Author Topic: The Polite Letdown  (Read 3645 times)

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DaDancingPsych

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The Polite Letdown
« on: March 30, 2014, 06:36:01 PM »
I went on a first date last night. I had a good time, but I woke up this morning knowing that I just wasn't interested nor ready for anything more (I am coming out of a serious relationship.) At the end of the date, I had indicated that I was interested in a second date, but I just don't want to continue down this road. How do I change my answer? To make matters worse, we were fixed up by a mutual friend... a new friend to me who has been the highlight of my life the last few months. I am worried that my change in attitude will upset her. I don't mean to lead anyone on, but I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

What can I say to my date to indicate that I don't want to move forward (and bonus points if it makes it clear that it really is me!)? He sent me to text message expressing that he had a good time, but I don't know how to respond that I had a good time (because I did), but that doesn't mean that I want another date.

What can I say to my friend that says that her friend was great, but I just don't want to move forward and don't want it to harm our friendship? She really doesn't know about my background and what I am attempting to move on from.

Stricken_Halo

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2014, 06:54:21 PM »
If his text just said that he had a good time but he's made no attempts to plan a second date, he may not be interested in moving forward either. You can just say "Me too" and leave it at that; if he does take that as a sign that you want to get together again, then you can give your version of the "It's not you, it's me"--explain that you're not ready yet, even though you thought you were. Add some comments about his good points and that he deserves someone who's ready for a rel@tionship, if you wish. If it's possible you could change your mind after you've had more time to recover from your breakup, say so, but don't give him false hope if you really aren't feeling it.

As for your friend, you could say something like, "Mike was very nice and we had a good time, but I've come to realize I'm not ready to date again." I can't see her becoming angry over that.

PastryGoddess

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2014, 06:55:34 PM »
I would just shoot him a quick text saying that it was nice to meet him too.  If he asks about a second date you can respond that you're not interested in moving forward.  Wish him the best of luck and say goodbye.  Don't offer to be friends.

Your friend has nothing to do with it and I wouldn't even bother contacting her.  If she asks you directly, you can tell her you weren't interested in moving forward with him.  If it harms your friendship, that's on her.  Not you

DaDancingPsych

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2014, 06:58:20 PM »
I should probably have added that he did mention a second date at the end of the first date and I had indicated that I would be interested. (At the time, I thought I wanted to explore things further, but this morning I realized I didn't want to.) So, I assume that he is going to ask for a second.

bloo

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2014, 07:11:49 PM »
I would just shoot him a quick text saying that it was nice to meet him too.  If he asks about a second date you can respond that you're not interested in moving forward.  Wish him the best of luck and say goodbye.  Don't offer to be friends.

Your friend has nothing to do with it and I wouldn't even bother contacting her.  If she asks you directly, you can tell her you weren't interested in moving forward with him.  If it harms your friendship, that's on her.  Not you

Again agreeing with PastryGoddess! :)

This has to do with feelings, which wax and wane. One cannot perfectly predict how they're going to feel the next day about something. It's totally reasonable to be a bit mixed up emotionally from one day to the next in your circumstances, OP.

PastryGoddess

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2014, 07:15:12 PM »
I should probably have added that he did mention a second date at the end of the first date and I had indicated that I would be interested. (At the time, I thought I wanted to explore things further, but this morning I realized I didn't want to.) So, I assume that he is going to ask for a second.


Don't answer questions he hasn't asked yet.  He hasn't asked you on a second date, he simply said that it was nice to meet you.  And that was very nice of him.  Him being nice and you having no chemistry are not mutually exclusive. 

DaDancingPsych

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2014, 07:17:26 PM »
I would just shoot him a quick text saying that it was nice to meet him too.  If he asks about a second date you can respond that you're not interested in moving forward.  Wish him the best of luck and say goodbye.  Don't offer to be friends.

Your friend has nothing to do with it and I wouldn't even bother contacting her.  If she asks you directly, you can tell her you weren't interested in moving forward with him.  If it harms your friendship, that's on her.  Not you

Again agreeing with PastryGoddess! :)

This has to do with feelings, which wax and wane. One cannot perfectly predict how they're going to feel the next day about something. It's totally reasonable to be a bit mixed up emotionally from one day to the next in your circumstances, OP.

Thank you for this reassurance! I felt pretty terrible feeling so differently today. Thank you!

I certainly don't plan to answer an unasked question, but I'm 90% sure that when I indicate that I had a good time that I know what question is coming next... just trying to be prepared.

purple

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #7 on: March 31, 2014, 01:10:28 AM »
I would just shoot him a quick text saying that it was nice to meet him too.  If he asks about a second date you can respond that you're not interested in moving forward.  Wish him the best of luck and say goodbye.  Don't offer to be friends.

Your friend has nothing to do with it and I wouldn't even bother contacting her.  If she asks you directly, you can tell her you weren't interested in moving forward with him.  If it harms your friendship, that's on her.  Not you

Again agreeing with PastryGoddess! :)

This has to do with feelings, which wax and wane. One cannot perfectly predict how they're going to feel the next day about something. It's totally reasonable to be a bit mixed up emotionally from one day to the next in your circumstances, OP.

Thank you for this reassurance! I felt pretty terrible feeling so differently today. Thank you!

I certainly don't plan to answer an unasked question, but I'm 90% sure that when I indicate that I had a good time that I know what question is coming next... just trying to be prepared.

Maybe.  Maybe not.

