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Author Topic: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?  (Read 9733 times)

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Yvaine

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #45 on: March 27, 2014, 09:52:56 AM »
The hardest "no modern conveniences" experience I had was with a house that technically actually had them, it was just so poorly maintained that it was pretty much unusable. I have a really, really high mess tolerance, as background. But this acquaintance--there were horrible things encrusted on the toilet and bathroom sink, three rarely-cleaned litterboxes, cat landmines on the carpet because even the cats were sick of the litterboxes, and a garbage can in the middle of the living room that had been full for months but the acquaintance just kept chucking stuff in its general direction, so it looked like a trash volcano erupted. I first started avoiding drinking fluids if I was going over there, so as to avoid needing the restroom, and then had to stop going altogether due to my allergies. Through the grapevine (and yes it was probably my fault for having confided in anyone at all) it got back to her why I stopped going, and I got accused of being shallow and only concerned with appearances.

OP, that staircase sounds literally like something out of my nightmares. Yikes!

darkprincess

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #46 on: March 27, 2014, 04:53:46 PM »
DH, daughter, and I were invited to visit and stay with an old high school friend of his. When we got there we discovered that the invite was to stay in travel trailer/RV/5th wheeler where the bathrooms were not usuable and there was not electricty. Basically we were camping but sort of inside. If we needed to use the restroom at night we would leave the trailer walk the 200 yards through the wooded backyard, enter their house that was guarded by their 3 very big loud dogs who did not know us, and then walk back to the trailer. They did let us know that mountain lions were commonly seen at night so keep our eyes out for them. We are early risers, they sleep in. After one night I told husband that we needed to go to a hotel.
I would not have minded the floor in the leaving room, except for the dogs, but I need access to a bathroom that is not guarded by dogs.

One other modern convenience I need is access to coffee. I was invited on a road trip with some family who are morally opposed to coffee. I offered to drive and use my car because I knew from past experience that if I we used their car they would refuse to stop at a coffee shop. We would have been staying one night at their friends house that was also morally opposed to coffee so if they drove I would not get coffee until we stopped for lunch at a diner or found a tourist trap to convince them to stop at. Of course then they would spend the next hour telling me the evils of coffee ::) I don't need the host to provide the coffee I just need the ability to go on my own to get some.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #47 on: March 27, 2014, 05:14:23 PM »
Of course, I'm not imagining a ten minute walk that's over difficult terrain, but the OP just said 'unpaved road'. I stand by my conviction that most folk could manage that. If you can't walk for ten minutes in your shoes, then you shouldn't be wearing them. However, I know that's just my opinion! My sister frequently wears shoes that neccessitate using me as a human crutch if she actually wants to walk anywhere. Now I think that's stupid, but whatever.

I agree that a 10 minute walk in majority of circumstances wouldn't be difficult. But my first memory was going to a afternoon wedding in 100 degree heat with 85% humidity (normal Houston August weather) wearing heels. The closest parking for the venue they had selected was 10 minute walk along a sidewalk next to a black asphalt road with no shade. We were drenched when we arrived to a thankfully cool bed and breakfast. But for the entire afternoon I could smell that sweaty smell on everyone, mostly me. We left early because I couldn't wait to get home to take a shower.

ladyknight1

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #48 on: March 27, 2014, 05:47:24 PM »
I remember going to my grandmother's house, that wasn't set up properly for modern plumbing needs. We finally started staying at my great-grandmother's house, then would visit my grandmother just for short times.

The garbage thing is pretty strange to me still.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

kherbert05

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #49 on: March 27, 2014, 06:26:28 PM »
I have actually invited people to a similar situation at our farm they are always warned.

1. Turn off the FM road to a dirt road. Get to the "end" of the dirt road -- go through the gate follow the track to the 2nd gate, go through 2nd gate park near the barn. One of my cousins had a guest at a party throw a total fit because her car couldn't get down the track. Guest was a SS in my book because she had been warned to bring their truck not collector sports car with no clearence.

2. No AC and heat is a bondfire

3. Ground is uneven because of @#*$#($&(@&$ Feral hogs we are trying to get rid of them.

4. Drinks/Food if we are have a party we have coolers full of drinks and we either grill or have crock pot chili. If it is hey we are going to hang out at the farm Saturday, call us and bring the kids if you want to go - bring your own cooler and picnic. We have a sink but it is well water. We have it tested and it is portable - but we don't drink it. Even when my cousins are having a party I bring my own cooler. For kids parties they tend to do water/juice/those packets you flavor water with that are always sugar free. I need my allergy meds and caffeine at the kids birthday parties to keep breathing. Cousins don't care - as in they call me and tell me to bring cokes for me. I also throw in milk for Brett because he doesn't drink juices.

