Author Topic: Feeling like our events are less important than others....  (Read 20235 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

tinkytinky

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 458
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #60 on: February 28, 2014, 03:41:57 PM »
I disagree. Grandma definitely WAS rude. She could very well have said "Oh, I'm sorry, I already committed to Grandkid's Birthday." Or she could have gone late (later?) to the anniversary party. Instead, she (well, they, since there were others involved) decided that not only were they not going to put in more than a token appearance at Birthday, but that the Birthday events (cake, gifts, etc) had to be rushed since they were taking most of the attendees with them. So in effect, they cut short Grandkid's birthday party because they got a better offer well after they committed to the first event.

Lack of a spine does not exempt or excuse rudeness.

I agree. I also think that inlaws were rude to the other guests that were there, they completely changed the tone of the party. Instead of say 3 hours swimming and boating, they were in a rushed 45 minutes - 1 hour because Inlaws insisted (which is rude in itself).

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

Idlewildstudios

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 360
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #61 on: February 28, 2014, 05:05:51 PM »
Oh and to answer a couple of questions:

No I would not rather have had my IL's not come, I would have liked them to "pop in" at DH's aunt's house on the way instead of doing it the other way around.

Yes my DD does enjoy "older relatives" company.

No, DH's aunt was not invited to our party. 


And finally, I've just decided, as I've said, that we are going to let the kids plan, and tell MIL she is invited if she wants to tag along (to movie theater, restaurant or whatever).
I'm confused, DH's aunt, uncle and cousin were not invited?  If not, it changes the dynamics for me.  If that is the case, the ones who came to the party and then left, could they have been trying to support the uninvited aunt/uncle/cousin?  I would still be upset to have taken time to plan a party, and then see them leave.  Do what is best for you.

As a show of support for what?  Not being invited to the birthday party?

We hold family parties for our DD every year, both sets of grandparents and DD's aunt and uncle invited.  We don't invite *DH's* aunt and uncle, even though they live very close.  If my IL's left DD's party early, after RSVPing so far in advance to attend another  event I would be angry and DD would be upset, even at 14.  I certainly wouldn't rush DD's party to accommodate their rudeness.  I also would also make mention before any other invites where issued to them that  their rushed departure was hurtful.

I see it as they made a token showing to get credit for showing up and then bailed for more adult, and possibly in their eyes, better offering.  Not cool at all.

Runningstar

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 312
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #62 on: March 01, 2014, 05:53:28 AM »
Oh and to answer a couple of questions:

No I would not rather have had my IL's not come, I would have liked them to "pop in" at DH's aunt's house on the way instead of doing it the other way around.

Yes my DD does enjoy "older relatives" company.

No, DH's aunt was not invited to our party. 


And finally, I've just decided, as I've said, that we are going to let the kids plan, and tell MIL she is invited if she wants to tag along (to movie theater, restaurant or whatever).
I'm confused, DH's aunt, uncle and cousin were not invited?  If not, it changes the dynamics for me.  If that is the case, the ones who came to the party and then left, could they have been trying to support the uninvited aunt/uncle/cousin?  I would still be upset to have taken time to plan a party, and then see them leave.  Do what is best for you.

As a show of support for what?  Not being invited to the birthday party?

We hold family parties for our DD every year, both sets of grandparents and DD's aunt and uncle invited.  We don't invite *DH's* aunt and uncle, even though they live very close.  If my IL's left DD's party early, after RSVPing so far in advance to attend another  event I would be angry and DD would be upset, even at 14.  I certainly wouldn't rush DD's party to accommodate their rudeness.  I also would also make mention before any other invites where issued to them that  their rushed departure was hurtful.

