"Stealing" a Baby Name

[Nemesis]

Actually, this baby-naming issue reminds me somewhat on my own situation.

Years ago, I was dating someone very seriously and we were discussing marriage. I broke up with him after I realised that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. Anyway, he has a brother who was dating a girl named Michelle. They eventually got married.

9 months ago, the pregnant me chose the name "Michelle" for my second child. My mother was appalled because Michelle was the name of my ex bf's brother's wife. Whom we never see anymore since the breakup. I looked at her and said "No, Michelle is the name of your second grandchild". The conversation ended there and she never brought it up again throughout the rest of my pregnancy even though she pursed her lips every time I called Michelle's name.

Now that Michelle is 7 months old, she no longer thinks of my ex-bf's brother's wife every time we call out her name. No, the face on the name "Michelle" is now this little baby girl.

It's not a problem unless you make it a problem. Your friend thinks of a little girl who looks like her and calls her "Mommy" every time she thinks of the name "Charlotte". The dream is broken when she imagines this "Charlotte" calling you "Mommy" instead.

[miranova]

It's not a problem unless you make it a problem.

Exactly.

I knew two sisters who were pregnant at the same time, loved the same name, and named their daughters the same thing.  They lived in the same town and the two girls ended up in the same school in the same 2nd grade class.  So there were two Paige's in the same class, big deal.  Both mothers got to choose the name they loved, and everyone was happy.  The end.

There is no such thing as stealing a name, and it's only an issue if someone decides to make it one.

[Coralreef]

1 - Congrats on the new baby girl!
2 - I just love the name Charlotte.  I had a nice cousin with that name.
3 - Your friend doesn't have a strangle hold on the name.  So I agree with the other posters.  Name your baby what you want. 

[GrammarNerd]

 When naming son #2, it seemed like whatever I suggested, DH didn't like.  I suggested one name and he said no b/c it was the name of a son of some random business associate.  Huh?  So I suggested another name that I'd always liked.  The problem was that it was the same name as our neighbor's son from his first marriage, who would be about 10 years older than our son when he was born.  Neighbor's son lived about 4 states away with the ex-wife, and only visited a few times a year.  Say the kid's name was Gavin.  After the first incident with the random business associate's kid, I said 'look, their Gavin is only with neighbors a few times a year.  I'm not going to discard the name just because neighbor's son has it.  There's an age difference anyway.  It's not a big deal.' 

So we have our own Gavin, who is now 12.  Neighbors ceased being our neighbors when our Gavin was about 4.  And during the few instances where the two Gavins were in the same place at the same time, it was simply, 'Big Gavin' and 'Little Gavin'. 

When I told the neighbors about the name, I just said that I'd always loved the name, and didn't see a problem b/c their Gavin didn't live there full-time.  They were cool.  And it was no problem distinguishing which Gavin either of us were talking about.

As they say, your friend will get over it or die mad.  If she ever brings it up again, I think you should look at her incredulously and ask her if she's STILL mad about that?  Really?  And then point out all of the other things that pps have mentioned.....you mentioned it first, so SHE actually tried to steal it from YOU, she's not even pregnant, etc.

[Redsoil]

Charlotte is a lovely name.

It almost seems that your friend has a need to mirror your life choices for some sort of validation, given that she's never shown an interest in having children etc. until after you were pregnant etc.  Maybe she's just having a harmless fantasy of how her life could be?  Hopefully, she'll find her own path (and name!) in life. 

Has she always been like this?  How old is she?

Congrats and good luck with everything!

[zyrs]

Congratulations on the new baby!

I really don't understand the whole "no one can name their child the same as mine" thing anyway.  I went to school with multiple Michaels, Debbys/Debbies, Annes/Anns, Janets, Donnas, Donalds, Tims and a lot of other names.  Each of them was a unique person whom I remember for their personality. 

Your friend is being silly.

[123sandy]

This is a big pet peeve of mine. You cannot steal a name!! I went to school with two girls who had the same first name, the same last name, they were the same age and they were cousins. It never caused any problems for them.

[Ceallach]

Your friend is being ridiculous.  And Charlotte is a lovely (and very popular!) name.

I do understand wanting a fairly unique name.  I find it mildly irritating when somebody has the same name as I do.  I personally wouldn't want my kid to be Emma S forever in class because there are 10 other Emma's in the classroom.  But that means that *I* will eliminate popular names from my list - including some that I love - based on that.   Similarly, DH and I didn't name our son either of two names that we absolutely love, simply because we already have nephews with those names.   My dad commented that he didn't see the problem having two grandsons with the same name, but I personally felt it would make things slightly more complicated seeing my sister and I are close and I want our kids to be close.   There is also one girls name I love that I deliberately have not told anybody (I picked it 7 years ago) so that if somebody else chooses it that will be a coincidence - and therefore not upsetting - rather than feeling I somehow "own" the name.   So I factor these things into my name selection, but I wouldn't dream of trying to dictate what anybody else does or what names they select for their children!

I think in life trying to be happy by controlling what other people do is never going to end well.  I feel a bit sorry for your friend, wasting emotional energy over something so silly!   

[TabathasGran]

The part that sticks out to me is that you said the name to her first!

It's absolutely not "stealing" for you to decide to use a name you already had in mind.

