Author Topic: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?  (Read 3752 times)

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kherbert05

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #45 on: July 08, 2014, 11:43:12 PM »
I don't have much to say about the date thing except give everyone as much lead time as you can - and don't be offended if someone can't make it.

About your future Mother-in-law wanting to invite her daughter's husband's parents, siblings, siblings' spouses, and siblings' kids even in my crazy extended family that would be a no. My cousin's in-laws had the same "status" and great aunts and uncles in my family because the families were friends.

How well do your future husband and his sister get along? I suggest both couples put forth a united front that of course your sister's in laws wouldn't be invited. (Assuming sister is reasonable)
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wolfie

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #46 on: July 09, 2014, 10:09:59 AM »
As someone who doesn't even remember the day she met someone being told that the wedding would be on a day that means I have to take 3 days off work so they can get married on the day they met would make me internally roll my eyes. And I wouldn't feel like i could say that I wasn't happy about it either - that I would have to suck it up and deal because protesting would not really be welcomed. But it wouldn't fill me with feelings of "how romantic the couple are" - it would leave me with feelings of "and their being so precious about the date made me burn vacation days and spend money I didn't want to". But you would never know any of that because I wouldn't say anything - just think it.

Betelnut

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #47 on: July 09, 2014, 12:14:47 PM »
For me, some of it also has to do with the actual date itself.  Smack dab in between Thanksgiving and Christmas?  Probably won't be able to come because I will want to travel during either one of those holidays.  In the middle of summer when I don't have other travel plans? That would be a better time.

I wasn't able to go to my sister's wedding because it was like two weeks after Thanksgiving, unexpected and I had just paid a lot of money to visit everyone for the holday. 
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Lynn2000

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #48 on: July 09, 2014, 12:53:04 PM »
For me, some of it also has to do with the actual date itself.  Smack dab in between Thanksgiving and Christmas?  Probably won't be able to come because I will want to travel during either one of those holidays.  In the middle of summer when I don't have other travel plans? That would be a better time.

I wasn't able to go to my sister's wedding because it was like two weeks after Thanksgiving, unexpected and I had just paid a lot of money to visit everyone for the holday.

Yes, this is another "date" consideration--holiday-time weddings. My friend Amy cancelled plans to spend Thanksgiving with some relatives this year, because her FIL announced he was getting married around that time. (Personally I would have said, "Sorry, can't come, previous engagement," but then, I don't really like FIL.) Amy felt like the wedding, inconveniently placed though it was, trumped annual holiday plans. So FIL is getting her attendance at it, but not without emotional/social cost for her.
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catwhiskers

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #49 on: July 10, 2014, 08:08:12 AM »
My mother and I were talking about weddings in general last night, so I floated the potential date. She was more surprised by the chosen month than the weekday wedding (she seems to think everyone one wants to get married in the summer).

I'd like to thank all of you for your replies. You've given us viewpoints we wouldn't have thought of and some very good ideas, as well as pointing out potential pitfalls we could be looking at in the future if we don't stand firm about our guest list now.

Particular thanks for this statement below, it was a very nice way of putting it in a positive light:

Whichever date you choose will become important to you, so using one that's already important just doesn't matter in the long run.

If we end up changing the date, I'm going to print that out and stick it on our planning folder. :)

You should definitely do that!  Also, you are more of a bride than me if you even HAVE a planning folder and I'm getting married in a couple of months :)  We planned our wedding in part around when we see ourselves wanting to take an anniversary trip in the future, so we are creating a new special date that we get to celebrate, and I look forward to many years of having something to toast in September versus July when we met / started dating.  More memories and anniversaries are nice to have.

Oh, we don't have one yet. We've not even started planning (neither of us want the hassle, we just want to be married without the wedding :P). But given OH's memory for things like dates, times and small details, we're going to need one when we start.

ClaireC79

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #50 on: July 10, 2014, 04:33:33 PM »
You mention that only two people would have to arrange time off work - but presumably that's still two people who wouldn't have to make those arrangements if you chose a more convenient date.

