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Author Topic: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)  (Read 152331 times)

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Lady Snowdon

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #255 on: March 15, 2014, 07:17:36 AM »
Oh ye gods, my wedding!  My mother was sooo excited to "help" me plan my wedding.  You see, she's been married twice, and neither time was a "normal" wedding, so she really wanted me to have the BWW that every girl dreams of.  Except that I never did dream about a BWW, so we spent a LOT of time discussing her "help". 

I mentioned in the "Wedding Regrets" folder that I was forced into having a wedding cake instead of cookies because of my mother's shock and horror that I would want such a thing.  Mom also tried to convince the florist that I needed more plants/greenery/decorations at the church and for our tables at the reception; I called the florist later on and clarified what I actually wanted.  When we went shopping for material for my wedding dress, Mom tried to buy cream colored satin instead of the blue silk that I wanted.  I ended up having to carry the bolt of blue silk with me the entire time in the store so she couldn't "lose" it by accident.  I finally got her to listen to what I wanted after she cried, "I don't know why you won't listen to your mother about these things; I know what's best!".  I said, "Mom, you raised me to think for myself and form my own opinions.  If I wasn't supposed to do that, you did a dingdangity poor job of raising me!".  I have no idea why that, among everything else I tried, got through to her, but thank goodness it did!  The laws frown on matricide, for some reason...

Octavia

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #256 on: March 15, 2014, 07:21:36 AM »
I would like my work to stop helping for the moment, or at least to find a different way to help.

We've been miserably short-handed for a long time. Like several years. The bulk of the work/stress/garbage that comes from being short-handed falls directly on my shoulders. We're heading for a new delivery and of course, work is piling up at an amazing rate. I'm working 12-16 hour days some times.

So, the company hires a bunch of new people. Great thing, right? Guess who now has the responsibility of training these people and giving them their technical direction? Me. With no relief from the rest of the work I have to do. Sadly, nobody is going to be productive in working on our product for at least 3 months (more likely 6 months), so until they do come up to speed, my work-load just doubled. Thanks for the "help" guys!
I can empathize. At my last job I carried a much bigger workload than my coworkers and like you was working lots of hours. Every summer our department would be given a summer intern, and that intern would be pushed my way because no one else wanted anything to do with him/her. So I would be stuck working even more hours trying to train this person and create & oversee a project that would last 12 weeks and would not really help us. No vacation for me. After four years of that I was over it. I told the boss either he redistributes part of my workload amongst the rest of the group or I'm not going to have anything to do with the summer intern. He picked the latter.

The wedding stories upthread are so sad! My brother and sister-in-law eloped because they didn't want either of their mothers to "help" them. It's a shame that they and so many adults are deprived of what they want and deserve because of one selfish, controlling person in their lives.
"I never explain anything." ~Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins

camlan

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #257 on: March 15, 2014, 07:31:54 AM »
I would like my work to stop helping for the moment, or at least to find a different way to help.

We've been miserably short-handed for a long time. Like several years. The bulk of the work/stress/garbage that comes from being short-handed falls directly on my shoulders. We're heading for a new delivery and of course, work is piling up at an amazing rate. I'm working 12-16 hour days some times.

So, the company hires a bunch of new people. Great thing, right? Guess who now has the responsibility of training these people and giving them their technical direction? Me. With no relief from the rest of the work I have to do. Sadly, nobody is going to be productive in working on our product for at least 3 months (more likely 6 months), so until they do come up to speed, my work-load just doubled. Thanks for the "help" guys!

Oh, dear. Reminds me of the time the department I managed was very short-handed. I'd seen the problem coming a year before and pressed hard to get new employees in and trained. But no, I was just worrying too much.

So we hire two new employees who will start on the same day. I'm in charge of training them both, which usually meant that most other responsibilities would be taken away from me for 3-4 weeks. This time, with two trainees, I'm thinking 4 weeks at least.

Nope. The Fridday before the new hires start, I'm assigned an 800 page document to proofread and edit. It isn't typeset yet. More than half the pages are nothing but columns of numbers--tedious and time-consuming to proof. Ordinarily, an 800 page document would be split between 2 or 3 editors and we'd have 2 weeks to work on it. I'm the only editor assigned, because we are so dang-dingity busy, and I will have 5 days to work on it.

I went to the president of the company, my immediate supervisor, and told her this was impossible--I couldn't train two new people and edit a huge document.

Her "help" was to have someone else give the new hires a 3 hour orientation to the company on Monday morning--when none of the document was typeset yet. Worse than useless.

And I was told I shouldn't be complaining. Hadn't I just gotten two new employees to help out? Except those two new employees wouldn't be up and running for two months, much like Art's situation.

