Author Topic: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?  (Read 1434 times)

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lellah

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I have lately realized I'm sort of guest-list (mine, yours, everyone's) obsessed in my postings: hope it's not tiresome. :)

My high school choir teachers, a married couple, have kindly agreed to sing a duet at my (small!) wedding.  They're also very old family friends and have three children who are roughly my peers.  Their son is a good friend of mine.  Their daughters I know less well because of differences in ages and interests while we were growing up.   I had asked the CTs to tell me what their accompaniment needs would be.  I was surprised when my mom called to say that the CTs daughter will be accompanying them on her harp.  Sooooo... I guess that daughter's invited to the wedding.  Okay. That's fine.  There's room.  Daughter's a perfectly nice person, and her presence is a price I'm completely willing to pay for her parents performing. 

Invitations haven't yet been sent, but I wasn't going to invite Son to the wedding.  It's far from where he lives.  He's just changed jobs and has recently turned down a ton of invites.  He's kind of broke.  The wedding's small.  Plenty of excellent reasons not to invite someone.  Son called me today say how excited he is to come to my wedding.  Daughter's going to pick him up, he says.  The whole family will drive together.  And that's not really a problem either.  I'm glad to have Son along too.  We've had some people we were planning on inviting crop up with major schedule conflicts, so there really is wiggle room on the guest list.

Here's the thing: Daughter is living with her boyfriend, whom I've never met.  But they're not Son has a boyfriend with whom he does not live, but I've met him and like him very much. 

Now I'm in a pickle with whom to invite.  Daughter's Boyfriend?  They're a social unit.  But she's really only coming to play the harp.   Son's boyfriend?  There's sort of a tricky dynamic I want to be sensitive to there, so I'm fairly inclined to bring along Son's boyfriend, even though their relationship is less serious.  Other Daughter, whom I like no more or less than Daughter, but who really has no reason to be there but who would be the only member of her family uninvited. 

PastryGoddess

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Re: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2014, 08:30:03 PM »
In this case I'd treat them as vendors, not friends since you will be paying them to provide a service.  You should keep them in the loop in terms of the schedule and other musical details.  But you should not send out an invitation AT ALL to any of them.

Lynn2000

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Re: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2014, 08:58:30 PM »
Ooh, that's awkward. So the two choir teachers are definitely invited, because they're singing a duet. The daughter is coming because she's going to accompany them on the harp. That all makes sense to me.

But, it really should have stopped there. The son should never have been given the impression that he's invited.

Also, I don't think the daughter's boyfriend needs to be invited, even though they are a social unit. To me, this isn't really a "social" occasion, it's more like a work occasion. She is working at your wedding.

One thing you could do is call the parents and be like, "Oh, I'm so sorry, there's been some kind of mix-up. The venue is very small, so I won't be able to invite anyone from your family beyond you two, and Harpist. I hope this is okay." Then it will be on the parents, or whoever, to tell Son, daughter's boyfriend, etc. that they will not be getting in the car for the drive to your wedding.

If you were having just one musician who was performing with a tape, I think it would be kind to also invite their partner. More in the vein of "someone they know to travel and sit with" than anything else. But in this case it's two spouses and their daughter, who make up the musician package--that is plenty of people to travel and sit with.

But, if you're okay with/have agreed to some of the extra people coming (anyone beyond parents and one daughter), I'm kind of torn. Because on the one hand, you could call the parents and ask who they're planning to bring, who is "the whole family" that Son mentioned, and just make room for those people, whoever they are, and not suggest anyone else (like partners). Because you aren't really inviting them, you're just getting a list of people who invited themselves (or were invited by someone without authority to do so).

But on the other hand, I kind of feel like, if you're accepting that these extra people are coming, even though you didn't invite them, then the gracious thing to do is to treat them like full guests, with partners invited as you would if they'd been on your guest list from the beginning. Which in this case would certainly include Son's partner, since you know and like him, and also daughter's partner since at that point almost everyone in the family is invited EXCEPT him, which is awkward. And you wouldn't want your guests to feel awkward.
~Lynn2000

purple

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Re: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2014, 02:39:32 AM »
You need to make a decision whether the teachers and the daughter who plays the harp are guests or vendors.

