Author Topic: Eating a present you gave someone  (Read 10235 times)

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NyaChan

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #75 on: February 20, 2014, 09:30:20 AM »
Ah, I had a thought, given your update.

What is the likelihood that, really, MIL likes her own shortbread, and only her own shortbread, for her daily "treat," but feels it would be rude to say to you "I would prefer to have my own cookies while we are visiting so I'll bring them along." ?  The "I made them for DD!" would be a perfect cover - except for the fact that DD is now noticing.

If you think this might be the case, then I'd try the route of "You and DD make them here together", as that would address each part of the problem.  There would be a full batch,  sod DD would have more cookies, and MIL would have her daily snack.

Ding ding ding! I think we have a winner.

This is what I was thinking too.  When you mentioned that both MIL and FIL are eating the cookies regularly, my thought was that they are in the habit of snacking during the day and wondered if you provided something similar while they visit.  Now that I see this second post, I think it is that they genuinely are used to eating this, aren't about to demand you provide it (or know they won't like what you provide as much), and are bringing cookies mostly for themselves while being okay if you guys have some with them. 

She's labeled it as a gift mistakenly since she's not giving it to DD so much as allowing people to have some if they can get at it in time.  This wouldn't be my hill to die on - I'd probably just grab a couple of pieces for DD to have and then let the wording go.  If DD is still upset, I'd explain that grandma really meant to bring cookies for everyone, and was remembering that DD liked this kind also.

ETA - thinking on it, I don't know that I would ever expect an entire batch of cookies to be just for a three year old.  That's a lot of cookies for one person.  In general though, when house guests bring food of a good quantity to the house, we all usually end up eating it together so maybe that's just what I'm used to.
« Last Edit: February 20, 2014, 09:32:56 AM by NyaChan »

Yvaine

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #76 on: February 20, 2014, 09:50:02 AM »
Ah, I had a thought, given your update.

What is the likelihood that, really, MIL likes her own shortbread, and only her own shortbread, for her daily "treat," but feels it would be rude to say to you "I would prefer to have my own cookies while we are visiting so I'll bring them along." ?  The "I made them for DD!" would be a perfect cover - except for the fact that DD is now noticing.

If you think this might be the case, then I'd try the route of "You and DD make them here together", as that would address each part of the problem.  There would be a full batch,  sod DD would have more cookies, and MIL would have her daily snack.

Ding ding ding! I think we have a winner.

This is what I was thinking too.  When you mentioned that both MIL and FIL are eating the cookies regularly, my thought was that they are in the habit of snacking during the day and wondered if you provided something similar while they visit.  Now that I see this second post, I think it is that they genuinely are used to eating this, aren't about to demand you provide it (or know they won't like what you provide as much), and are bringing cookies mostly for themselves while being okay if you guys have some with them. 

She's labeled it as a gift mistakenly since she's not giving it to DD so much as allowing people to have some if they can get at it in time.  This wouldn't be my hill to die on - I'd probably just grab a couple of pieces for DD to have and then let the wording go.  If DD is still upset, I'd explain that grandma really meant to bring cookies for everyone, and was remembering that DD liked this kind also.

ETA - thinking on it, I don't know that I would ever expect an entire batch of cookies to be just for a three year old.  That's a lot of cookies for one person.  In general though, when house guests bring food of a good quantity to the house, we all usually end up eating it together so maybe that's just what I'm used to.

Well, usually, when someone gives a single other person a giant pile of goodies as a gift, you just eat it over a long period of time. My SO gave me a box of chocolate for Valentine's Day--that doesn't mean it's for all my relatives too (though I did end up offering some to my mom), just that I have chocolate for an extended period of time. ;) I'm still nibbling at it.

Psychopoesie

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #77 on: February 20, 2014, 10:03:36 AM »
The MIL is in the wrong because she's calling something a gift when it's really not. The way she's treating the food is as if it still belongs to her. Definitely not a gift. It could be a miscommunication...

