Wedding Bliss and Blues > Where Do I Start?

"He's not supposed to have an opinion!"

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If I were in the OP's position, I would be wishing that the groom-to-be could have heard the bride-to-be saying that.  That way, he would know exactly what he was getting in to.

If LadyTango had said anything even close to that while we were engaged, the engagement would have ended right then and there.

I've encountered this before. A former friend was livid because her fiance dared to express his opinions on the topic. She tried to tell me to agree with her so he would shut up. She was quite angry with me when I said that it was his wedding too and he should be involved in the plans.

Of course, she explained (quite loudly) why I was wrong.

Interesting that the wedding never came to fruition.


--- Quote from: shhh its me on March 29, 2014, 06:09:54 PM ---Some guys don't care.........I would be a little surprised if a guy or girl for that matter who never showed a concern for food or decorating or matching was suddenly debating whether the bridesmaids sashes looked good with the flowers.  I expect people to be who they , so my response would be tempered a little with that basic personality info.

--- End quote ---

I dunno, I know plenty of men who weren't into those things normally but then became interested once they were engaged (or a bought a house). Is "surprised they're interested" code for "they must be g_y" ?

If I were in that particular group, I could see myself nodding along in the hopes that she would calm down, and quiet down. Sounds like she gets loud when she's agitated, and that's not pleasant in a public place.

I certainly don't think one half of the HC gets sole say in the wedding plans automatically. But, it can be surprising when one person "never" seems to care about that kind of thing, and then suddenly that person is saying, "Do the chair bows have to be that style? I like the other one better." This lady sounded angry, though, and I'm not really sure why anger would be the partner's response--it seems like it would be a good opportunity to talk about why one has which preference, and figure out who feels more strongly about it. I would think there'd be a lot of that in a relationship/marriage anyway. I could understand her being mad if he was suddenly expressing a strong opinion after the point of no return, after she had given him an opportunity for comment when he had no opinion; but from her words that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Amusingly, it kind of reminds me of what a man might've said a few hundred years ago--"Who is this woman who has opinions about what should happen in our family?! She is just supposed to show up and have children! I mean, have you ever heard of the woman wanting to have opinions? This is crazy!"

"Everyone knows weddings belong to the bride!! I mean, have you ever heard of the man wanting to have opinions? This is crazy!"
That is silly. Lots of guys have opinions on stuff in their weddings.  Few of them are as invested as the bride in a lot of the details, so they often defer to her opinion. Many of them, however, have strong feelings and advocate for them. Personally, I feel wedding planning can be a good indication on how a couple will manage disagreement in the marriage. Some of the stuff is trivial like napkin color or the flavor of the cake filling, but some of it has deep emotional significance - religion, family relationships, etc.

Our general rule from the wedding on up to yard work, housekeeping, etc is
"Opinions go with responsibility".  Neither of us gets to dictate or nitpick while the other works. Things we both have opinions on, are things we take joint responsibility for carrying out.
So if the groom is participating in food tastings, bookings, researching/meeting with vendors, planning and carrying out all the nitpicky detail work - then yes he gets input into the decision. If he expects her to do all the work and then second-guesses her choices, then he is being a jerk.

But that doesn't sound like what you overheard. It sounds like that groom was participating but not being heard. Not a good dynamic.


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