as your "preference". I also think it's a bit absurd to call people self centered because they don't want to give cash, or the equivalent, just because you prefer it. The arguments for why people only want cash, or a HM registry, are much more naive and self-centered the way I see it. You (general) are not the only one in the history of the world who might prefer cash to do something you want with- that's not how gifts work.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2014, 07:40:48 PM by LETitbe »

TurtleDove

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #79 on: March 05, 2014, 08:40:00 PM »
You misunderstand me. I don't prefer cash. I don't ask for any gifts. I haven't ever registered. I am saying that if a person isn't a "tangible gift" person, you may give a wonderfully thoughtful gift....that makes you feel good but is not the "slam dunk" you think it is for the recipients. If you are okay with that, fantastic!

LETitbe

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #80 on: March 05, 2014, 08:49:56 PM »
You misunderstand me. I don't prefer cash. I don't ask for any gifts. I haven't ever registered. I am saying that if a person isn't a "tangible gift" person, you may give a wonderfully thoughtful gift....that makes you feel good but is not the "slam dunk" you think it is for the recipients. If you are okay with that, fantastic!

For someone who keeps insisting that people are misunderstanding you, it's interesting that you ignored the fact that I said explicitly that I give cash or registry gifts. Not really sure if you've read anything I've said, honestly, so I'll just stop repeating myself. You're being really offensive with your sarcasm and name calling, though.

OP, hope you figure out a gift you'll be happy sending. Best of luck.

TurtleDove

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #81 on: March 05, 2014, 09:01:55 PM »
I am confused - all my "you"s are general and I didn't engage in sarcasm or name calling. Anywho.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2014, 09:03:59 PM by TurtleDove »

katycoo

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #82 on: March 05, 2014, 09:33:59 PM »
I agree. I'm a little concerned about saying that the gifts that will be "most" appreciated are the ones that are from the registry.

That wasn't my case at all. I truly appreciated all my wedding gifts. But the ones I remember most were the ones that were off registry and were things that someone took the time to select for my DH and I. I was over the moon with all the china and flatware place settings I received and still use on a very regular basis. But I was just as thrilled and honored by the gifts that demonstrated that someone took the time to select something unique for us.

For me, it depended on the gift.  I got several gifts off registry.  Some were lovely and memorable.  Others, I didn't appreciate as much - not on principle, but simply ebcause the gift given was not something I will use, nor to my taste is style.

LETitbe

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Re: Honeymoon fund dilemma
« Reply #83 on: March 05, 2014, 09:42:36 PM »
I agree. I'm a little concerned about saying that the gifts that will be "most" appreciated are the ones that are from the registry.

That wasn't my case at all. I truly appreciated all my wedding gifts. But the ones I remember most were the ones that were off registry and were things that someone took the time to select for my DH and I. I was over the moon with all the china and flatware place settings I received and still use on a very regular basis. But I was just as thrilled and honored by the gifts that demonstrated that someone took the time to select something unique for us.

For me, it depended on the gift.  I got several gifts off registry.  Some were lovely and memorable.  Others, I didn't appreciate as much - not on principle, but simply ebcause the gift given was not something I will use, nor to my taste is style.

That's definitely true. We got a personalized frame with the wrong wedding date-- I definitely wouldn't recommend that as a wedding gift!!