Author Topic: UPDATED 3.28.14 Rude RSVP Enclosure?  (Read 8075 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #15 on: March 22, 2014, 10:19:41 AM »
Just because kids are "valid members of the family" doesn't mean they get invited. It just means they're related.

And it sounds like all kids were omitted from the wedding so it's not like it was a personal slight against a drama llama.

I never said it was.

I simply said that it might help the OP deal with her anger if she can see someone else's point of view. Even if she doesn't agree with it. (and for the record, I absolute do not agree with the rude RSVP-er.)


gramma dishes

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #16 on: March 22, 2014, 10:28:53 AM »
...   Amazing that the whole family didn't come- might be best to avoid that whole side of the family as much as you can.

That was what I was thinking too.  Strange that no one from that side of the family showed up.  Sounds like all of them are kind of petty.  This time it was 'no kids' at a wedding.  Who knows what will trigger 'next time'?

I agree with the others that you should "play nice" at the funeral events and that you should absolutely avoid any reference to the wedding situation, but I'd also be just a teeny bit wary. 

In other words, watch your back.  :-\

SamiHami

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #17 on: March 22, 2014, 10:33:06 AM »
All you really can do is put a smile on your face and act as though everything is fine. If she brings it up, I would suggest saying something like, "What? Oh, that! Water under the bridge...anyway, how about some bean dip?" In other words, act surprised that she's still on about it and move away from that topic as quickly as possible.

This might be a good time for you to talk to your husband about taking her bait to begin with. If you both had just ignored her aggressive (nothing passive about it) RSVP and put her as a "no" without comment this situation may well not have escalated. It was made worse by him calling her out on it, and worse yet by trying to appease her by ultimately giving in. I'm so glad she didn't come. Can you imagine how awkard and potentially insulting it would have been for your other guests to see her children there, while they had to get a sitter for their own? That would have only made things worse. No good can come from appeasing bullies.

I hope you and your DH work on shining up your backbones; I think your lives will be happier once you learn to stop letting bullies like this cousin upset you.

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GreenBird

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #18 on: March 22, 2014, 11:16:05 AM »
If she brings it up, I wouldn't address anything about the reason she gave for not coming - I wouldn't want to open the door even a crack to that conversation.  I'd stick with, "Yes, we missed having you there, but please don't worry about it.  We have plenty of time to get to know each other!  So, bean dip?" 

Just be glad to meet everyone and express an interest in them, what are their fond memories of grandma, etc.  I think a really good bean dip will be to ask questions designed to get to know people and encourage them to talk about themselves, and hopefully change the focus away from you and on to being able to meet everyone.  (And keep in your back pocket the option of excusing yourself to go find DH, go to the restroom, go get a drink, etc. to give yourself some escape routes also). 

gramma dishes

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #19 on: March 22, 2014, 11:20:05 AM »
...  I'd stick with, "Yes, we missed having you there, but please don't worry about it.  We have plenty of time to get to know each other!  So, bean dip?" 

Oooo ...  I really like this!  It instantly dispels any notion that any kind of apology will be forthcoming (from the OP), but does so in such a nice way. 

Promise

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #20 on: March 22, 2014, 03:39:59 PM »
A lot of time has passed. She's the one that made the stink, not you. You set your boundaries and she wanted to go beyond them. Be respectful and don't bring the subject up. If she does, only talk about how wonderful your wedding was and that it was too bad she CHOSE not to attend. Focus on the funeral. For goodness sake, it's a cousin-in-law who you don't know! It's not like she's close family like your SIL. Also, since she's not directly related to you but to your husband, he's the one who should handle any issues that remain.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #21 on: March 22, 2014, 05:21:02 PM »
That's good advice, thank you. I would never bring it up, I'm more concerned about how I should react if she brings it up. Just say it was an unfortunate situation then move on?

You did not determine who from your DHs family was invited. He did. So stay out of this.

