Author Topic: everyone at work is invited, except for me - but I'm expected to give a gift....  (Read 10781 times)

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TootsNYC

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I'd be really REALLY honest if it comes up again.

I think I'd just say: 

"You know.  It really hurts my feelings to know that I am the only one not invited to this party.  I have no idea why (you) told her not to invite me.  I can't even begin to imagine why you did that! 

Please if this situation ever comes up again, let ME decide whether or not to accept or decline rather than speaking for me."

"Or at the very least, shut up about it afterward. She asked you in confidence, and if you thought that was the best advice, nobody should be going around announcing it afterward!"

I've been in situations in which asking advice from someone else about whether to invite someone was a useful tool. But they didn't then go telling people I'd asked them!!

but no, I wouldn't try to "fix" these people; not directly. I wouldn't want to get that invested in them.

ClaireC79

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Don't give a gift

No if they ask again you can say 'well I would have, but I was told not to'

TootsNYC

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no, no, -they- told her to give a gift. Because, you know, only THEY get to tell people what the Etiquette Rules are.

"Well, I would have, but I wasn't invited to the party. They're connected, remember? If people don't like you well enough to invite you to their parties, you don't make them uncomfortable by giving them a gift."

Runningstar

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I have a question here.  When the "of course you will give a gift" thing came up, did they mean that it was just in their opinion that you would? Or that they had told GCW that of course you would? (Or even, was it GCW that assumed first that you would be giving a gift?)

The reason I ask is that, of course you are not obligated to give a gift for a party you aren't invited to.  But that's in the abstract and pertains to the other co-workers.  But if GCW is thinking that you'll give a gift, and maybe somehow is thinking they did you a favor (sparing you having to go to one of those terrible awful stress inducing parties that you supposedly hate), then that makes the situation more complicated.

You are still not obligated to give a gift, but the way you say things and who you say them to might be affected.
When GCW asked them if I should be invited, they told her that I'd definitely give her a gift, but that I wouldn't want to go to the party.  GCW said that it wasn't for the gift, but that she wanted me to be there.   (I have really decided that there would be no reason to ask coworkers about it if she did want to invite me - but there would be if she did not want to but felt badly to exclude just one).   So, after the discussion yesterday, GCW told them when I was out of the room that she felt uncomfortable discussing the party in front of me.  And then, after GCW left for the day I was told that they were worried that GCW felt bad.
There is more to it though, since we make pastries and such, guess who will be catering most of the graduation party?  Yep, we will.  Some others are donating their time to the baking of rolls, cakes, etc. for the party.  I'm hoping that I'm not scheduled for that, but if I am, that will be another issue for me to face.  I think that I will stop being quiet about it, and at least say how it is making me uncomfortable.  I really haven't said two words about it yet.  I was too shocked, and for some reason embarrassed.

siamesecat2965

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When GCW asked them if I should be invited, they told her that I'd definitely give her a gift, but that I wouldn't want to go to the party.  GCW said that it wasn't for the gift, but that she wanted me to be there.   (I have really decided that there would be no reason to ask coworkers about it if she did want to invite me - but there would be if she did not want to but felt badly to exclude just one).   So, after the discussion yesterday, GCW told them when I was out of the room that she felt uncomfortable discussing the party in front of me.  And then, after GCW left for the day I was told that they were worried that GCW felt bad.
There is more to it though, since we make pastries and such, guess who will be catering most of the graduation party?  Yep, we will.  Some others are donating their time to the baking of rolls, cakes, etc. for the party.  I'm hoping that I'm not scheduled for that, but if I am, that will be another issue for me to face.  I think that I will stop being quiet about it, and at least say how it is making me uncomfortable.  I really haven't said two words about it yet.  I was too shocked, and for some reason embarrassed.

Wow, that was quite presumptuous of them to tell her you'd be giving a gift! And that you wouldn't want to attend the party. I'd be pretty p'od if someone told someone else that on my behalf.  And the fact GCW said she wanted YOU there, and was uncomfortable talking about the party when you were around sounds like she has more class than all of them put together!

