Author Topic: Eating a present you gave someone  (Read 9498 times)

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JenJay

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #15 on: February 17, 2014, 10:15:53 PM »
I like the idea of setting a portion aside for DD to have after the grandparents leave. I think eating the last two pieces was definitely rude.

Does DD notice that her cookies are gone? Does she fuss about it? If so I would explain to her that Grandma brings the treat for everyone to share and they aren't just for her (even though grandma calls them "hers"). I'd then sent MIL a note and tell her that it's upsetting for DD to be told the treat is hers and then only get a piece or two, but of course you want everyone to enjoy it, so it would be best if she didn't tell DD the shortbread was for HER. She can either bring the treat as a gift intended for DD or she can set it out for everyone and help herself to as much of it as she wants. Not both.

Bluenomi

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #16 on: February 17, 2014, 11:35:01 PM »
I like the idea of setting a portion aside for DD to have after the grandparents leave. I think eating the last two pieces was definitely rude.

Does DD notice that her cookies are gone? Does she fuss about it? If so I would explain to her that Grandma brings the treat for everyone to share and they aren't just for her (even though grandma calls them "hers"). I'd then sent MIL a note and tell her that it's upsetting for DD to be told the treat is hers and then only get a piece or two, but of course you want everyone to enjoy it, so it would be best if she didn't tell DD the shortbread was for HER. She can either bring the treat as a gift intended for DD or she can set it out for everyone and help herself to as much of it as she wants. Not both.

She was certainly fussed the time MIL finished them. Her slightly sad mood turned into a full on tantrum when the promised treat didn't appear. It's not fun for a 3 year old to open the tin with the treats in it and find if empty when it had been half full last time she opened it.

I think in future I'll take out a good portion of them for DD and hide them so she gets some. I'll leave a few for MIL to eat out and let her know if she's going to tell DD she made them just for her, she better not expect her to share.

delabela

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #17 on: February 18, 2014, 12:00:52 AM »
I don't think MIL is being rude, per se, but rather that this is a case of different expectations.  I completely agree with the poster who noted that it's likely what MIL is actually trying to say is "I know you love these so I made them" rather than "here are a bunch of cookies that are a present for you and you alone".  This seems particularly likely given that they are (apparently) staying in your home with you - when I visit family, there are often treats made that are a particular favorite of mine and are made because I am there, but it's expected that everyone else will partake (and this is obviously a little different with a child - I wouldn't take the last of something if I knew a kiddo was looking forward to it). 

So maybe next time, you can talk with your daughter before about how nice it is that MIL makes these and everyone really likes them (setting up the expectation that they are shared) and then put some away to make sure DD gets her share. 

weeblewobble

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #18 on: February 18, 2014, 01:34:42 AM »
It strikes me as particularly crazy making that Grandma took the last two (TWO) cookies for herself. She made these treats "for her granddaughter" and then she eats the last of them, leaving nothing for the little girl? It's thoughtless on a level I don't understand.

peaches

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #19 on: February 18, 2014, 03:58:59 AM »
I think in future I'll take out a good portion of them for DD and hide them so she gets some.

That's a good idea. It would solve the problem without being confrontational.

and let her know if she's going to tell DD she made them just for her, she better not expect her to share.

This could offend your MIL. She might stop making shortbread altogether!

If MIL questions where the rest of the cookies went, I would say "I put some aside for DD. She loves them so much, and she loves that her grandma makes them for her."


« Last Edit: February 18, 2014, 04:34:04 AM by peaches »

Runningstar

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #20 on: February 18, 2014, 05:43:35 AM »
I think in future I'll take out a good portion of them for DD and hide them so she gets some.



This could offend your MIL. She might stop making shortbread altogether!

If MIL questions where the rest of the cookies went, I would say "I put some aside for DD. She loves them so much, and she loves that her grandma makes them for her."
I would open them up immediately, let DD have one no matter how late, take at least a layer or two out and hide it.  If anyone other that DD asks, I'd say that I ate them.  Shortbread is just a great cookie, but well made shortbread is worth more effort and yes, even deceit. 

Coralreef

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #21 on: February 18, 2014, 08:38:22 AM »
I find that rude, maybe because the same thing kept happening to me.  The present is for your DD.  If MIL and FIL want the treat so bad, they should not bring it as a gift, but admit it is for them and you guys can have a share.  Your DD is Young, you don't want her to feel that gifts are something that are given to you but still don't belong to you anyway.

Or she can make a batch at your home just before leaving.  That would be the gift.

[/right

GrammarNerd

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #22 on: February 18, 2014, 08:59:17 AM »
The grandma taking the last ones when she knows your DD loves them and when she presented them to your DD as HER present is just....wrong.

I agree with the pp who sort of said that this is a matter of perception.  MIL thinks of them more as a hostess gift for your family, but like people do with a lot of little kids, they make things more 'personal' for the child.  So she said they were for your DD when she doesn't really intend that at all.

I don't think it should be hidden from your MIL what happened when she ate the last couple of pieces and left none of your DD's supposed present for her.  Let her know about how upset your DD was and how SHE is perceiving it.  I've had to do this with people (even my DH); "Look, she's a little kid.  She believes you when you say X.  She doesn't understand that you're joking/she doesn't understand the nuances of a household gift."