If they are vendors, then as PastryGoddess says, they don't get invitations.  They get schedules and requirements and a pay-cheque and they arrive just before they are to perform and they leave shortly afterwards.

If you want those people there as guests, then perhaps you should consider having them there as guests and hiring other performers.  Then you would need to follow the normal social-unit requirements for your guest list.


PastryGoddess

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Re: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2014, 04:09:00 AM »
You need to make a decision whether the teachers and the daughter who plays the harp are guests or vendors.

If they are vendors, then as PastryGoddess says, they don't get invitations.  They get schedules and requirements and a pay-cheque and they arrive just before they are to perform and they leave shortly afterwards.

If you want those people there as guests, then perhaps you should consider having them there as guests and hiring other performers.  Then you would need to follow the normal social-unit requirements for your guest list.



Regarding the bolded, I work part time in the spring and summer as an assistant wedding planner.  Most vendors stay for the entire wedding including the reception.  Some weddings give "vendor meals" which are separate from the dinner that the guests enjoy.  Other weddings have the vendors getting the same meals as the guests.  Usually the caterer builds in a certain number of vendor meals into the quote.  Some vendors also have a clause in their contract that states that they get to eat the same meals as the guests.


FWIW, I work on weddings in MD, DC, VA, PA, and DE

purple

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Re: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2014, 04:21:09 AM »
You need to make a decision whether the teachers and the daughter who plays the harp are guests or vendors.

If they are vendors, then as PastryGoddess says, they don't get invitations.  They get schedules and requirements and a pay-cheque and they arrive just before they are to perform and they leave shortly afterwards.

If you want those people there as guests, then perhaps you should consider having them there as guests and hiring other performers.  Then you would need to follow the normal social-unit requirements for your guest list.



Regarding the bolded, I work part time in the spring and summer as an assistant wedding planner.  Most vendors stay for the entire wedding including the reception.  Some weddings give "vendor meals" which are separate from the dinner that the guests enjoy.  Other weddings have the vendors getting the same meals as the guests.  Usually the caterer builds in a certain number of vendor meals into the quote.  Some vendors also have a clause in their contract that states that they get to eat the same meals as the guests.


FWIW, I work on weddings in MD, DC, VA, PA, and DE

At our wedding, we fed the musicians that we had performing at the reception dinner (3 courses of the same meal as the guests - not the whole 11 course degustation!), because they played throughout the entire evening and I do think it's unfair to not feed people who are working for 6 hours.  But as far as the celebrant, the woman who was hired to dress me and a few others who worked at the ceremony, they did their job and left, they didn't stay for the reception.  I'm in Sydney, Australia.  I can't say for sure whether the way we did it was the norm for here because our wedding was not 'normal', but I don't think it's unreasonable for people who perform or work at the ceremony to leave after the ceremony and not come to the reception.

shhh its me

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Re: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2014, 07:41:35 AM »
 Since the majority of the reasons you were not going to invite son were "it will be difficult for him to attended"  I think you should just invite him but since he thinks he was invited based on his parents and sister preforming  invite to "the musical family" for (5) I would include room  for  the other daughter or  the 5th spot could be used by the harpist BF (harps are heavy right , I can see a harpist having and assistant).   You don't really invite vendors to the wedding ie with an invite and rsvp card but you can communicate how many "assistants/plus 1s" they are expected to bring.    So tell them ( the CT your vendor) "we reserved 5 places for you."  That way you don't have to think about social units, the only vendors Ive ever seen get a spouse invite is pastors.

PP are right you don't have to invite the son and it would be perfectly polite to explain CT error to them, but since you're good friends with son and you're parents are good friends with CT I'd just roll with it.

lellah

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Re: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2014, 11:23:03 AM »
In this case I'd treat them as vendors, not friends since you will be paying them to provide a service.  You should keep them in the loop in terms of the schedule and other musical details.  But you should not send out an invitation AT ALL to any of them.

