Author Topic: Stealing someone's thunder on FB  (Read 6080 times)

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Coley

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Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« on: March 22, 2014, 09:56:20 AM »
Recently, my youngest stepson proposed to his GF. Neither Jeff nor his fiancee are frequent FB-ers, but they both have accounts and post occasionally. When Allie accepted Jeff's proposal, they didn't run immediately to FB to post about their engagement. Enter my DIL, Michelle.

Michelle and Rob, my oldest stepson, had a baby, Caitlin, a few months ago. Michelle is a very frequent FB-er. She posts a lot of photos of Caitlin. Nearly every day, there are more photos of Caitlin. The day after Allie and Jeff became engaged, Michelle posted a photo of Caitlin with the caption, "Caitlin is so happy to have a new aunt!" And then she congratulated Allie and Jeff on their engagement and tagged them in the photo of Caitlin. I should note: Allie and Jeff live in another state. They've seen Caitlin once since she was born. Caitlin is a baby, and she has no idea what an "aunt" is. So, the idea of Caitlin being happy about a new aunt is kind of silly.

DH and I were not happy that Michelle did this. We thought it wasn't her place to make a FB announcement about Jeff and Allie's engagement. It also seemed opportunistic to use their engagement as another chance to post a photo of Caitlin. Notably, Michelle did the same thing yesterday for some news that involves her sister. Caitlin is thrilled that Michelle's sister successfully defended her dissertation. Fortunately, Michelle's sister had already made her own announcement before Michelle did it. Jeff and Allie didn't get that courtesy.

We saw Jeff and Allie the day after they became engaged. I was there as the two of them tried to decide whether it was still worth posting their own engagement announcement on FB. Allie said, "Well, Michelle tagged us in that photo, so everyone already knows." I suggested that they could change their relationship statuses. That would still be an announcement, but maybe a quieter one. Allie shrugged her shoulders and looked down.  :(

When Michelle and Rob were engaged, no one posted about it before they did. They made a big, splashy announcement with numerous photos of the build-up to the big moment, which culminated in the presentation of the ring, which had several photos all by itself.

When Caitlin was born, no one posted about the birth on FB before Michelle and Rob. As excited as everyone was, we all waited until they made their announcement.

I think it was rude of Michelle to post about Jeff and Allie's engagement before they did. I also have an issue with the way Michelle did it. It seems attention-grabby to me, as if she is looking for an opportunity to post more photos of Caitlin. But more than that, I think she stole Jeff and Allie's thunder. Allie may have had wishes or dreams for how she might post her engagement announcement. She and Jeff may have had plans for how they wanted to do that together. They could still do that ... But it might not feel the same since Michelle announced it.

What do you think?

peaches

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2014, 10:11:01 AM »
I think these people are all grownups, and it would be best for you and DH to stay out of the situation.

If Jeff is upset with what Michelle did, then he can address  it. I wouldn't, though. I would just ignore it and go on from there, giving out whatever enthusiastic announcement I wanted. I'd act like it was news, even if it wasn't. After all, what's to be gained by making a fuss? It would just lead to bad feelings all around, and might cloud what should be a happy time for everyone.

There's another reason why I'd stay out of this, and that's because I'd want to maintain a good
re lationship with my DIL. What she did was thoughtless, but it's not a major crime IMO. And posting frequent pictures and updates about her child - well, that's what Facebook is all about.





TootsNYC

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2014, 10:23:34 AM »
I think these people are all grownups, and it would be best for you and DH to stay out of the situation.

If Jeff is upset with what Michelle did, then he can address  it. I wouldn't, though. I would just ignore it and go on from there, giving out whatever enthusiastic announcement I wanted. I'd act like it was news, even if it wasn't. After all, what's to be gained by making a fuss? It would just lead to bad feelings all around, and might cloud what should be a happy time for everyone.

There's another reason why I'd stay out of this, and that's because I'd want to maintain a good
re lationship with my DIL. What she did was thoughtless, but it's not a major crime IMO. And posting frequent pictures and updates about her child - well, that's what Facebook is all about.

I agree with this.

Very much.

However, I think you could post as a comment to Michelle's: "Did they get a chance to post their exciting news on Facebook for themselves yet, or to tell everyone in person? Maybe you should hold off until they do; I think if you delete a post it removes it from everyone's newsfeed. It is exciting news, isn't it?"

So what you're doing is giving advice to a fellow adult and looping them in to information or a point of view they might not have considered. Then it's between the two of you.

TootsNYC

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2014, 10:25:20 AM »
Oh, and now Jeff is going to "make" people give him wedding presents?  ;)

Coley

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2014, 10:26:03 AM »
Oh, I don't think I said that DH or I want to take some action where Michelle is concerned. It's not for DH or me to intervene. Jeff and Allie can speak with Michelle (or Rob for that matter) if they want to. This isn't the first time Michelle has done this, and I doubt it will be the last.

