Author Topic: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)  (Read 64887 times)

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Adelaide

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #540 on: April 22, 2014, 12:54:28 AM »
I know I've griped about this before, but I take a martial arts class that I've been doing for a few years now, and I went to a different place in undergrad. The dojo here has only recently started up with this particular martial art and a lot of other people do karate as well. I've had several men talk to me in rather condescending tones about how people "make weird noises when you hit them" or "You can't be afraid to hurt someone" and other such sentiments. Even after saying "Yes, thank you" or "I know" or "I've done this for a few years, don't worry about it" they still kept trying to talk to me in That Tone. One guy even went as far as to tap my shoulder and knee with his pointer fingers to "point out" spots I should be aiming for. Don't help me; I fight better than you.

On a smaller note, my mother insists that I soak a pan before cleaning any egg residue out of it. Well, I prefer to slough it off in sheets while the pan is still hot so it doesn't get so gross, but EVERY time I cook eggs she reminds me to do it her way.

twiggy

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #541 on: April 22, 2014, 01:26:36 AM »
Last night I was filling the gas tank on my van, and DH decided to be sweet and helpful. So he grabbed the window washer squeegee and went to town on my windows. Unfortunately he never bothered rinsing or even just rewetting the squeegee, so the entire passenger side is basically just streaked mud. And he didn't do a very thorough wiping job, so there are a ton of streaks on the front windshield. I'm trying not to think about it, and not to let it bother me, but it is seriously driving me crazy. At least before he "washed" the windows there was just a light coat of dust. Now it's a mess. But I can't fix it when he's with me because it will hurt his feelings. He really was trying to be helpful. And I can't fix it when the kids are with me because they'll rat me out.  :P

He also tried to "top off" the van after I'd filled it. My van has a quirk where if the tank is too full, it won't go. So it's been driving rough all day with dirty windows as a result of DH's "help."
In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children.  The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted.  The result is unruly children and childish adults.  ~Thomas Szasz

StarDrifter

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #542 on: April 22, 2014, 08:13:29 AM »
Urgh, Twiggy, my brother did that and I almost whacked him in the head with the squeegie.

The worst part is - he's a good 8" taller than me, so he could reach parts of my windscreen that I usually missed (and never see anyway - the bits behind the rearview mirror). However. HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER - our Dad owned and ran a service station until we were teenagers and we've been cleaning windscreens since we could reach.

I just - I still can't really understand why he didn't re-dip the squeegie and left those horrible mud streaks all over my windscreen, as well as a series of scratches (that only catche the light *sometimes* and are REALLY ANNOYING) from where a small stone must have been lodged in the sponge and he dragged it across the glass at least three times.
... it might frighten them.
Victoria,

Luci

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #543 on: April 22, 2014, 08:32:37 AM »
our Dad owned and ran a service station until we were teenagers and we've been cleaning windscreens since we could reach.

I just - I still can't really understand why he didn't re-dip the squeegie and left those horrible mud streaks all over my windscreen, as well as a series of scratches (that only catche the light *sometimes* and are REALLY ANNOYING) from where a small stone must have been lodged in the sponge and he dragged it across the glass at least three times.

You clean windows for customers? Wow! We (most of the US) haven't had that done for years. I guess Washington state and New Jersey might.

I was taught to keep a paper towel in one hand and wipe the squeegie after every swipe. We can't redip it because that's just putting more dirty water on the windshield and defeating the purpose of the squeegie. (A professional cleaner taught me this, but I bet even they all have different methods.)


StarDrifter

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #544 on: April 22, 2014, 08:53:21 AM »
our Dad owned and ran a service station until we were teenagers and we've been cleaning windscreens since we could reach.

I just - I still can't really understand why he didn't re-dip the squeegie and left those horrible mud streaks all over my windscreen, as well as a series of scratches (that only catche the light *sometimes* and are REALLY ANNOYING) from where a small stone must have been lodged in the sponge and he dragged it across the glass at least three times.

You clean windows for customers? Wow! We (most of the US) haven't had that done for years. I guess Washington state and New Jersey might.

I was taught to keep a paper towel in one hand and wipe the squeegie after every swipe. We can't redip it because that's just putting more dirty water on the windshield and defeating the purpose of the squeegie. (A professional cleaner taught me this, but I bet even they all have different methods.)

Oh we DID, back when we were active on the forecourt... fifteen years ago.

The site where Dad's service station WAS is now a liquor store!
... it might frighten them.
Victoria,

siamesecat2965

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #545 on: April 22, 2014, 09:59:28 AM »
our Dad owned and ran a service station until we were teenagers and we've been cleaning windscreens since we could reach.

