Author Topic: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.  (Read 3842 times)

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Pumpkin Spice

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2014, 05:32:55 PM »
I surrender! I give up, you're all right, LOL!

The banter between her and I is always extremely light and jokey so neither her nor I were being very careful of our responses to one another. 

I do realize there are lots of different varieties of range in the bridal parties' duties and she was saying things at the time like "I don't need hardly any trouble over me".  But, I know her well enough to figure she would change her mind on that so I was trying to be the one who was thinking ahead.  There is just no way with a baby and the money for travel that I could go up there more than once and for more than 2 or 3 days and I knew she would need more than that out of a MoH even with my lack of wedding knowledge.

NyaChan

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #16 on: March 02, 2014, 05:37:16 PM »
I think you have the right idea of it - regardless of the reason, it seems she isn't interested in having you in the wedding anymore.  I agree with your decision - I wouldn't bring it up again, especially since it seems as if she never explicitly asked you to be a bridesmaid.  Might be better for the friendship to just drop the subject altogether.

Pumpkin Spice

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #17 on: March 02, 2014, 05:39:37 PM »
There are lots of pressures and expectations around the whole "be a bridesmaid" thing--Many, many people say they want someone to be in their wedding in a flush of enthusiasm, and when they come right down actually making a decision, they realize they have other people more appropriate; or there has been distance in the meantime, or something. Try not to take those things too seriously.

Thanks, I can see this being the case.  Also, sorry I came off so defensive towards you.  You're just being honest and trying to help.

Pumpkin Spice

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #18 on: March 02, 2014, 05:42:23 PM »
I think you have the right idea of it - regardless of the reason, it seems she isn't interested in having you in the wedding anymore.  I agree with your decision - I wouldn't bring it up again, especially since it seems as if she never explicitly asked you to be a bridesmaid.  Might be better for the friendship to just drop the subject altogether.

yea, I'm going to just drop it.  If she brings it up, I'll tell her my confusion.  It will be fine.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #19 on: March 02, 2014, 06:09:38 PM »
Oh my!  I think you are dodging a bullet!

There isn't even a wedding in the works!  The man hasn't proposed!  And she is finagling all this drama over who is going to do what.  ::)

Can you imagine the drama when...  IF... it actually happens?!

Ugh!

You are there for her and that obviously means something to you, but this is not a two way street.  I get where you're coming from--it's nice to be needed, to have someone value your opinion.  But, its much nicer if that person also values and cares enough to know what's going on in your life as well.  That's a friendship worth having and worth sacrificing for...

not only that...  but if mean a lot of someone, they want you standing up for them on their wedding day even if you can't help out along the way because they value who you are and have been to them and not simply what they need you to do for them.

If this wedding happens and you are invited, go and have a good time.  There is a lot to be said for just going to a wedding as a guest and not having a lot of other complications.

sammycat

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #20 on: March 02, 2014, 08:21:23 PM »
Oh my!  I think you are dodging a bullet!

There isn't even a wedding in the works!  The man hasn't proposed!  And she is finagling all this drama over who is going to do what.  ::)

Can you imagine the drama when...  IF... it actually happens?!

Ugh!

You are there for her and that obviously means something to you, but this is not a two way street.  I get where you're coming from--it's nice to be needed, to have someone value your opinion.  But, its much nicer if that person also values and cares enough to know what's going on in your life as well.  That's a friendship worth having and worth sacrificing for...

not only that...  but if mean a lot of someone, they want you standing up for them on their wedding day even if you can't help out along the way because they value who you are and have been to them and not simply what they need you to do for them.

If this wedding happens and you are invited, go and have a good time.  There is a lot to be said for just going to a wedding as a guest and not having a lot of other complications.

I agree. It seems as though Friend is putting the cart before the horse. There isn't even a wedding to actually plan yet and she's already hurt one of the people who's been supportive of her in the past (without getting anything in return by the sounds of it).

It sounds to me as though Friend has made some new local friends and would rather have them in the wedding and is using OP's one time comment to justify not having OP in the wedding, rather than being honest (with herself if nothing else) and admitting she'd rather have her new friend/s rather than the long term friend who has been there through thick and thin. (I see that her sister is going to be MOH and I'll give her a pass on that one as family politics can come into play there).