I see it as they made a token showing to get credit for showing up and then bailed for more adult, and possibly in their eyes, better offering.  Not cool at all.
Yes - that is what I was thinking, that they didn't want to miss the other party as it was a show of their support - but not that it was right to do.  And, since Aunt/Uncle weren't invited, then they didn't know the date of the b-day party (?) and those who left early were more worried about family dynamics/hurting Aunt and Uncle, so decided to try to please everyone.  Here is where etiquette would have helped them, the first RSVP stands unless there is an emergency basically.

perpetua

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2212
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #63 on: March 01, 2014, 06:28:01 AM »
OK, I guess I'm going to be the lone voice again.

I think a 50th wedding anniversary trumps a child's 14th birthday party.

Technically, they were rude to accept the invitation. However, real life often demands that people are more flexible than the rules of etiquette dictate we should be. The anniversary was a once-in-a-lifetime occasion. A child's birthday comes around every year, and unless there's some cultural thing that I'm not aware of, a 14th birthday isn't anything 'special', like turning 18 or 21 would be. By attending both events, I think MIL did the best she could in a difficult situation that she was placed into, and she didn't blow off the party to attend the anniversary party.

Your feelings are your feelings though, and if you don't want to throw any more parties off the back of that it's understandable, but I'd cut MIL some slack unless there's some kind of toxic history there.
« Last Edit: March 01, 2014, 06:29:58 AM by perpetua »

Specky

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 554
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #64 on: March 01, 2014, 08:19:31 AM »
Grandma was rude and hurtful, sending a big message to the granddaughter.  The only thing that trumps anything is that she ditched a previously accepted invitation for what she considered a better offer.  The birthday party had been planned well in advance and the invitation accepted before the anniversary party was planned.  Why would an anniversary be considered more important than a birthday?  They will have another anniversary the next year.

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6284
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #65 on: March 01, 2014, 08:36:19 AM »
perpetua, I agree.

perpetua

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2212
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #66 on: March 01, 2014, 08:46:46 AM »
Grandma was rude and hurtful, sending a big message to the granddaughter.  The only thing that trumps anything is that she ditched a previously accepted invitation for what she considered a better offer.  The birthday party had been planned well in advance and the invitation accepted before the anniversary party was planned.  Why would an anniversary be considered more important than a birthday?  They will have another anniversary the next year.

They won't have another 50th anniversary, which is what the party was to celebrate - a milestone anniversary. It was MIL's sister's Golden Anniversary. Of *course* it should take priority. It wasn't MIL's fault the invitation didn't come till later.

Yes, she did technically 'ditch them for a better offer' - except she didn't, because she still made the effort to come - but that's because a 50th anniversary party is more important than a 14th birthday.

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6284
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #67 on: March 01, 2014, 08:55:39 AM »
Agree with perpetua. Unless there is some toxic back story we haven't heard about, grandma DID come to the birthday party and is sending no message of "you are less important" to her granddaughter. If anything, she is saying, all of my family is important to me.

prock929

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #68 on: March 01, 2014, 09:05:10 AM »
About 3 weeks before the party, my DH's aunt decided to plan a anniversary party for herself and her husband (50 years), and also for her daughter (DH's cousin) and her husband (25 years).

I think that if the anniversary party was that important, it would have been planned more than 3 weeks in advance. 

Also it would have been one thing for MIL and company to need to leave OP's party early (expressing regrets all the while), but quite another thing to dictate the events of the birthday party to suit themselves.

She is sending the message that 'you are less important' to the Granddaughter as she forced the OP's family to rush through their event to accommodate herself and her entourage.

perpetua

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2212
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #69 on: March 01, 2014, 09:09:02 AM »
About 3 weeks before the party, my DH's aunt decided to plan a anniversary party for herself and her husband (50 years), and also for her daughter (DH's cousin) and her husband (25 years).

I think that if the anniversary party was that important, it would have been planned more than 3 weeks in advance. 

Also it would have been one thing for MIL and company to need to leave OP's party early (expressing regrets all the while), but quite another thing to dictate the events of the birthday party to suit themselves.

She is sending the message that 'you are less important' to the Granddaughter as she forced the OP's family to rush through their event to accommodate herself and her entourage.

