Author Topic: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"  (Read 6947 times)

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shhh its me

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #15 on: March 30, 2014, 09:39:03 AM »
Some guys don't care.........I would be a little surprised if a guy or girl for that matter who never showed a concern for food or decorating or matching was suddenly debating whether the bridesmaids sashes looked good with the flowers.  I expect people to be who they , so my response would be tempered a little with that basic personality info.

I dunno, I know plenty of men who weren't into those things normally but then became interested once they were engaged (or a bought a house). Is "surprised they're interested" code for "they must be g_y" ?

That's  a huge leap.

Thipu1

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #16 on: March 30, 2014, 10:08:31 AM »
Maybe it's because we were paying for most everything ourselves, but Mr. Thipu was very involved in our Wedding plans.  He didn't care much about flowers and such but he was dead-set on having a good reception for our guests.  This involved several months of eating out and shopping for a restaurant. 

Oh, the sacrifice! 

Seriously, these things vary from couple to couple.  Some men are content to do what they're told.  Others prefer to become involved.  In my opinion, the latter are the guys who are likely to make more helpful husbands. 

TootsNYC

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #17 on: March 30, 2014, 10:14:45 AM »
There are certain decisions that I can sympathize w/ the idea that the groom should butt out.

Wedding colors--oh, of course, intellectually I can see that he has as much right to choose as the bride, but it would be really frustrating to suddenly have to negotiate through that.

My friend went to register for china and discovered that her husband had strong opinions and insisted on being included in the decision. OK, fine, but then it turned out that he wanted something very different from what she'd had her heart set on. They ended up with something she didn't really love. And when they moved to a smaller space, they put it in storage bcs she didn't like it enough to find room for it in their place.
    I was really sad on her behalf.

Her groom was a little competitive in lots of things--her mom made bookmarks that said "Susie and Sam," and he got all "why isn't my name first on half of them?"  My friend finally pointed out that she'd be Mrs. Sam Smith for the rest of her life, and they'd be Mr. and Mrs. Sam Smith, and he'd be first on the tax returns; he could let her have the stupid bookmarks.

He also fully expected to go wedding-dress shopping with her. She finally made him ask the women in his office what they thought about that idea.

Kaymar

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #18 on: March 30, 2014, 10:23:41 AM »
I wish my groom wanted to plan our wedding, because I sure don't.  It seems bizarre to me that you're expected to wake up one day and be good at / enjoy event planning when it's not something most of us have done in our lives.  I actually had a dream last night that it was the day before our wedding and we hadn't finalized the food yet ... this isn't too far off from what might happen.  But obvs if we both were into it, we'd collaborate.  As it is, we share the misery of having to deal with details that neither of us care about.

Thipu1

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #19 on: March 30, 2014, 10:54:48 AM »
I once read an article in a local paper that might get more men involved in Wedding planning.  It stated that planning a Wedding is like getting a Master's degree.

It usually takes at least a year.

Most of the work has to be done on weekends and in the evening.

It involves a ton of research.

There's a lot of paper work.

BUT--- once it's completed, you're considered an expert. 

VorFemme

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #20 on: March 30, 2014, 12:49:28 PM »
I once read an article in a local paper that might get more men involved in Wedding planning.  It stated that planning a Wedding is like getting a Master's degree.

It usually takes at least a year.

Most of the work has to be done on weekends and in the evening.

It involves a ton of research.

There's a lot of paper work.

BUT--- once it's completed, you're considered an expert. 

Which doesn't explain why VorGuy thought Ambrosia Hino and I could pull a wedding for 30 to 60 people off in three months or less...

Except that he pulls off high school awards banquets in less than three weeks...for more people. 

BUT - he does arrange the reservation of the location a year ahead of time.  He does the other on short notice because that's when the student committee finally gets around to picking a theme, colors, a menu, and picks a few people to get the decorations & set them up the morning of the event. 

He doesn't quite get that a bride & groom really don't want the "thrown together in two weeks" vibe if they can get a better deal with advance notice on contracts with the caterer & such.  She was our ONLY daughter, so the issue of a first wedding for our daughter is NOT going to come up again...
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Lynn2000

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #21 on: March 30, 2014, 01:16:01 PM »
If I were to get married, I would like to have a very simple, casual ceremony and more like "lunch at a restaurant" than what you might call a reception. One reason is I simply can't fathom making decisions on all the details that go with, say, a BWW. There are so many things in the world I simply have no opinion on. From that point of view it would be fine if my partner wanted to make those decisions, and then just run them by me before setting them in stone, on the off chance something bothered me. And I'm female.