5. Chairs
A - Formal event like cousin's wedding we rent them
B - Party/hang out hey if you want to be comfortable bring your beach/lawn chair. We have mismatched plastic outside chairs picked up from various garage sales or similar. They aren't comfortable.

6 - Fairy lights, flash lights, and bonfire only source of light after dark - honestly few if any nonfamily members stay that late. Oh we turn on the cars and headlights during clean up.

7. We warn them about wildlife cameras.
Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future

PastryGoddess

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #50 on: March 27, 2014, 08:00:14 PM »
7. We warn them about wildlife cameras.

hehehe :D

Sophia

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #51 on: March 27, 2014, 10:10:14 PM »
My mother is still grumpy about my wedding shower at my MIL's.   My MIL has a house in Dallas without central air, just two window units, and the house isn't that small.  That is very odd for this area.  It is an older house, and she was always cold in her childhood, so she likes a warmer temp than most people.  She turned the window unit to max but it only able to get the house down to 78.  I don't think my mother was the only one unhappy, because people kept asking me if I wasn't too warm.  I knew there was nothing MIL could do, so I kept saying I was fine.     

Lynn2000

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #52 on: March 28, 2014, 10:06:09 AM »
I'm glad the OP provided some examples, I was having a hard time imagining situations. :)

The first scenario, with the grandparents having no lights yet still hosting winter holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, seems rude to me--"the family all sat around in an ever-darkening room having conversations with people we could no longer see." It seems more like an absurd thing you do to humor the leaders of your family, and as long as the party wrapped up around dark, I guess it probably wasn't too bad for anyone. But still rude.

I think the garbage thing is rude, in this scenario. "The host just thought garbage in the house was "icky". As I understand, the host takes her garbage to a collection site 1-2 times a day as needed (after cooking or cleaning, I suppose?)." I guess I don't know about other people, but I tend to generate garbage throughout the day, so this suggests to me that the host has a temporary place to put garbage (like a plastic grocery bag), which she then walks to the collection site once or twice a day. Given that she does this herself, I think she ought to have provided similar temporary places to put garbage for her guests, which she would then walk to the collection site after the party. In other words, I see this as rude because while the host is willing to do X for herself, she is not willing to do X for her guests, yet she still invites people to a party.

I do think people ought to think about logistics such as parking and walking distance when hosting a gathering. A location that's perfectly accessible to the host's family, and the first couple of guests, may become onerous by the time the 20th guest has to park three blocks away and walk over uneven sidewalks, in the dark. I can see this as one of those things that people might not think about at first, perhaps only realizing the problem once the event has started. However, if that's happened to them once, they should do what they can to alleviate it the next time they host a party, especially if it's one where people are expected to dress up and thus might not be wearing shoes that can do anything difficult.

I do think that leaving steps icy, when they're the main way people are going to get into your house, goes beyond rude to dangerous. Keeping high-traffic areas safe--clean, obstacle-free, well-lit--is a pretty basic part of hosting, IMO, and not something where the host should say, "Well, the people who live in the house and walk through here every day know to be careful, so everyone else should too."

The other scenarios don't bother me too much. Pillows on the floor counting as furniture seems pretty common to me as a college student experience, though the host should consider their particular guests and situation, of course--it's one thing for your same-aged friends and a TV marathon, quite another for multiple generations of your family and a graduation party. With no AC/heat, I've found that this is so much a matter of personal taste that it can be hard to please everyone. I do think a host should think about it, though, and do something like providing warmer/cooler areas for the more sensitive guests. For example, in the summer my family members often host gatherings that are meant to be primarily outdoors in their backyard. But, when I get too hot, I can go inside for a while, where it's cooler. If that wasn't allowed or the house was no cooler than outdoors, I wouldn't be staying very long.

For me the big thing is attitude. If someone has the attitude, "This is the way I live and my guests can just suck it up and live that way, too," I don't think that's very polite. I think it's expected that people will go the extra step for their invited guests--the house will be cleaner than they usually keep it, there will be more food and drink on hand than they usually have, they will have thought about where all these extra people are going to park and sit and throw their trash away. It just seems, at best, totally clueless if the host thinks they can invite 20-30 extra people to come to their house, and make absolutely no modification to anything.
~Lynn2000

ladyknight1

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #53 on: March 28, 2014, 10:52:34 AM »
I have many personal quirks that I acknowledge.

I do not subject them to guests.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

saki

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #54 on: March 28, 2014, 03:27:39 PM »
I agree with the person a bit boggled by the 10 minute walk being problematic.

