Author Topic: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.  (Read 3476 times)

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Pumpkin Spice

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Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« on: March 02, 2014, 04:34:37 PM »
I'm probably not using the right terminology.  To be honest, I know next to nothing about weddings and the lingo. 

BG: Childhood friend Lucy and I have been close off and on again for 20 years.  Three years ago she started recontacting me after a big move to her birth state.  We now live 9 hours drive apart.  She was lonely and had just been through a big breakup.  She also had a love at first sight moment with a man at her parents' church.  It was one-sided, he knew of her because his parents and her parents were friends when she was a little girl.  Slowly things transitioned into a friendship and almost a year later she expressed her feelings and they became an item. The first year of their relationship was tricky and slow going and she asked me for advice at every turn.  I knew every single thought that penetrated her skull about this man (exaggeration).

I have always assumed that she started calling me again because she knew I'd be a good candidate for a listening ear for her feelings regarding her crush.  I was okay with it, still am I mean besides the fact that she doesn't seem all too interested in anything going on with me. 

Well, for about three months there has been some heavy talk between them of marriage so she has her wedding brain going in full force. Also they were both just in a wedding on V-day where she was a bridesmaid and he was the best man.  They got to walk down the aisle together which is sweet. It is assumed he may propose at any time.

When she first started talking about her wedding which was probably slightly before he and her even started discussing it, she made a big deal to me on a few occasions that she wants me to be her maid of honor and that I "better" in a joking voice. I said well, I dunno that's a far drive and how could I do any of the duties when I can only be there for a few days tops, plus I have four kids.  She understood but still seemed interested in the idea.

Within the last year she got a new job and started making local friends and her BF and her started hanging out a lot more often so I got blown off more and more.  She started calling way less especially after she moved out of her parents place and in with some room mates. Even more recently she got a new bestie up there and started talking to him (yes, him) about relationship woes.  I got replaced. /BG


The more I thought about it, the more I felt she should have her sister be the maid of honor and *maybe* I could be a bridesmaid which I would be honored to do.  She was her sister's maid of honor but she doesn't like her sister. 

A few days ago she called and things have been weird between us over the past two months.  I've been angry at being replaced because I have been a good friend to her over the years and I guess I'm disposable reusable would be a better term. Anyways, I breached the subject of her future wedding and shared my thoughts on not feeling comfortable being the maid of honor but perhaps a bridesmaids could work. She immediately sprung into action saying that she was thinking about it that morning in fact that yea, it would totally not work for me to be her MOH so she was going to make her sister her Matron of honor and her roommate her Maid of Honor. Here's where it gets lovely.. She then stated that I really shouldn't be in her wedding at all because how could she know for sure that I would make it there after she purchased the dress and all.  I told her that I would never agree to something that I couldn't find a definite way to commit to.  If I broke down, I'd get a rental car, etc. That there is no way I'd stand her up.  I never do that to people, seriously, I despise flakes.  She still hemmed hawed around and I knew she didn't want me in her wedding suddenly.

That really hurt.  After that phone call I kept thinking about how she dumped me from the wedding just like that. 

I'm here to ask is my being a bridesmaid in the wedding with the 9 hr drive and only getting there a day prior such a reach?  I mean doesn't this happen often and it's not a huge deal?  Like I said I'm not up with how weddings go (DH and I eloped) so I guess I'm wondering if I'm right for being butt-hurt over this or is she being perfectly reasonable.


I definitely don't want to be in her wedding now.  Should I come out and say "You're off the hook" or do I just wait for her to say "I'm engaged" and wait for her to talk about the wedding party plans?

Thanks

TootsNYC

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2014, 04:40:50 PM »
You're mad that she has changed her mind about you being in the wedding, and one of the excuses she gave was, how did she know you'd be able to.

Do you not see where that came from?

Quote
I said well, I dunno that's a far drive and how could I do any of the duties when I can only be there for a few days tops, plus I have four kids.  She understood but still seemed interested in the idea.

You brought it up. You rejected her first.

Maid of Honor doesn't really have any more duties than a bridesmaid (except sometimes she wears a different color of dress).
   In some circles, the MOH plans the shower, but not always, and even if she does, the bridesmaids are quite likely to be expected to help just as much (ditto any bachelorette party); sometimes she coordinates things w/ bridesmaids, but that can be done via phone and email, and it's not actually required--I sure didn't need my MOH to tell my bridesmaids about the dress and where to show up.

