The cut direct's spouse

[Jocelyn]

Ok, I have decided to give a particular man the cut direct, should I ever run into him again. Let's just say that he did something that, if we were 17th century gentlemen, would have resulted in pistols at dawn. 
What should I do if I encounter him and his wife in public?
This is complicated by my knowing his temper and vindictiveness, so that I am somewhat afraid that he would become irate with her if she were civil to me.

[SamiHami]

When you give the cut direct, that person no longer exists in your world. Should you run into him you simply do not see him, you do not hear him and you do not acknowledge his presence in any way, shape or form.

With regard to his wife, sometimes giving the cut direct to one person means giving the CD to that person's partner as well. Not that it is necessarily fair or right but it may be the only practical thing to do. I don't see how you could maintain an friendship/acquaintanceship with the spouse of someone you refuse to recognize as existing. If that means the wife is confused or bewildered by being cut then perhaps that is a price that she pays for staying with someone whose behavior is outrageous enough to be given the cut to begin with.

[Mergatroyd]

POD.
Cut one, cut them both.

[cicero]

When you give the cut direct, that person no longer exists in your world. Should you run into him you simply do not see him, you do not hear him and you do not acknowledge his presence in any way, shape or form.

With regard to his wife, sometimes giving the cut direct to one person means giving the CD to that person's partner as well. Not that it is necessarily fair or right but it may be the only practical thing to do. I don't see how you could maintain an friendship/acquaintanceship with the spouse of someone you refuse to recognize as existing. If that means the wife is confused or bewildered by being cut then perhaps that is a price that she pays for staying with someone whose behavior is outrageous enough to be given the cut to begin with.

you know it's never that simple.

and this happened to me when i was married to my second husband. he had a colossal, cut-direct-worthy fight with our best friend and never thought to mention it to me (including his driving out to her house and yelling and threatening her!). I was surprised when our usual weekly call didn't take place, emails went unanswered, i asked idiot then-husband who said "i don't know what's wrong". finally caught up with friend and she told me that she had to "break up" with my then-husband and since i am his wife it kind of goes together. I got the whole story from both sides, understood who was right and who was wrong, and told my friend that as far as i'm concerned, i don't want to "break up" with them. we continued to have an uneasy friendship but it was difficult as it's hard to be friends with one half of a couple.

as it turned out, I ended up getting divorced from idiot husband and i'm glad that those friends remained my friends. I don't know what would have happened had we not gotten divorced. And it's not always simple - sometimes the spouse is your sister or parent - and it's not always simple to just cut them off.

[AmethystAnne]

I think giving the CD to the innocent spouse is rude, especially if you(general) run into him/her when the OffensivePerson is elsewhere.

And if you(general) run into them both, why couldn't you glance at OffensivePerson and then look at & say hello to Spouse, and then go on about your business?

[Hmmmmm]

When you give the cut direct, that person no longer exists in your world. Should you run into him you simply do not see him, you do not hear him and you do not acknowledge his presence in any way, shape or form.

With regard to his wife, sometimes giving the cut direct to one person means giving the CD to that person's partner as well. Not that it is necessarily fair or right but it may be the only practical thing to do. I don't see how you could maintain an friendship/acquaintanceship with the spouse of someone you refuse to recognize as existing. If that means the wife is confused or bewildered by being cut then perhaps that is a price that she pays for staying with someone whose behavior is outrageous enough to be given the cut to begin with.

you know it's never that simple.

and this happened to me when i was married to my second husband. he had a colossal, cut-direct-worthy fight with our best friend and never thought to mention it to me (including his driving out to her house and yelling and threatening her!). I was surprised when our usual weekly call didn't take place, emails went unanswered, i asked idiot then-husband who said "i don't know what's wrong". finally caught up with friend and she told me that she had to "break up" with my then-husband and since i am his wife it kind of goes together. I got the whole story from both sides, understood who was right and who was wrong, and told my friend that as far as i'm concerned, i don't want to "break up" with them. we continued to have an uneasy friendship but it was difficult as it's hard to be friends with one half of a couple.

as it turned out, I ended up getting divorced from idiot husband and i'm glad that those friends remained my friends. I don't know what would have happened had we not gotten divorced. And it's not always simple - sometimes the spouse is your sister or parent - and it's not always simple to just cut them off.

Your example highlights to me why you have to break with both spouses. It's a shame you went through a period of not knowing why your close friendship was over, but there was no way you two could remain as close. So in public when you encounter the two you do not speak to either and you avoid all contact as much as possible, if you encounter the non-evil spouse alone, you can give a hello or smile but you shouldn't try to engage much more than that.

In families it will be harder but you will not be able to retain the same relationship with a brother if you feel his spouse is dead to you. It's unfair to put him in the position of choosing between you and his wife. And his wife will not appreciate his retaining a relationship with someone who has issued the greatest social cut of all.

[Mikayla]

Maybe there's not a one size fits all answer to this.  As someone mentioned, if it's your sister's husband, that's a very different situation than if this is a guy who used to be a co-worker.

[GratefulMaria]

I can't help remembering the scene in "Gone With the Wind" where Scarlett and Rhett are walking with their daughter Bonnie and the Atlanta matrons (off-camera) are greeting them, one after another, with a warm and affectionate "Good morning, Captain Butler!" followed by a frigid, "Hello, Scarlett."

[Outdoor Girl]

When they are together in public, you give the cut direct to both of them.  But if you have a good relationship with the wife, I don't see anything wrong with socializing with her separately one on one or in a situation that would naturally exclude her husband, like a girls' night.

I didn't give him the cut direct but I did not care for a friend of mines boyfriend at all.  When I socialized with my friend, it was only the two of us.  I might have seen him in passing while picking her up but I made sure that any plans we had involved minimal contact with him.  She knew how I felt and never tried to force the issue.  Fortunately, she broke up with the guy and is now happily married to a nice guy and they have a 6 yr old daughter.

[Venus193]

I can't help remembering the scene in "Gone With the Wind" where Scarlett and Rhett are walking with their daughter Bonnie and the Atlanta matrons (off-camera) are greeting them, one after another, with a warm and affectionate "Good morning, Captain Butler!" followed by a frigid, "Hello, Scarlett."

Indeed!  These matrons were chafing under the rule that they had to be polite even if it hurt.

[Jocelyn]

I'm not trying to maintain a friendship with her; it would be impossible so long as she is still married to him, IMO. I was just thinking about situations such as running into them at the mall, or coming out/going into a restaurant- situations where she might say hello to me. I mean, under those circumstances, I would probably say hello to a complete stranger, should they say hello to me. (hey, it's a relatively rural area- people say howdy to total strangers. )

[Hmmmmm]

I'm not trying to maintain a friendship with her; it would be impossible so long as she is still married to him, IMO. I was just thinking about situations such as running into them at the mall, or coming out/going into a restaurant- situations where she might say hello to me. I mean, under those circumstances, I would probably say hello to a complete stranger, should they say hello to me. (hey, it's a relatively rural area- people say howdy to total strangers. )

Yes, in those instances I would nod a greeting to her as we passed.

[Slartibartfast]

The cut direct - literally acting as if you can't see or hear the person - is awkward for everyone around you.  I think a case like this would be made much easier by just being coolly civil to the wife.  Ignore him completely, greet her with a polite hello but no indication you want to talk further, and then move on.