I do agree that Michelle was thoughtless, and I wondered if it would be perceived by others as rude. DH and I thought it was rude. That was my question.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2014, 10:33:08 AM by Coley »

Coley

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2014, 10:26:31 AM »
Oh, and now Jeff is going to "make" people give him wedding presents?  ;)

HA!  ;D

Coley

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2014, 10:56:03 AM »
I think these people are all grownups, and it would be best for you and DH to stay out of the situation.

If Jeff is upset with what Michelle did, then he can address  it. I wouldn't, though. I would just ignore it and go on from there, giving out whatever enthusiastic announcement I wanted. I'd act like it was news, even if it wasn't. After all, what's to be gained by making a fuss? It would just lead to bad feelings all around, and might cloud what should be a happy time for everyone.

There's another reason why I'd stay out of this, and that's because I'd want to maintain a good
re lationship with my DIL. What she did was thoughtless, but it's not a major crime IMO. And posting frequent pictures and updates about her child - well, that's what Facebook is all about.

I agree with this.

Very much.

However, I think you could post as a comment to Michelle's: "Did they get a chance to post their exciting news on Facebook for themselves yet, or to tell everyone in person? Maybe you should hold off until they do; I think if you delete a post it removes it from everyone's newsfeed. It is exciting news, isn't it?"

So what you're doing is giving advice to a fellow adult and looping them in to information or a point of view they might not have considered. Then it's between the two of you.

Yep, the awkwardness of correcting another adult's manners ... I've never been very comfortable with that. I can see the hurt on one side of the equation (Allie and Jeff) and the over-enthusiasm on the other (Michelle). Michelle's behavior could have relationship consequences with Jeff and Allie. They already perceive her to be self-involved. It would be hard to watch those consequences play out.

TurtleDove

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2014, 11:06:46 AM »
Stay out of it. I am guessing no one really cares, if they even noticed, that Michelle posted first. Making a big deal of this - or any deal at all - would only make the OP look bad.

123sandy

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2014, 11:19:05 AM »
Jeff and Allie should go ahead and post the announcement they want. Nothing is stopping them and surely they have other friends not in common with Michelle?

Venus193

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2014, 11:32:53 AM »
It wasn't Michelle's place to make this announcement and I think Jeff should tell her that.  In person if possible, but not on FB so it doesn't become a FaceBook nightmare for him and his fiancee.

While it is usually a bit of a sticky wicket to correct another adult's manners you have to consider the pattern of behavior:  Michelle has done this before, so she is likely to do it again.  If this is not possible then the only solution I can see to it is to withhold any such information from her until Jeff posts it himself.  If she resents this, too bad.  She created that problem.

Coley

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2014, 12:02:49 PM »
Jeff and Allie should go ahead and post the announcement they want. Nothing is stopping them and surely they have other friends not in common with Michelle?

I hope they will. It was sad to watch them puzzle through whether it was worth it.

123sandy

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #11 on: March 22, 2014, 12:09:44 PM »
Jeff and Allie should go ahead and post the announcement they want. Nothing is stopping them and surely they have other friends not in common with Michelle?

I hope they will. It was sad to watch them puzzle through whether it was worth it.

Definitely worth it. I know I'd want to see a picture of the couple and (I'm nosy) the ring! Congratulations to them.

Coley

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #12 on: March 22, 2014, 12:21:11 PM »
Jeff and Allie should go ahead and post the announcement they want. Nothing is stopping them and surely they have other friends not in common with Michelle?

I hope they will. It was sad to watch them puzzle through whether it was worth it.

Definitely worth it. I know I'd want to see a picture of the couple and (I'm nosy) the ring! Congratulations to them.

Thank you.  :)

MrsVandy

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #13 on: March 22, 2014, 01:37:11 PM »
I think they should still announce it how they want to. They can untag themselves in Michelle's post if they really want to. What Michelle did was rude and thoughtless, and did come off as attention grabbing. If I were in the happy couples situation I would put Michelle on the list of people who get to know important things after I have already posted it on FB.




CinnaMom

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Re: Stealing someone's thunder on FB
« Reply #14 on: March 22, 2014, 02:47:18 PM »
The way I see it, the "Caitlin is so happy to have a new aunt!" line is alright, since only those who were already apprised of the news would have much context for it. Tagging the happy couple in the photo went a step further, and Michelle should have considered how they wanted to make the announcement. I can see it from both points of view-- from the over-enthusiastic oversharer, and the more quiet and reserved couple. At the end of the day, though, the focus should be on the couple and their good news, and while it's unfortunate that they weren't able to control their PR, I think that the amount of "likes" they get, versus how many Michelle poached from them, shouldn't be taken as a measure of anything worthwhile.

The takeaway is that this baby seems to be getting the scoop on everything, and should not be trusted.   ;)