Author Topic: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.  (Read 4074 times)

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BarensMom

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #30 on: March 04, 2014, 12:01:48 AM »
From reading your first post, then the update(s), I still say while you've been a good friend to her, she's not been a good friend to you.  Let her go.

If she reappears and wants a "Mommy" friend, just be unavailable.  She'll just use you and, as soon as her local friends become mommies, dump and hurt you again.

Don't let her use you anymore.

sammycat

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #31 on: March 04, 2014, 12:21:25 AM »
From reading your first post, then the update(s), I still say while you've been a good friend to her, she's not been a good friend to you.  Let her go.

If she reappears and wants a "Mommy" friend, just be unavailable.  She'll just use you and, as soon as her local friends become mommies, dump and hurt you again.

Don't let her use you anymore.

THIS. Very much this.

sammycat

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #32 on: March 04, 2014, 12:36:59 AM »
f) We're apparently growing apart and it bothers me more than her.  I suspect she will become re-interested in me during (if she has) her first pregnancy (they want kids sooner than later). I'm her only Mommy friend, I will then become necessary again.

g) Twenty years and many cycles of this sort of thing with her.  If anyone thinks it was I that hurt her by calling her bluff, that's truly laughable.  She barely gives me a second thought, I'm hardly on her radar at the moment.  She's been so "busy" after-all.  Isn't that what we tell people when we're trying to phase them out?

h) I did already try to talk to her about my hurt feelings over her neglect and she laughed it off. Said she's been so busy.  The saying is "Make new friend's but keep the old.  One is silver and the other Gold." not "Make new friends and when they dissipate, go back to old reliable. They always take you back because they're sentimental."

It's quite common for friendships to ebb and flow over the years, but usually it's a just a general 'life gets in the way' type of thing. No one's to 'blame' in that sort of situation. But that's very different to what's happening here. Do you really want to be that friend whose only value is to be seen as an emotional dumping ground when it suits the other person, instead of the person who values you as a friend simply because they like you, enjoy your company etc?

"Friend" seems to pick you up and then drop you like a bouncy ball when it suits her.  When she has a need for you she's all over you. Once that need is fulfilled "Friend" discards you for a newer, shinier toy. It sounds like that has been an unfortunate cycle for a while.

You're in a slightly fortunately position because you can see the reality of this "friendship" for what it is, and can thus react accordingly. If you're aware that she's going to start popping up again when/if she has a baby then you can decide now not to be available.  If she needs mummy friends she can join a playgroup or whatever. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she decides to dump all her wedding dramas on you as well (and from the sounds of it there'll be plenty), despite not having you in the wedding. Decide now that you won't be that dumping ground/sounding board.

I'm not in the slightest way suggesting a cut direct or anything like that, but if you have caller ID, just don't answer the phone when she calls, or only answer once a week, keep other conversations brief etc. In other words, don't let her use you again. From here on out, manage this rel@tionship on your terms.  It may just end up gradually fading out totally, or maybe you'll be very friendly acquaintances, but whatever you do, please don't let her use you again as she has been.   (HUGS).  I know it can suck to realise you're losing a friend, but sometimes it actually works out for the best.

Pumpkin Spice

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #33 on: March 04, 2014, 01:01:19 AM »
Thank you BarensMom.

And Sammycat- Thanks, those hugs are most appreciated.  I'm a sensitive soul and I've been emotional over this for a few days now.  As you know from my other thread, this is the second friend problem I have going on right now.  I'm also stressed about DD's bday party this Saturday.  Plus, DH got into a fender bender today, could have been much worse, he's been fixing the damage all night but he and our son are okay.  That's what's important. Wet roads here in Florida today and he hydroplaned.


I think the general consensus is that I should majorly cool it with her.  I already have cut way back. I don't always answer her calls but I'll distance myself even more because that's the only way I can cope.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2014, 01:04:39 AM by Pumpkin Spice »

lmyrs

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #34 on: March 04, 2014, 10:44:59 AM »
I really think that there was some kind of massive misunderstanding between the two of you about what a MOH does way back when this first came up. First, I've read every single one of your posts and I still can't figure out why you would need to move your family to become her MOH. And, I realize that this was probably (I hope) hyperbole, but, what do you think the MOH does that you couldn't do it on the wedding weekend? My MOH lived 9 hours away. She never came to see me once before the wedding. When I was her MOH, I went to the wedding town on Wednesday or Thursday for the Saturday wedding.

