Author Topic: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation  (Read 5583 times)

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rigs32

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Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« on: March 26, 2014, 01:01:24 PM »
It finally happened to me - a shower invitation when I will not be invited to the wedding.

Received the invite yesterday.  It started with a request to join the bride for a combination spa day and shower.  Ok, so does that mean I'll be provided with a spa service?  Expected to purchase one?  Expected to purchase one AND chip in for the bride?  PLUS bring a gift?

At the bottom, it's indicated that their "local reception" is expected to be scheduled in the future.  Wait, what?  I start asking around.  Turns out they will be getting married near the city where they live.  Fine, I get that.  But the wedding is immediate family only.  And they MAY have a reception later on in the bride's hometown.

Uh, no, sorry.  You make that choice, you don't get two gifts from me when I don't even get an invitation to the wedding.  I will give a modest gift IF they have a local reception and I attend.  But I'm not giving up a Saturday for this unexplained spa day shower combo.

This is a relative of my SO and his family sees nothing off kilter about this.  I immediately called and told him my position in case others bug him why I'm choosing not to shower them with gifts.  Thankfully, he agrees with me. 

turnip

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2014, 01:11:37 PM »
I'm not entirely sure I understand .   OK - a spa-day shower may be weird ( I wouldn't be sure who is paying for what either ) but it sounds like they are planning a small wedding in another city, and then a larger reception in the city you live in.  I guess I don't see that as so odd - isn't it a pretty common suggestion to keep all your guests from traveling?


Does a local-reception without a ceremony mean you can't have a shower?   I'm asking honestly - it is not immediately apparent to me that the answer is 'no'. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2014, 01:13:05 PM »
I think "join the bride for a spa day" is clear-ish to me--I'd assume I'm paying for my own way and and a portion of the bride's. And that's what I'd make my decision on.

But I would also think that if I'm invited to join the bride for a spa day, I should be pretty darned close to her--close enough that I shouldn't have to call around to find out their wedding plans.

HannahGrace

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2014, 01:13:51 PM »
I don't know, a spa day sounds kind of fun.  I'm not sure I see the insult here.

turnip

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2014, 01:17:38 PM »
I think "join the bride for a spa day" is clear-ish to me--I'd assume I'm paying for my own way and and a portion of the bride's. And that's what I'd make my decision on.

But I would also think that if I'm invited to join the bride for a spa day, I should be pretty darned close to her--close enough that I shouldn't have to call around to find out their wedding plans.

You may be right.  I've no idea what a spa-day shower entails - maybe it's all hosted, in which case awesome! I'm totally in.  But if it involves spending a few hundred bucks on services for myself and the bride on top of a present-opening extravaganza, then I'd find that pretty off-putting unless we were close and I involved in the planning.  ( I have done Vegas weekend trips with brides, which aren't cheap obviously - but I was in the bridal party and consulted on what we should do and how we should plan it.  I wouldn't do it for a distant relative of my husband's )

Luci

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2014, 01:23:40 PM »
I think your choice is fine.

RSVP vague shower-spa invitation with not excuses, just, "Thank you, I will be unable to attend". ('Spa' gives a whole new meaning to 'shower', doesn't it?  ;D )

Don't expect to be invited to the wedding - I really understand why they want a small one. That one I would not worry about, but I know many do.

Only send a gift IF invited to reception and you attend.

I truly hope the rest of the interactions with you SO's family are more acceptable to you and society!

I don't know, a spa day sounds kind of fun.  I'm not sure I see the insult here.

I think it's assuming someone the bride barely knows to will give up a whole day for the event. Plus being that intimate with people not known is kind of - creepy? I wouldn't have done it even when I was young and a swimmer.

« Last Edit: March 26, 2014, 01:26:28 PM by Luci45 »

Yvaine

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2014, 01:24:52 PM »
I'm also wondering if the "spa day" is really MLM. Does the invitation mention an actual spa?

HannahGrace

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2014, 01:29:38 PM »
I think your choice is fine.

RSVP vague shower-spa invitation with not excuses, just, "Thank you, I will be unable to attend". ('Spa' gives a whole new meaning to 'shower', doesn't it?  ;D )

Don't expect to be invited to the wedding - I really understand why they want a small one. That one I would not worry about, but I know many do.

Only send a gift IF invited to reception and you attend.

I truly hope the rest of the interactions with you SO's family are more acceptable to you and society!

I don't know, a spa day sounds kind of fun.  I'm not sure I see the insult here.

I think it's assuming someone the bride barely knows to will give up a whole day for the event. Plus being that intimate with people not known is kind of - creepy? I wouldn't have done it even when I was young and a swimmer.

I was thinking of spa day like getting a facial or manicure or something, not being naked in a hot tub.  I also don't think an invitation is assuming you will do anything - it is inviting you to join someone for an activity they think will be fun.  If you don't, you're free to decline, but I don't think it's presumptuous to offer the invitation.  If the bride got upset at declines, that's one thing, but so far all we know is she sent an invitation to the spouse/partner of a family member to join her for an event.