I just - I still can't really understand why he didn't re-dip the squeegie and left those horrible mud streaks all over my windscreen, as well as a series of scratches (that only catche the light *sometimes* and are REALLY ANNOYING) from where a small stone must have been lodged in the sponge and he dragged it across the glass at least three times.

You clean windows for customers? Wow! We (most of the US) haven't had that done for years. I guess Washington state and New Jersey might.

I was taught to keep a paper towel in one hand and wipe the squeegie after every swipe. We can't redip it because that's just putting more dirty water on the windshield and defeating the purpose of the squeegie. (A professional cleaner taught me this, but I bet even they all have different methods.)

NJ doesn't. Not any more at least at any stations I go to. They used to check your oil, if asked, clean your windows, but now its just in, pump the gas, and let them go.

Shalamar

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #546 on: April 22, 2014, 10:23:11 AM »
Some twenty-odd years ago, my province (Manitoba) made seatbelt use mandatory.    After that had been the law for close to a year, I went to visit my parents in British Columbia.   Every time we got into their car to drive somewhere, Mum chirped brightly "Remember to buckle up!  It's the law here!"  After explaining five times that it was the law where I came from, too, and she didn't have to keep reminding me, I gave up.

TootsNYC

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #547 on: April 22, 2014, 10:27:11 AM »
Not to mention, it's just plain smart.

My MIL likes to warn me that the knives at her house are sharp.

She finally stopped after about the 8th time I said, "They're supposed to be sharp, aren't they? And anyway, yours aren't nearly as sharp as mine, actually."

ladyknight1

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #548 on: April 22, 2014, 10:37:23 AM »
I love my dad. I love that he is so proud of me for being able to make a living in an artistic field that is nearly impossible to break into. But sometimes, he doesn't grasp that my female-oriented, creativity-based field is not the same as the male-dominated, "work until you drop dead of a heart attack or your liver explodes" corporate culture he survived. I get a lot of lectures about proper behavior and professional appearances, but there are some things my job allows - nay things that are EXPECTED - of someone in my position, that would get my Dad fired from SuperScary Corp.

I love him. But I will not wear a power suit with shoulder pads to convention where everybody else is wearing corsets and steampunk goggles.

Only on Halloween!

I work in higher ed and am in an office with very high level individuals. There is one man who wears a suit Monday through Thursday and one woman who does as well. My mom keeps trying to get me to wear suits, but that is just not what our professional culture is. Especially not in the summer.

darling

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #549 on: April 22, 2014, 11:09:02 AM »
Ugh. Toots, my mom says the same thing about the knives...

I am moving later this summer. I am going from an apartment to a town home, and so I need a few appliances that I haven't needed before. The subject came up this weekend at Easter dinner, and I mentioned that I am saving for a washer and dryer, and a small chest freezer. I also mentioned that I had looked at a washer and dryer at a specific store, and was planning on getting XX specific brand top loader for the washer.

Right away, I got a flurry of:

"Oh, don't get a front-loading one!" - Um, I already said top-loading...

"Oh, you need to go to this other store to get them." Just... no. While that chain in your town might be good, the one in our town 2 hours away is not. Why would I buy a major appliance from a store branch that is terrible in my town, just because it's good in yours?

"You can't believe everything people say about that store..." Yes... yes I can. If the majority of the reviews are awful, then something is going on.

"You need to buy the freezer at this grocery-store-that-doesn't-deliver! You can get coupons!!!!" I don't have a truck. How am I going to get the thing home? And it's highly doubtful that there would be coupons for things that I'd want (we don't eat a lot of frozen foods other than frozen veggies and the occasional pizza). Now, if it were a $100 gift card instead of random coupons, then I would figure it out how to get it home, because that would be a good deal.

"Well, I suppose you are 40, so you can deal with this yourself..." (said snippily when I politely tried to reply and get a word in edgewise)

On the subject of the actual moving process (this took place the day I told them I was moving):

"Well, I don't know that we can help you move that day. It's a weekday." I didn't ask for help! I don't even know what day I will be moving. I just told you that I was moving in 5 months, that it would probably be x day but did not ask for help.

30 seconds later - "Okay, your Dad said we can close up shop that day and come and help." I didn't ask for help!!!!

"Are you sure you can't ask to wait until the weekend to move???" No, I can't. I told you that I *think* it might be x day, but I don't know for sure, and won't until probably June. All I know is that because I am a transfer, not a new renter, I move when they tell me to move, because it's all coordinated very carefully so that I won't be homeless for a night.