Even my friend Amy, who has an opinion on everything, started to get burned out by all the decisions during her wedding planning. She was also surprised when her DF, Adam, had an opinion on certain things, because he's normally the opposite of detail-oriented; but she only got mad about it when he expressed his opinion inconveniently late, or as a second guess of her opinion after initially ceding the decision to her. Which would irritate anyone, I think.

I do remember there were a couple of what I would have called "important" things, where they disagreed, and the idea seemed to be that her opinion trumped his. Which made me a little uncomfortable, to be honest. She wants X, he's not so sure he's really okay with X, and she thinks he just ought to go along with her anyway. And, other people--like Adam's own father--were saying, "The bride wants X, you should do X." I was talking to my dad about it--he's a minister who does a lot of weddings--and he also felt that ultimately, the decision should be the bride's.

My personal feelings aside, my point is that the bride in the OP could very well be hearing variations on "it's your day, not his" from a lot of different sources--not just silly bridal magazines (are there even any groom magazines?) but also from people in the previous generation, maybe even in the groom's only family. Which is not to excuse her, because I do think there's a basic respect that people should have for their partner's opinion on something that affects the partner, too; but she may not be getting much encouragement to think of it that way.
~Lynn2000

TootsNYC

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #22 on: March 30, 2014, 02:29:49 PM »
Lynn2000 has a very good point.

and one of the places you get this message is the comments/critiques of weddings that have happened. The bride culturally gets the credit, and the blame.

It comes from the time when the wedding *was* the bride's, and hers alone. Her parents hosted the entire event. As hosts, they made the decisions.

The household was the bride's/wife's territory as well; she accumulated china, etc., sometimes well before her marriage. It was not a household possession, really.

whatsanenigma

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #23 on: March 30, 2014, 06:24:55 PM »
My dad has said to Cabbage and me many times: "A wedding is a bride's fantasy. The honeymoon is the groom's fantasy." Aside from the disgusting implications inherent in that, it always irritated me that my dad, who is generally an open - minded man, acted like only women should care about how the wedding goes. After all, the marriage is not one - sided, but two people uniting to make a life together. It also cracks me up, since Dad's the sentimental one and Mom's the practical one, but I digress...

You know your dad better than I do, obviously, and would know what he really does mean, but if I just heard some random person I didn't know say it, I wouldn't necessarily think anything was "disgusting" or that the person was saying only women should care about their weddings.

I think that for the most part, it is the women who have been fantasizing about their weddings, sometimes for many years.  (Though there are some exceptions, of course, where either the bride has not, or the groom has.)  It doesn't necessarily mean she won't/doesn't want to compromise or shouldn't have to/be expected to, for budget reasons or because the groom wants something different or his family situation isn't what she was expecting or whatever, but that at the core of it, her fantasy is coming to life, changed to fit reality to whatever degree.

And about the honeymoon being the "groom's fantasy", well, there is the obvious, yes.  But also, I can imagine that during wedding preparations, a groom might feel a bit distant from his bride, even if they are both perfectly happy with his level of involvement in planning, whatever that level might be.  And the wedding itself (if it's like the weddings I've been a part of!) is a really fun day but really busy and hectic.  Lots of things going on at once, lots of details to keep track of...quite exhausting.

So, I can see that the honeymoon might turn out to be the "groom's fantasy" in that sense, where he gets his bride all to himself again for a while, and they can talk and relax and enjoy each other's company.  No having to go to work or school, no family or friends to entertain, just time alone with his new wife, catching back up with her, and doing what they want to do together, whether that be just lying on a beach and talking, or seeing a lot of sites in a hurry, or whatever.  (And when they start off down a sidewalk together, it doesn't make one bit of difference if they both start off on the left foot or not!)

But you know your dad and what he means, of course.  I'm just saying the impression I would have if my dad or someone else said that to or around me.   :)

Ceallach

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #24 on: March 30, 2014, 06:56:59 PM »
My dad has said to Cabbage and me many times: "A wedding is a bride's fantasy. The honeymoon is the groom's fantasy." Aside from the disgusting implications inherent in that, it always irritated me that my dad, who is generally an open - minded man, acted like only women should care about how the wedding goes. After all, the marriage is not one - sided, but two people uniting to make a life together. It also cracks me up, since Dad's the sentimental one and Mom's the practical one, but I digress...

You know your dad better than I do, obviously, and would know what he really does mean, but if I just heard some random person I didn't know say it, I wouldn't necessarily think anything was "disgusting" or that the person was saying only women should care about their weddings.

I think that for the most part, it is the women who have been fantasizing about their weddings, sometimes for many years.  (Though there are some exceptions, of course, where either the bride has not, or the groom has.)  It doesn't necessarily mean she won't/doesn't want to compromise or shouldn't have to/be expected to, for budget reasons or because the groom wants something different or his family situation isn't what she was expecting or whatever, but that at the core of it, her fantasy is coming to life, changed to fit reality to whatever degree.