If he had indicated that he'd like a second date at the end of the first one, I would've expected his text to perhaps be more along the lines of "Hey had a great time last night, how's your calendar looking for this weekend? Wanna do dinner on Saturday again?"

He may have woken up in the light of a new day and realised that he was also caught up in the moment and doesn't actually want a second date.  Perhaps he felt a bit bad to have led you to believe that he did want a second date and so he is now giving you the polite let down by at least texting to say that he had a nice time.

DaDancingPsych

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2014, 05:56:29 AM »
I would just shoot him a quick text saying that it was nice to meet him too.  If he asks about a second date you can respond that you're not interested in moving forward.  Wish him the best of luck and say goodbye.  Don't offer to be friends.

Your friend has nothing to do with it and I wouldn't even bother contacting her.  If she asks you directly, you can tell her you weren't interested in moving forward with him.  If it harms your friendship, that's on her.  Not you

Again agreeing with PastryGoddess! :)

This has to do with feelings, which wax and wane. One cannot perfectly predict how they're going to feel the next day about something. It's totally reasonable to be a bit mixed up emotionally from one day to the next in your circumstances, OP.

Thank you for this reassurance! I felt pretty terrible feeling so differently today. Thank you!

I certainly don't plan to answer an unasked question, but I'm 90% sure that when I indicate that I had a good time that I know what question is coming next... just trying to be prepared.

Maybe.  Maybe not.

If he had indicated that he'd like a second date at the end of the first one, I would've expected his text to perhaps be more along the lines of "Hey had a great time last night, how's your calendar looking for this weekend? Wanna do dinner on Saturday again?"

He may have woken up in the light of a new day and realised that he was also caught up in the moment and doesn't actually want a second date.  Perhaps he felt a bit bad to have led you to believe that he did want a second date and so he is now giving you the polite let down by at least texting to say that he had a nice time.

I hope that you are right. I hope that he experienced the same change of heart as I did. I suppose that's why I said "90% sure", as it is completely a possibility. But I guess I am preparing myself with polite and thoughtful ways of handling the possibility that he may ask for a second date... as a general topic of discussion there must be ways to handle this situation.

aussie_chick

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2014, 06:25:07 AM »
I think a couple of things are important here.
First - you had a nice time, the guy was polite enough and he's sent a text. Even though there was no specific question in the text that requires you to reply, i think it's polite to reply with something like "it was nice to meet you"
Second - if he asks you out for a second date. be honest. E.g I had a nice time at dinner/the movie/drinks (whatever it was) but I don't want to take things any further at the moment.
Or if there is any way you're interested in a friendship with the guy just not a romance, take the upper hand, ask him out for a coffee and talk to him face to face. Obviously you don't owe him this at all and it's not my preference as a first option because it can be problematic, but given it's a friend of a good friend maybe some face to face let down is a nice idea.
Some posters might jump on me for that but I didn't get the impression he was in any way freaky or suspect.
Also for what it's worth, someone told me they weren't interested like that. It was refreshing.

DaDancingPsych

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2014, 02:43:31 PM »
Thanks everyone for your help! I did finally reply with a version of "me too" and as I figured, I was invited out again this weekend. I feel like a terrible person, but I did my best to be thoughtful and polite in my decline. If healing a broken heart isn't hard enough, try doing it while rejecting someone else!   :-\  Either way, I think I was successful and will remain out of E-Hell for the day!

Thank you for your etiquette advice *and* your reassurance that I am not evil!

MonteCristo

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2014, 04:08:21 PM »
I have absolutely no dating experience, and I realize that this has been resolved, so this is just a general question to the group, but why would someone respond to the "I had a good time" text at all if you weren't really interested?  I wouldn't consider that rude, since it wasn't a question or anything that required a response, and would sort of indicate that you weren't all that eager, which might have spared the guy getting turned down for the second date.

 

wolfie

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2014, 04:10:36 PM »
I have absolutely no dating experience, and I realize that this has been resolved, so this is just a general question to the group, but why would someone respond to the "I had a good time" text at all if you weren't really interested?  I wouldn't consider that rude, since it wasn't a question or anything that required a response, and would sort of indicate that you weren't all that eager, which might have spared the guy getting turned down for the second date.

For me because i hate it when people just disappear. I would rather you say "you know I just don't think we click" rather then sit and wonder what happened to you.

MonteCristo

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2014, 04:13:39 PM »
I have absolutely no dating experience, and I realize that this has been resolved, so this is just a general question to the group, but why would someone respond to the "I had a good time" text at all if you weren't really interested?  I wouldn't consider that rude, since it wasn't a question or anything that required a response, and would sort of indicate that you weren't all that eager, which might have spared the guy getting turned down for the second date.

For me because i hate it when people just disappear. I would rather you say "you know I just don't think we click" rather then sit and wonder what happened to you.

That sort of makes sense, but I guess I don't consider not responding to every single text as "disappearing".  It is probably just me though, I'm basically a loner by nature.

TurtleDove

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #14 on: April 03, 2014, 04:20:59 PM »
I have absolutely no dating experience, and I realize that this has been resolved, so this is just a general question to the group, but why would someone respond to the "I had a good time" text at all if you weren't really interested?  I wouldn't consider that rude, since it wasn't a question or anything that required a response, and would sort of indicate that you weren't all that eager, which might have spared the guy getting turned down for the second date.

For me because i hate it when people just disappear. I would rather you say "you know I just don't think we click" rather then sit and wonder what happened to you.

This is me too.  I think early on "disappearing" is okay, but when there is some sort of expectation of future interaction I think it is best to be clear that you don't intend to engage in that future interaction.