So if you think you can't be a MOH from 9 hours away, and apparently didn't even want to when it was only hypothetical, why would she think you could be a bridesmaid?

Pumpkin Spice

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2014, 04:52:50 PM »
You're mad that she has changed her mind about you being in the wedding, and one of the excuses she gave was, how did she know you'd be able to.

Do you not see where that came from?

Quote
I said well, I dunno that's a far drive and how could I do any of the duties when I can only be there for a few days tops, plus I have four kids.  She understood but still seemed interested in the idea.

You brought it up. You rejected her first.

Maid of Honor doesn't really have any more duties than a bridesmaid (except sometimes she wears a different color of dress).
   In some circles, the MOH plans the shower, but not always, and even if she does, the bridesmaids are quite likely to be expected to help just as much (ditto any bachelorette party); sometimes she coordinates things w/ bridesmaids, but that can be done via phone and email, and it's not actually required--I sure didn't need my MOH to tell my bridesmaids about the dress and where to show up.

So if you think you can't be a MOH from 9 hours away, and apparently didn't even want to when it was only hypothetical, why would she think you could be a bridesmaid?

I see your point. I did/do *want* to be a bridesmaid but didn't know if it was feesable.  Now, I see it's not. Alrighty then.


I guess I'll just tell her the next time we talk, I thought about it and she's right, it's not doable and hopefully I can come see the wedding. That for some reason I had the misconception that bridesmaids duties were mainly to be there for the wedding and one or two other things immediately prior.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2014, 04:59:13 PM by Pumpkin Spice »

TootsNYC

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2014, 04:57:57 PM »
It's not about whether it's feasible.

I do think it's feasible.

I think that the comment you made to her is what she's going on, when she is apparently deciding that either it isn't feasible, or you aren't all that interested.


She gushed about you being her MOH--that's an honor, that's a warm gesture. Your response was, "I don't think I can, it would be too much trouble." You probably hurt her feelings.

And you did it first.

Pumpkin Spice

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2014, 05:07:37 PM »


She gushed about you being her MOH--that's an honor, that's a warm gesture. Your response was, "I don't think I can, it would be too much trouble." You probably hurt her feelings.

And you did it first.

I'd have to relocate my entire family 9 hrs away for a month or so to do all the duties associated so that makes it not feasible.  Trouble?  How could she blame me when I'm just stating I wouldn't be a good candidate to give her the full bridal experience? (which is more the full extent of what I said).  I wasn't all rude about it. We were just two friends chit chatting.  She was kinda trying to say originally that I would be exempt from standard duties as long as I showed for the ceremony.  I argued that wouldn't be right.  I should have put that in the original post, sorry.

buvezdevin

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2014, 05:13:38 PM »
It sounds as though you realized that she was not keeping up the level of interaction which had been re-established by Lucy several years back, and has ebbed and flowed over two decades generally.  This was upsetting you to some extent, not least because you had been a supportive friend to Lucy, while receiving less support or interest from Lucy, and also because you feel replaced as her "go to" for discussing personal matters.  Lucy's change of thinking about about asking you to be in her wedding party hurts as it feels like an unwanted confirmation of a change which you were already unhappy with.

Generally, for anyone not yet engaged - I would view all talk of wedding party stuff as "prospective" and not a formal invitation, until - you know, there *is* a wedding being planned.  But I also see how friendly discussions set expectations, and having expectations unmet can cause hurt feelings.

The thing is - you already had hurt feelings about the most recent evolution of your friendship with Lucy, separate from the wedding party stuff.

It is possible that Lucy knows that you would not flake on a commitment to be in her wedding, but leveraged your previous comment about your time constraints because:
A.  She's letting you off the hook; or
B.  She has re-considered who she wants as attendants

In any event - I wouldn't bring up the subject of weddings with Lucy again, and step back and see how/if the friendship continues.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
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Pumpkin Spice

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2014, 05:14:20 PM »
What it all boils down to is I had the totally wrong idea about bridesmaids and thought they had so few duties that I may be able to do that as a compromise for not being the MOH. 

Because of the tension between us lately I assumed she was nixing the idea due to not finding me an important person in her life anymore.  But if her reasoning is perfectly logical, which it must be I'm finding out, then I'm totally wrong and I own that. 

However, I want to make it clear that my tone with her was never that of her putting me out.  I told her I felt very special but it wouldn't be right for me to have the honor but not the responsibilities of being her MOH.

