Author Topic: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45, #54  (Read 12947 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

hopeful4

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 95
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....update pg. 4 #45
« Reply #45 on: March 21, 2014, 10:24:03 AM »
Well,  minor update...

Yesterday as he was coming through the door after work, DH was on the phone.  He was telling SIL that if she could not find anyone else, we would watch the dog but that he would prefer if she could find someone else.    At least she has been handling this herself.  Usually she would make BIL make the call, he thinks she did not want to make the call herself because she feels guilty that it is the only time she calls us.  I don't know but maybe DH's hesitance in helping her will give her some thought, if only for a brief monument.  I really don't think she will ever change, am beginning to accept it and that I cannot mend the rift I see happening between siblings.   She is making choices and as we all know, choices have consequences.  She will have to live with those consequences.

We will see if she calls back.....

rigs32

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 504
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45
« Reply #46 on: March 21, 2014, 10:55:44 AM »
You really think she's going to even try to find someone else?  I bet you get another call and you'll be watching that dog.

I hope your DH does all of the walking and scooping since he gave her the green light, no matter how wishy washy he was about it.

Lorelei_Evil

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1991
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45
« Reply #47 on: March 21, 2014, 10:58:54 AM »
You really think she's going to even try to find someone else?  I bet you get another call and you'll be watching that dog.

I hope your DH does all of the walking and scooping since he gave her the green light, no matter how wishy washy he was about it.

POD.  She got what she wanted, he caved.

Sophia

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 11671
  • xi
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45
« Reply #48 on: March 21, 2014, 11:00:13 AM »
Yup, she is not even going to try.  Users don't hear, " if she could not find anyone else, we would watch the dog but that he would prefer if she could find someone else. "

They hear " (blah blah blah) we would watch the dog  (blah blah blah)" 

Well, at least you like the dog. 

SamiHami

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3098
  • No! Iz mai catnip! You no can haz! YOU NO CAN HAZ!
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45
« Reply #49 on: March 22, 2014, 10:21:48 AM »
Yeah, your DH actually said "Yes, sure, we'll watch your dog!" The rest doesn't matter. She got what she wanted and I'm sure she won't waste a second finding someone else to do it. I'm glad you like the dog and that he'll be well cared for. But nothing short of just plain "no" is going to work with SIL.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30461
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45
« Reply #50 on: March 22, 2014, 10:30:20 AM »
You guys should start saying, "One good thing about watching dog--it's the only time we ever get to see you, since you're so busy the rest of the time."

But that -will- mean that you will always be watching the dog, and she'll think she's doing you a favor."

Or, "When we watch the dog, that's a way to spend time with at least one member of your family!"

Start complaining back to her.

No, not really. Don't.

Just drop the rope, and stop caring whether she's happy about the whole thing.

Or, the next time she whines or complains or berates you guys about not making time for family, say, "What do you mean? We were there when you brought your dog over for us to babysit."

and then go back to not caring.

lakey

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 278
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45
« Reply #51 on: March 22, 2014, 07:21:44 PM »
"Just drop the rope, and stop caring whether she's happy about the whole thing. "

This.
You are an intelligent adult, you behave in a way that you feel is appropriate. If an unreasonable person is upset about it, because you aren't pandering to their demands, that is their problem.

jilly

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 344
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45
« Reply #52 on: March 23, 2014, 06:16:37 AM »
My SIL used to have the same attitude. Family is the most important thing, we should all be closer see each other more and so on. I suspect she still does but we just don't hear it anymore. I looked back and realised the only time we'd seen her in the last year was when we went to visit her when we initiated the visit. All invites else where were rejected and I experimented for a couple of months and didn't initiate any contact, I only heard from her to tell us off for not seeing each other!! At that point I decided to drop the rope, it's been hard we've had some guilt trips and I miss my niece and nephew, they and lovely kids, but it's been so much more peaceful.

