General Etiquette > Techno-quette

s/o stealing someone's thunder on FB...

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checkitnice:
My little brother's fiancee just delivered their son at 34 weeks.  He's doing amazingly well, despite being so early, but her mother is a drama queen.  Aside from causing the poor girl so much stress that she ended up with a c-section ( I came to support my brother and her mom was bawling because she "couldn't bear to see my baby in so much pain"), she's been posting everything on Facebook the second it happens.  She was posting overly dramatic posts (oh the pain, the pain) all day, and then my poor mother found out about the baby's birth from her Facebook page at work, before my brother could even call her.  Bro barely uses FB, and STBSIL doesn't even have it.  Then the mother starts posting pictures of the little guy with wires and tubes hooked everywhere without asking permission.  THEN today I see a very unflattering picture of Bro holding the baby for the first time, he's mid-blink and looks bizarre, and her mom's got it up with editorial everywhere.  Ugh. 

Brother had asked me for advice on how to shut this all down yesterday.  I suggested talking very nicely to her about respecting their privacy at such a stressful time in their lives.  He sent me a copy of the text he sent. 

"When he doesn't have a bunch of cords and tubes hanging out of him to help him breathe, and I can get a good picture of us I will post it.  These are private times.  I call and send pictures to the people I love and care about.  I do not post private moments of my life for the world to see on the internet.  I know you'll understand.  Thank you."

I didn't get a chance to proof it before he sent it but I was proud!  I thought it was very well thought out, especially since bro is a pretty straightforward, my way or the highway, kind of person.

Well she did NOT take it well.  I was browsing facebook earlier and noticed I didn't see any of her earlier posts in my feed.  I texted bro and said "Your text must have worked - no pics."  Yeah, no pics, because she started bawling (again.) and deleted her entire profile. 

I thought he did well!  Was what he said so rude?

Daydream:

--- Quote from: checkitnice on March 23, 2014, 03:08:15 PM ---
I didn't get a chance to proof it before he sent it but I was proud!  I thought it was very well thought out, especially since bro is a pretty straightforward, my way or the highway, kind of person.


--- End quote ---

His text to her reflects that.  I'm not sure if what I quoted above means that you think what he wrote *doesn't* sound straightforward, but I think it does. 

He could have softened it a bit (many people would have) but he didn't need to.  He was in the right and accompished what he wanted.

(Not that he wanted her to delete her account, but if that's what she feels she has to do to restrain her posting impulses, oh well.)

Bales:
The mother was the rude one to post such private pics without permission, and I'm not one that typically thinks permission is needed, but these are delicate circumstances.  I don't see any rudeness at all on your brother's part and I think he did a good job softening the point by saying he's SHARING these moments / pics with people he loves (her), not the world.  The only thing that would have been better is for the fiancÚ to send it instead, since it is her mother, but she's got enough stress right now.  Personally, I'd be glad the mother deleted her account, though we all know it's only temporary. 

TeamBhakta:
I'd be tempted to tell the MIL "So if that behavior is okay today, can we post pics of you hooked up to tubes and monitors if you're ever in a coma or just coming out of surgery ?  ::)"

Margo:
I think in an ideal world he would have talked to her in person rather than by text, but given the situation he is in, and the level of stress he and his partner are under, I think he what he said was just fine .

If she brings it up again then i think he (or his partner, if/when she feels up to it) can say to MiL "This was about our child's birth - we feel that it for us to decide what to share about our baby, and our family life generally. It felt to us that you were taking that away from us, plus you posted pictures of us, and our baby, without asking us first, and that's not OK. We are not saying that you can't take pictures, or that you can't have pictures of BabyName on facebook, but that you need to be a little bit more thoughtful about what, and when you post - in particular, please don't post about our news before we have had a chance to tell our other close relatives and friends."

It might help to use the concrete example you gave - "BabyName's other grandma found out about the C-Section from your facebook post. How would you have felt if it had been the other way round, and you learned something important about us, or Baby, from someone else's facebook page rather than from us? "

if MiL is a boundary trampler generally, then being firm and direct may be essential.

Best wishes for your nephew and his parents.

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