Wedding Bliss and Blues > The Wedding Party

Friend reneged on wedding party invite.

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Pumpkin Spice:
I'm probably not using the right terminology.  To be honest, I know next to nothing about weddings and the lingo. 

BG: Childhood friend Lucy and I have been close off and on again for 20 years.  Three years ago she started recontacting me after a big move to her birth state.  We now live 9 hours drive apart.  She was lonely and had just been through a big breakup.  She also had a love at first sight moment with a man at her parents' church.  It was one-sided, he knew of her because his parents and her parents were friends when she was a little girl.  Slowly things transitioned into a friendship and almost a year later she expressed her feelings and they became an item. The first year of their relationship was tricky and slow going and she asked me for advice at every turn.  I knew every single thought that penetrated her skull about this man (exaggeration).

I have always assumed that she started calling me again because she knew I'd be a good candidate for a listening ear for her feelings regarding her crush.  I was okay with it, still am I mean besides the fact that she doesn't seem all too interested in anything going on with me. 

Well, for about three months there has been some heavy talk between them of marriage so she has her wedding brain going in full force. Also they were both just in a wedding on V-day where she was a bridesmaid and he was the best man.  They got to walk down the aisle together which is sweet. It is assumed he may propose at any time.

When she first started talking about her wedding which was probably slightly before he and her even started discussing it, she made a big deal to me on a few occasions that she wants me to be her maid of honor and that I "better" in a joking voice. I said well, I dunno that's a far drive and how could I do any of the duties when I can only be there for a few days tops, plus I have four kids.  She understood but still seemed interested in the idea.

Within the last year she got a new job and started making local friends and her BF and her started hanging out a lot more often so I got blown off more and more.  She started calling way less especially after she moved out of her parents place and in with some room mates. Even more recently she got a new bestie up there and started talking to him (yes, him) about relationship woes.  I got replaced. /BG


The more I thought about it, the more I felt she should have her sister be the maid of honor and *maybe* I could be a bridesmaid which I would be honored to do.  She was her sister's maid of honor but she doesn't like her sister. 

A few days ago she called and things have been weird between us over the past two months.  I've been angry at being replaced because I have been a good friend to her over the years and I guess I'm disposable reusable would be a better term. Anyways, I breached the subject of her future wedding and shared my thoughts on not feeling comfortable being the maid of honor but perhaps a bridesmaids could work. She immediately sprung into action saying that she was thinking about it that morning in fact that yea, it would totally not work for me to be her MOH so she was going to make her sister her Matron of honor and her roommate her Maid of Honor. Here's where it gets lovely.. She then stated that I really shouldn't be in her wedding at all because how could she know for sure that I would make it there after she purchased the dress and all.  I told her that I would never agree to something that I couldn't find a definite way to commit to.  If I broke down, I'd get a rental car, etc. That there is no way I'd stand her up.  I never do that to people, seriously, I despise flakes.  She still hemmed hawed around and I knew she didn't want me in her wedding suddenly.

That really hurt.  After that phone call I kept thinking about how she dumped me from the wedding just like that. 

I'm here to ask is my being a bridesmaid in the wedding with the 9 hr drive and only getting there a day prior such a reach?  I mean doesn't this happen often and it's not a huge deal?  Like I said I'm not up with how weddings go (DH and I eloped) so I guess I'm wondering if I'm right for being butt-hurt over this or is she being perfectly reasonable.


I definitely don't want to be in her wedding now.  Should I come out and say "You're off the hook" or do I just wait for her to say "I'm engaged" and wait for her to talk about the wedding party plans?

Thanks

TootsNYC:
You're mad that she has changed her mind about you being in the wedding, and one of the excuses she gave was, how did she know you'd be able to.

Do you not see where that came from?


--- Quote ---I said well, I dunno that's a far drive and how could I do any of the duties when I can only be there for a few days tops, plus I have four kids.  She understood but still seemed interested in the idea.
--- End quote ---

You brought it up. You rejected her first.

Maid of Honor doesn't really have any more duties than a bridesmaid (except sometimes she wears a different color of dress).
   In some circles, the MOH plans the shower, but not always, and even if she does, the bridesmaids are quite likely to be expected to help just as much (ditto any bachelorette party); sometimes she coordinates things w/ bridesmaids, but that can be done via phone and email, and it's not actually required--I sure didn't need my MOH to tell my bridesmaids about the dress and where to show up.

So if you think you can't be a MOH from 9 hours away, and apparently didn't even want to when it was only hypothetical, why would she think you could be a bridesmaid?

Pumpkin Spice:

--- Quote from: TootsNYC on March 02, 2014, 04:40:50 PM ---You're mad that she has changed her mind about you being in the wedding, and one of the excuses she gave was, how did she know you'd be able to.

Do you not see where that came from?


--- Quote ---I said well, I dunno that's a far drive and how could I do any of the duties when I can only be there for a few days tops, plus I have four kids.  She understood but still seemed interested in the idea.
--- End quote ---

You brought it up. You rejected her first.

Maid of Honor doesn't really have any more duties than a bridesmaid (except sometimes she wears a different color of dress).
   In some circles, the MOH plans the shower, but not always, and even if she does, the bridesmaids are quite likely to be expected to help just as much (ditto any bachelorette party); sometimes she coordinates things w/ bridesmaids, but that can be done via phone and email, and it's not actually required--I sure didn't need my MOH to tell my bridesmaids about the dress and where to show up.

So if you think you can't be a MOH from 9 hours away, and apparently didn't even want to when it was only hypothetical, why would she think you could be a bridesmaid?

--- End quote ---

I see your point. I did/do *want* to be a bridesmaid but didn't know if it was feesable.  Now, I see it's not. Alrighty then.


I guess I'll just tell her the next time we talk, I thought about it and she's right, it's not doable and hopefully I can come see the wedding. That for some reason I had the misconception that bridesmaids duties were mainly to be there for the wedding and one or two other things immediately prior.

TootsNYC:
It's not about whether it's feasible.

I do think it's feasible.

I think that the comment you made to her is what she's going on, when she is apparently deciding that either it isn't feasible, or you aren't all that interested.


She gushed about you being her MOH--that's an honor, that's a warm gesture. Your response was, "I don't think I can, it would be too much trouble." You probably hurt her feelings.

And you did it first.

Pumpkin Spice:

--- Quote from: TootsNYC on March 02, 2014, 04:57:57 PM ---

She gushed about you being her MOH--that's an honor, that's a warm gesture. Your response was, "I don't think I can, it would be too much trouble." You probably hurt her feelings.

And you did it first.

--- End quote ---

I'd have to relocate my entire family 9 hrs away for a month or so to do all the duties associated so that makes it not feasible.  Trouble?  How could she blame me when I'm just stating I wouldn't be a good candidate to give her the full bridal experience? (which is more the full extent of what I said).  I wasn't all rude about it. We were just two friends chit chatting.  She was kinda trying to say originally that I would be exempt from standard duties as long as I showed for the ceremony.  I argued that wouldn't be right.  I should have put that in the original post, sorry.

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