IME, bridesmaids and MOHs don't really have much involvement in pre wedding prep, so I think it's perfectly feasible to arrive the day before. It's also been my experience that there really isn't much, if any, distinction between Maid/Matron of Honour and a general bridesmaid. Other people's MMV. My barometer for a long distance BM would be ensuring they have the right dress (either via mail order or meeting up one day to choose it) and turning up on the dad and doing their duties properly.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2014, 08:23:40 PM by sammycat »

BarensMom

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #21 on: March 03, 2014, 03:23:31 PM »
OP, you dodged a cannon ball with your faux pas. 

If Lucy is already doing the wedding talk without a ring and a date, I can just imagine the potential for bridezillaish behavior.  This is an already one-sided friendship (does she even know your children's names?).  She is so self-centered, that you already know it's going to be all about "her day."  If you accepted being a bridesmaid, she wouldn't give you a break on your "duties" because of the distance.

Be thankful for your escape, and, if she gives you a chance to be a "B List" bridesmaid, absolutely do not accept.


lowspark

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #22 on: March 03, 2014, 03:32:05 PM »
Based on your OP, it sounds like you really didn't want to be in the wedding and you let her know that. Then when she took you at your word and backed off of including you, your feelings got hurt. I can understand that, I've done stuff like that before. Sometimes, just because you don't want to do something doesn't mean you don't want to be asked!

But I do agree that this is really putting the cart before the horse. He hasn't even proposed yet and in the meantime, all kinds of things could happen to change her mind about who should be in the wedding and your mind about whether you want to or are able to participate. Until they actually get engaged, all her wedding talk strikes me as a mere verbalization of her fantasies.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #23 on: March 03, 2014, 06:49:05 PM »
I think that's what makes it hurtful--it's not even a real thing.  There is no reason for her to be asking people to be in her wedding party or to be cutting them from it because there is no wedding!
 
What kind of person would want to have to cut someone from their wedding party when it doesn't even exist?!

Something like that is bound to cause hurt feelings when its real, so why do it when it is completely unnecessary?  It's just mean.

And if someone is going to be mean while playing pretend, how much worse is it going to be when its for reals?

mime

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #24 on: March 03, 2014, 07:46:14 PM »
I see where you're coming from. You can't help but feel like you were her best friend during the beginning of her romance, and you were offered the honor of being MOH. Now it appears that you're no longer needed, your friendship is no longer called upon so frequently, and you are no longer considered for a place of honor in the wedding.

That would be a disappointment.

I personally had no expectations of my MOH or BMs except for their presence. They arrived from Nevada, South Carolina, and North Carolina to my home in Minnesota the night before the wedding. Reading on this forum and blog, though, makes me feel like I'm in the overwhelming minority with having no month-long list of MOH responsibilities! I also have come to think of a typical MOH as having more responsibility than a BM, and while you couldn't swing the logistics of being MOH, I see how you could have managed being a BM.

I also suspect (as do others) that this particular bride would be very demanding of her MOH, so being honest with her about your limitations was good for both of you, IMO. I don't think your responses should have forced her to consider you incapable of being a 'regular' BM, though. I think there's a middle ground in there. I see from the other responses that I'm not in the majority in thinking that, though.

If the wedding happens, you can select a nice gift, make a 2-day trip to the wedding, attend with no obligation except to celebrate with your friend, sit with your family, dance with your DH, and wear whatever you want... and that's not all bad, right?

baglady

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #25 on: March 03, 2014, 09:07:01 PM »
What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Setting aside the fact that Lucy isn't even engaged yet ...

Lucy broached the subject of OP being her MoH. OP replied that it probably wouldn't be feasible because she assumes being MoH requires a long-term commitment of time and effort, and she lives a distance away and has kids. So Lucy let her off the hook, just not for being MoH but for being in the wedding party at all, because she may be assuming that even being a regular bridesmaid would be a hardship. I'm guessing Lucy thought she was being kind by not burdening OP with being in the wedding party.

I have no idea what Lucy's expectations are for her MoH and maids. I know that in some circles it's expected that the MoH and/or maids will be involved in planning every step of the way, from dress shopping and picking out flowers to making favors and throwing the bachelorette party. Other brides (this was me) just want their attendants to show up, put on the dress and support them on The Day. The only additional duty the MoH has is signing the license and (if there's no ring bearer) handing over the groom's ring for that part of the ceremony. Other brides expect something in between -- the maids throw the bachelorette but don't do any other preliminaries.

