Maid of honor duties mean moving to a new town for a month?
Did she specifically say that she wanted you to do so much stuff as MOH?
Did she specifically elaborate on what "duties" there were?
I don't know anyone who needed that much "service" or "work" from their MOH. What "all the duties"?
how far away you live--if she wanted you to be MOH, she couldn't have (sanely) been thinking that you'd dance attendance on her that much.
In fact, this *is* what she was thinking:
She was kinda trying to say originally that I would be exempt from standard duties as long as I showed for the ceremony. I argued that wouldn't be right.
And she may have been thinking that you were trying to wriggle out because you didn't want to. Because why else would you keep insisting that these imaginary duties were so onerous, and not allow her to take them off your plate? And that you didn't, in the course of simply chit-chatting, say, "Oh, what an honor, that you want me in the wedding" and leave it at that, instead of pressing so hard that you couldn't (or wouldn't?) do it.
Especially when -she- is the one saying, "your presence in that role is so much more important than any practical help." But you keep insisting that no, the MOH has to do those things, which means you can't be MOH; instead of saying, "Yes! I'll be MOH, thank you for not insisting I do those other silly things and instead just honoring me for the role I've played in your life and romance."
If you thought it wasn't hurtful for you to say, at that time, that you didn't want to be MOH, then I think it's a double standard for you to decide it's hurtful that she thinks being a BMaid is too hard.
You set a standard that said, "you can cite the amount of work involved if you want to reject this honor"; she was just doing it from the other side.
You don't have to be "rude about it" for someone to be hurt, or feel pushed away, by the things that you say. Tone isn't everything--substance is as well. And you rejected the role in her wedding, implying yourself that you were unreliable.
There are lots of pressures and expectations around the whole "be a bridesmaid" thing--Many, many people say they want someone to be in their wedding in a flush of enthusiasm, and when they come right down actually making a decision, they realize they have other people more appropriate; or there has been distance in the meantime, or something. Try not to take those things too seriously.