We're so going to E-Hell... (3 new questions on post 15)

[TurtleDove]

Well, my immediate thought about that is that if a guest isn't close enough to the HC to know their tastes and what they want/like, why are they invited to the wedding in the first place?

Oh, I totally don't agree with that!

I love my nephew dearly, I expect to have a life-long relationship with him. But I'd never met his fiancé, and since he lives half a country away, how would I know what color their first bathroom will be, or whether they like European florals on their china or modern graphics?

Ditto the shower I'm going to this weekend. I know many things about them, but I would -never- have guessed that she would register for very sleek, modern square plates in apple and plum! That was actually one of the fun things about the registry.

True. I can only speak for my own experience though, and I personally would not be going to the wedding of someone I wasn't close enough to to know their tastes.

This confuses me because their tastes would be reflected in......their registry!!!! Why engage in guesswork when you don't have to? Why get something that is "close but not quite" instead of "it's exactly what we wanted!!!"  I know a lot of things about my friends and family, including that none of them *need* anything and none of them are gimme pigs.  I also know that they have particular tastes, and that I would want to get them what they want, not what I think they should want.

[perpetua]

Well, my immediate thought about that is that if a guest isn't close enough to the HC to know their tastes and what they want/like, why are they invited to the wedding in the first place?

Oh, I totally don't agree with that!

I love my nephew dearly, I expect to have a life-long relationship with him. But I'd never met his fiancé, and since he lives half a country away, how would I know what color their first bathroom will be, or whether they like European florals on their china or modern graphics?

Ditto the shower I'm going to this weekend. I know many things about them, but I would -never- have guessed that she would register for very sleek, modern square plates in apple and plum! That was actually one of the fun things about the registry.

True. I can only speak for my own experience though, and I personally would not be going to the wedding of someone I wasn't close enough to to know their tastes.

This confuses me because their tastes would be reflected in......their registry!!!! Why engage in guesswork when you don't have to? Why get something that is "close but not quite" instead of "it's exactly what we wanted!!!"  I know a lot of things about my friends and family, including that none of them *need* anything and none of them are gimme pigs.  I also know that they have particular tastes, and that I would want to get them what they want, not what I think they should want.

But where's the experience of giving/receiving a gift if you tell someone *exactly* what you want and they buy it for you? You may as well just ask for the money and/or say "I want £100 to buy X item", which, thinking about it, I think is why I find it distasteful.

[gellchom]

I personally would not be going to the wedding of someone I wasn't close enough to to know their tastes.

Maybe not yet!  But if you're like most of us, when you reach the age that most of the weddings you are going to are not those of your peers, but of your friends' children or relatives in a younger generation, you won't usually know.  With very few exceptions, I have no idea what my friends' children's and grandchildren's needs and favorite colors or styles are, much less their fiances'.  The next wedding I am attending is of a childhood friend of my son's.  I've known him for many years -- but I've barely met his fiancee and don't know what she prefers.  As Toots suggests, that's when I am much more likely to choose a gift from their registry and certainly to consult it to get an idea of their needs and tastes.

To my mind there's a difference between getting something not on the list at all (like theatre tickets, or a painting, or a china duck), and getting them the thing they registered for, but different.

If I register for blue towels, I still might love a china duck. But it would be weird to buy me pink towels.

I mostly agree with this -- certainly about the pink towels when I know you need blue, let alone a place setting of a different pattern of china or flatware.
But if you registered a $25 glass pitcher at Target, I bet you'd still like to receive a $300 one from Tiffany.
For most things, you can always use more than one anyway.  Even when it seems like you have more than enough, most people's entertaining and cooking needs grow as they advance in generations, and things do break and wear out over the years, so it's nice to have more than just enough for what you need your first year of marriage.

[TurtleDove]

But where's the experience of giving/receiving a gift if you tell someone *exactly* what you want and they buy it for you? You may as well just ask for the money and/or say "I want £100 to buy X item", which, thinking about it, I think is why I find it distasteful.

For me, gifts of tangible items that I have no use for are more of a burden than a blessing.  I don't need anything, though I might want certain specific things.  Most/all of my friends and family who are getting married and having babies (or whatever other gift giving event) are the same way.  We don't need anything.  We aren't expecting people to make it possible to take a honeymoon or furnish our homes.  We are financially stable.  We are not gimme pigs.  This is why I am a fan of experience gifts. This would be memorable for me.  This would make me think fondly of someone every time I thought about the experience.  A platter or extra toaster or towels I don't like that I immediately put in storage I am not likely to think of ever again.