"Did you reserve a truck yet?" No, I don't know what specific day and time I need it!!!! You can't make a reservation without those pesky little details...

"You should buy a new bed while you're at it." Seriously??? Where did that come from?

I give up...

Luci

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #550 on: April 22, 2014, 11:24:12 AM »
My in-laws insisted on giving free advice. (My parents weren't like that.)  It just took a couple of years of a non committal "u-huh" and completely ignoring them about the subject and going our own way for them to keep quiet. Life was much better after that.

We just acknowledged that something was said so weren't completely rude but never explained our reasoning. That could have gotten fierce and resented. As it is, I don't really remember any certain incident.

lilfox

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #551 on: April 22, 2014, 03:18:28 PM »
My in-laws insisted on giving free advice. (My parents weren't like that.)  It just took a couple of years of a non committal "u-huh" and completely ignoring them about the subject and going our own way for them to keep quiet. Life was much better after that.

We just acknowledged that something was said so weren't completely rude but never explained our reasoning. That could have gotten fierce and resented. As it is, I don't really remember any certain incident.

I'm so hoping this works for me too, eventually.  It feels like my choices are to either get really upset about the criticisms embedded in the advice, or just say "Mm-hmm" and do things my way anyway.  Hard to keep Zen about it sometimes, but boy does it feel less stressful to disengage and tell myself I'm doing my own thing regardless.

I had an upcoming cross-country move from State A to State B, and my mom decided to help by driving with me.  Except, she approached it like I should have immediately asked for her help and when I didn't, got very PA about how I couldn't do it alone but she wouldn't go with me unless I asked.  And paid for her to fly out (from State C) to join me.  And thanked her for being willing to help me.  It turned out to be a fine road trip, but man, it would have been a much clearer, more pleasant version of helping if she'd just said up front, "That sounds like a long trip, I'd be happy to go with you, would you like company?"

VorFemme

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #552 on: April 22, 2014, 05:54:11 PM »
We have lived in ten different places during our not-quite-35-year marriage (moving in the military will do that). 

Depending on the size of the closet(s) in the house and the space available for dressers - how various clothing and other items were handled varied.

Dress shirts have always been hung up after I wash & dry them.  Out of season clothes may be stored in the same closet, if there is space or folded away elsewhere if there is no space to spare.  If there is enough closet rod space, so are most other shirts except for underwear - which is going in a drawer.  People arguing with me about how I fold their underwear will find it on the foot of their bed (menopause means you no longer have the patience to deal with some trivial matters - now I let the person who thinks it makes a difference make the effort, in most cases).

Towels & linens?  When we got married we owned one set of each - it was either on the bed or being washed & dried, same with the towels.  As we moved to a house with a linen closet & accumulated more stuff, folding changed to make it easier to fit things in THAT shelf while still being able to see what was in the shelf.

I still prefer ONE central linen closet to a linen closet on a different story from half the bathrooms...but that's ME.  I made space in the cabinet over the toilet for a spare set of towels...and that's where the spare toiletries & other supplies for that bathroom go as well.

Your mileage may vary - as your storage facilities almost certain are different!

I do have to be careful when helping DD with her stuff - as she has things folded & stored differently due to her house having a lot smaller cabinets in the kitchen & bathrooms, and a smaller linen closet, too.
« Last Edit: April 22, 2014, 05:55:53 PM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

GratefulMaria

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #553 on: April 22, 2014, 07:44:50 PM »
Some of these posts are reminding me of things I've apparently tried very hard to forget.

When we built our house ten years ago, there was a gap between the closing on our old place and when the new one would be ready for occupancy.  I'd wanted to just take a short-term rental and deal with it, but my parents (my father especially) wanted us to stay with them.  Two months.  Single-story ranch, two senior citizens, two adults, two kids 11 and 14.  DH was worried about the money and went along with it.  I had spelled everything out to my parents ("are you sure?"), and even though construction was on schedule they kept asking when it would be done.  Really wish I'd had my spine back then; it was a terrible time.

I learned a lot about my boundaries and what I valued in those weeks.

jane7166

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Re: Stop helping me! (Share your stories)
« Reply #554 on: April 23, 2014, 09:39:16 AM »
A friend just came back to the gym after a 2 week absence - her son had gotten married and she had been busy with all of that. In the locker room, I kidded her about being a brand new MIL and asked her how she was doing at that new role. 

Another friend overheard and gave this helpful advice:  keep your mouth shut. 

That exchange seems appropriate for this thread somehow.