So you're thinking they may voluntell you to help bake for the party, on your own time? Yeah, no. That's a perfect time for "sorry, I have plans" or "I'm sorry, that' won't be possible"

And if its going to be done during your normal, PAID working time, is there any way you could request that day off? So it won't be an issue?

wolfie

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I have a question here.  When the "of course you will give a gift" thing came up, did they mean that it was just in their opinion that you would? Or that they had told GCW that of course you would? (Or even, was it GCW that assumed first that you would be giving a gift?)

The reason I ask is that, of course you are not obligated to give a gift for a party you aren't invited to.  But that's in the abstract and pertains to the other co-workers.  But if GCW is thinking that you'll give a gift, and maybe somehow is thinking they did you a favor (sparing you having to go to one of those terrible awful stress inducing parties that you supposedly hate), then that makes the situation more complicated.

You are still not obligated to give a gift, but the way you say things and who you say them to might be affected.
When GCW asked them if I should be invited, they told her that I'd definitely give her a gift, but that I wouldn't want to go to the party.  GCW said that it wasn't for the gift, but that she wanted me to be there.   (I have really decided that there would be no reason to ask coworkers about it if she did want to invite me - but there would be if she did not want to but felt badly to exclude just one).   So, after the discussion yesterday, GCW told them when I was out of the room that she felt uncomfortable discussing the party in front of me.  And then, after GCW left for the day I was told that they were worried that GCW felt bad.
There is more to it though, since we make pastries and such, guess who will be catering most of the graduation party?  Yep, we will.  Some others are donating their time to the baking of rolls, cakes, etc. for the party.  I'm hoping that I'm not scheduled for that, but if I am, that will be another issue for me to face.  I think that I will stop being quiet about it, and at least say how it is making me uncomfortable.  I really haven't said two words about it yet.  I was too shocked, and for some reason embarrassed.

Can they really schedule you for a day and not pay you for that? I would definitely protest that!

lowspark

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And then, after GCW left for the day I was told that they were worried that GCW felt bad.

They told you that they were worried that she felt bad?
That really takes the cake!

I would have spoken up in the first place (as I said upthread) but I really, really think you need to say something now.

I'm pretty blunt but I would just say right out that my feelings are hurt, I feel I've been deliberately made to feel like I'm not a valued member of the team. I just think that these people need to be made aware of how they are making you feel.

TootsNYC

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When GCW asked them if I should be invited, they told her that I'd definitely give her a gift, but that I wouldn't want to go to the party.  GCW said that it wasn't for the gift, but that she wanted me to be there.   (I have really decided that there would be no reason to ask coworkers about it if she did want to invite me - but there would be if she did not want to but felt badly to exclude just one).   So, after the discussion yesterday, GCW told them when I was out of the room that she felt uncomfortable discussing the party in front of me. And then, after GCW left for the day I was told that they were worried that GCW felt bad.
There is more to it though, since we make pastries and such, guess who will be catering most of the graduation party?  Yep, we will.  Some others are donating their time to the baking of rolls, cakes, etc. for the party.  I'm hoping that I'm not scheduled for that, but if I am, that will be another issue for me to face.  I think that I will stop being quiet about it, and at least say how it is making me uncomfortable.  I really haven't said two words about it yet.  I was too shocked, and for some reason embarrassed.

You know, I'm not feeling bad things about GCW. You and she don't work together often, so she didn't feel moved to invite you, but was worried she'd offend you if she didn't.
  Her error was that she consulted these cretins!

If they weren't cretins, they'd have told her, "I don't think she'll really mind, and we'll all be discreet." And then they'd be DISCREET! for god's sake!! (sorry--little frustration moment)

So, she decided not to invite you, which you aren't all that insulted about (am I right?) And she sure didn't ask them to tell you why you weren't invited--they did that little piece of nastiness and exclusion all on their own. (and why? bcs they were feeling guilty, that's why, so they decided to confess to you so you'd hae to absolve them by not getting mad, so now they can say, "she wasn't upset.")

When these rude, rude people start talking about the party in front of you, she waited for an opportunity to tell you, "stop talking about it, I don't want to be rude to Runningstar," they feel guilty again, so what do they do? They tell you about it, so they can again feel better because they confessed, but they can also make it be YOUR FAULT.