[TootsNYC]

Well, my immediate thought about that is that if a guest isn't close enough to the HC to know their tastes and what they want/like, why are they invited to the wedding in the first place?

Oh, I totally don't agree with that!

I love my nephew dearly, I expect to have a life-long relationship with him. But I'd never met his fiancé, and since he lives half a country away, how would I know what color their first bathroom will be, or whether they like European florals on their china or modern graphics?

Ditto the shower I'm going to this weekend. I know many things about them, but I would -never- have guessed that she would register for very sleek, modern square plates in apple and plum! That was actually one of the fun things about the registry.

True. I can only speak for my own experience though, and I personally would not be going to the wedding of someone I wasn't close enough to to know their tastes.

I hope all the people you care about live really close to you, then. My favorite-estest cousin in the entire world lives in Mpls; I'm in NYC. How would I know what he likes?

[TootsNYC]

But where's the experience of giving/receiving a gift if you tell someone *exactly* what you want and they buy it for you? You may as well just ask for the money and/or say "I want £100 to buy X item", which, thinking about it, I think is why I find it distasteful.

For me, gifts of tangible items that I have no use for are more of a burden than a blessing.  I don't need anything, though I might want certain specific things.  Most/all of my friends and family who are getting married and having babies (or whatever other gift giving event) are the same way.  We don't need anything.  We aren't expecting people to make it possible to take a honeymoon or furnish our homes.  We are financially stable.  We are not gimme pigs.  This is why I am a fan of experience gifts. This would be memorable for me.  This would make me think fondly of someone every time I thought about the experience.  A platter or extra toaster or towels I don't like that I immediately put in storage I am not likely to think of ever again.

But that's my risk to run.

You aren't entitled to receive something you will use. You're the giver--you don't actually get any role in picking out the present. Your role is completely, completely passive.

Honestly, if I buy you something from your registry, that you picked out, and you receive it along with lots of other things you picked out, will you remember who gave it to you?

And if you give it away bcs you won't use it, well, that's completely your role.

[Lynn2000]

Well, my immediate thought about that is that if a guest isn't close enough to the HC to know their tastes and what they want/like, why are they invited to the wedding in the first place?

I do think it varies by social circle. If one of my cousins invited me to their wedding, it would be difficult for me to pick out a good gift for them with no help (like a registry), because I simply don't know them well enough. But we have this genetic, societal relationship that expects me to attend the wedding if at all possible; and even if I wasn't able to attend, I'd send a gift anyway. There would be negative familial consequences to me not attending. And probably to them not inviting me!

There could also be situations with a couple, Bob and Betty, where the person getting married is connected to Betty, but in their relationship Bob is the one who picks out gifts for people, with Betty being no help at all. Could be Bob's never even met the person, but it's Betty's cousin or old college roommate or whatever, so both Bob and Betty are attending the wedding, and it's Bob's task to pick out the gift.

Also, even with my personal friends that I know better, I don't always know them in a "wedding gift way." Like, I could pick out some good novels or DVDs for my friend, but I have no idea what sort of towels or kitchen appliances she would like, let alone what her fiance would be interested in. Or maybe I could rule out a few extremes, which still leaves me with half a dozen possible choices.

But where's the experience of giving/receiving a gift if you tell someone *exactly* what you want and they buy it for you? You may as well just ask for the money and/or say "I want £100 to buy X item", which, thinking about it, I think is why I find it distasteful.

Well, personally I think it's fun to look at a registry, and pick out something the person wants that also coincides with what *I* like, or that makes a connection between us. For example, one person I had worked at a lab with and we used scalpels a lot, so I bought the knife set she'd registered for, and made a comment in the card about the scalpels. I dislike the color brown, think it's boring, so if someone registers for brown towels I'm going to skip over that and keep looking, until I see that they've also registered for a cotton candy maker. SCORE! I love cotton candy. So I will buy that for them, and for a brief instant pretend I am buying it for myself. But it's on their registry, so that means they want it (allegedly).