So before the next visit, I might call MIL on the phone when plans are being made and say something like: "Hey, MIL?  I was just wondering....are you planning on bringing shortbread again like you often do?  Oh, good, that would be wonderful.  Yours always turns out better than mine; you have that touch!  But hey, can I ask a favor?  Usually when you come, you give it to DD and say you made it for her.  When she hears that, she thinks the whole batch is exclusively for her, not that you just happened to make THAT particular thing because she likes it.  She's THREE, and she takes those types of statements very literally and expects that it will all be hers; that it won't be shared among everyone.  Last time, right after you left, she opened the tin to find it all gone, and she was SO disappointed.  She started crying and I just couldn't console her because she wanted HER treat and she didn't understand why it was all gone, already.  Yeah, she REALLY likes your shortbread.  So for the favor .... when you bring it, please don't say it's all for her unless that's really true.  I just don't want her to be disappointed again if she sees everyone eating what she thinks is just HER present.  Or if you want to portion some out just for her, and some for the rest of us to share, that would be fine too.  But she needs to know that if someone gives HER something and specifically tells her that, that the thing really is for just HER and other people won't take it."

Sometimes people just need a reminder of the three-year-old mindset, and how they are coming across. 

nayberry

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #23 on: February 18, 2014, 09:18:13 AM »
^^^ wot GN said!!

i would expect that if a gift is given to a child , food or otherwise, it belongs to the child.  parents can monitor how much the child has of it at one time, but it is still the childs. like easter eggs, if the child offers you some then thats lovely, if not then it's not a big deal as it was bought for them.

AnnaJ

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #24 on: February 18, 2014, 09:20:21 AM »
Why not just ask MIL to set aside some of the cookies - maybe wrap them or put them in a container - and when she arrives she can hand them to your daughter and say those are her cookies.

I don't see MIL (or FIL) as being rude, they are bringing a hostess gift.  The problem, as many have said, is in the presentation.

VorFemme

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #25 on: February 18, 2014, 09:24:00 AM »
I'm wondering if the reason that Grandma's shortbread tastes different is that there is a regional difference in ingredients - perhaps Grandma could be persuaded to make an extra batch during the visit as hers is just "perfect" and DD would love it even more if she got to watch Grandma make it.

Mom could find out if she needs to use unsalted vs. salted butter or some other "tweak" to the recipe that doesn't seem like it would make that big a difference in taste....but does.  And if Mom's shortbread gets tastier, then DD and MIL's son would get more shortbread "just like Grandma makes only Mom made it so it's fresh"!
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123sandy

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #26 on: February 18, 2014, 09:26:31 AM »
I think part of the visit should be Granny and Grandaughter baking time, so they can make shortbread together. That or get daughter her own little tin/storage jar that's off limits to grown ups?

KarenK

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #27 on: February 18, 2014, 09:47:01 AM »
I'd set some aside for your DD, but then, I come from a long line of food hiders! ;D It's to be expected that if adults and a small child are supposed to share something, the adults will probably finish it off before the kid gets any, simply because adults can eat whatever and whenever they want, but children's eating needs to be monitored more closely.

To be honest, even if it is considered a hostess gift, the hosts are not required to share it with the guests.

I also like what GrammarNerd said. I don't think the MIL is evil, just clueless. I'll bet if she were made aware of how upset her granddaughter was the last time they visited, she'd never do it again.

Heck, I'm 56 and I'd cry over missing shortbread!

Dindrane

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #28 on: February 18, 2014, 09:52:26 AM »
I agree with what a lot of other people have said. It's fine to bring shortbread as a hostess gift for everyone to eat during the visit. It's fine to bring shortbread as a gift specifically for your daughter. It's totally not fine to present a hostess gift as a gift specifically for your daughter.

If they give it specifically to her, they shouldn't be eating any of it without asking your daughter for permission to have some first. If they don't want to do that, they shouldn't tell her that it's specifically for her. She's too little to understand anything except that all of her treat disappeared unexpectedly.

I also think it was pretty inconsiderate to eat the last two pieces even if it was presented as more of a hostess gift, especially without saying anything to you about it. Presumably, your MIL can make shortbread whenever she wants it. It's a special treat for your family precisely because you can't (or at least, you can't make shortbread that tastes as good). So polishing off what was meant to be a special treat even for your family without so much as a heads up was not a nice thing to do.

I also agree that there's no need to hide your daughter's reaction to finding all the shortbread gone. And you should definitely, in an obvious way, set aside some shortbread for your daughter if they present it as a gift for her the next time they visit. I think you should tell them very plainly that you're setting it aside because your daughter was so upset not to have that last little treat after they left, so you want to make sure you save some for her to eat after the visit is over. If they're behaving this way out of cluelessness, that would hopefully be enough to stop them from eating that share of it.


LadyL

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #29 on: February 18, 2014, 10:36:47 AM »
Wait...so this woman makes cookies for her 3 year old grandchild, presents them to her as a gift, and then eats so many that the child gets less than her? I do think it's extremely inconsiderate. As someone else said, she is THREE and probably very literal. Heck I'm almost 30 but I am very protective of my "treats" and would be having an internal temper tantrum if someone ate the last of my stash without telling me or replacing them! LordL knows that my "emergency chocolate" hoard is sacred!