It can be difficult when someone is saying one thing and making all the right noises about how sad they are they can't join you for x, y, and z the trick is to listen to the pattern of their actions.

mj

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 570
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45
« Reply #53 on: March 23, 2014, 01:35:35 PM »
OP, we have a similar situation with DHs brother & SIL.  A lot of comments about family time, guilt trips etc.  The favor they asked for was babysitting, usually it was asked of me about once a week.  While it is sort of counter-intuitive because once I shined up my spine and quit babysitting (that story is for another time) the comments and guilt tripping about family stuff have stopped.  DH says they are punishing us, well I'll take that punishment!

It's pretty bad though, we only see them at holidays and then they'll invite us over at gifting times for themselves, like birthdays.  But that's it.  So we were wanted for babysitting and gifts is what it felt like to me.

hopeful4

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 95
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45, #54
« Reply #54 on: March 25, 2014, 08:53:06 AM »
Well, hopefully the last update... DH tried getting a hold of her to see if the dog was coming our way.  She must have found another sucker dogsitter.  She did not return his call.  Surprise.   Too bad.  He was going to mention to her that it would be nice to see them sometime and not just their dog.  Or maybe not.  The more I think about her behavior over the last few years (won't go into it here but basically trying to guilt DH over events that were either also her responsibility or she had no business prying into) I don't really want to see her.  I will, just to see niece and nephew (and maybe the dog)  :)
« Last Edit: March 25, 2014, 09:51:29 AM by hopeful4 »

ladyknight1

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6781
  • Operating the logic hammer since 1987.
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45, #54
« Reply #55 on: March 25, 2014, 10:28:48 AM »
That must be disappointing for your DH. How does he feel about it?

Miss Misha

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 276
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....
« Reply #56 on: March 25, 2014, 02:28:20 PM »
Dig-sitting is easily twenty bucks a day.

What favors are you trading?  Or, does she pay well?

Yes, tell SIL that it's such a great chance for your kids to earn some money by taking care of her dog!  They charge $XX/day and with that, it's guaranteed that they will let Fido out X times per day and will walk him for at least 30 minutes every evening, in addition to a morning playtime.  This is such a great opportunity for them to make a business plan and have some responsibilities, so thanks so much for thinking of them!  And tell them that they're so excited about their new 'business venture' that they even made up a contract for her to sign when they drop the dog off, outlining their responsibilities and the fees charged. 

Maybe she'd expect you to do it for free, but bring your kids into it and let her know that she will have to deal with them, and PAY them.  That could get interesting, and it's totally justified. :)

Dang, no LIKE button! 

Sounds like the situation worked itself out, Hopeful4, but I really like Grammarnerd's solution, too.

FWIW, I think there is someone like SIL in most families.  Talks a good game, but actions say something entirely different.  Our family had an aunt that talked about importance of family, etc., but you were only important if she wanted something.  Remember the E-hell saying, "No is a complete sentence" when dealing with these types.  As you have found, they'll find another sucker, er, person to ask.

siamesecat2965

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8541
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45, #54
« Reply #57 on: March 25, 2014, 02:34:41 PM »
I have a cousin like this. Her mom and my mom were actually cousins, so we aren't all that closely related, and as there is a few years age difference, and the fact we didn't get togethr too much as kids, we've only had a real relationshp for the past 6-7 years. She tells me I am more of a sister to her than her own, who is a nightmare, but, its always about her. She also lives near her DB and SIL, and they say the same thing. If its to HER benefit, she's all about it, and in fact, they've learned she simply just doens't call to get together, its usually beacuse she wants something.

hopeful4

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 95
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45, #54
« Reply #58 on: March 25, 2014, 04:30:22 PM »
OP here.  At this point, I think DH no longer really cares.  These are her choices and ours are, as many have advised here, to 'drop the rope'.  I do think, however, he may have something to say to her if she starts up about how important family is and tries to make it look as if no one tries to keep in touch with her as she has made comments in the past.  I don't think he will put forth much effort to keep in touch with her as it seems to be an exercise in futility but as she makes no effort herself, I don't think he will let such comments slide without a response.  Thanks for the feedback and the advice. 

ladyknight1

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6781
  • Operating the logic hammer since 1987.
Re: In-laws' too busy for us again.....minor update pg 4 #45, #54
« Reply #59 on: March 25, 2014, 07:24:47 PM »
I wish a peaceful future for your family, without the rope.  ;)