Author Topic: please bring food  (Read 7234 times)

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Two Ravens

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #30 on: February 25, 2014, 02:45:35 PM »
It seems like the person who sent the email has had other people help her out, and is trying to "pay it forward," so to speak.

The OP, on the other hand, has had a negative experience with the individual and does not want to help.

I think both of their reactions are completely normal.

Lynn2000

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #31 on: February 25, 2014, 02:51:28 PM »
Copied and pasted form the email:
"I am not sure about her recovery plan, but as soon as she lets me know, I will let you know!  I would like to put together some meals for her family next week if anyone is interested.  I could drop them off on my way home.  Her husband, Mark is home on vacation time this week."

I think the reason that it is bothering me is because the person who sent the email out had a situation and we collected money and meals for her, even bought her family a new clothes dryer.
I had surgery and nobody brought me and my son meals.
I've recently had a death and nobody said anything.

Perhaps it's sour grapes on my part.
if anyone remembers the Secret Santa issue I posted, the person who's name I drew is the person who who broke her foot, and would probably throw the food away any way.

Now that I see the text of the email, I don't see anything pushy about it.

I can see why you might be upset that other people were helped out and you weren't. That unfortunate and I've seen it happen in my own office--it can make people feel very much like they don't count, or like there's a popularity contest going on and they're losing.

If you don't want to help for whatever reason, I think that's fine, and no response is necessary. I don't think there was anything rude about the email, though (at least from the text given).
~Lynn2000

Harriet Jones

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #32 on: February 25, 2014, 02:52:13 PM »
Copied and pasted form the email:
"I am not sure about her recovery plan, but as soon as she lets me know, I will let you know!  I would like to put together some meals for her family next week if anyone is interested.  I could drop them off on my way home.  Her husband, Mark is home on vacation time this week."

I think the reason that it is bothering me is because the person who sent the email out had a situation and we collected money and meals for her, even bought her family a new clothes dryer.
I had surgery and nobody brought me and my son meals.
I've recently had a death and nobody said anything.

Perhaps it's sour grapes on my part.
if anyone remembers the Secret Santa issue I posted, the person who's name I drew is the person who who broke her foot, and would probably throw the food away any way.

The email sounds fairly low-pressure, it sounds like there shouldn't be any repercussions for ignoring it.

Regarding the other stuff, it doesn't seem fair that your situations were ignored, but that sounds like an office dynamics issue.  If there's not a designated person organizing these "nice gestures", people *are* going to get overlooked.

jmarvellous

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #33 on: February 25, 2014, 02:59:34 PM »
The email is inoffensive, nondemanding and completely polite.

I stand by my earlier statement that I wouldn't be reaching out for (most) co-workers, but I don't begrudge the invitation to help out.

fountainof

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #34 on: February 26, 2014, 12:50:58 PM »
I don't generally like being asked to help with meals, etc. for people as I am a person who would never ask for help for something like that so I don't like to be asked to do it for others.  However, in the OPs post there is no indication the person off work did ask for the help so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that the coworker took it upon herself.  I would ignore the request initially, if asked again I would decline.

I would be annoyed though, if this kind of request is done for some and not for others.  I find because I am a tough get through anything kind of person people never think you have any life issues.  However, I wouldn't ever say anything about my annoyance as it sounds like sour grapes.  I guess I just have run across too many people in my life that are just takers and life is so hard for them so I should help them out.  I am tired of giving and it has made me really cynical about people and their motivations.  So I get the OP's feelings.

MsApril

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #35 on: February 26, 2014, 02:26:33 PM »
I don't generally like being asked to help with meals, etc. for people as I am a person who would never ask for help for something like that so I don't like to be asked to do it for others.  However, in the OPs post there is no indication the person off work did ask for the help so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that the coworker took it upon herself.  I would ignore the request initially, if asked again I would decline.