After training all day and editing all night for that week, once I recovered, I started looking for a new job.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Jloreli

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #258 on: March 15, 2014, 09:08:57 AM »
Do they ask that of men too?
Last time I was at the docs they didn't ask me that. I went in with a broken toe - he just asked how I broke it.

They do here! Or at least they are supposed to. Most of our medical facilities do a pre-appointment questionnaire which includes questions about violence in the home. Generally it is asked several ways at different points. I work for a DV prevention program and my DH (D not so dear in this instance) made several "jokes" about not being safe at home during some recent appointments of his own. I had to explain to him how deeply un-helpful it would be to me professionally if someone took him seriously which was not as unlikely as he thought. He also got an earful about how disrespectful it was to genuine victims of DV!

The folks I have found who are the best at asking the "are you safe at home?" questions are at the VA hospitals. I've been asked that when I'm not even the patient! (Someone is cranky when he's sick  ::) ) And it is clear to all the employees that they are responsible to ask if someone is ok if they see something questionable....and to ask it respectfully and discretely. I hope that this is system wide for them....either that or we just have an awesome VA hospital!

ETA You are likely to be asked at the ER if you have any concerns about your home life. Some folks will ask the classic "Are you safe at home?". All of these are supposed to be asked without the partner present. You can imagine what happens when they ask someone (me) who works at the local DV program "are you safe at home?" in front of the husband! :o >:( >:D There was a strongly worded recommendation of some retraining on that procedure....along with an offer to come and provide a staff seminar on DV.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2014, 09:59:08 AM by Jloreli »

Marisol

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #259 on: March 16, 2014, 12:15:19 AM »
When I style my hair I use curlers that I sleep overnight in. Different curlers make different shaped curls and most of them can not be mimicked well by using a hot iron.  For some reason whenever I am fixing my hair for a show (I do community theatre on occasion) there is always someone who wants to help with the curls and starts using an iron on them.  This usually means the curl is wrong or they straighten out an otherwise fine curl which just needed to be wrapped the right way around a finger. I know it isn't a big deal, but they often cause my hair to end up in knots or to loose the curl entirely.  Just don't help! 

Lorelei_Evil

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #260 on: March 16, 2014, 12:24:12 AM »
As a costumer who works with high quality fabric and turns out work that's either professional quality or close to it, all these stories of people forcefully "helping" with laundry, when they obviously don't know how to do it, don't care to know, or have some seriously misguided ideas about how it should be done (Like insisting EVERYTHING be washed in hot water) have me cringing.
I've got garments made of wool, silk, embroidered cotton, brocade, and unique fashion fabrics that the local stores only ever got one shipment of, and will likely never have again. And I've got things that took in excess of 50 hours to make. Anyone who wrecked all of that (in some cases irreplaceable) hard work would be getting off cheap if all I did was bill them for the cost of the fabric, as opposed to billing them for labor costs on top of that.

I don't know what goes through these people's heads- is it some desire to force their will on others, no matter what the other person wants or needs?

As for "helping", I've got one. It concerns my senior Prom in High School.
Now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm just not a "formal gown" type of person. So a traditional prom dress was right out- my parents made me try one on, and it felt more fake and "costumey" on me than anything that's ever come off my sewing machine. Our first day shopping, my mom came at me with such a long list of "You are not's", that I may as well have said "Screw it then, I'm staying home". My mom kept showing me matronly dresses that looked like something she might wear to work. Finally we found a dressy pantsuit that I liked. Even then, she just wanted to foist so many things on me- uncomfortable dress shoes that ended up killing my feet. Accessories that she pretty much picked out. And makeup. Oh gods, that. She insisted I wear it, and would not let me leave the house without it, even though I have serious tomboy tendencies and  don't ever wear the stuff. She told me I looked dumpy without it, and finished off by crying- "It's your prom, I'm exited and I want to help!", she sobbed. Never mind that her "help" pretty much involved pushing out a lot of what I might have wanted, and imposing her own vision on me. In the end, I looked like Cruella DeVille with that facepaint on. In photos it sticks out like a sore thumb, looking completely artificial.

Had my friends and I gotten our way, we might have done something off the wall, memorable, and cool. We were thinking that historical dress from various time periods and places would look awesome. Some of my friends were thinking 18th century Europe, I would have gone with Edo period Japan. Unfortunately the idea died due to a variety of factors- one was that in the late 90's, there were not nearly as many resources for historical garb as there are now, so buying, renting, or making the stuff was a harder proposition. And in my case, my mother singlehandedly killed it. One of her "You are nots" was "You are not leaving the house dressed like some otherworldly...thing".
Funny, I never considered Kimono to be "otherworldly", but anyhow..
So in the end, Prom didn't even end up feeling like my event at all. It was all about how my mom insisted it be. All the more reason she won't be "helping" if I ever have a wedding to plan.

