We're so going to E-Hell... (3 new questions on post 15)

[gellchom]

I think probably she meant just keeping the list as a memento rather than throwing it away when you finish writing your thank yous, not putting it on fancy paper or framing it or anything. 

Sometimes wedding and baby books have a few pages in back for recording gifts, but that's the closest I've ever seen to it being a "thing."

[Hmmmmm]

But where's the experience of giving/receiving a gift if you tell someone *exactly* what you want and they buy it for you? You may as well just ask for the money and/or say "I want £100 to buy X item", which, thinking about it, I think is why I find it distasteful.

For me, gifts of tangible items that I have no use for are more of a burden than a blessing.  I don't need anything, though I might want certain specific things.  Most/all of my friends and family who are getting married and having babies (or whatever other gift giving event) are the same way.  We don't need anything.  We aren't expecting people to make it possible to take a honeymoon or furnish our homes.  We are financially stable.  We are not gimme pigs.  This is why I am a fan of experience gifts. This would be memorable for me.  This would make me think fondly of someone every time I thought about the experience.  A platter or extra toaster or towels I don't like that I immediately put in storage I am not likely to think of ever again.

But that's my risk to run.

You aren't entitled to receive something you will use. You're the giver--you don't actually get any role in picking out the present. Your role is completely, completely passive.

Honestly, if I buy you something from your registry, that you picked out, and you receive it along with lots of other things you picked out, will you remember who gave it to you?

And if you give it away bcs you won't use it, well, that's completely your role.

I'm confused.  Don't people keep a keepsake-list of wedding gifts anymore?

For me it was 34 years ago and we got many nice gifts, both from the registry and not.  We very much appreciated all of them.  And even though the china gravy boat (as an example) was on the registry, I still knew who gave it.

I see registries as a suggestion - nothing more.

A keepsake list? I have a spreadsheet I used so I could make sure I got all the TY cards out, but nothing I'd call a "keepsake".

I was married in '93. It was very common to have a wedding memory book given to the bride. It was used to have guests sign in at parties (engagement, showers, bridal luncheon) and I could record all wedding gifts. It was also used as the wedding guest registry at the wedding ceremony/reception.  We could also attach copies of all invitations and add photos. It's sort of like a wedding scrapbook. I still have mine. My sister has my mothers when she was married in the early '50s.

[kareng57]

But where's the experience of giving/receiving a gift if you tell someone *exactly* what you want and they buy it for you? You may as well just ask for the money and/or say "I want £100 to buy X item", which, thinking about it, I think is why I find it distasteful.

For me, gifts of tangible items that I have no use for are more of a burden than a blessing.  I don't need anything, though I might want certain specific things.  Most/all of my friends and family who are getting married and having babies (or whatever other gift giving event) are the same way.  We don't need anything.  We aren't expecting people to make it possible to take a honeymoon or furnish our homes.  We are financially stable.  We are not gimme pigs.  This is why I am a fan of experience gifts. This would be memorable for me.  This would make me think fondly of someone every time I thought about the experience.  A platter or extra toaster or towels I don't like that I immediately put in storage I am not likely to think of ever again.

But that's my risk to run.

You aren't entitled to receive something you will use. You're the giver--you don't actually get any role in picking out the present. Your role is completely, completely passive.

Honestly, if I buy you something from your registry, that you picked out, and you receive it along with lots of other things you picked out, will you remember who gave it to you?

And if you give it away bcs you won't use it, well, that's completely your role.

I'm confused.  Don't people keep a keepsake-list of wedding gifts anymore?

For me it was 34 years ago and we got many nice gifts, both from the registry and not.  We very much appreciated all of them.  And even though the china gravy boat (as an example) was on the registry, I still knew who gave it.

I see registries as a suggestion - nothing more.

A keepsake list? I have a spreadsheet I used so I could make sure I got all the TY cards out, but nothing I'd call a "keepsake".

Yeah kareng57, is that a "list of keepsakes" or is the list itself a keepsake, like put on fancy paper and framed or something?  If it's the latter, I don't think I've heard of it, but that may just be me.

It was part of our "wedding book" (not photo album but separate book) - they used to be pretty common.  There were spaces for the B&G's family trees, the guest sign-in list, and the list of gifts.

I guess perhaps no one uses them anymore; I was just a bit surprised about the assertion that using the registry meant that there'd be no record of who gave what.

[Harriet Jones]

I've never heard of a wedding book, but I'm not a scrapbook kind of person and I doubt I would have kept one.  We did have a guest book.

While we got a lot of nice things as wedding gifts, we didn't really get a lot of "heirloom" type gifts (didn't register for china/crystal/silver).  I'm not sure how sentimental I'd be about towels that had been washed to tatters decades before.