And about the honeymoon being the "groom's fantasy", well, there is the obvious, yes.  But also, I can imagine that during wedding preparations, a groom might feel a bit distant from his bride, even if they are both perfectly happy with his level of involvement in planning, whatever that level might be.  And the wedding itself (if it's like the weddings I've been a part of!) is a really fun day but really busy and hectic.  Lots of things going on at once, lots of details to keep track of...quite exhausting.

So, I can see that the honeymoon might turn out to be the "groom's fantasy" in that sense, where he gets his bride all to himself again for a while, and they can talk and relax and enjoy each other's company.  No having to go to work or school, no family or friends to entertain, just time alone with his new wife, catching back up with her, and doing what they want to do together, whether that be just lying on a beach and talking, or seeing a lot of sites in a hurry, or whatever.  (And when they start off down a sidewalk together, it doesn't make one bit of difference if they both start off on the left foot or not!)

But you know your dad and what he means, of course.  I'm just saying the impression I would have if my dad or someone else said that to or around me.   :)

I think that is a very charitable interpretation! 

(Although I still expect the "original" quote is meant to be a crude old joke about the bride wanting to plan a big event and wear a pretty dress, while the groom wants to finally get into the bride's pants  :-\ ). 
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Cherry91

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #25 on: March 30, 2014, 07:09:53 PM »
It might just be because I have a disproportionate amount of male friends to female (not due to preference, just how it worked out), if any of them gained a fiance and I heard her talking like the bride in the original post, I'd be finding my friend sharpish to go "Dude - ruuuuuuun."

"Everyone knows weddings belong to the bride!"

Maybe it's just because the UK finally made gay marriage legal this week, so it's on my mind, but can you imagine the chaos? Both brides plan their own wedding entirely and are shocked when the other doesn't show up, whereas on the other side the two grooms never actually get married because how can they when they're not allowed to have any opinions on the ceremony or party?
« Last Edit: March 31, 2014, 09:46:45 AM by Cherry91 »

nuit93

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #26 on: March 30, 2014, 07:10:51 PM »
I'd be frustrated if any FH of mine didn't express an opinion about wedding planning!
 
Honestly, weddings are a lot of work.  The groom should be helping out in some capacity.

nuit93

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #27 on: March 30, 2014, 07:12:38 PM »
Some guys don't care.........I would be a little surprised if a guy or girl for that matter who never showed a concern for food or decorating or matching was suddenly debating whether the bridesmaids sashes looked good with the flowers.  I expect people to be who they , so my response would be tempered a little with that basic personality info.

I dunno, I know plenty of men who weren't into those things normally but then became interested once they were engaged (or a bought a house). Is "surprised they're interested" code for "they must be g_y" ?

That's  a huge leap.

Especially considering that my BF (who very much prefers women) has a better eye for what looks good on me than I do.

Kaymar

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #28 on: March 30, 2014, 07:14:37 PM »
I'd be frustrated if any FH of mine didn't express an opinion about wedding planning!
 
Honestly, weddings are a lot of work.  The groom should be helping out in some capacity.

Well, sure, but he might genuinely not care.  I know I don't, and I'm the bride!  But we are both sharing the work because it needs to be done.  There's a difference between not helping out and not having an opinion.  I don't have an opinion about a lot of things for our wedding.

baglady

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Re: "He's not supposed to have an opinion!"
« Reply #29 on: March 30, 2014, 09:24:26 PM »
Quote
I think that for the most part, it is the women who have been fantasizing about their weddings, sometimes for many years.

I wore a white dress. My sister was in the bridal party. Those were the only parts of my teenage fantasy wedding that actually carried over to my actual wedding, when I was 29.

I was going to be married at Christmastime -- December 28th, to be exact, the anniversary of my baptism -- with my bridesmaids in red velvet. We were going to write our own vows and sing them to each other. I was going to wear a hoop skirt.

By the time I actually got engaged, those fantasies had fallen by the wayside. I realized that Christmastime weddings were highly impractical. My groom was tone-deaf, so the singing vows thing was out, even if I still wanted to do them. And the early '70s hoop-skirt revival for wedding gowns had died, along with my taste for them. Also, a lot of my teen wedding fantasies involved a particular guy; when my obsession with teen crush/fantasy future groom fizzled, so did the wedding scenario.

In the end, my real groom had to push me to get involved in wedding planning. When we got down to the nitty gritty, it was way more overwhelming than my teenage fantasy -- all that business with venues and caterers and invitations. I wanted no part of it. We ended up doing all the planning together, but neither of us had any real emotional investment in the particulars.
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