I would be annoyed though, if this kind of request is done for some and not for others.  I find because I am a tough get through anything kind of person people never think you have any life issues.  However, I wouldn't ever say anything about my annoyance as it sounds like sour grapes.  I guess I just have run across too many people in my life that are just takers and life is so hard for them so I should help them out.  I am tired of giving and it has made me really cynical about people and their motivations.  So I get the OP's feelings.
The person off work would not ask.
I plan to suggest that one person be put in charge of taking care of things like this, if indeed someone should be taking care of things like this.
The Inequity of it all just bothers me.

fountainof

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #36 on: February 26, 2014, 06:20:03 PM »
Quote
The person off work would not ask.
I plan to suggest that one person be put in charge of taking care of things like this, if indeed someone should be taking care of things like this.
The Inequity of it all just bothers me.
That sounds like a good idea, to have more of a procedure to it.   I think in the workplace, things like celebrations and condolences, etc. have to be equal.  You cannot buy flowers for one coworker in the hospital and not for others in a similar situation.  That is why I think it is a slippery slope to even ask around for money for stuff like this as it is really hard for people not to want to play favorites.  Naturally, people may tend to give more to those they like or maybe those they think need it more.  It is easier if there is just a general fund or something and the judgement of the situation is removed.  I know I have found that in the case of funeral attendance.  The business owners here have selectively chosen whose parents funerals they have attended and it hasn't gone unnoticed and some feeling were hurt (not mine, my Dads was one of the ones attended).

blarg314

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #37 on: February 27, 2014, 12:56:42 AM »
Quote
The person off work would not ask.
I plan to suggest that one person be put in charge of taking care of things like this, if indeed someone should be taking care of things like this.
The Inequity of it all just bothers me.
That sounds like a good idea, to have more of a procedure to it.   I think in the workplace, things like celebrations and condolences, etc. have to be equal.  You cannot buy flowers for one coworker in the hospital and not for others in a similar situation. 

This, I think, is the heart of the problem here.

A call goes out for someone in trouble. They get lots of help. Someone else has similar troubles, and they get nothing, not even a card. That's going to cause resentment.

There can be two versions of this.

One - help is provided on a personal friendship basis. That means no workplace wide appeal appeals or official organization, but if a few people who are personal friends of the afflicted want to, they can do it themselves on an outside of work basis.

Two - the policy for helping is set on a company wide basis, or requests require approval from on high. This would standardize what sort of calls for help can be made (are we talking flowers for a bereavement, cooking meals after an accident, or buying someone applicances) and for what sort of problems (broken ankle vs serious ill child or death of a close relative), and ensures that efforts are spread out evenly rather than going to the person who shouts the loudest.

I'm familiar with this sort of helping from church. There, you're dealing with a fair number of people, and the congregation usually has a system, informal or not - someone has a problem, the word goes out, people who know the afflicted well or are easily able to help chip in. But this is part of what the congregation does naturally, unlike a workplace. And even there, the help is almost always in the form of things like meals, babysitting, running errands. I don't think I've ever seen it be monetary help, or buying appliances for someone, because if you started that, it could easily become an unmanageable burden on the congregation or a serious cause for resentment. Plus, from a practical viewpoint, extra requests for donations tend to result in less money in normal contributions, which ends up in the congregation not being able to pay for basic operating costs or pay a pastor's salary.








bopper

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #38 on: February 27, 2014, 09:34:41 AM »
I understand where the OP is coming from...there is another able bodied adult in the house...can't he cook? or at least get take out? 

OP, you don't have to decline.  Just don't say anything.


I don't have a problem with the other coworker organizing something, and I don't have a problem with the OP opting out.
The organizer shouldn't press the others to do anything...and if she does the OP could say "That is so nice that you are doing this! Unfortunately I can't help out this time."
« Last Edit: February 27, 2014, 09:37:24 AM by bopper »

etiquettenut

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #39 on: February 27, 2014, 10:24:06 AM »
I understand where the OP is coming from...there is another able bodied adult in the house...can't he cook? or at least get take out?

OP, you don't have to decline.  Just don't say anything.


I don't have a problem with the other coworker organizing something, and I don't have a problem with the OP opting out.
The organizer shouldn't press the others to do anything...and if she does the OP could say "That is so nice that you are doing this! Unfortunately I can't help out this time."