[TootsNYC]

There's something that just rubs me the wrong way when people start telling me what they want as a gift.  I don't like it and I don't do it.

I totally get that. I have somewhat the same reaction.

And so I don't go -look- at the registry at all.
Or, I might go look and see if there is anything I can spring off from.

[kareng57]

I think there is sometimes a conflict over gift expectations, as camlan says, and it can be hard to see when you (general) have tipped over the line--you're so excited about getting specific things, or being able to take a trip you couldn't afford on your own, or something like that, and then someone goes and gives you something that does not fit with this plan. We're only human, it can be hard to take a step back and realize, "No, I should be grateful for this gift, no matter what it is." (I do think there are mean-spirited, dismissive gifts that one does not need to be grateful for, but I don't think that's the case here.)

For example, my friend Amy put things on her wedding registry and baby shower registry, and she wanted those things, not something similar, not a cheaper version, not a different color. She's pragmatic and decisive, she researched everything before deciding on it, and she truly didn't understand why someone would get her something different. She wanted sage green towels in brand X, someone gave her chocolate brown towels in brand Y. Why? Obviously they didn't realize that the color, brand, and store were selected very carefully, and that she will immediately take the brown towels back to the store without even unfolding them. I think I accompanied her on at least 3 trips to return things to stores, before the wedding even took place. And returning something to a store is not always the fastest or most pleasant experience, and you start thinking more about the time and inconvenience and gas, and "Why couldn't they have just given me something from my list?! Was that really so hard?!"

But of course, once you get too far down that path, I think you're in danger of becoming rude. I suppose if you always keep it to yourself, or at least don't let the giver know, you're functionally still good. But if it bleeds out into how you think about the person--"I really wanted X, why couldn't they just do that?"--that can be bad.

The bolded is something I cannot stand.
You throw the party / wedding that _you_ (general) can afford and you (general) take the honeymoon that _you_ (general) can afford.

I don't want to see a cash bar and a honeymoon registry because you (general) have decided that you (general) want to have a party or go on a holiday that you need me to subsidise.

I'm quite generous when it comes to wedding gifts.  I don't mind parting with a bit of cash for a HC, but once they start telling me to give them this or that, it's the quickest way to make me tighten my purse strings.

I've never understood this line of reasoning. If a couple registers for china and linens and  a bunch of appliances they couldn't otherwise afford on their own, that's okay? But if they prefer the experience of traveling together to a toaster, thats not ok?

No, that's not ok either, from my personal viewpoint.

I don't like gift registries of any kind.  I cannot get on board with them.  I think they are rude.

When I'm faced with one I tend to buy something from there but I do think the person a bit rude.

I know there are pro-registry people and anti-registry people out there and I can happily agree to disagree about the whole issue.  I just happen to be one of the people in the anti-registry camp.

No hard feelings to anybody in the other camp 

ETA: I removed a bit, because it's not probably true of my feelings.  Also to add that my standard wedding gift these days (for those who do not have registries) is cash and so far I've had no complaints  .

Cash is always fine, of course, and can be the best bet if the giver is unsure of the HC's preferences.

However, I politely differ with a PP's assertion that anyone close enough to the HC to be invited to the wedding will already know their preferences.  Maybe, maybe not.  They might have been living in bare-bones student housing previously, and will be relocating to a new, much larger place after the wedding.  Or, the bride might have a dear great-aunt who has corresponded with her regularly, but has not visited her since she moved out of her parents' home eight years earlier.  In either case, the guest likely won't have any idea of the new preferences.

Again, guests are free to not use the registry but one of its purposes is to help avoid duplications or "too many".  For example, I know brides today seldom register for china, but years ago it was pretty common.  And a mainstream, fairly affordable line like Royal Albert used to cost about $50 a place-setting on sale so it was quite a  common gift for guests who like to give china.  But say the HC registered for eight settings (they wouldn't be able to seat any more at their table) - this would help prevent them receiving ten settings, and either returning the extra two, or storing them somewhere indefinitely.  Even today, maybe they enjoy coffee/lattes and someone learns that they'd like a Tassimo.  If they haven't registered, they could end up with a half-dozen of them.

[menley]

Yes, my sister and her husband had a registry, but her husband's relatives were convinced that they wanted George Foreman grills (not on the registry - they owned an actual grill and were known for their grilling parties!). They received 9 of them, all without receipts. By the time they opened the 9th, they were certainly not thinking of the kindness of the gift givers but the annoyance, and I don't blame them. They wrote lovely thank you notes, but each and every grill was sold on craigslist for around $5. I honestly think they would have preferred to receive nothing at all than to have to deal with photographing, typing up a listing on CL, responding to messages and meeting with buyers.

[TootsNYC]

Those things are not the fault of the givers.

