Author Topic: wedding ceremony - treating with respect  (Read 2487 times)

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goldilocks

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wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« on: February 26, 2014, 10:00:24 AM »
I haven't attended many weddings in the last few years.   Weddings seem to come in cycles - when you are in your 20's, you are attending all your friends weddings.   Then you are done for a while.   When you reach your 50's, you are attending the weddings of these friends children.  That is where I am now - I'm going to weddings all the time it seems.

So, I've been upset by the trend I see of the wedding ceremony.   Whether you have a religious ceremony or not - this is a serious rite and should be treated with respect.  You are making vows to the person standing next to you to spend the rest of your life together.    Can you really take this seriously if your groom is dressed as Frodo?

If you want the reception to be crazy, have at it.   But I think too many brides want their weddings to be "unique", to the point of forgetting what the purpose is. 

My pet peeves:

1.  Wedding themes - Just because you both love Star Wars is no reason to have the groomsmen wearing Storm Trooper outfits.
2.  Flip flops - Maybe if it's a beach or outdoor wedding, but flip flops have no place in any house of worship.  I'm sorry, but I can't take the bride coming down the aisle to the tune of "Flip.   Flop.  Flip.  Flop".
3.  Children - I'm extremely biased against children in wedding ceremonies.   Yes, some do great and are precious, but 90% of the ones I see are not.   Does it really enhance your day to have your 3 YO cousin screaming in terror as he comes down the aisle?

I think most brides are pressured into the kids.   

Bride:  Hey, wouldn't Sparkling make a great flower girl?   Let's ask her.
MOB:  Well, if you ask sparkling you have to ask her sister as well - Whiny.
Mother in law:   Well!   If you are going to have kids in the wedding, you HAVE to have my 2 precious grand children - Bashful and SuperHyperActive.

So, Sparkling performs like a little champ.  Meanwhile,whiny cries the whole way, and SHA turns flips while dragging her sibling Bashful, who's trying to hide.

Okay - this is just my 2 cents.   Please take the wedding ceremony seriously.   It's much more important than the reception.

cattlekid

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2014, 10:11:56 AM »
I get where you are coming from.  In DH's family (where it seems like we are still going to at least 2-3 weddings a year), all weddings are held in the Eastern Orthodox church.  For good or bad, there is no option for customizing the ceremony and depending on the church, there are a lot of rules on what bridal parties can and cannot do.  Once you get outside of the four walls of the church, you can do what you like for the reception. 

To the outsider, it may seem stifling and old-fashioned, but I like the respect it shows the ceremony, your spouse and your guests who are there to share in the ceremony with you.

Carotte

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2014, 10:32:39 AM »
I agree about respecting sacred places and the dress code they deserve, and the decorum too.
But if it's not a religious ceremony there's not much that can be said about whether a couple is less serious when they are dressed as star bellied sneetchees or in a 3 piece evening suit.
The ceremony doesn't always reflect how serious the relationship will be, how long it will last, how committed the couple is.
Maybe bride and groom meet at a Dr Seuss convention and this passion define everything in their life, why not incorporate it.

As for the kids, you invite who you invite and live with the consequences. You don't always have the choice and end up cringing, or you don't care and are perfectly happy to have a crying nephew because you love him or the presence of his parents are very important for you.
If you don't invite kids because they can be a nuisance, do you also leave out a relative you love with a mental disability prone to have a meltdown or do you accommodate?

Two Ravens

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2014, 10:43:12 AM »
So, I've been upset by the trend I see of the wedding ceremony.   Whether you have a religious ceremony or not - this is a serious rite and should be treated with respect.  You are making vows to the person standing next to you to spend the rest of your life together.    Can you really take this seriously if your groom is dressed as Frodo?

My opinion is "Sure, of course you can."

If someone is a serious cosplayer, that Frodo outfit is probably more "them" than a rented tuxedo ever will be.

I mean, I have seem solemn marriages formalized by an archbishop that devolved into extremely bitter, acrimonious divorces quickly, and lighthearted weddings on beaches formalized by a friend who got his ordination off the internet going on strong +10 years. I don't think your wedding attire has anything to do with how seriously you take your vows.

camlan

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2014, 10:47:01 AM »
Well, if these things are happening in a church, then the church is allowing them to happen. I guess if the church doesn't think it is disrespectful, then who am I to judge?