Luci

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #8 on: March 26, 2014, 01:39:31 PM »
I think your choice is fine.

RSVP vague shower-spa invitation with not excuses, just, "Thank you, I will be unable to attend". ('Spa' gives a whole new meaning to 'shower', doesn't it?  ;D )

Don't expect to be invited to the wedding - I really understand why they want a small one. That one I would not worry about, but I know many do.

Only send a gift IF invited to reception and you attend.

I truly hope the rest of the interactions with you SO's family are more acceptable to you and society!

I don't know, a spa day sounds kind of fun.  I'm not sure I see the insult here.

I think it's assuming someone the bride barely knows to will give up a whole day for the event. Plus being that intimate with people not known is kind of - creepy? I wouldn't have done it even when I was young and a swimmer.

I was thinking of spa day like getting a facial or manicure or something, not being naked in a hot tub.  I also don't think an invitation is assuming you will do anything - it is inviting you to join someone for an activity they think will be fun.  If you don't, you're free to decline, but I don't think it's presumptuous to offer the invitation.  If the bride got upset at declines, that's one thing, but so far all we know is she sent an invitation to the spouse/partner of a family member to join her for an event.

Oh, I agree that she can just quietly decline. I still think sitting around with facial masks and trying to socialize while getting a massage is intimate.

I think of "spa day" as those, not just a facial and manicure, which is still a little too friendly. Otherwise, call it a '3 hour facial and manicure", not 'day'.

ladyknight1

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #9 on: March 26, 2014, 01:40:11 PM »
It would make sense for only people close to the bride to attend the spa day/shower. I would be confused about what level of participation is expected.

  • Guest just attends the day of, pays for their own treatments and spends time with the bride.
  • Guest shows up, and is expected to pay for the brides treatments?
  • Guest is expected to pay for their own and the brides treatments as well as bring a gift?

I am also interested to know if this is at an established spa or at someone's home.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #10 on: March 26, 2014, 01:46:08 PM »
I'm also wondering if the "spa day" is really MLM. Does the invitation mention an actual spa?


I was wondering something similar. If the invite was to a local spa or were they hiring a manicurist or other esthetician to come to the shower to provide services. I don't know very many spas that could accommodate 20 plus guests at the same time unless they were closed to other clients.

Yvaine

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #11 on: March 26, 2014, 01:47:55 PM »
I'm also wondering if the "spa day" is really MLM. Does the invitation mention an actual spa?


I was wondering something similar. If the invite was to a local spa or were they hiring a manicurist or other esthetician to come to the shower to provide services. I don't know very many spas that could accommodate 20 plus guests at the same time unless they were closed to other clients.

That also jives with the inviting of near-strangers. The only time I was invited to the shower of someone I didn't know, and to whose wedding I was not invited, was when somebody was selling adult toys and wanted to cast a wide net for customers. "Spa day" makes me think they're selling makeup in this case instead of adult toys, but the business model is the same.

shhh its me

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #12 on: March 26, 2014, 02:01:53 PM »
Leaving the confusion about the spa day aside.  I think as long as they actually do have a local reception its not rude to invite you to a shower. 

I'm not sure if a spa day shower is rude. (this is assuming you have to pay your own way. I would find it very rude to have to buy my own lunch at a shower)

peaches

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #13 on: March 26, 2014, 02:19:13 PM »
The problem with spa showers (at least the ones I've heard about) is that attendees are expected to pay for the services they use. I don't like showers where attendees have to pay for food or entertainment, in addition to a gift. Plus, spas can be very expensive.

While a destination wedding isn't rude, I think it's problematic to have showers before a wedding people can't go to. 

A reception is a separate issue. If I received an invitation to a wedding reception and planned to attend, I'd send a gift to the couple before the party.   



« Last Edit: March 26, 2014, 02:20:59 PM by peaches »

cattlekid

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Re: Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation
« Reply #14 on: March 26, 2014, 02:29:21 PM »
I was invited to a bridal spa day once.  My husband was the best man for this particular wedding and we are godparents/sponsors for the bride and the couple's two children.  This was not a case of "I barely know the bride".   

The spa day was at a well-known local spa.  Each person had to call a specific coordinator and set up the times for the services they wanted to ensure that all times would coordinate.  We each paid for our own services and the bride paid for her own as well.  The plan was to go to dinner afterwards and I totally expected to cover my share of the bride's meal.   No gifts were mentioned at any point in time.  Unfortunately, circumstances intervened and I was unable to attend. 

In my case, it was more the idea of "hey, I want to go to the spa and boy wouldn't it be fun for us all to do it together ahead of the wedding if anyone else is down with it" rather than "a shower by another name".