I don't know why an apology was owed to you. She stated why she and her DH were not attending. It wasn't necessary, but sometimes people feel the need to explain. When the RSVP was received, you and your fiancÚ should have shrugged it off. But instead you chose to see the comment as negative about his choice of who to invite.

If she brings it up, use one of the phrases suggested here.


JenJay

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #22 on: March 22, 2014, 05:54:52 PM »
I think it's okay that she didn't want to come without her kids. I think it's ridiculous that her entire extended family then declined because she didn't want to come without her kids.

If she brings it up I would say "We weren't able to invite the kids, your family wasn't able to come without the kids, it happens. I thought Grandma's service was lovely, didn't you?"

Sharpie

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #23 on: March 22, 2014, 06:35:37 PM »
That's good advice, thank you. I would never bring it up, I'm more concerned about how I should react if she brings it up. Just say it was an unfortunate situation then move on?

You did not determine who from your DHs family was invited. He did. So stay out of this.

I don't know why an apology was owed to you. She stated why she and her DH were not attending. It wasn't necessary, but sometimes people feel the need to explain. When the RSVP was received, you and your fiancÚ should have shrugged it off. But instead you chose to see the comment as negative about his choice of who to invite.

If she brings it up, use one of the phrases suggested here.

That's because it *was* a negative comment about their choice of who to invite. And you really don't understand why an apology is owed when someone does something so incredibly rude? Or is it that you don't believe that criticizing someone's guest list is rude?


Thank you, Maria. I appreciate it. Lots of good advice in answers here. Thank you everyone.

poundcake

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #24 on: March 24, 2014, 07:40:01 AM »
I would have a few key phrases ready. There is the possibility that when the cousin told about the no kids issue to her siblings and mother the story could have been changed for more sympathy towards the cousin. Also since 10 months have passed what the actual events were and what is actually remembered could be very different.

This. "I'm sorry, the venue couldn't accommodate children." If she continues, possibly even "*puzzled look* You do understand that not all weddings can include children, don't you?" I had to resort to this with one relative who kept pressing and pressing. "Relative, the venue charges us $XX per person, regardless of age or what they eat. We are on a very tight budget." If I had my eHell phrases then, I would have repeated "I'm sorry, it's not possible. I'm sorry, that won't be possible," every time Relative counter-negotiated with "What about if I pay for them?! But it's faaaaaamily! Weddings are about family!" etc.

You did nothing wrong by not inviting children to your wedding. You don't need to apologize for anything.

Margo

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #25 on: March 24, 2014, 08:18:02 AM »
That's good advice, thank you. I would never bring it up, I'm more concerned about how I should react if she brings it up. Just say it was an unfortunate situation then move on?

You did not determine who from your DHs family was invited. He did. So stay out of this.

I don't know why an apology was owed to you. She stated why she and her DH were not attending. It wasn't necessary, but sometimes people feel the need to explain. When the RSVP was received, you and your fiancÚ should have shrugged it off. But instead you chose to see the comment as negative about his choice of who to invite.

If she brings it up, use one of the phrases suggested here.
The apology was owed because instead of simply declining if she didn't like the terms of the invite, cousin chose to make rude and passive aggressive comments about not being welcome. That was inappropriate and she ought not to have said it, and having said it, she owed Op and her husband an apology.

I think it was an error of judgement for OPs husband to have demanded the apology, as it just kept things going - but cousin did come up with a sort-of-apology so I think the route to take is treat the mater as completely closed.

If cousin brings it up, respond as Greenbird suggests - pretend that any comments about the wedding are what you'd expect from a normal person who had been unable to accept the invitation - mention that you missed them, and hope there will be other events. And then move on.

Smile, be polite, and fail to see an  passive aggressive cuts - if she moans about you not visting, then ignore the moan, but respond about the fact you're seeing her now - e.g.

"you never visit, you're shunning us..."

"It's great we've been able to see you today, despite the sad reason for the gathering."