Sometimes Amy allows herself to deviate from a registry in a limited way. For one wedding where we went in on the gift together, we bought the HC the muffin/cupcake pans they'd registered for, and then threw in a container of fun cupcake papers and a cupcake recipe book. The extra things were small enough that they could easily get rid of them (probably) if they wanted, and it made a "theme" package that we had fun putting together. And the main part of the gift was something they'd registered for.

[TurtleDove]

But where's the experience of giving/receiving a gift if you tell someone *exactly* what you want and they buy it for you? You may as well just ask for the money and/or say "I want £100 to buy X item", which, thinking about it, I think is why I find it distasteful.

For me, gifts of tangible items that I have no use for are more of a burden than a blessing.  I don't need anything, though I might want certain specific things.  Most/all of my friends and family who are getting married and having babies (or whatever other gift giving event) are the same way.  We don't need anything.  We aren't expecting people to make it possible to take a honeymoon or furnish our homes.  We are financially stable.  We are not gimme pigs.  This is why I am a fan of experience gifts. This would be memorable for me.  This would make me think fondly of someone every time I thought about the experience.  A platter or extra toaster or towels I don't like that I immediately put in storage I am not likely to think of ever again.

But that's my risk to run.

You aren't entitled to receive something you will use. You're the giver--you don't actually get any role in picking out the present. Your role is completely, completely passive.

Honestly, if I buy you something from your registry, that you picked out, and you receive it along with lots of other things you picked out, will you remember who gave it to you?

And if you give it away bcs you won't use it, well, that's completely your role.

I agree with the bolded absolutely!  My comments are always about the givers being offended that the recipients might not want or use what they have given them and are therefore entitled SS.  If the givers are perfectly fine that the recipients gave away their gift, great!

And yes, I remember who gave me the check with "for a zipline adventure" in the memo line.  Yes, I remember who gave me a gift certificate to use toward concert tickets. 

[gellchom]

For me, gifts of tangible items that I have no use for are more of a burden than a blessing.  I don't need anything, though I might want certain specific things.  Most/all of my friends and family who are getting married and having babies (or whatever other gift giving event) are the same way.

Turtledove, I don 't get it -- are you saying that you and your friends don't want gifts other than those "certain specific things" that you pick out yourselves, to the point of considering them a "burden"?  (Or, I guess "experience gifts" -- or do those also have to be experiences that you chose yourselves?)  I'm not saying that you all wouldn't appreciate the thought and generosity behind other gifts or that you would think poorly of the givers -- I know you are not saying that, just like I am not saying that it is rude or offensive not to like or keep a gift that misses the mark.  But do you really consider gifts you don't select yourself a "burden"?  If so, do you feel that everyone should just give each other cash?

[TurtleDove]

For me, gifts of tangible items that I have no use for are more of a burden than a blessing.  I don't need anything, though I might want certain specific things.  Most/all of my friends and family who are getting married and having babies (or whatever other gift giving event) are the same way.

Turtledove, I don 't get it -- are you saying that you and your friends don't want gifts other than those "certain specific things" that you pick out yourselves, to the point of considering them a "burden"?  (Or, I guess "experience gifts" -- or do those also have to be experiences that you chose yourselves?)  I'm not saying that you all wouldn't appreciate the thought and generosity behind other gifts or that you would think poorly of the givers -- I know you are not saying that, just like I am not saying that it is rude or offensive not to like or keep a gift that misses the mark.  But do you really consider gifts you don't select yourself a "burden"?  If so, do you feel that everyone should just give each other cash?

If I like what you gave me that you picked out, no burden.  If I don't, then yes, I would feel bad because you would have wasted your time, money and energy on something I wouldn't use and instead have to find a way to store or dispose of.  If you would have asked me what I wanted, and gotten me that, we would both have won, in my opinion.

For babies, I give from the registry.  For weddings, I tend to give cash earmarked for experience gifts.  Because that is what my friends would want. 

[gellchom]

For me, gifts of tangible items that I have no use for are more of a burden than a blessing.  I don't need anything, though I might want certain specific things.  Most/all of my friends and family who are getting married and having babies (or whatever other gift giving event) are the same way.

Turtledove, I don 't get it -- are you saying that you and your friends don't want gifts other than those "certain specific things" that you pick out yourselves, to the point of considering them a "burden"?  (Or, I guess "experience gifts" -- or do those also have to be experiences that you chose yourselves?)  I'm not saying that you all wouldn't appreciate the thought and generosity behind other gifts or that you would think poorly of the givers -- I know you are not saying that, just like I am not saying that it is rude or offensive not to like or keep a gift that misses the mark.  But do you really consider gifts you don't select yourself a "burden"?  If so, do you feel that everyone should just give each other cash?