One of those people needs to make an arrangement whatever day she picks (as weekends are a normal part of their working week and do varying shifts - in those jobs it is often easier to get a week day off)

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #51 on: July 10, 2014, 11:17:09 PM »
Given the distance some guests will have to travel (a 7 hour round trip in a day is a bit much, IMO) I think a mid-week wedding is slightly inconsiderate. If it was an evening wedding, in a town where all the guests lived, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

Regarding inviting your FSIL's inlaws, I'd definitely push back on that one. Would your MIL be amenable to hosting a nice dinner for them and you, after the wedding? That could be a good compromise. 

Margo

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #52 on: August 07, 2014, 07:18:41 AM »
I think it depends very much on the specific individuals concerned. AS your guest list is so small, I think you can consider each person individually and think about whether it is likely to be an issue or not.

My sister got married on a Friday (originally, it would have been the Saturday, but then the best man's sister announced she was getting married that day and he had to give her away, so they moved it a day so he could still be part of the wedding)  Quite a lot of the immediate family came early to be involved in final arrangements so we were all taking 3 days off work anyway, so from that perspective it would not have made any difference to me if the wedding had been on a Wednesday instead.

You mentioned  registry office so I presume that you are in the UK - do any of your guests have school age children? Because if so, you also need to take in to account the new rules about taking kids out of school, unless your dates fall within school holidays.

I think that if you give people a nice long lead in time it is much easier for them to make plans.

I also completely agree that your wedding date will be a new one to remember and will become significant even if it isn;t a date which already has significance for you.

wolfie

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #53 on: August 07, 2014, 09:08:51 AM »
Just had the department picnic the other day and some people at my table were talking about a wedding that a former co-worker had. She decided to have it on a Thursday and apparently hardly anyone came. Everyone had the same issue - too far to travel for a weekday and they didn't want to take the days off of work. It probably didn't help that the invite was issues 2 weeks before the wedding.

SoCalVal

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #54 on: August 08, 2014, 11:19:18 PM »
I'm the poster who got married on a Monday because it fell on my and DH's dating anniversary.

I say get married on the date you want but, as others have stated, you have to consider that if it falls midweek, not as many guests would be able to attend as, say, on the weekend (ours fell on a national holiday so it happened to work out).  However, with that in mind, I find it amazing how many people who aren't the bride and groom forget the wedding isn't about them and, without the bride and groom, the wedding wouldn't be happening in the first place.  I'm sure people could say it's about sharing the day with family and friends but, really, for DH and me, the most important part was making a covenant with each other and God.  We'd never lost sight of that for even a moment.

I'm also pretty amazed at some of the comments because I'm wondering if these are posters for whom nothing is significant or important or special enough to want to have as part of whatever the event/situation is.  In my case, the date *was* extremely important to me.  However, having a traditional dress, having traditional rings, having an even number of attendants on both sides, having a traditional head table, having my hair and makeup done professionally, having a professional photographer, blah blah blah weren't as important (there were a lot more details than that that really weren't very important to me).  I could "roll my eyes" or consider other people inconsiderate for wanting to spend thousands on a dress to be worn once or that the ring has to have a specific cut to the stone or having a destination wedding at a place where lodging is expensive or that blah blah blah has to be perfect, but my feelings are what's right for others isn't necessarily going to be what's right for me because those aren't my choices and it's not *my* wedding.  DH and I are attending a family wedding that's 5-6 hours away on a Friday, which means we have to take at least two vacation days to attend.  It never even occurred to me to wonder why they didn't schedule it for a Saturday instead or make it earlier in the day so that we could drive home afterwards at a decent hour.  It just never occurred to me because this wedding isn't about *me* and I'm not paying for it.  We figured if we could attend great; if not, we sent them a wedding gift and wish them the best.

If people take umbrage at my post, well, then I figure I'm likely rolling my eyes at their comments, too.  Have the wedding that you want on the day you want it; it is not inconsiderate or rude or thoughtless or sickeningly sentimental to have the date be important enough that you end up having your wedding midweek (FTR -- I didn't want to pick some random date for our wedding and neither did DH; again, the date may not be so significant to others, but it was pretty darned significant to us...and our guests didn't have a problem with it).



