Author Topic: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"  (Read 7162 times)

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Nemesis

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"He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« on: March 29, 2014, 06:56:29 PM »
I was pondering on whether to get a hot chocolate, or a hot chocolate with hazelnut syrup when I heard a very agitated voice:

"And then he was like, 'I don't think I like that'. And I was like 'What do you mean you don't like that, you're not supposed to like or dislike anything!' I mean, like for real?"

The lady in question has a rather loud voice that carries. There were 6 people at her table. All of them were nodding their heads in agreement.

She continued: "Like, he's not supposed to have an opinion on things. It's my wedding. He's just supposed to show up, stand where we tell him to, and say I Do. Everyone knows weddings belong to the bride!! I mean, have you ever heard of the man wanting to have opinions? This is crazy!

(Note: I added in the italics to show where she emphasised her words, and bold to words where she raised her voice rather significantly).

All the ladies nodded. There was a chorus of agreement that she was right, he was an odd duckling, and no one ever heard of any man wanting to be involved in the wedding planning.

The bride-to-be looked mollified. I got my hot chocolate (with hazelnut syrup) and got out of there.

I wonder if the other ladies just wanted to be supportive and so they told the bride whatever she wanted to hear. Or did they really think that grooms should just stay out of their own wedding plans? If your friend had said the above, would you say something to her?

otterwoman

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2014, 06:59:39 PM »
If my friend had said that, I would have asked where the pod was with my real friend!

Ceallach

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2014, 07:01:23 PM »
If she were my friend I would tactfully point out that it was his wedding too, and to help her see his side while being supportive of her feelings.   But because my friends are all rational, mature adults, I rarely encounter this kind of situation!   Good luck to her, I'm afraid she's going to need it as she's already failing marriage lesson 101 - communication and compromise!! 
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shhh its me

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2014, 07:09:54 PM »
Some guys don't care.........I would be a little surprised if a guy or girl for that matter who never showed a concern for food or decorating or matching was suddenly debating whether the bridesmaids sashes looked good with the flowers.  I expect people to be who they , so my response would be tempered a little with that basic personality info.

Kaymar

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2014, 07:49:37 PM »
I wouldn't be friends with someone like that, but my guess is this group was trying not to poke the crazy and hopefully get her off her rant by agreeing with her and moving onto more interesting topics.

MrTango

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2014, 07:50:34 PM »
If I were in the OP's position, I would be wishing that the groom-to-be could have heard the bride-to-be saying that.  That way, he would know exactly what he was getting in to.

If LadyTango had said anything even close to that while we were engaged, the engagement would have ended right then and there.

SamiHami

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2014, 08:00:07 PM »
I've encountered this before. A former friend was livid because her fiance dared to express his opinions on the topic. She tried to tell me to agree with her so he would shut up. She was quite angry with me when I said that it was his wedding too and he should be involved in the plans.

Of course, she explained (quite loudly) why I was wrong.

Interesting that the wedding never came to fruition.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

TeamBhakta

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2014, 08:46:46 PM »
Some guys don't care.........I would be a little surprised if a guy or girl for that matter who never showed a concern for food or decorating or matching was suddenly debating whether the bridesmaids sashes looked good with the flowers.  I expect people to be who they , so my response would be tempered a little with that basic personality info.

I dunno, I know plenty of men who weren't into those things normally but then became interested once they were engaged (or a bought a house). Is "surprised they're interested" code for "they must be g_y" ?

Lynn2000

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2014, 08:57:31 PM »
If I were in that particular group, I could see myself nodding along in the hopes that she would calm down, and quiet down. Sounds like she gets loud when she's agitated, and that's not pleasant in a public place.

I certainly don't think one half of the HC gets sole say in the wedding plans automatically. But, it can be surprising when one person "never" seems to care about that kind of thing, and then suddenly that person is saying, "Do the chair bows have to be that style? I like the other one better." This lady sounded angry, though, and I'm not really sure why anger would be the partner's response--it seems like it would be a good opportunity to talk about why one has which preference, and figure out who feels more strongly about it. I would think there'd be a lot of that in a relationship/marriage anyway. I could understand her being mad if he was suddenly expressing a strong opinion after the point of no return, after she had given him an opportunity for comment when he had no opinion; but from her words that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Amusingly, it kind of reminds me of what a man might've said a few hundred years ago--"Who is this woman who has opinions about what should happen in our family?! She is just supposed to show up and have children! I mean, have you ever heard of the woman wanting to have opinions? This is crazy!"
~Lynn2000

EllenS

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2014, 10:25:09 PM »
"Everyone knows weddings belong to the bride!! I mean, have you ever heard of the man wanting to have opinions? This is crazy!"
That is silly. Lots of guys have opinions on stuff in their weddings.  Few of them are as invested as the bride in a lot of the details, so they often defer to her opinion. Many of them, however, have strong feelings and advocate for them. Personally, I feel wedding planning can be a good indication on how a couple will manage disagreement in the marriage. Some of the stuff is trivial like napkin color or the flavor of the cake filling, but some of it has deep emotional significance - religion, family relationships, etc.

