Refusing shower invite for massive etiquette violation

[TurtleDove]

You'd have to really like the couple in question to just send a gift anyway, without really knowing if there will be any hospitality offered.

This struck me as odd.  I don't give gifts in exchange for hospitality.  I give gifts because I care about the people I am giving the gifts to. 

[Yvaine]

You'd have to really like the couple in question to just send a gift anyway, without really knowing if there will be any hospitality offered.

This struck me as odd.  I don't give gifts in exchange for hospitality.  I give gifts because I care about the people I am giving the gifts to.

That's shortstuff's whole point. The bride is a near stranger, and the OP isn't invited to the wedding, so it would be HUGELY above and beyond to send her a gift.

[ladyknight1]

Yes, unless the OP's DH is closer to this person, I would not attend the shower or send a gift unless we were invited to the possible reception.

[TurtleDove]

You'd have to really like the couple in question to just send a gift anyway, without really knowing if there will be any hospitality offered.

This struck me as odd.  I don't give gifts in exchange for hospitality.  I give gifts because I care about the people I am giving the gifts to.

That's shortstuff's whole point. The bride is a near stranger, and the OP isn't invited to the wedding, so it would be HUGELY above and beyond to send her a gift.

It still is odd to me.  If the bride is a near stranger, I would neither attend the wedding or send a gift, because she is a stranger, not becuase of the hospitality offered or not offered.

[TurtleDove]

Yes, unless the OP's DH is closer to this person, I would not attend the shower or send a gift unless we were invited to the possible reception.

What I am saying is that whether I was invited to the reception would not be the deciding factor.  If would be whether I wanted to give a gift to the HC.  If I were not close to the OP (or my DH was not), I would not likely want to send a gift, but it would have nothing to do with the hospitality offered or not offered.

[Yvaine]

Yes, unless the OP's DH is closer to this person, I would not attend the shower or send a gift unless we were invited to the possible reception.

What I am saying is that whether I was invited to the reception would not be the deciding factor.  If would be whether I wanted to give a gift to the HC.  If I were not close to the OP (or my DH was not), I would not likely want to send a gift, but it would have nothing to do with the hospitality offered or not offered.

I think the invite, or lack thereof, can serve as information about the relationship, though. We don't mean "The bride must serve the OP exactly 3 ounces of baked chicken, one slice of cake, and two glasses of wine in exchange for a gift." It's more that inviting her might have said "Hey OP, I know we don't know each other well yet, but I'd like to get to know you better!" while not inviting her (while trying to get shower loot from her) might say "I don't really want to get to know you better, but spend money on me!"

[TurtleDove]

Yes, unless the OP's DH is closer to this person, I would not attend the shower or send a gift unless we were invited to the possible reception.

What I am saying is that whether I was invited to the reception would not be the deciding factor.  If would be whether I wanted to give a gift to the HC.  If I were not close to the OP (or my DH was not), I would not likely want to send a gift, but it would have nothing to do with the hospitality offered or not offered.

I think the invite, or lack thereof, can serve as information about the relationship, though. We don't mean "The bride must serve the OP exactly 3 ounces of baked chicken, one slice of cake, and two glasses of wine in exchange for a gift." It's more that inviting her might have said "Hey OP, I know we don't know each other well yet, but I'd like to get to know you better!" while not inviting her (while trying to get shower loot from her) might say "I don't really want to get to know you better, but spend money on me!"

I guess I see inviting the OP to a spa day as saying, "Hey OP, I know we don't know each other well yet, but I'd like to get to know you better" (and not so much "spend money on me").  But again, if I wanted to get to the know the HC/bride, I would attend the spa day. If I didn't, I wouldn't.  But I wouldn't say it is a clear gimme pig thing. I mean, if the OP were invited to the spa day *and* the wedding and reception, wouldn't even more gifts be "expected"?  Wouldn't that be even more "gimme" if that's the way one chooses to look at it?

[Yvaine]

Yes, unless the OP's DH is closer to this person, I would not attend the shower or send a gift unless we were invited to the possible reception.

What I am saying is that whether I was invited to the reception would not be the deciding factor.  If would be whether I wanted to give a gift to the HC.  If I were not close to the OP (or my DH was not), I would not likely want to send a gift, but it would have nothing to do with the hospitality offered or not offered.

I think the invite, or lack thereof, can serve as information about the relationship, though. We don't mean "The bride must serve the OP exactly 3 ounces of baked chicken, one slice of cake, and two glasses of wine in exchange for a gift." It's more that inviting her might have said "Hey OP, I know we don't know each other well yet, but I'd like to get to know you better!" while not inviting her (while trying to get shower loot from her) might say "I don't really want to get to know you better, but spend money on me!"