If I like what you gave me that you picked out, no burden.  If I don't, then yes, I would feel bad because you would have wasted your time, money and energy on something I wouldn't use and instead have to find a way to store or dispose of.  If you would have asked me what I wanted, and gotten me that, we would both have won, in my opinion.

For babies, I give from the registry.  For weddings, I tend to give cash earmarked for experience gifts.  Because that is what my friends would want.

Okay, good!  Glad to hear it. 
I was kind of confused by your statement that

My comments are always about the givers being offended that the recipients might not want or use what they have given them and are therefore entitled SS.  If the givers are perfectly fine that the recipients gave away their gift, great!

Because I honestly don't see where in any of the posts in this string anyone said that they would be "offended that the recipients might not want or use what they have given them and are therefore entitled SS."  People said that they didn't want to be accused of being selfish or bossy if they chose gifts that the recipients didn't ask for, but not that the recipients are wrong in any way if they didn't want or use the items; indeed, I think that every one of the posters would agree that they are "perfectly fine [if] the recipients gave away their gift."  I think that it was kind of a leap to assume offense.

[TurtleDove]

People said that they didn't want to be accused of being selfish or bossy if they chose gifts that the recipients didn't ask for, but not that the recipients are wrong in any way if they didn't want or use the items; indeed, I think that every one of the posters would agree that they are "perfectly fine [if] the recipients gave away their gift." 

Hah!  So we were talking past each other because I didn't see anyone ever say the bolded either (accusing people who give off-registry of being selfish or bossy)! The only problem I had was with people who labeled people who didn't want their "rogue" gifts as entitled SS.

It seems we agree - not rude to give a "rogue" off-registry gift; not rude to not want a "rogue" off-registry gift. 

[VorFemme]

My sister got married for the first time 34 years ago...my parents gave her "our" old bed.  My stand-by plane was full - I didn't get to go (not enough vacation for a drive there & back - not enough money for a full price ticket at 1980s prices).

I got a large box & filled it - new pillows (they gave her OUR old bed and the pillows we'd been sleeping on for YEARS - very flat pillows), a bath mat, two frames with photos that were already matted, towels, hot pads & placemats for her kitchen, and a lot of other small things...but things that you need when setting up house together after living in a college dorm and things that they would use or see every day.

She had some of the decorative odds & ends after she got rid of the first husband....

[TootsNYC]

If I like what you gave me that you picked out, no burden.  If I don't, then yes, I would feel bad because you would have wasted your time, money and energy on something I wouldn't use and instead have to find a way to store or dispose of.  If you would have asked me what I wanted, and gotten me that, we would both have won, in my opinion.

I think you are reaching beyond yourself here. It's not your responsibility (and not, actually, your right) to worry about whether the gift giver has wasted their money.

That was their prerogative. They are grownups, and if it was important to them to NOT waste their money, they would have gone to your registry and purchased something you suggested.

If they didn't, it's because they didn't -want- to. And for you to take on too big a burden of feeling bad, or for you to think they've done the wrong thing, is for -you- to think you know better than them what their values are.

What your guests choose to give you is not actually your responsibility. Not before, and not after.
You just need to appreciate the effort they went to in giving you the gift.

Believe me, I get it about the "burden" part--I too have often had too-large guilt pangs about gifts that turned out to not be successful.

So I've come to this point of view from a place very similar to what you are describing.

[TootsNYC]

People said that they didn't want to be accused of being selfish or bossy if they chose gifts that the recipients didn't ask for, but not that the recipients are wrong in any way if they didn't want or use the items; indeed, I think that every one of the posters would agree that they are "perfectly fine [if] the recipients gave away their gift." 

Hah!  So we were talking past each other because I didn't see anyone ever say the bolded either (accusing people who give off-registry of being selfish or bossy)! The only problem I had was with people who labeled people who didn't want their "rogue" gifts as entitled SS.

It seems we agree - not rude to give a "rogue" off-registry gift; not rude to not want a "rogue" off-registry gift. 

Well, "thinking you know better than them" (a phrase used upstream by someone, I'm too lazy to worry about who, bcs it doesn't matter to me) is another phrase for "bossy."