Our general rule from the wedding on up to yard work, housekeeping, etc is
"Opinions go with responsibility".  Neither of us gets to dictate or nitpick while the other works. Things we both have opinions on, are things we take joint responsibility for carrying out.
So if the groom is participating in food tastings, bookings, researching/meeting with vendors, planning and carrying out all the nitpicky detail work - then yes he gets input into the decision. If he expects her to do all the work and then second-guesses her choices, then he is being a jerk.

But that doesn't sound like what you overheard. It sounds like that groom was participating but not being heard. Not a good dynamic.

MommyPenguin

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2014, 11:12:12 PM »
My parents were surprised when my husband had opinions about our wedding.  My mom even seemed to disapprove and want me to override his opinions, primarily because he was the groom.  She thought it silly that he would have an opinion about colors or what-not.  But I think that's what you get when you marry a musician, since it's a form of art.  He's actually a lot pickier than I am about aesthetics.

Cz. Burrito

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #11 on: March 30, 2014, 12:36:39 AM »
Wow.  The gall of him to have an opinion on his own wedding...  ::)

violinp

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #12 on: March 30, 2014, 01:00:57 AM »
My dad has said to Cabbage and me many times: "A wedding is a bride's fantasy. The honeymoon is the groom's fantasy." Aside from the disgusting implications inherent in that, it always irritated me that my dad, who is generally an open - minded man, acted like only women should care about how the wedding goes. After all, the marriage is not one - sided, but two people uniting to make a life together. It also cracks me up, since Dad's the sentimental one and Mom's the practical one, but I digress...

I would hope any potential DF of mine would care about the "important" things, like the readings and music, what he and the male attendants wear, and things like that. I don't expect him to dither over the shade of blue the napkins should be, but then again, I wouldn't do that either. He might have an opinion on my dress, but since he won't be seeing me try things on, it wouldn't matter.  >:D
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Ceallach

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2014, 05:15:20 AM »
Some guys don't care.........I would be a little surprised if a guy or girl for that matter who never showed a concern for food or decorating or matching was suddenly debating whether the bridesmaids sashes looked good with the flowers.  I expect people to be who they , so my response would be tempered a little with that basic personality info.

I understand your point, but it's not comparing apples with apples.    Planning a major event to celebrate a milestone is something most people do rarely, it's different to anything else they do in their life.   My husband is a petrol head + sporty type and has no interest in general in placecards, or any other aspect of decorating or events for that matter, but he designed and created beautiful personalised placecards for our wedding reception.  Because he did care about putting on an awesome party for our family and friends.

Now, if there was a couple who frequently planned big events, and in the past the guy always said "I don't care about the menu, that's your thing" and then for the wedding was getting really involved and frustrating the bride?  Ok, that is a change from what is the their usual.   But in most cases couples haven't planned a big, personal event together previously.   It's a unique situation so while personality is a factor I don't think it can be used as a basis for what a person should or shouldn't be interested in.    There were aspects of wedding planning I didn't care about  and made very fast, default decisions on (cake, shoes, flowers) as they just aren't things that matter to me, yet I doubt anybody would have been shocked had I showed a "bride like" interest in those things, even though technically it would be out of character.   So it is applying a double standard to men not allowing them to be interested and involved in their wedding planning just because it's not usually "their thing".   My DH isn't into weddings, but he was into *our* wedding.  ;)
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Piratelvr1121

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #14 on: March 30, 2014, 08:34:42 AM »
My parents were surprised when my husband had opinions about our wedding.  My mom even seemed to disapprove and want me to override his opinions, primarily because he was the groom.  She thought it silly that he would have an opinion about colors or what-not.  But I think that's what you get when you marry a musician, since it's a form of art.  He's actually a lot pickier than I am about aesthetics.

Just had a courthouse deal myself but I do imagine DH would have put his oar in with the planning if we had done a bww and I wouldn't have minded.  He's usually pretty good at judging if colors coordinate and nice decorations and flowers so unless I really had a strong opinion for or against something, I would have welcomed a suggested change.

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