Author Topic: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?  (Read 2601 times)

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LadyStormwing

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How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« on: March 03, 2014, 10:53:25 PM »
My dear fiancée and I are getting married in September, and my MsOH and bridesmaids have already approached me about the bachelorette. (We do things early around here.) I've asked that we keep it low-key; I'm a little beyond the days of going out and getting trashed; I'd like to keep things classy. To that end, we've talked about an authentic Japanese tea ceremony, visiting the bath house/hot tubs, hibachi, and a spa night. One of my bridesmaids though, can be a bit on the wild side and is already talking about sashes, anatomically correct cakes, etc.

With me having so much input on the night already, how can I gently discourage her from any of that? (Frankly, I'd be mortified! :o)

PastryGoddess

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2014, 10:58:56 PM »
I think when you hear her making those comments, you let her know immediately that's not something you're interested in doing AT ALL. 

If she doesn't get the hint, then you may need to have a private come to deity talk with her using words with small syllables so she's not confused

NyaChan

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2014, 11:13:03 PM »
You could also tell one close friend in the wedding party/planning group that you absolutely don't want that for the party and ask them to advocate for you.  I'd put it in a "I'd be happy with whatever you guys want to do, except I'm absolutely uncomfortable with x, y, z." 

Kaymar

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2014, 11:30:07 PM »
You could also tell one close friend in the wedding party/planning group that you absolutely don't want that for the party and ask them to advocate for you.  I'd put it in a "I'd be happy with whatever you guys want to do, except I'm absolutely uncomfortable with x, y, z."

Absolutely.  I've been that friend who was a bridesmaid and dissuaded the other bridesmaids from doing something that I knew the bride would hate.  Tell them neither you nor your future wife are into that kind of thing.

Oh Joy

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2014, 08:39:21 AM »
I would make sure to be clear when you mention it to her - in whatever context - that you don't mean that you don't want it in a way that it would be funny if they did it, but in a way that it would really make you sad.  I think sometimes people misinterpret protests.

Best wishes!

Yvaine

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2014, 09:12:09 AM »
I would make sure to be clear when you mention it to her - in whatever context - that you don't mean that you don't want it in a way that it would be funny if they did it, but in a way that it would really make you sad.  I think sometimes people misinterpret protests.

Best wishes!

Yes! This is not like the Kristen Wiig "Don't make me sing."

lowspark

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2014, 10:45:05 AM »
Someone who is a good enough friend to be a bridesmaid should be someone to whom you can speak frankly and who will take you at your word.

So just have a one-on-one discussion with her. Friend, you've mentioned x, y & z which are things I absolutely do not want at my bachelorette party. Please understand, I'm very serious and will be very unhappy if you arrange these things behind my back after I've specifically asked you not to.

Or... whatever wording will work. Just make sure, as PPs have said, that she understands you are serious and that it will not be appreciated if she goes against your wishes.

SamiHami

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2014, 10:53:41 AM »
Good luck. You've received excellent advice here; I hope you can get her to listen. Mine didn't when I got married. The girls took me to an "all male revue" show, which was fine. What wasn't fine is one of them wanted to put me in the "hot seat," where they take you up on stage while the male entertainers did suggestive dances for you. I was adamant that I did not want that. Absolutely, positively did not want-I was not being coy. So of course that one decided I was being silly and slipped away to pay to have me pulled onstage for this humiliation. She got really angry when I sat right where I was and flatly refused to participate. Suddenly it was my fault that she spent the money to do that for to me and I should have been grateful and gone along with it.

Be firm. And tell your other attendants to talk to her as well. Maybe if you all gang up on her she'll realize you actually mean it.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

TootsNYC

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2014, 11:10:40 AM »
You could also tell one close friend in the wedding party/planning group that you absolutely don't want that for the party and ask them to advocate for you.  I'd put it in a "I'd be happy with whatever you guys want to do, except I'm absolutely uncomfortable with x, y, z."

Absolutely.  I've been that friend who was a bridesmaid and dissuaded the other bridesmaids from doing something that I knew the bride would hate.  Tell them neither you nor your future wife are into that kind of thing.

I think this is the first tactic.

And if she's still talking about it closer to the event, then you say to her, "You've made comments about anatomically correct cakes, etc., but I want you to know--I do not want that. You're my friend, so I know you won't want to do something that is really uncomfortable or distasteful to me."

Carotte

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2014, 11:17:41 AM »
Wouldn't the MOH be the one more or less "in charge"? You could make a point to remind her of what you want, and what you absolutely don't want. Or your closest BM.

TootsNYC

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2014, 11:19:58 AM »
Also, there is nothing even remotely "special snowflake" about telling someone that you are not comfortable with crudeness at your bachelorette get-together.

You might start trying to get people to stop calling is a bachelorette party, and switch to some term like "bridesmaids night" or "friendship night" or "bridal tea" or "bridal spa day."

Lynn2000

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2014, 03:23:02 PM »
Also, there is nothing even remotely "special snowflake" about telling someone that you are not comfortable with crudeness at your bachelorette get-together.

You might start trying to get people to stop calling is a bachelorette party, and switch to some term like "bridesmaids night" or "friendship night" or "bridal tea" or "bridal spa day."

POD. Or whatever it is that you aren't comfortable with. It's a party for YOU and while some brides can certainly take that too far and be selfish about it, this is really the opposite of that. Special snowflake would be insisting on doing something far out of the price or time range of the bridesmaids, for example. Or insisting that Bridesmaid X accompany you at the spa day when she's really uncomfortable with that.

I would talk to the "suggesting" bridesmaid directly, and also mention to the MOH or another 'maid with a leader personality to keep an eye out for this and head it off if they see it coming anyway. It doesn't have to be a big deal to nip it in the bud; but, if you're put on the spot at your party, that could be quite awkward and unpleasant, especially if somehow the others were convinced it would be a good idea.
~Lynn2000

allthelittledaisies

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #12 on: June 07, 2014, 04:09:20 PM »
I am a few days late perhaps, but I do not think you're being a special snowflake. If this woman is a friend to you it should not be a hardship for her to not make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy. I myself would be mortified if a friend arranged anything like that for me, and would re-consider the friendship as a whole after the event.

allthelittledaisies

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Re: How do I avoid being the special snowflake?
« Reply #13 on: June 07, 2014, 04:11:25 PM »
I forgot to add the central point to my last post! Needs more coffee.

Friends should be able to have simple, honest conversations and I basically agree with and parrot what everyone else has said. Talk to your friend directly and tell her it would make you unhappy for her to do this thing. That sentence alone should stop any reasonable friend. (I hope?)