Author Topic: UPDATED 3.28.14 Rude RSVP Enclosure?  (Read 6818 times)

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Hmmmmm

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #30 on: March 24, 2014, 03:58:35 PM »
That's good advice, thank you. I would never bring it up, I'm more concerned about how I should react if she brings it up. Just say it was an unfortunate situation then move on?

You did not determine who from your DHs family was invited. He did. So stay out of this.

I don't know why an apology was owed to you. She stated why she and her DH were not attending. It wasn't necessary, but sometimes people feel the need to explain. When the RSVP was received, you and your fiancÚ should have shrugged it off. But instead you chose to see the comment as negative about his choice of who to invite.

If she brings it up, use one of the phrases suggested here.

That's because it *was* a negative comment about their choice of who to invite. And you really don't understand why an apology is owed when someone does something so incredibly rude? Or is it that you don't believe that criticizing someone's guest list is rude?

You are correct. In reading it I forgot she made the comment about the children not being welcome. That was a very negative comment. Had she just said "we only attend events as a intact family" then I wouldn't have seen it as negative, just an unusual.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #31 on: March 24, 2014, 09:19:34 PM »
That's good advice, thank you. I would never bring it up, I'm more concerned about how I should react if she brings it up. Just say it was an unfortunate situation then move on?

You did not determine who from your DHs family was invited. He did. So stay out of this.

I don't know why an apology was owed to you. She stated why she and her DH were not attending. It wasn't necessary, but sometimes people feel the need to explain. When the RSVP was received, you and your fiancÚ should have shrugged it off. But instead you chose to see the comment as negative about his choice of who to invite.

If she brings it up, use one of the phrases suggested here.

That's because it *was* a negative comment about their choice of who to invite. And you really don't understand why an apology is owed when someone does something so incredibly rude? Or is it that you don't believe that criticizing someone's guest list is rude?

You are correct. In reading it I forgot she made the comment about the children not being welcome. That was a very negative comment. Had she just said "we only attend events as a intact family" then I wouldn't have seen it as negative, just an unusual.

I would still find that rude.  If I am getting married, I really just need to know if you are coming or not.  I don't want to know that having your children go everywhere with you is more important than celebrating with me on my special day.  Just would rather not know that because for one thing, it kind of pressures me to change my policy.

Also, using the word "intact" makes it seem like I am expecting you to cleave your family in two just to come to my wedding.

She can decline the invitation for whatever reason she chooses, just not a great idea to share what it is and not necessary.

Sharpie

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #32 on: March 27, 2014, 03:02:08 AM »
UPDATE:

UPDATE:

Thank you for your advice, ladies. We were late to the viewing because cousin's mom wanted all of the pallbearers to wear a sport coat that DH doesn't own. We looked for hours and found one for $200 and I said forget it. He ended up borrowing one to appease aunt and it was raining so the only thing the pallbearers did was carry the casket 15 feet to the car. :/ I guess we should have left much much earlier. We had 2 hours set aside to shop and an hour to get ready so this really put a cramp in the schedule. Our fault, I'm just irritated.

Annnyway, there was five minutes left of the time the casket would be open to the family. I'm one of those people that needs to see the body. It's important to me that I see the body is just a shell and my loved one is no longer there. I hurried in to have a moment to say goodbye (I was very close to DH's gma.) No more than 10-20 seconds of alone time at the casket, my face is tears, cousin and aunt fly in like hawks to introduce themselves. Couldn't they have waited? It was really awkward. I needed a moment and they didn't let me have it. I politely exchanged greetings and the director closed the casket.

I didn't exchange greetings until the next day when we all went to cousin's mansion to visit with family. I gave cousin a hug and said I didn't feel like we got to have a proper greeting. She was friendly. Later, I gave little bitty mini wedding albums to them saying it was supposed to be in their Christmas cards, but we didn't get them back from our photog until January which is true. They were polite and pretended like nothing happened. Aunt even gave us a wedding gift and cousin said she hadn't bought it yet, but a gift from her is coming at some point.

So I guess all is fine and dandy? A family member told me the duo hates confrontation and would never speak to me about it, they just write aggressive letters. Interesting. I'm glad that's over.


ladyknight1

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Re: UPDATED 3.27.14 Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #33 on: March 27, 2014, 09:39:43 AM »
Oh, how odd that they rushed up to you as you said goodbye. You handled it the best way possible. Continue to be warm to them, as you have a long time ahead of you and it should work in your favor. I'm sorry for your loss.

JenJay

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Re: UPDATED 3.27.14 Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #34 on: March 27, 2014, 09:52:52 AM »
A family member told me the duo hates confrontation and would never speak to me about it, they just write aggressive letters. Interesting. I'm glad that's over.