Yes, it's unfortunate, but to be annoyed at the -people-? And to think that the people who gave those gifts should have known about this and just given nothing?

[perpetua]

Yes, my sister and her husband had a registry, but her husband's relatives were convinced that they wanted George Foreman grills (not on the registry - they owned an actual grill and were known for their grilling parties!). They received 9 of them, all without receipts. By the time they opened the 9th, they were certainly not thinking of the kindness of the gift givers but the annoyance, and I don't blame them. They wrote lovely thank you notes, but each and every grill was sold on craigslist for around $5. I honestly think they would have preferred to receive nothing at all than to have to deal with photographing, typing up a listing on CL, responding to messages and meeting with buyers.

If they were that bothered, why didn't they give them away to a charity shop or someone who would like them? Why did they feel it was necessary to get money out of peoples' gifts to them? This is my whole point.

[menley]

Yes, my sister and her husband had a registry, but her husband's relatives were convinced that they wanted George Foreman grills (not on the registry - they owned an actual grill and were known for their grilling parties!). They received 9 of them, all without receipts. By the time they opened the 9th, they were certainly not thinking of the kindness of the gift givers but the annoyance, and I don't blame them. They wrote lovely thank you notes, but each and every grill was sold on craigslist for around $5. I honestly think they would have preferred to receive nothing at all than to have to deal with photographing, typing up a listing on CL, responding to messages and meeting with buyers.

If they were that bothered, why didn't they give them away to a charity shop or someone who would like them? Why did they feel it was necessary to get money out of peoples' gifts to them? This is my whole point.

I guess I just don't see the problem with getting money for something if someone is willing to pay you for it. Yeah, if it were me personally, I would've thrown them all in a bag and dropped it off at the local Goodwill, because to me it wouldn't be worth my time to try to sell them. My sister felt differently, but I don't see anything wrong with what she did.

And yes, of course it's not the problem of the gift givers - but if their intent was, as you both seem to say, to build a relationship in their gift-giving, they failed miserably. Instead of thinking of what they would truly want, they got what was easy for them to get (we were later told that the reason all 9 of them bought George Foreman grills is that there was a super sale at Wal-Mart and it was a buy-one, get one free deal. They all wanted one for themselves, so they got the "free" one and gave it to my sister.)

[Specky]

Menley wrote:   Instead of thinking of what they would truly want, they got what was easy for them to get (we were later told that the reason all 9 of them bought George Foreman grills is that there was a super sale at Wal-Mart and it was a buy-one, get one free deal. They all wanted one for themselves, so they got the "free" one and gave it to my sister.)

Well, now...  A lot of thought went into that gifting, eh?

[Harriet Jones]

They could have gotten store credit by returning them to Walmart, even without a receipt.

[Lynn2000]

Yes, my sister and her husband had a registry, but her husband's relatives were convinced that they wanted George Foreman grills (not on the registry - they owned an actual grill and were known for their grilling parties!). They received 9 of them, all without receipts. By the time they opened the 9th, they were certainly not thinking of the kindness of the gift givers but the annoyance, and I don't blame them. They wrote lovely thank you notes, but each and every grill was sold on craigslist for around $5. I honestly think they would have preferred to receive nothing at all than to have to deal with photographing, typing up a listing on CL, responding to messages and meeting with buyers.

After 9 identical gifts, it's almost funny, in a way. I do think it would have been rude if the givers knew they were all giving the same thing, in time to do something about it, and instead just shrugged and said "whatever." Because while someone might find an extra set of towels or even an extra place setting useful, no one needs 9 George Foreman grills. It kind of boggles my mind that they didn't know, yet all had the same idea, with no evidence for it.

Though, my mom got four fondue sets for her wedding. This was the early '70's and they were very popular. I don't think she wanted any of them.

[TootsNYC]

... By the time they opened the 9th, they were certainly not thinking of the kindness of the gift givers but the annoyance, and I don't blame them. ... each and every grill was sold on craigslist for around $5. I honestly think they would have preferred to receive nothing at all than to have to deal with photographing, typing up a listing on CL, responding to messages and meeting with buyers.

If they were that bothered, why didn't they give them away to a charity shop or someone who would like them? Why did they feel it was necessary to get money out of peoples' gifts to them? This is my whole point.

I guess I just don't see the problem with getting money for something if someone is willing to pay you for it. Yeah, if it were me personally, I would've thrown them all in a bag and dropped it off at the local Goodwill, because to me it wouldn't be worth my time to try to sell them. My sister felt differently, but I don't see anything wrong with
what she did.

I don't see anything wrong with it either--except that going to that much trouble just make them resent the gift givers all the more!

THAT is the part that bothers me. If it's that much trouble, give them away and take the tax deduction.