Goldilocks--it isn't that I disagree with you. I've been to at least one wedding where the theme overtook everything, and I do think that bridesmaids in costumes is a bit over the top in church.

Theme the pre-wedding activities, theme the reception, but tone it down a bit for the wedding if it is in a church. If you are getting married in a secular venue, then do whatever you want.

Flip-flops? Well, if you can't see them, or they go with the dress, I'd internally roll my eyes but say nothing. And wonder if, 20 years later, how the bride would feel about the flip-flops in her wedding pictures. But not the hugest issue. And I know one bride who had to wear sneakers because of foot surgery a month before the wedding. She bedazzled them.

As for kids in weddings, for really young children, I think you have to be prepared for them to freak out moments before the walk down the aisle starts, and be prepared to pull them out of the procession. That's what's happened in various weddings I've attended--you see a parent sneaking down the side aisle with a small, dressed-up moppet in their arms as the bride starts down the aisle.

But again, if the church allows Star Wars costumes, then I guess you have to let them pass. Most of the weddings I attend are in Catholic churches, and there has been a clear movement in recent years to eliminate secular music during the wedding ceremony. Decorating has always pretty much been limited to floral arrangements on the altar and the pew ends. Since the altar arrangements are left there for the weekend's Masses, they have to be appropriate for a church service. At most Catholic churches, the couple has to meet with someone (either a priest or someone in charge of weddings and other sacraments) and I'm pretty sure that guidelines about what is and isn't allowed are set out plainly during the meetings.

You have the reception to dress in fun outfits and carry out any themes that you'd like. When two professional skiers got married, they had the reception at a restaurant on the slopes of a ski resort--we all had to take the ski lift up there. The bride and groom on the wedding cake were skiing figurines with a little veil added to the woman's head, and the cake was shaped like a mountain, that sort of thing. But the wedding itself was in a church and properly respectful.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, Im possible! Audrey Hepburn


lady_disdain

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2014, 10:47:37 AM »
You are free to see it that way but the bride and groom are also free to see it their way, as long as it conforms to the rules set by the officiant.

I have seen a lot of "serious" weddings that led to marriages that were a disaster. I have seen goofy weddings that were built on a solid foundation. And, yes, some people do take the vows they made to Frodo very seriously. And aren't the big, poofy, princess wedding dresses as much a costume as Frodo's?

Also, not every marriage vow is to spend the rest of your lives together. I know I am not going to promise that. I will do everything I can to have a good, happy marriage but I believe in the right to divorce. If things go seriously wrong, yes, I will leave the marriage and I refuse to vow something contrary to that or force interpretations ("the death of the marriage" or play "who broke the vow first").

Margo

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2014, 10:47:45 AM »
I think the difficulty is that you cannot tell from he outside how much respect someone else is paying to a ceremony or building.

Many people go to religious services and ceremonies dressed in ways which would, at different points in the past, have been considered inappropriate or disrespectful -anything from women not wearing hats, to strapless wedding gowns, people wearing casual clothes etc.

Same with children - I'm not, personally. a fan of small children in ceremonies but I don't think it can be said to be disrespectful (unless you have a pushy parent forcing their child into a ceremony where the parties / celebrant haven't agreed it, of course).

When friends of mine got married they made a very definite decision to involve the children - it was a second marriage for Bride (First marriage had been abusive and 1st husband had been very unpleasant to the children, as well as to his wife) Bride and Groom felt very strongly that the children should be part of the ceremony as they considered that they were creating a new family which included those children.

I think it is very much a mater for an individual church or celebrant to determine what they consider to be appropriate.

I do think it would be disrespectful to deliberately go against what the church / temple / mosque has said is their rule - i.e. if you chose to marry in a conservative church, and are told that for the bride to have bare shoulders or the groom to wear a kilt is not acceptable , then showing up in a strapless dress or a kilt would be disrespectful and rude. Otherwise, it's a mater of personal taste, it isn't about respect or the lack of it.