For me, the one that really leaps out at me is the lack of heating one.  I really feel the cold and I'm pretty miserable when I'm chilled to the bone.  I went to a wedding recently which was lovely, just a really awesome wedding, but the heating was completely inadequate and the main thing I remember is having been extremely cold all day.  Layers only work to some extent for me so, even if warned, I'd end up cold if the temperature was below 20 degrees C and I was there for a while. 

I think, basically, the examples given come down for me to warning guests about it before they accept the invitation.

As an aside, I was certainly assuming re: cushions on the floor that it would be possible to move them - for at least some of the time - to a wall so you could lean back for a bit. 

Yvaine

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #55 on: March 28, 2014, 03:38:53 PM »
I agree with the person a bit boggled by the 10 minute walk being problematic.

There have actually been multiple posts explaining the potential issues with the walk. Even leaving out medical needs, the walk can be problematic if it's muddy or people are in dress shoes or (as in the OP's later post) it's 40 steps covered in ice. We're not necessarily talking about 10 minutes walking on a flat, clean sidewalk in sneakers in good weather here. I don't think there's any need to be boggled and it kind of comes off as snarky.

CakeEater

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #56 on: March 28, 2014, 04:39:59 PM »
POD to both of Yvaine's posts.

Tea Drinker

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #57 on: March 28, 2014, 06:40:40 PM »
OK, now that we have the specifics: I am not at all sure how I would deal with Ms. No Trash Cans. Garbage in the house may be "icky," but that same garbage put in my pocket or bag is at least as icky. If I sneeze unexpectedly while riding a bus, I will carry my tissue (probably in a bit of my bag that I don't use for anything except trash) until I get to a trash can. If I'm visiting someone's home, I expect them to have trash cans--maybe not a lot of them, and I'm willing to walk over to another room if necessary to throw away a used tissue, but I would feel unwelcome if someone made it clear that they preferred making me carry a used tissue around for several hours to providing a trashcan anywhere in their home.

I won't say that someone who is that fastidious should never host a party: but I will say that they should warn anyone they invite beforehand. "Just so you know, I'm rather particularly about tidiness and trash, so I'm going to have to ask you to bring a plastic trash bag and carry any tissues, cough drop wrappers, or other trash out with you." Otherwise, one possibility is that she hosts someone whose own fastidiousness is such that they can't bear to touch a used tissue, so they drop it on the floor and then move to another part of the room where they won't have to look at it. (The other examples you give seem less problematic, in the sense that inviting someone else who lives the way they do won't make it worse. The person who doesn't heat the home what I would consider adequately? Anyone who keeps his own home at the same temperature will probably be unfazed. Ditto for the grandparents being invited to stay with someone else who has no lights in their home.)
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saki

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #58 on: March 29, 2014, 04:30:48 AM »
I agree with the person a bit boggled by the 10 minute walk being problematic.

There have actually been multiple posts explaining the potential issues with the walk. Even leaving out medical needs, the walk can be problematic if it's muddy or people are in dress shoes or (as in the OP's later post) it's 40 steps covered in ice. We're not necessarily talking about 10 minutes walking on a flat, clean sidewalk in sneakers in good weather here. I don't think there's any need to be boggled and it kind of comes off as snarky.

Of course, 40 steps in ice requires a warning (and probably mud too) but several people were posting about a 10 min walk being a problem that should be flagged before they even knew anything about the conditions, just on the basis of it being 10 minutes.  I'm genuinely just really surprised about that and I don't think any of my friends in real life (who don't have a disability) would even notice that (but we live in London and very few people in our social circle drive regularly.)

CakeEater

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Re: Hosting without the modern conveniences -- rude?
« Reply #59 on: March 29, 2014, 05:05:01 AM »
I agree with the person a bit boggled by the 10 minute walk being problematic.

There have actually been multiple posts explaining the potential issues with the walk. Even leaving out medical needs, the walk can be problematic if it's muddy or people are in dress shoes or (as in the OP's later post) it's 40 steps covered in ice. We're not necessarily talking about 10 minutes walking on a flat, clean sidewalk in sneakers in good weather here. I don't think there's any need to be boggled and it kind of comes off as snarky.

Of course, 40 steps in ice requires a warning (and probably mud too) but several people were posting about a 10 min walk being a problem that should be flagged before they even knew anything about the conditions, just on the basis of it being 10 minutes.  I'm genuinely just really surprised about that and I don't think any of my friends in real life (who don't have a disability) would even notice that (but we live in London and very few people in our social circle drive regularly.)

I just reread the entire thread and I can't find anyone who said that just a 10 minute walk would be a huge issue. In fact, everyone who said it could be a problem specifically talked about rough/muddy/unpaved roads, and potentially dressy shoes, or injured guests that the hosts didn't know were injured (eg. recently twisted ankle).

Can you point me towards the poster who talked about a ten minute walk on its own being a huge issue?