Consumerist: How not to suck at planning your wedding

[BigBadBetty]

The problem with cash bars is that they negate the concept of hospitality. The hosts are obligated to provide some sort of beverages, but it is rude for a guest to complain that their preferred beverage isn't available. At most weddings, the provider of those beverages is under contract to the host, so the cash bar sets up a strange situation where the hosts are asking their guests to foot some of the bill for their own hospitality.

I disagree.

1. The hosts usually ARE providing beverages - just either non-alcoholic, or limted alcoholic
2. I don't believe that utilising a service which is available is akin to a complaint about what is offered.
3. I think the contract is overthinking things.  The hosts are not responsbile for drnk sold at the bar.  Each purchase of a drink is a separate contract with the paying guest.

I do consider it rude to have a cash bar. If you wouldn't ask your guests to pay for their food, why would it be okay to ask them to pay for their drinks?

Again - I don't see it as asking guests to pay.  Noone has to buy the drinks - guests are free to partake only the beverages provided.  But I don't think its rude for other options to be available, or to utilise those options.

Thank you. I could never articulate why a cash bar didn't bother me. I think you explained it well. I know according to traditional etiquette is considered rude, but that rule rubbed me the wrong way.

[lowspark]

I wonder if etiquette differs according to class?  Maybe upper class weddings need to have a free bar, but lower and middle class weddings don't have to? 

I don't see that any wedding needs to have a free bar. Or food for that matter. Or dancing. Or whatever. You have what you want to have and can afford to have. I've been to "cake and punch only" weddings. They were fine. I was there to celebrate the wedding with the happy couple. If they served food and booze and we danced all night or if they just had cake and mints and we schmoozed for 45 minutes, either way, that was the wedding that couple wanted to host and it was about them, not me.

[shhh its me]

I wonder if etiquette differs according to class?  Maybe upper class weddings need to have a free bar, but lower and middle class weddings don't have to? 

I don't see that any wedding needs to have a free bar. Or food for that matter. Or dancing. Or whatever. You have what you want to have and can afford to have. I've been to "cake and punch only" weddings. They were fine. I was there to celebrate the wedding with the happy couple. If they served food and booze and we danced all night or if they just had cake and mints and we schmoozed for 45 minutes, either way, that was the wedding that couple wanted to host and it was about them, not me.

It may vary by area but I cant even find a banquet venue that particularly offers a cash bar*  Some offer no bar or just punch I'm sure if I keep looking I'll find beer and wine.

* there one I know of that if the hosts don't supply a bar (besides coffee/tea , juice and soda) if the guest asks they can buy a drink. So the guest would be offered " would you like  x , y or z to drink?" and the guest asked "is there any wine available ?"  the reply is "The host is providing x,yor z you may purchase a glass of wine for $"  I don't actually have an issue with that since the guests has to ASK for a beverage not on the list they were offered,  they aren't solicited to buy drinks.    I'm not sure if this venue will allow the host to say "do not sell drinks to anyone in my room."

[nuit93]

I'm from the Canadian prairies and cash bars are pretty normal here.   You may or may not have one or two free drink tickets provided.  When I was young it was only the "rich relative" who actually paid for all the drinks at ONE wedding I can remember,  for his son.  And it was cheaper because it was a small town hall and he bought the booze himself and volunteers served it (including me actually), so he wasn't paying "per drink" event center prices or anything.

As long as there are some free beverages available, like water and coffee, I think that's just fine for a wedding.  But then again, wedding gifts here are usually not extravagant either, normally well under $50.  "Cover your plate" is a term I first heard here.  Then again, a lot of weddings are in small town halls and catered by the local club that charges under $10 per plate. 

I wonder if etiquette differs according to class?  Maybe upper class weddings need to have a free bar, but lower and middle class weddings don't have to?

I think there are laws in the States about whether or not volunteers can serve alcohol (and it may vary by state). 