(I am not a huge fan of flip flops, mainly because I find them hideously uncomfortable to wear, but I cannot see that they are disrespectful. Would it me more respectful to wear high heels, or bare feet, and if so, why?. This isn't snark, I'm genuinely curious)

Yvaine

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2014, 10:54:02 AM »
I think there's something to be said for saying your vows "as yourself" rather than as a character, so in my own head I think I'd get married in medieval or steampunk gear but not as a particular character, if that makes any sense. But I did see a couple once whose ring bearer was dressed as Frodo--because he's the Ring Bearer, of course--and it was adorable. And their cake had dinosaurs on top instead of a little bride and groom because they're both into paleontology. I love that there's more social leeway to incorporate quirkiness and individuality into weddings nowadays. And really, the traditional white wedding dress is something of a costume too; its design often reflects nostalgia for the Victorian era or the 50s more than current trends. And if you take it really far, all our fashion is costume in a way...

People should of course abide by whatever rules are imposed by their venue, but beyond that, I don't think we can really say how serious people are about their vows based on their fashion choices. I've seen utterly traditional BWWs result in divorce after only a few months, and people who got married in geeky costumey weddings still going strong many years later.

Sterling

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #8 on: February 26, 2014, 10:58:13 AM »
I think it is unkind to assume that just because a couple wants to have a little fun that they are somehow not treating the wedding seriously.

93 93/93

LadyClaire

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #9 on: February 26, 2014, 11:10:26 AM »
I think it is unkind to assume that just because a couple wants to have a little fun that they are somehow not treating the wedding seriously.

I agree.

If two people love each other, and share a mutual passion for something, and it plays a big enough role in their lives and relationship that they choose to incorporate it into their wedding, then I think more power to them. They're celebrating each other, and something that they enjoy together, and if it's that meaningful to them then why not have their wedding in that theme? As long as they're not doing anything offensive or making unreasonable demands of their guests or the venue, then I see no issue with it.

Just because it personally offends *you* doesn't make it wrong.

GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #10 on: February 26, 2014, 11:12:00 AM »
I disagree. Some people aren't comfortable in "fancy" clothes. For some people putting on a tux is more being in costume then putting on what you would see as an actual costume. Some brides don't like heels, or dress shoes, heck I'm considering walking down the aisle in a pair of chucks (we will be rocking them at the reception, haven't decided for the actual ceremony).

You don't like it for your wedding. Which is fine. But it's not your wedding. Yes, marriage is a serious commitment. But just because it's serious doesn't mean it can't also be fun.

I think you might do well to visit this website: www.offbeatbride.com and read some stories about why some couples do such odd off beat ceremonies. Usually there's a loving story or reason behind them. They're expressing who they are on a day when they unite with another person for the rest of their life, they should be truest to themselves at their very core.

Even it if it doesn't "look" right.

goldilocks

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #11 on: February 26, 2014, 11:17:40 AM »
I agree about respecting sacred places and the dress code they deserve, and the decorum too.
But if it's not a religious ceremony there's not much that can be said about whether a couple is less serious when they are dressed as star bellied sneetchees or in a 3 piece evening suit.
The ceremony doesn't always reflect how serious the relationship will be, how long it will last, how committed the couple is.
Maybe bride and groom meet at a Dr Seuss convention and this passion define everything in their life, why not incorporate it.

As for the kids, you invite who you invite and live with the consequences. You don't always have the choice and end up cringing, or you don't care and are perfectly happy to have a crying nephew because you love him or the presence of his parents are very important for you.
If you don't invite kids because they can be a nuisance, do you also leave out a relative you love with a mental disability prone to have a meltdown or do you accommodate?

My remark was not about inviting children, but more about having them part of the ceremony.   Most young children are just really not equipped for walking down the aisle in front of so many people, and I really don't see the purpose of it.   

Now, I do agree that if bride and/or groom have children, it's very sweet to bring them into it.   But I recently went to a wedding where the bride was pressured into including her mothers boyfriends children (who she wasn't even related to), and it was a disaster.   

Keep in mind that I'm just stating my opinion.   Until they elect me to "Queen of all wedding decisions", brides and grooms may do as they please.  And I'm all for whatever craziness you want at the reception.  I just believe the actual ceremony (religious or not), is exactly that, a ceremony.   And I do wonder if the brides and grooms look back at some of the "uniqueness" of their ceremonies several years later and cringe.

And no, the wedding itself doesn't determine the length of the wedding, as we all know. 

Lynnv

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #12 on: February 26, 2014, 11:19:10 AM »
So, I've been upset by the trend I see of the wedding ceremony.   Whether you have a religious ceremony or not - this is a serious rite and should be treated with respect.  You are making vows to the person standing next to you to spend the rest of your life together.    Can you really take this seriously if your groom is dressed as Frodo?

