Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation

[rigs32]

OP here.

There was registry information in the invitation, so they are expecting gift.

The event is at a place I did not recognize, so I do not know if it's a hall or a spa, but definitely not in someone's home.  There was zero information about cost/expectations/etc.

If this was for a traditional wedding, I would be confused, but would just accept or decline upon further information.

Some of you seem to think I'm to rigid, but I thought shower guests were supposed to be invited to a wedding.  AT least, that's what I've read on every bridal etiquette site.  This is not a destination wedding I cannot attend, I am being told I am NOT invited and they MIGHT choose to have a local reception later.  I equate this to an elopement - part of that choice is giving up some of the trappings of a traditional wedding.  It just seems convenient to me - you don't want to host others for your wedding, but you still want to be showered with gifts.

ETA - if this was a spa day for the bride to spend time getting pampers with the women in her life, I would think it was a fabulous idea.  It's the shower addition that doesn't sit well with me, especially since I had to find out through back channels that a wedding invite would not be forthcoming.  I would have assumed it was based on the shower invite.

[HannahGrace]

OP here.

There was registry information in the invitation, so they are expecting gift.

The event is at a place I did not recognize, so I do not know if it's a hall or a spa, but definitely not in someone's home.  There was zero information about cost/expectations/etc.

If this was for a traditional wedding, I would be confused, but would just accept or decline upon further information.

Some of you seem to think I'm to rigid, but I thought shower guests were supposed to be invited to a wedding.  AT least, that's what I've read on every bridal etiquette site.  This is not a destination wedding I cannot attend, I am being told I am NOT invited and they MIGHT choose to have a local reception later.  I equate this to an elopement - part of that choice is giving up some of the trappings of a traditional wedding.  It just seems convenient to me - you don't want to host others for your wedding, but you still want to be showered with gifts.

ETA - if this was a spa day for the bride to spend time getting pampers with the women in her life, I would think it was a fabulous idea.  It's the shower addition that doesn't sit well with me, especially since I had to find out through back channels that a wedding invite would not be forthcoming.  I would have assumed it was based on the shower invite.

I think we're on the same page then.  The spa thing wasn't offensive to me as a "let's have a fun girls day - I'm getting married and it's an excuse to take some time and plan a little get together."  But registry info means she really is expecting gifts too, and that's a bit much for people who aren't invited to the wedding.  I'm not even letting my friends who ARE invited to my wedding throw me a shower, because I'm not a shower/gift person, and there's no way in heck I would let someone plan a spa day / shower with registry enclosure for people who aren't invited.

[turnip]

OP here.

There was registry information in the invitation, so they are expecting gift.

The event is at a place I did not recognize, so I do not know if it's a hall or a spa, but definitely not in someone's home.  There was zero information about cost/expectations/etc.

If this was for a traditional wedding, I would be confused, but would just accept or decline upon further information.

Some of you seem to think I'm to rigid, but I thought shower guests were supposed to be invited to a wedding.  AT least, that's what I've read on every bridal etiquette site.  This is not a destination wedding I cannot attend, I am being told I am NOT invited and they MIGHT choose to have a local reception later.  I equate this to an elopement - part of that choice is giving up some of the trappings of a traditional wedding.  It just seems convenient to me - you don't want to host others for your wedding, but you still want to be showered with gifts.

ETA - if this was a spa day for the bride to spend time getting pampers with the women in her life, I would think it was a fabulous idea.  It's the shower addition that doesn't sit well with me, especially since I had to find out through back channels that a wedding invite would not be forthcoming.  I would have assumed it was based on the shower invite.

I'd probably decline the shower for the 'spa day' reasons - it just sounds like it could run into more time and money than I'd be willing to spend on someone I don't know well.

However re: the bolded.  I think I'd be OK with a shower invite followed by a reception invite.  To throw out scenarios, some religions don't allow non-members into their venues.  If a 'purple' friend of mine couldn't invite me to her wedding because I'm 'green', but invited me to the reception afterward, I wouldn't be bothered if she invited me to a shower too.

But perhaps traditional etiquette would disagree?  I really don't know - I don't think I've seen the specific question addressed.

[Twik]

The reception is usually considered part of the wedding. In fact, in traditional etiquette you can't be "invited" to a church wedding, because it's held in God's House. You can simply be informed of when it is. If you're invited to the reception you have been invited to all that traditional Western etiquette allowed you to be invited to, prior to relaxation of rules that the ceremony had to be in a church.

But a theoretical, possible reception afterwards doesn't count, in my opinion.

[TootsNYC]

The reception is usually considered part of the wedding. In fact, in traditional etiquette you can't be "invited" to a church wedding, because it's held in God's House. You can simply be informed of when it is. If you're invited to the reception you have been invited to all that traditional Western etiquette allowed you to be invited to, prior to relaxation of rules that the ceremony had to be in a church.

But a theoretical, possible reception afterwards doesn't count, in my opinion.

Then what is "request the honor of your presence"? I guess that's not "invited you to"/ And "request the pleasure of your company" (traditionally reserved for non-church weddings) -is- an invitation?

[HannahGrace]

The reception is usually considered part of the wedding. In fact, in traditional etiquette you can't be "invited" to a church wedding, because it's held in God's House. You can simply be informed of when it is. If you're invited to the reception you have been invited to all that traditional Western etiquette allowed you to be invited to, prior to relaxation of rules that the ceremony had to be in a church.

But a theoretical, possible reception afterwards doesn't count, in my opinion.

Then what is "request the honor of your presence"? I guess that's not "invited you to"/ And "request the pleasure of your company" (traditionally reserved for non-church weddings) -is- an invitation?