Well here's your out in the future - Next time you get an ugly letter just briefly reply "Got your note, we need to talk. When are you available?" The answer is never, so, problem solved. They won't bother writing you if it's going to turn into you actually wanting to have a conversation about what was written.  ;)

TootsNYC

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #35 on: March 27, 2014, 10:00:00 AM »
... We were late to the viewing because cousin's mom wanted all of the pallbearers to wear a sport coat that DH doesn't own.


YE GODS! This is not a wedding!

Proof right here that these people are just not reasonable. This is the mom of the "I'm not welcome if my kids aren't welcome" mom, right? This is who trained her? insert eyeroll here.

TurtleDove

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #36 on: March 27, 2014, 10:21:10 AM »
... We were late to the viewing because cousin's mom wanted all of the pallbearers to wear a sport coat that DH doesn't own.


YE GODS! This is not a wedding!

Proof right here that these people are just not reasonable. This is the mom of the "I'm not welcome if my kids aren't welcome" mom, right? This is who trained her? insert eyeroll here.

I don't know that the cousin's mom was unreasonable.  Did she know the DH did not already own a sportcoat?  Because I don't think it is unreasonable to assume adult men have certain staple pieces, and I would consider a sportcoat to be a staple piece.  It could be that the cousin's mom was stating a level of formality and it never even ocurred to her that someone would not be able to meet it. 
« Last Edit: March 27, 2014, 10:32:51 AM by TurtleDove »

JenJay

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Re: UPDATED 3.27.14 Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #37 on: March 27, 2014, 10:29:55 AM »
I took it to mean the Aunt wanted a very specific type of sportcoat because OP said they looked for hours and finally found one for $200. Seems like, if any sportcoat would do, you could find one at any department store and for a lot less?

I do agree, though, that asking pallbearers to wear one isn't unreasonable, although you should be ready to drop it without a fuss if one of the chosen gentlemen doesn't have one and can't run out and get one. The point is probably more about having men who cared about the deceased than how they look for those few minutes.

Sharpie

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Re: UPDATED 3.27.14 Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #38 on: March 27, 2014, 12:42:29 PM »

Yes, the aunt is cousin's mom. She wanted the pallbearers to wear khakis, a navy sport coat, and a special Auburn University tie that they all do not own. My husband is 6'4 and 325 lbs, which is why it was difficult to find a navy sport coat.

Yvaine

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Re: UPDATED 3.27.14 Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #39 on: March 27, 2014, 12:43:47 PM »

Yes, the aunt is cousin's mom. She wanted the pallbearers to wear khakis, a navy sport coat, and a special Auburn University tie that they all do not own. My husband is 6'4 and 325 lbs, which is why it was difficult to find a navy sport coat.

...Auburn University? If she wants to be that specific, I hope she's hitting up the Auburn gift shop for them herself.

whatsanenigma

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Re: UPDATED 3.27.14 Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #40 on: March 27, 2014, 12:45:04 PM »
I took it to mean the Aunt wanted a very specific type of sportcoat because OP said they looked for hours and finally found one for $200. Seems like, if any sportcoat would do, you could find one at any department store and for a lot less?

I do agree, though, that asking pallbearers to wear one isn't unreasonable, although you should be ready to drop it without a fuss if one of the chosen gentlemen doesn't have one and can't run out and get one. The point is probably more about having men who cared about the deceased than how they look for those few minutes.

And as far as I'm concerned, if what they are wearing is really that important to some given person, that given person should foot the bill for it all and do the work of obtaining it.

ladyknight1

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Re: UPDATED 3.27.14 Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #41 on: March 27, 2014, 12:45:39 PM »
That is oddly specific.

Yvaine

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Re: UPDATED 3.27.14 Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #42 on: March 27, 2014, 12:46:25 PM »
That is oddly specific.

I'm guessing the deceased was an alum. But someone who wasn't himself an alum would have no reason to just have one of the ties sitting around!

whatsanenigma

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Re: UPDATED 3.27.14 Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #43 on: March 27, 2014, 12:49:32 PM »
That is oddly specific.

If it were the case that all the men involved, including the deceased, were active members of the Auburn alumni club, or heavily and meaningfully involved in some other way with the school, I would say that it wouldn't be so odd to want the ties, especially if due to said (hypothetical) affiliation, they would be expected to already have them.  Or if it would be possible for someone to order them and have them delivered in time.  That kind of thing, I could understand.

But the request as phrased seems rather out of the blue.

whatsanenigma

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Re: UPDATED 3.27.14 Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #44 on: March 27, 2014, 12:52:24 PM »
That is oddly specific.

I'm guessing the deceased was an alum. But someone who wasn't himself an alum would have no reason to just have one of the ties sitting around!

And in that case, I would find it appropriate for someone to provide ties from the college (on their own dime) for the men to wear, or even to say please wear a tie that is one of the school colors.

But just to say, you must obtain a tie (probably very expensive) from a completely random school to be allowed to carry the casket? Weird.