My experience in terms of class (having been to everything from a simple backyard wedding to a full-blown fancy affair) is that if someone can't afford a free open bar, they either have a limited bar or no bar.  Most people would rather have a dry wedding than a cash bar.

[katycoo]

When my co-worker got married all of her immediate (I.e. in the same department) co-workers except me because I don't drink got plastered on the open bar. They sat at the table and counted down the minutes until the free bar ended (and the cash bar began) and kept running up for drinks. Their goal was to get as drunk as possible on her dime. So cash bar or not they would have gotten plastered.

Do you think?  They drank as much as they could ON HER DIME.  I wonder if it had been a cash bar all night whether they would have gone as hard?

[purple]

I'm from the Canadian prairies and cash bars are pretty normal here.   You may or may not have one or two free drink tickets provided.  When I was young it was only the "rich relative" who actually paid for all the drinks at ONE wedding I can remember,  for his son.  And it was cheaper because it was a small town hall and he bought the booze himself and volunteers served it (including me actually), so he wasn't paying "per drink" event center prices or anything.

As long as there are some free beverages available, like water and coffee, I think that's just fine for a wedding.  But then again, wedding gifts here are usually not extravagant either, normally well under $50.  "Cover your plate" is a term I first heard here.  Then again, a lot of weddings are in small town halls and catered by the local club that charges under $10 per plate. 

I wonder if etiquette differs according to class?  Maybe upper class weddings need to have a free bar, but lower and middle class weddings don't have to?

I don't think so.  Good manners and good hosting is the same, regardless of status.  To me 'classy' is hosting your guests properly.  Whether that means serving them a plate of pasta and a glass of water or an 8 course degustation with matching boutique wines is not relevant.

[shhh its me]

When my co-worker got married all of her immediate (I.e. in the same department) co-workers except me because I don't drink got plastered on the open bar. They sat at the table and counted down the minutes until the free bar ended (and the cash bar began) and kept running up for drinks. Their goal was to get as drunk as possible on her dime. So cash bar or not they would have gotten plastered.

Do you think?  They drank as much as they could ON HER DIME.  I wonder if it had been a cash bar all night whether they would have gone as hard?

OR if they would have drunk less if it was an open bar all night.  People sometimes get weird about until 9pm you can have as much as you want free after that you have to pay for it. Thats not counting the people who might get a little spiteful about a cash bar.

[BigBadBetty]

I'm from the Canadian prairies and cash bars are pretty normal here.   You may or may not have one or two free drink tickets provided.  When I was young it was only the "rich relative" who actually paid for all the drinks at ONE wedding I can remember,  for his son.  And it was cheaper because it was a small town hall and he bought the booze himself and volunteers served it (including me actually), so he wasn't paying "per drink" event center prices or anything.

As long as there are some free beverages available, like water and coffee, I think that's just fine for a wedding.  But then again, wedding gifts here are usually not extravagant either, normally well under $50.  "Cover your plate" is a term I first heard here.  Then again, a lot of weddings are in small town halls and catered by the local club that charges under $10 per plate. 

I wonder if etiquette differs according to class?  Maybe upper class weddings need to have a free bar, but lower and middle class weddings don't have to?

I think there are laws in the States about whether or not volunteers can serve alcohol (and it may vary by state). 

My experience in terms of class (having been to everything from a simple backyard wedding to a full-blown fancy affair) is that if someone can't afford a free open bar, they either have a limited bar or no bar.  Most people would rather have a dry wedding than a cash bar.

Count me in the minority. I would rather buy myself the drink I want than attend a dry wedding. I wouldn't say anything to the hosts. I wouldn't complain to anyone. It's just my preference.

[Lynnv]

My experience in terms of class (having been to everything from a simple backyard wedding to a full-blown fancy affair) is that if someone can't afford a free open bar, they either have a limited bar or no bar.  Most people would rather have a dry wedding than a cash bar.

Count me in the minority. I would rather buy myself the drink I want than attend a dry wedding. I wouldn't say anything to the hosts. I wouldn't complain to anyone. It's just my preference.