Pumpkin Spice

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2014, 05:17:06 PM »
It sounds as though you realized that she was not keeping up the level of interaction which had been re-established by Lucy several years back, and has ebbed and flowed over two decades generally.  This was upsetting you to some extent, not least because you had been a supportive friend to Lucy, while receiving less support or interest from Lucy, and also because you feel replaced as her "go to" for discussing personal matters.  Lucy's change of thinking about about asking you to be in her wedding party hurts as it feels like an unwanted confirmation of a change which you were already unhappy with.

Generally, for anyone not yet engaged - I would view all talk of wedding party stuff as "prospective" and not a formal invitation, until - you know, there *is* a wedding being planned.  But I also see how friendly discussions set expectations, and having expectations unmet can cause hurt feelings.

The thing is - you already had hurt feelings about the most recent evolution of your friendship with Lucy, separate from the wedding party stuff.

It is possible that Lucy knows that you would not flake on a commitment to be in her wedding, but leveraged your previous comment about your time constraints because:
A.  She's letting you off the hook; or
B.  She has re-considered who she wants as attendants

In any event - I wouldn't bring up the subject of weddings with Lucy again, and step back and see how/if the friendship continues.

I like this. You're understanding the situation correctly.  Perhaps I should take your advice and not bring it up, I wasn't sure on that point. 

gollymolly2

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #8 on: March 02, 2014, 05:17:51 PM »
It's not about whether it's feasible.

I do think it's feasible.

I think that the comment you made to her is what she's going on, when she is apparently deciding that either it isn't feasible, or you aren't all that interested.


She gushed about you being her MOH--that's an honor, that's a warm gesture. Your response was, "I don't think I can, it would be too much trouble." You probably hurt her feelings.

And you did it first.

Totally agree with both of your posts.

Op, yes, it would have been feasible for you to be MoH or a BM despite the distance. You made a reference to having to uproot your family for a month but that's not realistic - being in a wedding party is not a full time job.

But agreed that you told her you didn't have the time or ability to be in her wedding party so it's really not fair to be upset with her for taking you at your word.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2014, 05:20:16 PM by gollymolly2 »

TootsNYC

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #9 on: March 02, 2014, 05:21:49 PM »
Maid of honor duties mean moving to a new town for a month?

Did she specifically say that she wanted you to do so much stuff as MOH?
Did she specifically elaborate on what "duties" there were?


I don't know anyone who needed that much "service" or "work" from their MOH. What "all the duties"?

She knows how far away you live--if she wanted you to be MOH, she couldn't have (sanely) been thinking that you'd dance attendance on her that much.

In fact, this *is* what she was thinking:

Quote
She was kinda trying to say originally that I would be exempt from standard duties as long as I showed for the ceremony.  I argued that wouldn't be right.

And she may have been thinking that you were trying to wriggle out because you didn't want to. Because why else would you keep insisting that these imaginary duties were so onerous, and not allow her to take them off your plate? And that you didn't, in the course of simply chit-chatting, say, "Oh, what an honor, that you want me in the wedding" and leave it at that, instead of pressing so hard that you couldn't (or wouldn't?) do it.
   Especially when -she- is the one saying, "your presence in that role is so much more important than any practical help." But you keep insisting that no, the MOH has to do those things, which means you can't be MOH; instead of saying, "Yes! I'll be MOH, thank you for not insisting I do those other silly things and instead just honoring me for the role I've played in your life and romance."

If you thought it wasn't hurtful for you to say, at that time, that you didn't want to be MOH, then I think it's a double standard for you to decide it's hurtful that she thinks being a BMaid is too hard.

You set a standard that said, "you can cite the amount of work involved if you want to reject this honor"; she was just doing it from the other side.


You don't have to be "rude about it" for someone to be hurt, or feel pushed away, by the things that you say. Tone isn't everything--substance is as well. And you rejected the role in her wedding, implying yourself that you were unreliable.


There are lots of pressures and expectations around the whole "be a bridesmaid" thing--Many, many people say they want someone to be in their wedding in a flush of enthusiasm, and when they come right down actually making a decision, they realize they have other people more appropriate; or there has been distance in the meantime, or something. Try not to take those things too seriously.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2014, 05:22:50 PM »
Toots didn't say you were rude.  You weren't rude. But you basically said no to her when you both were talking about being in her wedding party. 