Wait, the wording of invitations is different depending on whether the event is happening in a church or not?  I had no idea.  I'm not sure yet which we are going to use, but does it really matter?

[TootsNYC]

Depends on what you mean by "does it matter"?

Does any of it matter?

Nobody's going to arrest you. Lots of people won't even notice.

But if you want to follow the finer points of etiquette, you use "honor of your presence" for ceremonies held in a house of worship, and "pleasure of your company" for ceremonies (even religious ones, I think) held in a secular venue.

[HannahGrace]

Wow, that's crazy ... I've been to a ton of weddings in my day but I've never heard that about the wording.  Guess I will investigate if there is special wording for an art museum

[turnip]

Depends on what you mean by "does it matter"?

Does any of it matter?

Nobody's going to arrest you. Lots of people won't even notice.

But if you want to follow the finer points of etiquette, you use "honor of your presence" for ceremonies held in a house of worship, and "pleasure of your company" for ceremonies (even religious ones, I think) held in a secular venue.

That sounds right to me.  I think it relates to both the idea that a house of worship is <deity's> venue, not yours, so you don't truly host there - and also that traditionally all members of a parish may attend ceremonies at that parish, whether or not they've received an invite.   "Honor of your presence" is a kind of shorthand for "you could come whether or not we invited you, but we'd especially like you to be there".   

[shhh its me]

The reception is usually considered part of the wedding. In fact, in traditional etiquette you can't be "invited" to a church wedding, because it's held in God's House. You can simply be informed of when it is. If you're invited to the reception you have been invited to all that traditional Western etiquette allowed you to be invited to, prior to relaxation of rules that the ceremony had to be in a church.

But a theoretical, possible reception afterwards doesn't count, in my opinion.

Well it will count if they have it, right?

[shortstuff]

The reception is usually considered part of the wedding. In fact, in traditional etiquette you can't be "invited" to a church wedding, because it's held in God's House. You can simply be informed of when it is. If you're invited to the reception you have been invited to all that traditional Western etiquette allowed you to be invited to, prior to relaxation of rules that the ceremony had to be in a church.

But a theoretical, possible reception afterwards doesn't count, in my opinion.

This is where I'm at.  I don't think any one thing, by itself, would seem to be gimme-pig, but I can see where finding this out in one invitation info-dump would seem too much. 

Giving the couple the benefit of the doubt, they may have every intention of throwing a local reception, but who knows if that's really going to happen.  You'd have to really like the couple in question to just send a gift anyway, without really knowing if there will be any hospitality offered.  But that, plus the invitation/shower/spa day/registry info, plus the OP not even knowing the wedding plan, tips the scales to "rude" for me.

[purple]

OP here.

There was registry information in the invitation, so they are expecting gift.

The event is at a place I did not recognize, so I do not know if it's a hall or a spa, but definitely not in someone's home.  There was zero information about cost/expectations/etc.

If this was for a traditional wedding, I would be confused, but would just accept or decline upon further information.

Some of you seem to think I'm to rigid, but I thought shower guests were supposed to be invited to a wedding.  AT least, that's what I've read on every bridal etiquette site.  This is not a destination wedding I cannot attend, I am being told I am NOT invited and they MIGHT choose to have a local reception later.  I equate this to an elopement - part of that choice is giving up some of the trappings of a traditional wedding.  It just seems convenient to me - you don't want to host others for your wedding, but you still want to be showered with gifts.

ETA - if this was a spa day for the bride to spend time getting pampers with the women in her life, I would think it was a fabulous idea.  It's the shower addition that doesn't sit well with me, especially since I had to find out through back channels that a wedding invite would not be forthcoming.  I would have assumed it was based on the shower invite.

I'd probably decline the shower for the 'spa day' reasons - it just sounds like it could run into more time and money than I'd be willing to spend on someone I don't know well.

However re: the bolded.  I think I'd be OK with a shower invite followed by a reception invite.  To throw out scenarios, some religions don't allow non-members into their venues.  If a 'purple' friend of mine couldn't invite me to her wedding because I'm 'green', but invited me to the reception afterward, I wouldn't be bothered if she invited me to a shower too.

But perhaps traditional etiquette would disagree?  I really don't know - I don't think I've seen the specific question addressed.

I'd still let you come to my wedding - even if you are green 

[nuit93]

I was invited to a bridal spa day once.  My husband was the best man for this particular wedding and we are godparents/sponsors for the bride and the couple's two children.  This was not a case of "I barely know the bride".   

The spa day was at a well-known local spa.  Each person had to call a specific coordinator and set up the times for the services they wanted to ensure that all times would coordinate.  We each paid for our own services and the bride paid for her own as well.  The plan was to go to dinner afterwards and I totally expected to cover my share of the bride's meal.   No gifts were mentioned at any point in time.  Unfortunately, circumstances intervened and I was unable to attend. 

In my case, it was more the idea of "hey, I want to go to the spa and boy wouldn't it be fun for us all to do it together ahead of the wedding if anyone else is down with it" rather than "a shower by another name".

That's what a 'spa day' would sound like to me, too.

[greencat]

I've gotten the impression that doing all day spa events like this is more normal for "Hen Do's" in the UK - so more like part of the bachelorette party than a bridal shower.

I think the rude part is actually that the bride is hosting her own shower - at least that is the impression I got from the OP.  I think sometimes shower guests are not invited to the wedding, because showers are not supposed to be hosted by the guest of honor, and sometimes are held for groups of people who aren't normally on the wedding invite list but would like to celebrate the milestone in the couple's life - for example, a coworker shower.

[rigs32]

Just to clarify, bride is not hosting the shower, her sister is.