This resonated with me.  I didn't even tell my mother when Prom was.  I knew I wasn't going to be asked, so I couldn't go anyway and I avoided the drama entirely.  Mom was pretty and popular, I'm neither.   ;)  I wasn't then anyway.  I'm a late bloomer.

Amanita

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #261 on: March 16, 2014, 04:28:45 PM »
Fortunately prom at my school didn't require us to have dates. We didn't even have prom king and queen, rejecting it on the basis that it's pretty much nothing more than a glorified popularity contest. So we were pretty progressive. But my mom still pressured me to ask male friends because you know, tradition.

My mom's rationale for her hardline "her way or the highway" stance was "I'm paying for it so what I say goes!". If I could go back in time, and take the know how and skills I've developed with me, I wouldn't even let her pay for it, even if it meant getting an after school job. There were places around town which sold pretty kimono, or I might have been able to make something in the school sewing lab during lunch hours.

Miss March

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #262 on: March 16, 2014, 05:00:43 PM »
When I was a young girl, my father's car was out in sleet overnight. The next day, I thought I would help him by getting his ice scraper and clearing off all his windows. Then I decided to scrape the ice off his car doors and the hood, as well. I thought I was being very helpful.
I assume you heard the way she spoke to me at dinner.
Of course, but how does it help to answer rudeness with rudeness?             --Downton Abbey

PastryGoddess

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #263 on: March 16, 2014, 09:19:04 PM »
When I was a young girl, my father's car was out in sleet overnight. The next day, I thought I would help him by getting his ice scraper and clearing off all his windows. Then I decided to scrape the ice off his car doors and the hood, as well. I thought I was being very helpful.

 ???

Chelsealady

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #264 on: March 16, 2014, 09:41:37 PM »
House next door to us has a tree surrounded by a flower bed with bricks all around it.  Do to the recent rains the bricks on the street side came lose.  The neighbors started to dismantle the bed. Because things happen, they hadn't finished yet.  Across the street neighbor got mad because it wasn't done.  She came over there on Saturday and rebuilt the brick flower bed.  :o

I know the owners of the house are out of town. I can't wait to see what they think of the help they got on it.

cabbagegirl28

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #265 on: March 16, 2014, 10:21:19 PM »
When I was a young girl, my father's car was out in sleet overnight. The next day, I thought I would help him by getting his ice scraper and clearing off all his windows. Then I decided to scrape the ice off his car doors and the hood, as well. I thought I was being very helpful.

 ???

It likely scratched the hood and doors up, though I'm not exactly sure.




Vita brevis, ars longa

Miss March

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #266 on: March 17, 2014, 07:21:03 AM »
Yes. Using an ice scraper on the body of the car scratched it. My poor dad. He was horrified when he came out and saw what I was doing.

Again, I was young and didn't know better. But boy, did I think I was being helpful.
I assume you heard the way she spoke to me at dinner.
Of course, but how does it help to answer rudeness with rudeness?             --Downton Abbey

Coralreef

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #267 on: March 17, 2014, 07:32:44 AM »
Yes. Using an ice scraper on the body of the car scratched it. My poor dad. He was horrified when he came out and saw what I was doing.

Again, I was young and didn't know better. But boy, did I think I was being helpful.

I think a lot of cold climate kids have done this.  I know I did (grew up where snow started early october and finished late may).  I've also stopped a neighbour's kid from going at it. 
"It's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years." - Office coffee cup.

GregariousIntrovert

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #268 on: March 17, 2014, 08:08:18 AM »
I was a "helper" as a little kid too.  On Sunday morning before my mom woke up, I'd get the coupon insert out of the paper and cut out the coupons for her.  Usually cutting right through the barcode and not quite getting the expiration date.

My brother still can't live down the time he "helped" though.  My dad was updating our bathroom, and was close to being done so he just pushed through and stayed up quite late to finish.  The next morning my brother got up, found a piece of sandpaper in the vanity drawer that my dad had not put away yet and proceeded to sand the brand new marble vanity top.  The bathroom was not 5 hours old and already messed up. 

The moral of the story - parents should  just give up sleep entirely.

Lynn2000

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #269 on: March 17, 2014, 04:17:53 PM »
Yipe, once when I was little I got it into my head that my mom's make-up had gotten water in it, and I could help her by pouring the water off.  :o I think it was liquid foundation (flesh-toned) that had just settled a bit, so looking at the bottle you could kind of see two layers. But basically I was pouring her makeup down the drain. ::facepalm::

All I can think now is that maybe I thought *I* had somehow spilled water into the makeup bottle, like by splashing water around, so therefore it was my responsibility to fix it? I have no idea.
~Lynn2000