Sure, but I don't think in this instance that there's necessarily anything wrong with that, because I think a golden wedding anniversary *does* take precedence over a 14th birthday party. 14 isn't any kind of milestone.

And actually, the message she's sending is 'this *event* is more important, this time', not '*you* are less important'. There's nothing wrong with a teenager learning that other things are important too, sometimes more so.

She did also make the effort to be there, rather than blowing her off altogether to go to the party.

Runningstar

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 312
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #70 on: March 01, 2014, 09:12:56 AM »
Grandma was rude and hurtful, sending a big message to the granddaughter.  The only thing that trumps anything is that she ditched a previously accepted invitation for what she considered a better offer.  The birthday party had been planned well in advance and the invitation accepted before the anniversary party was planned.  Why would an anniversary be considered more important than a birthday?  They will have another anniversary the next year.

They won't have another 50th anniversary, which is what the party was to celebrate - a milestone anniversary. It was MIL's sister's Golden Anniversary. Of *course* it should take priority. It wasn't MIL's fault the invitation didn't come till later.

Yes, she did technically 'ditch them for a better offer' - except she didn't, because she still made the effort to come - but that's because a 50th anniversary party is more important than a 14th birthday.
Part of what I was wondering was if the Aunt/Uncle timed their party knowing that the b-day party was already planned, but that they were not invited to.  Why would I wonder about that is because of my own family and extended family that have been known to actually try to usurp planned parties that they wanted to interfere with.   Were both parties on the actual dates of the celebrated events?   

prock929

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #71 on: March 01, 2014, 09:22:06 AM »

Part of what I was wondering was if the Aunt/Uncle timed their party knowing that the b-day party was already planned, but that they were not invited to.  Why would I wonder about that is because of my own family and extended family that have been known to actually try to usurp planned parties that they wanted to interfere with.   Were both parties on the actual dates of the celebrated events?   

I was wondering the same thing






Sure, but I don't think in this instance that there's necessarily anything wrong with that, because I think a golden wedding anniversary *does* take precedence over a 14th birthday party. 14 isn't any kind of milestone.

And actually, the message she's sending is 'this *event* is more important, this time', not '*you* are less important'. There's nothing wrong with a teenager learning that other things are important too, sometimes more so.

She did also make the effort to be there, rather than blowing her off altogether to go to the party.

Apparently the anniversary wasn't that important to the Aunt as she would have been planning it months in advance, not weeks.

Making the effort to be there would have been okay.  Completely commandeering the events (and the guest list) of the birthday party was not.


*edited because my response to Specky ended up in Perpetua's quote  :(


** edit 2: I really need to watch where the '/quote' is an where my response is :)





« Last Edit: March 01, 2014, 09:24:52 AM by prock929 »

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6284
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #72 on: March 01, 2014, 09:38:47 AM »
How did the grandma "force" the OP to do these things?

perpetua

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2212
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #73 on: March 01, 2014, 10:06:14 AM »

Apparently the anniversary wasn't that important to the Aunt as she would have been planning it months in advance, not weeks.

Well, not all parties take months of planning. I've certainly never had one that was. Three weeks should be perfectly adequate to plan a simple 50th anniversary party.

I'm wondering if the OP and her family was invited to this anniversary party? It doesn't seem like they were since it hasn't been mentioned, so it'd be interesting to know if there is any backstory here that's clouding feelings.

prock929

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: Feeling like our events are less important than others....
« Reply #74 on: March 01, 2014, 10:25:10 AM »

Well, not all parties take months of planning. I've certainly never had one that was. Three weeks should be perfectly adequate to plan a simple 50th anniversary party.

I'm wondering if the OP and her family was invited to this anniversary party? It doesn't seem like they were since it hasn't been mentioned, so it'd be interesting to know if there is any backstory here that's clouding feelings.

Sure, but then you (generic 'you')  shouldn't expect everybody on your guest list to be available for your party.