When someone says "I want you to be my maid of honor" and you say "I dunno that's a far drive and how could I do any of the duties when I can only be there for a few days tops, plus I have four kids."  That is not a yes or affirmative response.  It's a negative response. 

buvezdevin

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2014, 05:25:13 PM »
Also, wanted to add that I agree being a long distance MOH is *possible* (I was one for a dear friend), but I think OP is not at all wrong in thinking it might not work for Lucy and her.

There have been plenty of posts on this site, and stories elsewhere re bridezillas, and of the perfectly reasonable brides I have known there is wide variance of what each bride wants or expects a MOH to do, and be present for during planning through the wedding.

If Lucy does bring up wedding party matters and ask OP to participate, and OP has any interest - OP could say "I will be honored to be in your wedding party, I first want to be sure I can do whatever you are hoping for - so, aside from the wedding itself, how would you want my help and participation?"
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shhh its me

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2014, 05:26:21 PM »


She gushed about you being her MOH--that's an honor, that's a warm gesture. Your response was, "I don't think I can, it would be too much trouble." You probably hurt her feelings.

And you did it first.

I'd have to relocate my entire family 9 hrs away for a month or so to do all the duties associated so that makes it not feasible.  Trouble?  How could she blame me when I'm just stating I wouldn't be a good candidate to give her the full bridal experience? (which is more the full extent of what I said).  I wasn't all rude about it. We were just two friends chit chatting.  She was kinda trying to say originally that I would be exempt from standard duties as long as I showed for the ceremony.  I argued that wouldn't be right.  I should have put that in the original post, sorry.

I don't think you did anything terrible but you said "this will not be workable the way it should be done and even with lots of compromise it will be inconvenient and not as good as it could be" the first time it was brought up , its perfectly reasonable for her to agree with you.  In all honesty , its probably really healthy for her to have an additional friend(for both of you) I'd suggest trying to evolve the friendship into a more equal one... contact her to tell her your news and talk about your week if she never wants to listen; why are you friends?

That doesn't mean it "she only calls when she needs something " is not a legitimate complaint , that is a great complaint.

TootsNYC

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2014, 05:27:42 PM »
Lucy's change of thinking about about asking you to be in her wedding party hurts as it feels like an unwanted confirmation of a change which you were already unhappy with.

Agree with this.

Quote
Generally, for anyone not yet engaged - I would view all talk of wedding party stuff as "prospective" and not a formal invitation, until - you know, there *is* a wedding being planned. 
And this--so wise! People get enthusiastic. Hold those comments lightly.

Quote
The thing is - you already had hurt feelings about the most recent evolution of your friendship with Lucy, separate from the wedding party stuff.

It is possible that Lucy knows that you would not flake on a commitment to be in her wedding, but leveraged your previous comment about your time constraints because:
A.  She's letting you off the hook; or
B.  She has re-considered who she wants as attendants

This is very likely. And she is using the excuse that you yourself identified as "acceptable."

Quote
In any event - I wouldn't bring up the subject of weddings with Lucy again, and step back and see how/if the friendship continues.

Very, very wise; I agree with this as well.

peaches

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2014, 05:30:27 PM »
What it all boils down to is I had the totally wrong idea about bridesmaids and thought they had so few duties that I may be able to do that as a compromise for not being the MOH. 

However, I want to make it clear that my tone with her was never that of her putting me out.  I told her I felt very special but it wouldn't be right for me to have the honor but not the responsibilities of being her MOH.

I think I get this now. OP felt she would not be able to be MOH, but still assumed she would be a bridesmaid in any future wedding.

It seems her friend interpreted their first conversation as meaning OP wouldn't be able to participate at all.
And/or friend has new buddies and wants to choose other people (which happens).

When it comes to bridesmaids, some participate in a lot of activities, and some just show up for the wedding ceremony (due to distance, work or parental responsibilities, etc.). It's up to the bride to decide if she wants to invite someone to be a bridesmaid who can't be "all in" for all of the activities surrounding the wedding.

OP, I'm sorry about how this has played out so far. It could be a misunderstanding about what you meant originally, or that this friend has just moved on. Either way, I can see why it could be hurtful.

I think the best thing to do is to back off and let the situation play out. You can decide later whether to attend the wedding if there is one and you're invited.

« Last Edit: March 02, 2014, 05:34:16 PM by peaches »