Wedding Bliss and Blues > Par-Tay!

Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation

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rigs32:
It finally happened to me - a shower invitation when I will not be invited to the wedding.

Received the invite yesterday.  It started with a request to join the bride for a combination spa day and shower.  Ok, so does that mean I'll be provided with a spa service?  Expected to purchase one?  Expected to purchase one AND chip in for the bride?  PLUS bring a gift?

At the bottom, it's indicated that their "local reception" is expected to be scheduled in the future.  Wait, what?  I start asking around.  Turns out they will be getting married near the city where they live.  Fine, I get that.  But the wedding is immediate family only.  And they MAY have a reception later on in the bride's hometown.

Uh, no, sorry.  You make that choice, you don't get two gifts from me when I don't even get an invitation to the wedding.  I will give a modest gift IF they have a local reception and I attend.  But I'm not giving up a Saturday for this unexplained spa day shower combo.

This is a relative of my SO and his family sees nothing off kilter about this.  I immediately called and told him my position in case others bug him why I'm choosing not to shower them with gifts.  Thankfully, he agrees with me. 

turnip:
I'm not entirely sure I understand .   OK - a spa-day shower may be weird ( I wouldn't be sure who is paying for what either ) but it sounds like they are planning a small wedding in another city, and then a larger reception in the city you live in.  I guess I don't see that as so odd - isn't it a pretty common suggestion to keep all your guests from traveling?


Does a local-reception without a ceremony mean you can't have a shower?   I'm asking honestly - it is not immediately apparent to me that the answer is 'no'. 

TootsNYC:
I think "join the bride for a spa day" is clear-ish to me--I'd assume I'm paying for my own way and and a portion of the bride's. And that's what I'd make my decision on.

But I would also think that if I'm invited to join the bride for a spa day, I should be pretty darned close to her--close enough that I shouldn't have to call around to find out their wedding plans.

HannahGrace:
I don't know, a spa day sounds kind of fun.  I'm not sure I see the insult here.

turnip:

--- Quote from: TootsNYC on March 26, 2014, 01:13:05 PM ---I think "join the bride for a spa day" is clear-ish to me--I'd assume I'm paying for my own way and and a portion of the bride's. And that's what I'd make my decision on.

But I would also think that if I'm invited to join the bride for a spa day, I should be pretty darned close to her--close enough that I shouldn't have to call around to find out their wedding plans.

--- End quote ---

You may be right.  I've no idea what a spa-day shower entails - maybe it's all hosted, in which case awesome! I'm totally in.  But if it involves spending a few hundred bucks on services for myself and the bride on top of a present-opening extravaganza, then I'd find that pretty off-putting unless we were close and I involved in the planning.  ( I have done Vegas weekend trips with brides, which aren't cheap obviously - but I was in the bridal party and consulted on what we should do and how we should plan it.  I wouldn't do it for a distant relative of my husband's )

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