Or it may be MIL wants to have her shortbread and eat it too.  ;) This way she gets to feel good about making a special gift for her grandaughter (isn't grandma generous) while still enjoying all the shortbread she likes to eat while she's visiting. Don't know enough about the MIL from the post to hazard a guess if this is so.

It would be an awkward issue to raise with someone. Since they only visit a few times a year IIRC, unless this is part of some general pattern of behaviour that was causing problems, I agree with PPs who say just let it go and for OP to make the gift part a reality by stashing some shortbread for DD. 

A PP mentioned that a batch of cookies is too large a gift to be reasonable for a 3 year old. Here tins of shortbread are a fairly traditional Christmas gift for an individual. Plus, shortbread keeps longer than most other biscuits (that's what we call cookies here) so I wouldn't find it too strange. Well, it keeps longer if the inlaws don't eat it all first.  :)


wolfie

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #78 on: February 20, 2014, 10:26:04 AM »
Without intending to what MIL is teaching your daughter is "Grandma can't be trusted". She says the cookies are for Granddaughter and Granddaughter takes that literally - the cookies are hers. But what she really means is I made these cookies for everyone because you like them - which at 3 granddaughter is too young to understand. But she does understand that she was given the cookies but didn't actually get to eat them. So she knows that what grandma says and what she means is two different things. And long after she grows up enough to understand what grandma really meant she will still have a vague sense that she shouldn't trust what grandma tells her - cause she "knows" that she was burned in the past - she might never remember why she doesn't trust grandma because 3 is young for that, but she will know she just has that sixth sense.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #79 on: February 20, 2014, 10:27:26 AM »
I'd probably pull out a full half of the cookies and hide them for my daughter.  Then I'd make sure I had all the ingredients on hand (since you said you have the recipe).  If MIL is disappointed to find that the shortbread is gone when she wants some, that might propel her to make some more during the visit.  I agree with the others that she is probably used to eating it during the day, but nudging her into making more during the visit might be just the trick.

Winterlight

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #80 on: February 20, 2014, 10:32:52 AM »
Ah, I had a thought, given your update.

What is the likelihood that, really, MIL likes her own shortbread, and only her own shortbread, for her daily "treat," but feels it would be rude to say to you "I would prefer to have my own cookies while we are visiting so I'll bring them along." ?  The "I made them for DD!" would be a perfect cover - except for the fact that DD is now noticing.

If you think this might be the case, then I'd try the route of "You and DD make them here together", as that would address each part of the problem.  There would be a full batch,  sod DD would have more cookies, and MIL would have her daily snack.

This seems like a good plan. They get Grandma/Granddaughter time, there's a whole batch of cookies and everyone's happy.
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lowspark

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #81 on: February 20, 2014, 10:40:49 AM »
I wouldn't expect the entire batch to be for my three year old daughter. And at three, she's too young to realize how many cookies there are anyway. But for crying out loud, she ought to get some of them!

To be honest, I wouldn't even set aside half. Maybe enough for her to have one or two every day of Grandma's visit. Kids that age do tend to forget the existence of stuff like that if they aren't reminded.

As an example, when my kids were of trick-or-treating age, I would allow them to take a few pieces of collected candy in their school lunches for a few days at most. After that, I'd hide the remainder. Inevitably, they'd completely forget about it. Out of sight - out of mind. (I'd always take it to work after making sure it was completely gone from their consciousness.)

Grandma's doing what she's doing for whatever motivation makes sense to her. As I said above, I think that confronting her is just asking for an unpleasant exchange so I wouldn't address it with her at all.

Psychopoesie

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #82 on: February 20, 2014, 10:47:21 AM »
Wasn't sure if I remembered correctly so I checked OP's last post. MIL apparently doesn't bring a full batch on the plane anyway - around 20 pieces. Half of that is 10 which doesn't seem like a huge amount for a kid to eat over a couple of weeks.

rose red

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #83 on: February 20, 2014, 11:19:09 AM »
I was also going to bring up the fact they bring only 20 cookies.  How long do they stay?  If they stay a full week and the in-laws eat two a day at the minimum, that's 14 cookies (the OP says they eat over half) leaving only 6 for the little girl.  Less if they eat more than two a day.