I guess I see inviting the OP to a spa day as saying, "Hey OP, I know we don't know each other well yet, but I'd like to get to know you better" (and not so much "spend money on me").  But again, if I wanted to get to the know the HC/bride, I would attend the spa day. If I didn't, I wouldn't.  But I wouldn't say it is a clear gimme pig thing. I mean, if the OP were invited to the spa day *and* the wedding and reception, wouldn't even more gifts be "expected"?  Wouldn't that be even more "gimme" if that's the way one chooses to look at it?

Eh. Who knows. This is way too much harping for an offhand comment that I think was meant in humor. As for the OP's actual question, yes, it's rude to invite someone to the shower but not the wedding, pretty much end of story (barring a few caveats that tend to come up about co-workers, which I won't get into here).

[aussie_chick]

OP here.

There was registry information in the invitation, so they are expecting gift.

The event is at a place I did not recognize, so I do not know if it's a hall or a spa, but definitely not in someone's home.  There was zero information about cost/expectations/etc.

If this was for a traditional wedding, I would be confused, but would just accept or decline upon further information.

Some of you seem to think I'm to rigid, but I thought shower guests were supposed to be invited to a wedding.  AT least, that's what I've read on every bridal etiquette site.  This is not a destination wedding I cannot attend, I am being told I am NOT invited and they MIGHT choose to have a local reception later.  I equate this to an elopement - part of that choice is giving up some of the trappings of a traditional wedding.  It just seems convenient to me - you don't want to host others for your wedding, but you still want to be showered with gifts.

ETA - if this was a spa day for the bride to spend time getting pampers with the women in her life, I would think it was a fabulous idea.  It's the shower addition that doesn't sit well with me, especially since I had to find out through back channels that a wedding invite would not be forthcoming.  I would have assumed it was based on the shower invite.

Op after reading my way around EHell, I thought the same as you. That events about the wedding, including showers should include people who are actually invited to the wedding.
As you said, it's not like it's a wedding you cannot attend. You haven't been given the option to attend!
I read a post on here a while ago in relation to a destination wedding that said something like "if i'm not close enough to be invited to the wedding (which is the main part of the gig) why would I want to come to the party to celebrate the wedding I wasn't invited to, and bring a gift no less." I think the same about showers and receptions later.

Also it's not a reception later. It's a party celebrating their wedding - that you weren't invited to and you're probably expected to bring a gift to.
But then I guess that opens up a whole other can of worms. Is the gift you're expected to give at the reception later, a gift because they got married - which I don't like, since you weren't allowed to be there to watch them get married, or is it a gift thanking them for their hospitality of the party (reception)? If so, then don't put together a registry, because I don't need advice on how to give you  bottle of wine to so thanks - but now i think i went overboard!

Anyway Op, given you don't know this bride well, I feel the same as you!

[shortstuff]

You'd have to really like the couple in question to just send a gift anyway, without really knowing if there will be any hospitality offered.

This struck me as odd.  I don't give gifts in exchange for hospitality.  I give gifts because I care about the people I am giving the gifts to.

That's shortstuff's whole point. The bride is a near stranger, and the OP isn't invited to the wedding, so it would be HUGELY above and beyond to send her a gift.

Thank you.  You got what I meant, but I see how what I said, taken by itself like that, can mean something else. 

I didn't mean that hospitality is required for a gift (sort of the reverse of a gift being the price of admission! lol), because there are some situations where I like a friend/ couple, and will do something nice for them, or give them a gift for a birthday/shower/wedding, but that's because I like them.  If I wasn't invited, I'd still make the nice gesture.  I want to give something because of the rel@tionship, not just because of a piece of paper I got in the mail. 

But for someone I'm not that close too, I wouldn't just give them a present out of nowhere, because the relationship isn't at that level.  An invitation showing up in the mail isn't going to create a situation where I want to give a gift.  Don't people on eHell always say that an invitation is not a summons, and a gift is not required for attending, but well wishes should be expressed in person or a card?  That's where I was coming from, and I hope I expressed it more clearly, instead of digging a hole 

[kareng57]

Re the shower when a guest will not be invited to the wedding - unfortunately it's fairly common in my area.  People sometimes see it as a chance for other people to "celebrate the wedding" - and some see it as a courtesy, in that people who are invited to both will have to give two gifts rather than one.  Please understand that I am not saying this is okay, just that it's common enough around here that I don't think that a lot of people realize that this is a faux pas.

Also, depending on who is organizing the shower (especially if it's a surprise) it does sometimes happen that someone who is a mere acquaintance is mistaken for a friend, and is invited.  As has been frequently said here - an invitation is not a summons.  OP is perfectly in the clear, etiquette-wise, to politely decline, no explanation is needed.