Bachelor party & money troubles - Update #6

[green.and.blue]

This is really my DH's dilemma, but he'd appreciate the advice. DH is a groomsman in a wedding in June. He's an old friend of the groom, and the rest of the guys are newer friends, plus the bride's brother. Due to travel logistics, the bachelor party is in two weeks - the end of March. Best man came up with three different plans, and then ran them by the groomsmen way back in December over the Christmas break.  There was an expensive plan, a mid-range plan, and a cheap cheap plan, and everyone wanted either the expensive plan or the mid-range plan, so they went with the mid. 

Best man put a deposit down, and then the cost per person went up by 15%, due to a venue cost not in the original quote. Best man ran it past the group, and they decided to keep the plan. Well, it's two weeks away now and the rest of the cash is due tomorrow. Best man asked for it by Friday. DH and bride's brother are the only two out of the six other guys who have paid (4 haven't). Best man said in the last email that he is getting "push back" about the cost, and so he's just going to pay for the whole thing himself since it was his idea in the first place. He has sent the money back to DH, who is refusing to take it back (email transfer). What advice would ehell give to my DH (who is asking me what the heck he should do here!)?

[NyaChan]

I'd call the best man to actually speak to him and explain that I wanted to contribute to the experience as a gift for the groom, to ease the burden on the best man, but also because that was what I had committed to doing.  I'd probably add in something about how I didn't want or need the money back, and that I hoped the best man would use the money as intended.  All in a nice, I'm sorry the others are giving you a hard time when you are doing something nice for us all tone

[TootsNYC]

I'd call the best man to actually speak to him and explain that I wanted to contribute to the experience as a gift for the groom, to ease the burden on the best man, but also because that was what I had committed to doing.  I'd probably add in something about how I didn't want or need the money back, and that I hoped the best man would use the money as intended.  All in a nice, I'm sorry the others are giving you a hard time when you are doing something nice for us all tone

I agree. Take it to an actual voice-to-voice conversation.

I've often been the person who could afford to pay the mid- to higher range when others couldn't. I'm not all that fashed about the inequality, actually.

I might also say to the best man, "Look, take the help. If nothing else, it might keep you from realizing you resent the financial load. Because it is a lot of money."

[Roses]

And if what NyaChan suggests doesn't work, then I'd talk to him again in person at the Bachelor party and/or perhaps agree to pay for dinner one night for the group or at least pay the BM's dinner/drink costs.  It should all be in a friendly - I've known this man my whole life, I'd like to contribute - kind of way.

[TootsNYC]

Actually, that's a nice idea--tell the best man that he can pay all the costs, the way he wants to, but that DH wants to be the one to treat everyone to dinner (or whatever works out to his original share of things, or however much he wants to put in).

"You host that part, I'll host the other part; we'll do this together."

[sparksals]

Given all the nightmares we hear about batchelorettes getting out of control, lack of consultation,  I have to give the BM kudos for consulting everyone.   Shame on these 'friends' who have not lived up to the agreement. 

I echo the others.  Have dh contact him and say he wants to contribute.  If the bm tires to email back the money, just dont accept it.   I wish the US had this feature. I assume you are in Canada?  That is the only country I know of with this wonderful conveniece thru the banks.

[green.and.blue]

Thanks everybody. DH would love to talk it out, but there's been Radio Silence from the BM since Friday - no emails, not returning phone calls or texts, not even from the groom, whose BIL reluctantly got him involved last night. DH has sent/left messages leaving the lines of communication open, and that's all he can do for now, I guess. Groom's BIL has already stepped and made tentative (cheap!) alternative plans for the bachelor party in case these one's fall through.

[lakey]

"Given all the nightmares we hear about batchelorettes getting out of control, lack of consultation,  I have to give the BM kudos for consulting everyone.   Shame on these 'friends' who have not lived up to the agreement.  "

If you watch tv judge shows, it's pretty common for people who can't really afford trips, or whatever, to let one person set up the event and pay for the tickets, with the agreement of reimbursing the person later. Of course, sometimes the person really can't afford the event and ends up not paying back the person who fronted the money. Then again, some people are just disorganized and flakey and don't budget for things.

On a personal level, unless all of the parties are well to do, I'm not a fan of turning bachelor and bachelorette parties into trips that involve sizable amounts of money. You can say that the invitees can not attend if the cost and time of a weekend, out of town trip is a problem, but if you are a groomsman or bridesmaid it is pretty much expected that you are supposed to attend. But that's just me, I know that there are many who would have no problem with it even if it stretched the budget.