I would say, "Friend this name was in our top two before I knew you liked it. We may or may not use it. But if we do I hope you understand that this is such a big and important decision for us. And it actually seems sweet to me for us, two very dear friends, to have had the same name in mind without knowing it! To both have little girls with the same first name would be neat, actually."

This is probably not about the name at all, but something more primal going on within her re: your pregnancy and her future hopes.

[The TARDIS]

To the OP: Wow, is this friend angry at everyone ELSE on the planet who named their little ones Charlotte? Stick to it, she has no right to dictate YOUR decision regarding YOUR child.

Congrats!

[LifeOnPluto]

Generally speaking, I agree that you can't steal a baby name. However, I can think of some factors which might it seem a little "off" to name your baby the same name as someone else. For example:

- If the name is very unique;
- If it's a family/heritage name (and the "stealer" is not part of that family/heritage);
- If the other person had been making it known for years that this was the name they loved;
- If the other person was actually pregnant.

In short, if your friend had been telling you for the last 15 years how she was going to name her future daughter "Penelope Hyacinth" after her grandmother, and she was due to give birth to a baby girl one month after you, I'd say that you were a bit "off" to name YOUR daughter "Penelope Hyacinth".

But in this case? Nope, you're fine. And she is acting rather rudely and strangely to get so upset about it.

[shadowfox79]

This is a big pet peeve of mine. You cannot steal a name!! I went to school with two girls who had the same first name, the same last name, they were the same age and they were cousins. It never caused any problems for them.

And you can never be sure which names will be popular, either.

In primary school there were three Zoes in my class. In high school I was surrounded by Lauras and Jennifers. In my Italian class at university there were four of us with my name. There comes a point when you just have to go with what you like and not worry about it.

[rose red]

The OP's friend is being unreasonable (the OP said the name first!), but I think there is a difference with strangers or classmates having the same name and having a friend/relative choose *your* name. I have a friend who was going to name her then unborn daughter Caitlin (she knows that's a popular name and there are thousands of Caitlin's out there), but when she found out her niece, Katie's, full name is Caitlin, she named her daughter something else. I can understand her thinking. Even though your head knows you're nuts, emotions are a different thing.

[blarg314]

Generally speaking, I agree that you can't steal a baby name. However, I can think of some factors which might it seem a little "off" to name your baby the same name as someone else. For example:

- If the name is very unique;
- If it's a family/heritage name (and the "stealer" is not part of that family/heritage);
- If the other person had been making it known for years that this was the name they loved;
- If the other person was actually pregnant.

Actually, I think for any case, "very unique" would be a necessary condition for it be an off thing to do.

If the name is a a relatively common one, or even not a very rare one, there's always the possibility that the other person thought of the name independently, or before you did. So spending 10 years telling everyone that Charlotte is your choice of baby name doesn't get you exclusive use of it, and announcing it when you're pregnant, or choosing it because your great-grandmother was named Charlotte, doesn't give you exclusive rights on the name either.

But if you told your friend that you were naming your child Ergwart Jones because of a funny story associated with the way you met your spouse, and your friend has her baby three weeks before you do and names it Ergwart Smith, something fishy is going on. Or the chances of someone else independently selecting Charlotte Mathilda Georgette for their child.

[cicero]

I think "stealing a baby name" is an oxymoron. unless it is some made up name. but Charlotte? it's a ... name. it's a beautiful name. it's a name shared by hundreds of girls/women around the world. it's not something you can steal!

Your friend is unreasonable - even if she were nine months pregnant with a girl and had "called" the name first - it still wouldn't make a difference.

(OK, i admit, i don't *get it* - i don't know why people make such a fuss about it. in my extended family, since it's customary to name babies after deceased ancestors, there are a number of first and second cousins with the same name).

My husband and I are expecting our first child this Summer.  My best friend of 15 years, who is NOT pregnant and has only expressed a desire to start a family since I told her we were expecting, asked me a few months ago if we had thought of names so I told her how we were debating between Charlotte and Catherine for a girl.  (I know, that was my first mistake!). Well she told me that he has her heart set on having a little girl and naming her Charlotte and asked me not to use the name.  I wanted to keep the peace and since we didn't know the baby's gender at the time told her I would keep it in mind.

Well...it's a girl!  We really do love the name Charlotte and have decided that our little one will have that name.  My friend is very upset with me.  She feels like I have "stolen" her name and that I am not considering her feelings.  To be honest, I really hadn't.  My reasons for not picking a different name are:
1. She is NOT pregnant and only recently decided she wanted to be.
2. They live on the opposite side of the US and it's not like our children will grow up spending lots of time together.
3. Charlotte is a VERY common name.  It's not like I have picked a unique family name from her family...she just likes it.
4. They may never have children and if they do, they may end up with only boys.  I do not like the idea of renaming my child because she might have one.

I have told her that I have no problem with both of us having girls with the same name.  I haw pointed out how far apart in geography and possibly age they kids may be and I have even reminded her that the decision is not solely mine and my husband happens to be fond of the name as well.  I haven't pointed out that she isn't now pregnant and may never have a girl because she was very upset on the phone and I didn't want to hurt her more.

My question is, am I a mean person for using a name she loves?  In my situation, would you change the name?