Me too.  I know why they annoy folks, but cash bars at weddings just don't bother me.  And I say this as someone who had a cake and punch (and no bar at all) wedding. 

At a wedding where a meal is served, I generally like to have a drink.  And it doesn't bother me if I have to pay for it.

[iridaceae]

When my co-worker got married all of her immediate (I.e. in the same department) co-workers except me because I don't drink got plastered on the open bar. They sat at the table and counted down the minutes until the free bar ended (and the cash bar began) and kept running up for drinks. Their goal was to get as drunk as possible on her dime. So cash bar or not they would have gotten plastered.

Do you think?  They drank as much as they could ON HER DIME.  I wonder if it had been a cash bar all night whether they would have gone as hard?

If it was the only booze available,  oh yeah. But they were determined to get drunk for free and did so.

Me I'd have a dry wedding.  Anyone who felt they couldn't stand to wish me well without booze wouldn't be RSVPing yes in the first place- I'm a lifelong non-drinker and everyone knows that. (And I have exactly 5 relatives who would get an invite. They all know I don't drink, too.)

[lowspark]

I've been to many open-bar events, weddings and other social events, some of them with hundreds of people in attendance. I've yet to see anyone get sloshing drunk on the "free booze". I'm sure it does happen! Just saying I've never seen it. So I gotta wonder if the people going overboard on imbibing are ones who are just not able to control their alcohol consumption and the prospect of gratuitous liquor is just too tempting to pass up.

In my experience (and I'll emphasize that this is my experience) people mostly drink about the same or slightly more at events with an open bar than they normally would if they were paying. Maybe I just hang out with an unusual crowd.

[Kaymar]

I've been to many open-bar events, weddings and other social events, some of them with hundreds of people in attendance. I've yet to see anyone get sloshing drunk on the "free booze". I'm sure it does happen! Just saying I've never seen it. So I gotta wonder if the people going overboard on imbibing are ones who are just not able to control their alcohol consumption and the prospect of gratuitous liquor is just too tempting to pass up.

In my experience (and I'll emphasize that this is my experience) people mostly drink about the same or slightly more at events with an open bar than they normally would if they were paying. Maybe I just hang out with an unusual crowd.

No, you don't - this is my experience too, and I've lived all over the country and circulated among various groups of people.

[Thipu1]

Has anyone else seen installment 2 of the Consumerist series yet?

This one goes over the top in many ways.  The howler was the suggestion that the Bride can go without flowers and and be 'creative' by carrying a fairy wand or a fly swatter. 

Yes, they actually suggested a fly swatter. 

[lowspark]

Has anyone else seen installment 2 of the Consumerist series yet?

This one goes over the top in many ways.  The howler was the suggestion that the Bride can go without flowers and and be 'creative' by carrying a fairy wand or a fly swatter. 

Yes, they actually suggested a fly swatter.

That way, if a fly lands on, say the groom, or maybe the maid of honor, the bride can handle it with little fuss. Makes perfect sense! .......... NOT!

[Carotte]

Has anyone else seen installment 2 of the Consumerist series yet?

This one goes over the top in many ways.  The howler was the suggestion that the Bride can go without flowers and and be 'creative' by carrying a fairy wand or a fly swatter. 

Yes, they actually suggested a fly swatter.

 
How's that a substantial economy?
Unless it ties with the theme somehow (doubts it for the fly swatter but hey..), if it's about being thrifty, go with wildflowers, or a non-wedding bouquet (since I guess the "wedding" part of the name makes it wayyyy more expensive).
And just a fairy wand? I'd feel empty handed, I'd rather carry gloves in my hand* than one something.

*There's a family joke/play on words in there about my parent's wedding, my grandmother giving my father some gloves, saying it's to give him composture (contenance in french, same word as volume) and him replying that "yeah, 6 or 7 onces". I've heard that grandma was not amused