Ah, perhaps this is a cultural thing?  Most weddings I've been party to have included friends of the bridal couple performing music.  It's a social honor similar to, say, asking someone to mind the guest book or hand out programs.  It's basically a wedding party position, but since they're providing a professional service, they receive an expensive gift for their service. If the musicians were suddenly unable to perform for some reason, they're still guests. 

Mikayla

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Re: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2014, 01:16:40 PM »
In this case I'd treat them as vendors, not friends since you will be paying them to provide a service.  You should keep them in the loop in terms of the schedule and other musical details.  But you should not send out an invitation AT ALL to any of them.

Ah, perhaps this is a cultural thing?  Most weddings I've been party to have included friends of the bridal couple performing music.  It's a social honor similar to, say, asking someone to mind the guest book or hand out programs.  It's basically a wedding party position, but since they're providing a professional service, they receive an expensive gift for their service. If the musicians were suddenly unable to perform for some reason, they're still guests.

You're probably right about cultural aspects, but you may not fully know the dynamics behind each situation.  For example, at my brother's wedding, the cake and the singing were wedding gifts from a guest to the couple.  No money exchanged hands.

I mention it because I think this couple has made some assumptions that are putting you in an awkward situation.  If you were having 200 guests, that's one thing, but with small weddings, unintended guests have a much bigger impact.   So if you don't want all these extras, that doesn't make you rude.  Someone else was rude in assuming these people were invited.

So overall I agree with Lynn2000 that it should have ended with the 3 performers.  Obviously, if you don't mind inviting the others it's fine to do so, but when you ask if you "should", imo you aren't obligated.

lowspark

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Re: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2014, 12:57:00 PM »
So if I understand correctly, you would have invited the teacher couple to the wedding regardless of whether you were asking them to sing, right? And you would have invited their son except that he lives far, has turned down invitations recently and is broke.

So you would normally like those three at your wedding but not the two daughters nor the additional two SOs.

What I'd do would totally depend on my budget and available space. If budget & space allowed for the additional three people (two SOs and other daughter) I'd go ahead and include them. I would see it as part of my thanks to the couple for performing at my wedding.

I'm sort of wondering if the assumption of being invited stemmed from your mother's conversation with them since you said it was your mother who told you they'd be using their daughter as the harpist. (Which by the way, if you end up inviting them all actually saves you a person because if they assumed the whole family was invited plus a non-family member harpist, that would be one more person.) So yeah, I'm wondering how the conversation between your mother and the singing couple played out.

lellah

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Re: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2014, 04:54:01 PM »
Thanks for the insight! I appreciate it.  :)  I think I'm going to invite Brother and Boyfriend and then talk to Musical Sister directly and see what she has in mind.   

Dragonflymom

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Re: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?
« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2014, 07:57:34 PM »
I am a semi-professional musician and perform at weddings and parties.  If I'm hired as a solo performer, and the happy couple/party host/event organizer haven't also hired my husband to accompany me or asked him to run the sound system, I assume he is not invited and I am there as my professional self, to do my job of performing for however long I'm booked for, not as part of a married couple.  Even when I'm hired by someone I might consider a close acquaintance, like one of my daughter's teachers.  If I'm booked to play at your (general you) wedding, I'm there to perform, not there as a guest.  Social unit rules do not apply, as I'm there as a professional rather than as part of your social circle.

So there should be no need to worry about her or her boyfriend being hurt.  I'd imagine as a harpist she probably gets asked to play at her fair share of weddings, and ought to know the score.
"By swallowing evil goats unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach"  Winston Churchill

Katana_Geldar

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Re: do you invite a musician's partner? or brother? or Aunt Lulabelle?
« Reply #12 on: March 20, 2014, 08:31:13 PM »
If that was me, I'd be rather annoyed at all the people seemingly inviting themselves or your mother inviting them on your behalf. For all they know you could be having budget/numbers issues. The daughter I would be fine with, but not the son and definitely not the son's partner.