Yes, if the BTB expected you to plan and attend a whole bunch of pre-wedding activities, then you couldn't do that. But is that what she expected? And, if she did expect that, didn't she expect it from her other BMs? Which means if you can't do the MOH job, you can't do the BM job.

I've been a BM 6 or 7 times. In every single one of those weddings, the "work" done by the MOH and BMs was equal with some local BMs picking up a bit more on things like hostessing. I've hosted probably 5 or 6 stagettes and at least 1 shower and I wasn't the MOH for any of them. I wasn't even a bridesmaid for one or two. The girls who hosted my stagette weren't my BMs either.

I think that if I were your friend, and I'd called my preferred MOH and asked her if she'd be the MOH and she started offering up a bunch of excuses about why she couldn't do it, I'd assume she didn't want to do it. And, I'd completely understand that. God, I've done the BM thing so many times that when one of my newly engaged friends called me and asked me to emcee her wedding, I literally did a happy dance while singing, "Sarah didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid! Sarah didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid!"

So, if later on, that same friend had told me she wanted to be a BM, I'd be confused. Because if she can't or won't or doesn't want to do the "work" of being MOH, I'd assume she couldn't or wouldn't or didn't want to do the work of being a BM. And a conversation would probably happen much like the one you had.

So, all that said, if she's a bad friend, she's a bad friend. And, if you feel that her overall behaviour over the course of the past 20 years of on-again, off-again friendship has not been good and that you're better off without her, then yes, you should disengage from this friendship. But I don't think you should blame it on this incident.

Pumpkin Spice

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #35 on: March 04, 2014, 03:47:45 PM »
I really think that there was some kind of massive misunderstanding between the two of you about what a MOH does way back when this first came up. First, I've read every single one of your posts and I still can't figure out why you would need to move your family to become her MOH. And, I realize that this was probably (I hope) hyperbole, but, what do you think the MOH does that you couldn't do it on the wedding weekend? My MOH lived 9 hours away. She never came to see me once before the wedding. When I was her MOH, I went to the wedding town on Wednesday or Thursday for the Saturday wedding.

Yes, if the BTB expected you to plan and attend a whole bunch of pre-wedding activities, then you couldn't do that. But is that what she expected? And, if she did expect that, didn't she expect it from her other BMs? Which means if you can't do the MOH job, you can't do the BM job.

I've been a BM 6 or 7 times. In every single one of those weddings, the "work" done by the MOH and BMs was equal with some local BMs picking up a bit more on things like hostessing. I've hosted probably 5 or 6 stagettes and at least 1 shower and I wasn't the MOH for any of them. I wasn't even a bridesmaid for one or two. The girls who hosted my stagette weren't my BMs either.

I think that if I were your friend, and I'd called my preferred MOH and asked her if she'd be the MOH and she started offering up a bunch of excuses about why she couldn't do it, I'd assume she didn't want to do it. And, I'd completely understand that. God, I've done the BM thing so many times that when one of my newly engaged friends called me and asked me to emcee her wedding, I literally did a happy dance while singing, "Sarah didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid! Sarah didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid!"

So, if later on, that same friend had told me she wanted to be a BM, I'd be confused. Because if she can't or won't or doesn't want to do the "work" of being MOH, I'd assume she couldn't or wouldn't or didn't want to do the work of being a BM. And a conversation would probably happen much like the one you had.

So, all that said, if she's a bad friend, she's a bad friend. And, if you feel that her overall behaviour over the course of the past 20 years of on-again, off-again friendship has not been good and that you're better off without her, then yes, you should disengage from this friendship. But I don't think you should blame it on this incident.

That was my whole question actually.  What is the difference in roles between MoH and bridesmaid?  My very first sentence of this thread admitted that I know nothing about weddings so that's why I posed the question.  I was corrected immediately and now I know. 

Regarding the bolded:  I definitely am not blaming this specific incident for ending a friendship, that would be completely against everything I stand for.  I've been very forgiving over the years.  Also I admit there  was joint blame in this situation.  I'm also not ending the friendship, just taking some time to let her realize what she's doing to us.  I won't wait forever though and my gut tells me this friendship is going to fade away. 


TurtleDove

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Re: Friend reneged on wedding party invite.
« Reply #36 on: March 04, 2014, 04:09:30 PM »
I am confused why the topic of MOH or bridesmaids is even being discussed when there isn't even an engagement.  If you feel you don't want to be friends with this person, OP, then by all means don't continue the friendship.  But at this point it sounds to me like you told your friend you couldn't be MOH for a wedding that isn't even on the horizon, and I don't understand why you felt the need to do that.  At any rate, hugs and I hope you feel better about this soon.