Absolutely you can.  I have been to weddings that were absolutely not my taste.  If you don't like it, that is fair.  But your (and my) dislike of certain things doesn't make them rude or wrong and the fact that they enjoyed their wedding in the way they wanted doesn't mean they aren't taking it seriously.

Heck-I hated the over the top weddings that some of my friends had in cathedrals with huge expensive trappings.  It seemed (and still does) like too much to spend on one day when the wedding should be about the life together not the day together.  But it was important to them, just as LOTR (or Star Trek or a beach location) might be important to your friends.  And, last time I checked, the weddings of my friends and family members weren't about my tastes.

Add to that that some folks, myself included, don't consider a wedding rite to be a terribly solemn event.  Our vows to each other were taken long before we stood in a church and reiterated them before friends and family.  It was important for many reasons.  But the solemn event came when we made our private vows to each other long before the wedding.  I would have been just as happy to run off to Vegas and get married by an Elvis impersonator.  And we still would have been just as married when it was all over.

If you want the reception to be crazy, have at it.   But I think too many brides want their weddings to be "unique", to the point of forgetting what the purpose is. 

What purpose do you think is forgotten because the B&G picked trappings that you don't like?  A Black Widow and Hawkeye costumed couple are just as married as the ones who put on a penguin suit and a princess for a day gown.

You probably would have been fine with my wedding.  I had a small wedding in a church.  No kids in the wedding, no costumes, no flip flops (though I would have worn them instead of the tennies I did wear if I found them at all comfortable).  I wore a big white dress that made me look like a meringue and DH wore a tux.  We had a simple cake and punch reception.  DH and I have been together for 20+ years, married for a huge chunk of that time.  But the fact that my wedding matched my taste and doesn't do the things that so offend your sensibilities doesn't make it more valid than the medieval themed wedding my friend had about a year before mine (still going strong) or the one I went to in a huge cathedral two weeks after mine (that one didn't last).

I disagree. Some people aren't comfortable in "fancy" clothes. For some people putting on a tux is more being in costume then putting on what you would see as an actual costume. Some brides don't like heels, or dress shoes, heck I'm considering walking down the aisle in a pair of chucks (we will be rocking them at the reception, haven't decided for the actual ceremony).

I wore tennies at my wedding.  Not chucks-but the thought is there.  They were comfy and, unlike most of my friends, my feet didn't hurt at the end of my wedding.  I highly recommend it!
Lynn

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Specky

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #13 on: February 26, 2014, 11:23:58 AM »
White dresses and tuxes (and variations thereof) are a theme, and as we can tell from some of the stories here, adhering to that "tradition" does nothing to ensure respect of the wedding ritual.  I would rather watch a joyful Frodo waiting for a radient Galadriel at the altar, than a screaming Bridezilla in a couture gown.

goldilocks

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Re: wedding ceremony - treating with respect
« Reply #14 on: February 26, 2014, 11:25:14 AM »
I disagree. Some people aren't comfortable in "fancy" clothes. For some people putting on a tux is more being in costume then putting on what you would see as an actual costume. Some brides don't like heels, or dress shoes, heck I'm considering walking down the aisle in a pair of chucks (we will be rocking them at the reception, haven't decided for the actual ceremony).

You don't like it for your wedding. Which is fine. But it's not your wedding. Yes, marriage is a serious commitment. But just because it's serious doesn't mean it can't also be fun.

I think you might do well to visit this website: www.offbeatbride.com and read some stories about why some couples do such odd off beat ceremonies. Usually there's a loving story or reason behind them. They're expressing who they are on a day when they unite with another person for the rest of their life, they should be truest to themselves at their very core.

Even it if it doesn't "look" right.


I know you are getting married soon, Glitter and best wishes.   I'm really not trying to tell anyone what to do/not to do, just stating my opinion.  I don't know what chucks are.  I think my point was more to the point of - letting the "theme" become more important than anything else.  Or letting your desire for Uniqueness get away from you.  It also doesn't work if your partner doesn't share your love of Star Wars, and you push them into the storm trooper bridesmaids, because it's so important to you.   this obviously goes for a lot of other things as well - pushing your partner into a huge wedding that freaks them out, insisting on vegetarian meals when your partner loves steak, etc.

And I probably sound like an old fogey (I'm 50 this year).  I just prefer to see the ceremony more formal and serious.   Save Frodo and the Orcs for the reception.