Margo

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #55 on: August 11, 2014, 07:16:37 AM »
I don't think people are forgetting it isn't about them, but if having the guests there *is* what is important for the bride and groom, then considering whether they will be able to attend is surely one of those things which may be significant / important enough to to want to take into account, and to have fairly high up the list of considerations.

I know that for my Brother in Law, being able to have his best frond as best man was one o those this, hence the move from Saturday to Friday.  I have a friend who asked me my availabilty before finalizing the date of her wedding because for her, me being there was one of those essentials.

AS a guest, I would not be critical of a couple for choosing a date special to them, but if that meant the wedding fell on (say) a Wednesday morning, at  long distance from my home, it *would* potentially make a difference o whether or not I would be able to attend, so I think that a couple would need to consider how important the date was to them, and how important the guests are, and try to reach a balance depending on how important each element is.

For me personally, I think that there are specific people whose attendance would be higher than practically any other consideration. That doesn't mean that I would consider it wrong, if another person felt that a specific date or venue or other element of the wedding were more important, although if it were a very small wedding I would feel that there was a lot more pressure to attend, no mater how difficult or inconvenient.

gollymolly2

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #56 on: August 11, 2014, 08:26:24 AM »
I don't think people are forgetting it isn't about them, but if having the guests there *is* what is important for the bride and groom, then considering whether they will be able to attend is surely one of those things which may be significant / important enough to to want to take into account, and to have fairly high up the list of considerations.<snip>

Yes, exactly. You are absolutely entitled to prioritize any aspect of your wedding that you want. It is totally ok to pick a date or location or whatever that is inconvenient for most guests if having the guests there is not a big priority for you.  But if it is important that your friends and family are there, then you do what you reasonably can to make it convenient for them to attend.

iridaceae

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #57 on: August 11, 2014, 08:37:19 AM »
Ultimately though there is going to be someone for whom the date just doesn't work. That's life. Guests need to understand that,  too. I invited you. That means I hope you'll come.  If you don't the wedding will still go on: you are not necessary for the wedding. It's an ugly truth but: at some point wedding couples are going to decide and you might not like how they decide. That's life.

Personally anyone who tried extortion on me "weekend date or I won't come" would get dropped from my invitation list.

Lynn2000

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #58 on: August 11, 2014, 08:43:55 AM »
And following along with that, while the couple can choose to prioritize whatever they want, the reality is that certain people are going to be hurt if the date or location is prioritized above their own ability to conveniently attend. Maybe those people are reasonable, maybe they aren't; but the HC will have to deal with that fallout.

For example, my cousin is getting married several states away, on a holiday. My grandma doesn't think she'll be in good enough health to travel there, which is disappointing to her--she would definitely have gone if it had been held in the area where we all live. On the other hand, the wedding is being held near where the bride's family lives--so perhaps she also has relatives for whom the travel would be extremely taxing, maybe more than the groom has. As for the holiday date, I don't know why they picked it, but that's also disappointed several of our family members--the groom's aunts/uncles/cousins--who don't look forward to traveling at a time notorious for travel delays. But again, the bride's family won't have to travel that far (I assume).

So sometimes the couple have to make compromises--I doubt they're saying, "My grandma's attendance is more important than your grandma's attendance," but at a certain point you have to make a decision and it's going to inconvenience someone.
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katycoo

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Re: Mid-week wedding because of the date... thoughts?
« Reply #59 on: August 11, 2014, 09:15:04 PM »
The other thing is not not take thing so personally.

My good friend was married in 2012.  I missed both her engagement party AND her wedding.  The e-party I had already booked airfares etc to be in another state that weekend.  It was not cancellable.

Then she had a wedding date which was all fine and her only BM (the groom's sister) fell pregnant and was due on their selected date.  They decided to move the wedding and she wanted it brought forward, not back.  The only available date was during our long booked trip overseas.

On one interpretation, it was more important to her that the wedding not be any later than originally planned than my being there.  But why take it personally? I know she wanted me there, it just wasn't to be.

She did plan her hen's around my availability so I could be at something!