Seriously! I literally rolled my eyes when I read that the husband will be home on vacation all week. That's plenty of time to cook meals.  ::)

I would be annoyed by the email too, if I were you OP. However, I have to agree that it is polite and pretty innocuous. I would simply ignore it. Any more mention of helping with meals would push it into the pushy territory though.

GrammarNerd

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #40 on: February 28, 2014, 02:17:59 PM »
I have to agree that the email itself isn't that bad; it's the history behind the email.  This person is having something done for her, and 1) you're not fond of her and 2) nobody did the same for you when you were laid up.  So yeah, that's bound to cause some resentment.  I'd definitely be annoyed too.

I used to work at this place and they did little things for people's birthdays.  Nothing big, but they'd send around a card for people to sign, or they might get you a cupcake and some balloons.  Just something to acknowledge you on your day. I'd been there several years when one year, I took off on my birthday.  It was well known that I was taking the day of my birthday off (that is, people knew my birthday was coming up and what I was planning to do).  Yet I never got a card or anything before I left.  OK...fine.  Maybe I'll get it when I get back.  We had a company social outing (bowling) that weekend and I thought, 'oh, I bet they're going to surprise me with something during the outing!'  Yet nothing ever happened.  I was soooooo let down....my coworkers had forgotten my birthday.  Other people took their birthdays off and still got the card/acknowledgement.  Yet I got nothing that year, not even the words "Happy Birthday" from a single one of them.  And let me tell you, when Annoying, Suck-Up coworker's birthday rolled around a few months later and they sent around the card for everyone to sign and made the usual semi-big deal about it, it really rubbed me the wrong way.  I think I signed the card b/c it would have stood out if I didn't, but I certainly didn't do anything else.  The inequality of seeing it done for someone else but not for me really hurt.  yet you can't say anything without sounding petty and like you're whining. 

So yeah, don't even respond.  If by chance they actually seek you out and pressure you, that's when you can treat them to the incredulous look followed by the "No, thank you" response, or if you're really brave, "Why would I want to do that?" or "I'm pretty busy right now, and besides, I managed just fine on my own after my surgery.  I think with her husband home for the week, they'll do just fine without my help."

sammycat

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #41 on: March 01, 2014, 01:17:07 AM »
I understand where the OP is coming from...there is another able bodied adult in the house...can't he cook? or at least get take out?

OP, you don't have to decline.  Just don't say anything.


I don't have a problem with the other coworker organizing something, and I don't have a problem with the OP opting out.
The organizer shouldn't press the others to do anything...and if she does the OP could say "That is so nice that you are doing this! Unfortunately I can't help out this time."

Seriously! I literally rolled my eyes when I read that the husband will be home on vacation all week. That's plenty of time to cook meals.  ::)

I would be annoyed by the email too, if I were you OP. However, I have to agree that it is polite and pretty innocuous. I would simply ignore it. Any more mention of helping with meals would push it into the pushy territory though.

The parts I bolded are my thoughts too.

Flipping it around, if the husband was the incapacitated one, I doubt anyone would be planning meals etc as they'd quite rightly assume his SO was doing the cooking (or ordering out). I don't see why outsiders should be expected to provide food because it's the wife who is laid up.  Men are quite capable of cooking and/or getting takeaway.

Raintree

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Re: please bring food
« Reply #42 on: March 02, 2014, 01:52:15 AM »
I don't blame the OP for feeling the way she does.

Although the CW who sent out the email did include "if anyone is interested", it does kind of put people on the spot if they AREN'T interested, ie putting them in the position of not appearing to care enough. If that CW wants to do something nice for the lady with the broken foot, great, do something nice, but does it have to involve recruiting the whole office? Can't other people be trusted to do nice things too, on their own?

I'm not a fan at all of office collections. It does put everyone on the spot. Many people need every penny of what they earn at work, for their own families and friends. There used to be abundant attempts at collections at one former workplace: this person's birthday, that person's baby shower, another person's leaving, etc etc. One time someone went around asking everyone for $20 towards a wedding gift for the manager in another department, that I didn't work closely with at all and barely knew. $20 is rather steep NOW, and this was in the mid-1990's. Most of the people in my department said, "Uh, no, I'll pass."