General Etiquette > Life...in general

s/o commenting on appearance- not taking a compliment well.

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mime:
I have to actively keep myself from responding like Kim when I'm complimented.

Often a compliment is a conversation starter, and I'm not good at small talk. When someone says "hey, that's a cute sweater" I search my brain for something to say in addition to "thank you". I feel like "thank you" is absolutely appropriate, but doesn't keep the conversation rolling.

Now I don't know if my upbringing is to blame for this, (sometimes self-put-downs are jokingly called 'Minnesotan', 'Norwegian', 'Midwestern', etc), but the first things that come to mind in response to 'cute sweater' is 'it's just too warm to wear it all day' or 'I think it makes me look pregnant' or something like that. I struggle to come up with something like 'it's my favorite cozy-sweater' or 'I loved the color as soon as I saw it'. My grandmother, queen of inflicting self-deprecating behavior on others, would have scolded me for those latter responses as being boastful!  ::)

Could it be that Kim is also awkward in conversations in general? I know it doesn't make her responses any less off-putting, but it could explain the behavior? I find that some gifted conversationalists have helped me when they say something like 'cute sweater-- I like that shade of blue'. It allows the awkward-me to agree with them and return a positive comment about liking the color, too.

PastryGoddess:

--- Quote from: mime on March 25, 2014, 01:06:10 PM ---I have to actively keep myself from responding like Kim when I'm complimented.

Often a compliment is a conversation starter, and I'm not good at small talk. When someone says "hey, that's a cute sweater" I search my brain for something to say in addition to "thank you". I feel like "thank you" is absolutely appropriate, but doesn't keep the conversation rolling.

Now I don't know if my upbringing is to blame for this, (sometimes self-put-downs are jokingly called 'Minnesotan', 'Norwegian', 'Midwestern', etc), but the first things that come to mind in response to 'cute sweater' is 'it's just too warm to wear it all day' or 'I think it makes me look pregnant' or something like that. I struggle to come up with something like 'it's my favorite cozy-sweater' or 'I loved the color as soon as I saw it'. My grandmother, queen of inflicting self-deprecating behavior on others, would have scolded me for those latter responses as being boastful!  ::)

Could it be that Kim is also awkward in conversations in general? I know it doesn't make her responses any less off-putting, but it could explain the behavior? I find that some gifted conversationalists have helped me when they say something like 'cute sweater-- I like that shade of blue'. It allows the awkward-me to agree with them and return a positive comment about liking the color, too.



--- End quote ---

This was me a few years ago.  So now I say thank you and then throw in why I liked it or why I brought it.  So I'll say Thank you, these shoes were so cute on the shelf. Thank you, I couldn't resist the color.  Thank you, this was on sale for X% off.  Stuff like that. The more I did it, the more comfortable I became with accepting compliments. 

Some people will continue the conversation, but most people drop it since they just wanted to drop a compliment. 

TOLady:
I have many much younger friends, and having had body image issues myself in the past, am aware of their discomfort when I compliment them.

In a "mentoring" role, I have been able to bring quite a few of my younger friends to the point where they now simply say "Thank you!" and take it as the compliment it is meant as.

Quite a few of them were just so unused to being complimented, they were just putting themselves down before someone else could do it  :-[.

Vall:
There was a time--I don't remember if it was when I was in my teens or twenties--when I used to respond like Kim.  Then I either heard or read a comment similar to yours.  What I do remember clearly is that a light bulb went off and I realized that I should simply say "Thank you" for compliments.  I had to re-train myself in how to properly accept a compliment.  Before that, I didn't realize how negative that I had been.

I don't see anything wrong with gently bringing up the topic with someone who may not realize how negative they're being.  But I would only bring up the topic once.  After that, if they continue being negative, I would simply stop complimenting them.

whatsanenigma:

--- Quote from: Vall on March 25, 2014, 01:35:08 PM ---There was a time--I don't remember if it was when I was in my teens or twenties--when I used to respond like Kim.  Then I either heard or read a comment similar to yours.  What I do remember clearly is that a light bulb went off and I realized that I should simply say "Thank you" for compliments.  I had to re-train myself in how to properly accept a compliment.  Before that, I didn't realize how negative that I had been.

I don't see anything wrong with gently bringing up the topic with someone who may not realize how negative they're being.  But I would only bring up the topic once.  After that, if they continue being negative, I would simply stop complimenting them.

--- End quote ---

I agree with this.  I had to have the "light bulb moment" also.  I still feel awkward stopping at "thank you" so I will usually add a little filler, like mentioned above, about where I got it or what drew me to it on the shelf or if it was a gift from somebody or what.

And I also agree with trying to explain this to her one time.  If it doesn't work, just stop complimenting.  If she says anything about this, just say (sincerely) that you have the impression that complimenting her is making her uncomfortable so you have stopped.  Then, go from there.

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