I would not respond at all to any complaints she makes about the wedding - I would not justify or explain the original decision on who to invite - anything she brings up, just keep the response to "we were sorry you couldn't be there."


nuit93

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #26 on: March 24, 2014, 01:17:14 PM »
I would have a few key phrases ready. There is the possibility that when the cousin told about the no kids issue to her siblings and mother the story could have been changed for more sympathy towards the cousin. Also since 10 months have passed what the actual events were and what is actually remembered could be very different.

This. "I'm sorry, the venue couldn't accommodate children." If she continues, possibly even "*puzzled look* You do understand that not all weddings can include children, don't you?" I had to resort to this with one relative who kept pressing and pressing. "Relative, the venue charges us $XX per person, regardless of age or what they eat. We are on a very tight budget." If I had my eHell phrases then, I would have repeated "I'm sorry, it's not possible. I'm sorry, that won't be possible," every time Relative counter-negotiated with "What about if I pay for them?! But it's faaaaaamily! Weddings are about family!" etc.

You did nothing wrong by not inviting children to your wedding. You don't need to apologize for anything.

I agree with the bolded.  Having an adults-only wedding should not be something one feels the need to apologize for or justify.  The cousin who chose to make a stink about it is in the wrong.

mspallaton

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #27 on: March 24, 2014, 03:12:26 PM »
Just chiming in to add that a cold, but polite "this is neither the time nor the place to discuss this topic" has served me very well in the past.  It is a little chastising, but generally speaking it cuts off the topic very effectively.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #28 on: March 24, 2014, 03:58:35 PM »
That's good advice, thank you. I would never bring it up, I'm more concerned about how I should react if she brings it up. Just say it was an unfortunate situation then move on?

You did not determine who from your DHs family was invited. He did. So stay out of this.

I don't know why an apology was owed to you. She stated why she and her DH were not attending. It wasn't necessary, but sometimes people feel the need to explain. When the RSVP was received, you and your fiancÚ should have shrugged it off. But instead you chose to see the comment as negative about his choice of who to invite.

If she brings it up, use one of the phrases suggested here.

That's because it *was* a negative comment about their choice of who to invite. And you really don't understand why an apology is owed when someone does something so incredibly rude? Or is it that you don't believe that criticizing someone's guest list is rude?

You are correct. In reading it I forgot she made the comment about the children not being welcome. That was a very negative comment. Had she just said "we only attend events as a intact family" then I wouldn't have seen it as negative, just an unusual.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Rude RSVP Enclosure?
« Reply #29 on: March 24, 2014, 09:19:34 PM »
That's good advice, thank you. I would never bring it up, I'm more concerned about how I should react if she brings it up. Just say it was an unfortunate situation then move on?

You did not determine who from your DHs family was invited. He did. So stay out of this.

I don't know why an apology was owed to you. She stated why she and her DH were not attending. It wasn't necessary, but sometimes people feel the need to explain. When the RSVP was received, you and your fiancÚ should have shrugged it off. But instead you chose to see the comment as negative about his choice of who to invite.

If she brings it up, use one of the phrases suggested here.

That's because it *was* a negative comment about their choice of who to invite. And you really don't understand why an apology is owed when someone does something so incredibly rude? Or is it that you don't believe that criticizing someone's guest list is rude?

You are correct. In reading it I forgot she made the comment about the children not being welcome. That was a very negative comment. Had she just said "we only attend events as a intact family" then I wouldn't have seen it as negative, just an unusual.

I would still find that rude.  If I am getting married, I really just need to know if you are coming or not.  I don't want to know that having your children go everywhere with you is more important than celebrating with me on my special day.  Just would rather not know that because for one thing, it kind of pressures me to change my policy.

Also, using the word "intact" makes it seem like I am expecting you to cleave your family in two just to come to my wedding.

She can decline the invitation for whatever reason she chooses, just not a great idea to share what it is and not necessary.