This could have been avoided if OP had clarified up front with Lucy exactly what was expected of her MoH/bridesmaids. Instead, OP assumed that the job would entail a huge time commitment and hassle, and Lucy might have been assuming a minimal commitment and read OP's reaction that even that would be a burden. I would give Lucy the benefit of the doubt and assume that her motivation was to give OP an out, not throw their friendship under the bus.
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4children

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #26 on: March 03, 2014, 10:02:52 PM »
This is just how I would feel if I was Lucy. I asked my best friend on several occasions to be my MOH. She turned me down with what I thought were weak excuses. My feelings would be very hurt. I probably wouldn't say anything but might back away some. Then if I was talking to her later and she brought up being a bridesmaid I would be surprised. I would probably say no also. First because she turned down the honor of being my MOH. Secondly because I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid.

So I, too, think this was some bad communication. Is she gets married go to the wedding with a smile and be happy for her. I hope at some point you two can really talk and repair your relationship.

Also just a thought. I have several good friends who live far away. Our friendships ebb and flow over the years due to distance and life stages. But at the end of the day we are all great friends. Not everybody chooses to have friendships like that, and that is ok.

Pumpkin Spice

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #27 on: March 03, 2014, 11:37:17 PM »
a) I actually DID/DO want to be in the wedding and she knew/knows that.

b) However,  it is financially impossible for me to come up for more than 2-3 days tops.  I mean it, I sincerely cannot make more than one trip and would be extremely limited on the stay.  We are a one income family with 4 kids.  We barely get by.  Also, DH would HAVE to come with and he can only get so many days off work. She understands all this.  Seriously, we've known each other for 20 yrs and have talked several times a week for 3 yrs now, there aren't many secrets. 

c) What I'm now coming to the conclusion of is she was never truly serious about wanting me in the wedding but was "fantasizing". Then when the wedding became more likely to actually occur, she became more serious and decided it was too far fetched and would not entertain it all all because (her words) she wouldn't want to have to worry about me standing her up and her having to fill my spot last minute.

d) I knew it was far fetched too from the very beginning but was willing to re-evaluate after the proposal and wedding date decision to see if it was doable because I am honored to stand up for her and thought I meant enough to her to trust that if I said I'd be there I would. 

e) It has now occurred to me that she may just want her two roommates and her sis and it's possible her BF wants only 3 groomsmen so she has no spot for me. (3 on 3) OR she thinks I would be a hassle because I'm not local.

f) We're apparently growing apart and it bothers me more than her.  I suspect she will become re-interested in me during (if she has) her first pregnancy (they want kids sooner than later).  I'm her only Mommy friend, I will then become necessary again.

g) Twenty years and many cycles of this sort of thing with her.  If anyone thinks it was I that hurt her by calling her bluff, that's truly laughable.  She barely gives me a second thought, I'm hardly on her radar at the moment.  She's been so "busy" after-all.  Isn't that what we tell people when we're trying to phase them out?

h) I did already try to talk to her about my hurt feelings over her neglect and she laughed it off. Said she's been so busy.  The saying is "Make new friend's but keep the old.  One is silver and the other Gold." not "Make new friends and when they dissipate, go back to old reliable. They always take you back because they're sentimental."
« Last Edit: March 04, 2014, 12:01:45 AM by Pumpkin Spice »

PastryGoddess

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #28 on: March 03, 2014, 11:47:44 PM »
One of the great things about E-hell is the ability to view many different viewpoints.  If you are expecting people to simply agree with you, then you've come to the wrong place. 

Pumpkin Spice

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #29 on: March 03, 2014, 11:52:45 PM »
One of the great things about E-hell is the ability to view many different viewpoints.  If you are expecting people to simply agree with you, then you've come to the wrong place.

Fair enough.  It's just hard because  I feel there is vital information that I'm not correctly conveying so I'm being misunderstood.


ETA: I modified my post so I won't sound so offensive.  I'll admit, I'm in a particularly tender and bitter mood over her at the moment and became defensive again.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2014, 12:05:35 AM by Pumpkin Spice »