If they say the tiniest thing again, you can say, "You know, you guys are being really unfair and rude to GCW and to me. You have made both of us very uncomfortable.
    "If you were going to advise GCW to leave me off the invitation list, you should have kept mum about it TO ME. It's really, really rude to GCW for you to come to me and announce that! She asked you in confidence, and you blabbed. And to come to me to say, 'we told her not to invite you'? That's just hurtful. Even in first grade, I didn't do that to people.
   "And now GCW has told you that -she- is uncomfortable talking about the party in front of me, and what do you do? You come and TELL ME. Instead of just keeping mum. That's really hurtful to me, and it's really unfair to her. Be discreet for your friends! Zip it up!"

And go get some more flour from the back.

Free Range Hippy Chick

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I think you could just line up the EHell phrases and use them one after another:

They want you to do a day of unpaid work for a party to which you aren't invited? 'I'm sorry, that won't be possible.'

They say you'll be giving a gift? 'Why would I want to do that?'

They told her you wouldn't want to go to her party? 'What an interesting assumption,' and 'how kind of you to take an interest'.

They're talking about the party? Bean dip, very pointedly, about some completely irrelevant subject.

They don't stop talking about the party? Dead silence, particularly if they address you on the subject.

TootsNYC

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oh, the short version of my rant?

"Telling me this stuff about the party is really hurtful to me and -very- unfair to GWC. Please just stop talking about it. Period."

Cut-and-paste, maybe?

Margo

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You could also possibly speak to your Boss about it, not to ask them to intervene in any way about the party, but to say "apparently co-workers told GCW that (i) she should exclude me, having invited all t he other workers, and (ii) that I would give her a gift.

While I find that hurtful on a personal level, I am raising it with you because I am  concerned that they took it upon themselves to speak for me, without consulting me and I am concerned that they may do the same in other situations - including potentially giving inaccurate or misleading information to customers, or causing problems for me or other workers."

because although this was initially about a social event, it has happened at work and does impact on your working relationships.

siamesecat2965

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You could also possibly speak to your Boss about it, not to ask them to intervene in any way about the party, but to say "apparently co-workers told GCW that (i) she should exclude me, having invited all t he other workers, and (ii) that I would give her a gift.

While I find that hurtful on a personal level, I am raising it with you because I am  concerned that they took it upon themselves to speak for me, without consulting me and I am concerned that they may do the same in other situations - including potentially giving inaccurate or misleading information to customers, or causing problems for me or other workers."

because although this was initially about a social event, it has happened at work and does impact on your working relationships.

I'd be a little hesitant to do this, beacuse while I see your point, a boss might not, and think Runningstar is coming to her with seemingly "petty" personal issues with CWs. Not that I think they're petty, but the boss might. if it DID happen in a professional situation, then I'd definitely go to the boss, but I wouldn't do a premptive strike. Just my two cents.

Phoebe

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You could also possibly speak to your Boss about it, not to ask them to intervene in any way about the party, but to say "apparently co-workers told GCW that (i) she should exclude me, having invited all t he other workers, and (ii) that I would give her a gift.

While I find that hurtful on a personal level, I am raising it with you because I am  concerned that they took it upon themselves to speak for me, without consulting me and I am concerned that they may do the same in other situations - including potentially giving inaccurate or misleading information to customers, or causing problems for me or other workers."

because although this was initially about a social event, it has happened at work and does impact on your working relationships.

I'd be a little hesitant to do this, beacuse while I see your point, a boss might not, and think Runningstar is coming to her with seemingly "petty" personal issues with CWs. Not that I think they're petty, but the boss might. if it DID happen in a professional situation, then I'd definitely go to the boss, but I wouldn't do a premptive strike. Just my two cents.

Per the OP, the boss is one of those who told GCW not to invite the OP.

JenJay

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One thing I'd start practicing now, just in case, is how I'd respond if boss asked me to donate time to work on GCW's catering, and what I'd say if GCW invited me. I think "I'm afraid I've already made other plans for that time." would work for both. Don't get caught off guard and end up saying yes because you didn't know what else to say.

TheaterDiva1

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And then, after GCW left for the day I was told that they were worried that GCW felt bad.

They told you that they were worried that she felt bad?
That really takes the cake!

LOL... I see what you did there! Nice choice of words! :)