EMuir

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #84 on: February 20, 2014, 02:20:18 PM »
OP, it sounds like your mom has never made them at your place.  I think you should have a baking party with grandma and daughter and closely watch how your mom makes them.  If they still come out hard, then at least you know it's your kitchen that's cursed.  ;) And you'll have many more cookies for everyone, hopefully !

eee

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #85 on: February 20, 2014, 02:47:02 PM »

ETA - thinking on it, I don't know that I would ever expect an entire batch of cookies to be just for a three year old.  That's a lot of cookies for one person.  In general though, when house guests bring food of a good quantity to the house, we all usually end up eating it together so maybe that's just what I'm used to.

Exactly. If she'd brought a pan of her son's favourite lasagne with her and said "I've brought you your favourite lasagne!" no one would think he was supposed to eat the whole thing alone.

The fact the 3 year old is taking it literally could be addressed in lots of ways. I'd just tell Grandma up front that the kid is misunderstanding so let's be careful how to speak about the cookies.

StuffedGrapeLeaves

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #86 on: February 20, 2014, 02:52:29 PM »

ETA - thinking on it, I don't know that I would ever expect an entire batch of cookies to be just for a three year old.  That's a lot of cookies for one person.  In general though, when house guests bring food of a good quantity to the house, we all usually end up eating it together so maybe that's just what I'm used to.

Exactly. If she'd brought a pan of her son's favourite lasagne with her and said "I've brought you your favourite lasagne!" no one would think he was supposed to eat the whole thing alone.

The fact the 3 year old is taking it literally could be addressed in lots of ways. I'd just tell Grandma up front that the kid is misunderstanding so let's be careful how to speak about the cookies.

I don't think the OP is saying that Grandma can never eat these cookies, but when Grandma only brought 20 and ate more than half, especially after presenting them as a gift to their granddaughter, that is not cool.

I would just take some aside from the beginning and save them for your daughter, OP.   You can even get a special tin and tell everyone that this tin is DD's special tin, and say how much DD is looking forward to eating the treats from her special tin.

rose red

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #87 on: February 20, 2014, 03:05:17 PM »
Even with a lasagna for an adult, it's not right to eat more than half, especially when presented as a gift. Not to mention start eating it before the giftee is able to sit and have any, and then to eat the last piece before going home.  I think it's fine to say "We brought xyz," but it just seem a bit off/rude to say it's a gift when it really isn't.

I agree the best thing to do is set some aside and tell the DD that's hers alone, but the rest are to share.

Stormtreader

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #88 on: February 20, 2014, 06:19:31 PM »
I think the issue isnt that the OP is saying the little girl should get to keep all the shortbread for herself, but it sounds like shes lucky if she gets *any* of "her" shortbread at all. If someone visited me and brought me a box of chocolates, id be annoyed if i went to have some and found that most if not all of them had already been eaten.

I admit I also have a bit of an issue around children being treated as somehow less worthy of the consideration or regard that are awarded to adults and this sounds like one of those situations to me, because shes a child theres a lot of "she shouldnt be upset", "she should share" going on, but if i posted saying "my mother brings me a gift and then eats it all, last time i didnt get any!" im not sure the same advice would be given.

If the biscuits arent really for her, then dont lie and say they are. If they are for her, sure its nice if she shares them but they should ASK her, and especially they shouldnt be ripping straight into the unopened packet.

Dazi

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Re: Eating a present you gave someone
« Reply #89 on: February 20, 2014, 07:07:59 PM »
I admit this is a huge peeve of mine even as an adult.  Heck, if anyone gave me a box of anything they labeled a special treat for me and proceeded to eat most of it, I'd be livid pissed about it.  I got DH an awesome box of his favorite specialty chocolate of V-Day, I asked before I even thought of taking a piece.  I consider it common courtesy. 
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