Author Topic: The Polite Letdown  (Read 3721 times)

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GreenBird

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2014, 04:52:07 PM »
I have absolutely no dating experience, and I realize that this has been resolved, so this is just a general question to the group, but why would someone respond to the "I had a good time" text at all if you weren't really interested?  I wouldn't consider that rude, since it wasn't a question or anything that required a response, and would sort of indicate that you weren't all that eager, which might have spared the guy getting turned down for the second date.

For me because i hate it when people just disappear. I would rather you say "you know I just don't think we click" rather then sit and wonder what happened to you.

POD - I'd much rather be told what's going on.  This way I'm not left wondering - did they get the message I sent?  Did it go astray?  Are they just short on time?  Did I miss a message they sent?  Are they fading out, or am I missing something?  Much easier to just be told "we just didn't click". 

wolfie

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #16 on: April 03, 2014, 05:07:05 PM »
I have absolutely no dating experience, and I realize that this has been resolved, so this is just a general question to the group, but why would someone respond to the "I had a good time" text at all if you weren't really interested?  I wouldn't consider that rude, since it wasn't a question or anything that required a response, and would sort of indicate that you weren't all that eager, which might have spared the guy getting turned down for the second date.

For me because i hate it when people just disappear. I would rather you say "you know I just don't think we click" rather then sit and wonder what happened to you.

That sort of makes sense, but I guess I don't consider not responding to every single text as "disappearing".  It is probably just me though, I'm basically a loner by nature.

There is a big difference between not responding to every single text and never responding to anything again.  We are talking about never responding to anything again.

PastryGoddess

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #17 on: April 03, 2014, 06:43:25 PM »
I have absolutely no dating experience, and I realize that this has been resolved, so this is just a general question to the group, but why would someone respond to the "I had a good time" text at all if you weren't really interested?  I wouldn't consider that rude, since it wasn't a question or anything that required a response, and would sort of indicate that you weren't all that eager, which might have spared the guy getting turned down for the second date.

 

Because it's polite.  A polite message deserves a response whether it's via phone, text, email, carrier pigeon, etc.  If someone takes the time out of their day to meet with you and hang out for a couple of hours;  The least you can say is thank you in some way, shape or form.  YMMV

Polly

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2014, 07:12:39 PM »
I have VERY mixed views on this, which probably isn't helpful.

Ethically, I would feel if I had been out with someone and had a nice time, but didn't want to see them again, the polite thing to do would be to TELL them that, nicely and with lots of respect.

However, I have been on the receiving end, and in fact getting an explanation in black and white (or the text message equivalent!) hurt more. We'd met in a bar, met up once after that, had fun, I texted to say hi a few days later, and got a long text back about how he didn't want to hurt me but this wasn't going anywhere. I effectively felt like I had been dumped by someone I didn't even know I was going out with. He over-explained relative to our relationship I guess; in  that case not hearing from him might have been easier in a way than being outright rejected.

And then the next extreme...I've been seeing someone I like on and off for AGES...but they won't give me any idea what's going on. This is totally on me. I've reverted to teenagehood...I cannot ask. At this point, even though we are not going out, however it ends it will probably hurt a lot just because we've been hanging out so long and I care about this person. I don't want to NOT see them any more, but if it isn't happening, a polite let down a long time ago would probably have been easier.

So, on balance, I think I am in favour of polite honesty - without making too big a deal of it.

Cali.in.UK

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #19 on: April 04, 2014, 06:13:26 AM »
In normal circumstances (not romantic) I agree that its polite to respond, however after a first date I think responses can be confusing because people might not be looking for regular etiquette but for hints if the person is interested in them. I think responses, even simple ones like "I had a good time too", could be misleading. I say this because personally, if my date wrote that back, I'd interpret it to mean they were interested in me.
I also agree with Polly, that even though it doesn't feel great to be ignored, sometimes the black and white explanation very early on is more hurtful and might come off a but harsh after only one date.
OP, your story reminded me of one time where I was in your shoes, and after meeting a guy and planning a date I had a change of heart. I decided to do the black and white explanation and saying that the guy did not take it well would be an understatement, there was an awkward conversation followed by an angry, drunken call later that night.
But you did nothing wrong and its an awkward situation with the mutual friend and the fluctuating feelings. I think it was good for you to respond because of the mutual friend so you two might cross paths again. I hope it all works out and keep us updated!

DavidH

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #20 on: April 07, 2014, 02:51:17 PM »
I think you are obliged to respond with something, since it's rude to just drop off the end of the earth in this type of circumstance.  As a rule, if you wouldn't do it live, then don't do it on the phone or text or email.  So if you the person said to you live, I had a good time, most people would consider it polite to either say something along the lines of so did I or to, thank you for the evening.  It would be quite rude to just turn on your heel and walk away without saying anything at all. 

If I wanted to convey a complex thought, like I had a good time, but I'm not ready to date anyone right now, and it has nothing to do with you, but all to do with where I am right now, I'd call rather than text, since texting doesn't seem to convey complex thoughts well, but that's just me. 

bopper

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #21 on: April 07, 2014, 04:02:24 PM »
"Thank you for the date...I did have a nice time but it made me realize that I am not ready to go further in a relationship at this point."

DaDancingPsych

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #22 on: April 29, 2014, 04:12:33 PM »
I had not realized that this thread had continued with a new life!   :)

I have absolutely no dating experience, and I realize that this has been resolved, so this is just a general question to the group, but why would someone respond to the "I had a good time" text at all if you weren't really interested?  I wouldn't consider that rude, since it wasn't a question or anything that required a response, and would sort of indicate that you weren't all that eager, which might have spared the guy getting turned down for the second date.

As the OP, I felt it necessary to respond, because there is a good chance that I will see this guy again. While no one likes a rejection (of any sort), I think dropping off the face of the Earth would have created more drama than needed. He likely would have sent another message (or two) and I think it would have been worse to let him down after more time had passed. Or would have approached the mutual friend for feedback and she could have been pulled into the middle. Or I time could have passed and I could have run into him at a gathering and a "why didn't you call" scene could have played out. It could have easily turned out to be messier than it did.

But I still would have responded even if there was a much slimmer chance of seeing him again. Personally, I think being rejected sucks, but being in the unknown limbo is worse. However, I suppose we each have our preference... maybe I should open dates with "how do you prefer to be rejected?"

Someone mentioned an update... and I don't really have anything worthy of posting, but since I'm here...

He never responded to my rejection. That's fine with me. I haven't seen him since our date, but I am hopeful that things won't be too awkward if our paths do cross.

As for the mutual friend... well, I want to kick her (in that friendly sort of way.) In my OP I said that she "fixed us up", which I thought is what she was doing. (When she introduced the two of us, she dropped a HUGE hint that we were both single.) I know for a fact that my date took that to mean the same thing as I did, because he mentioned it during our evening together. Turns out that was not her intentions and she was actually thinking that he would be better suited for another friend at the party!!! Opps! Prior to accepting the date, I did check with her for approval (not that it was needed, but I thought it gave her the opportunity to give me a big warning flag if needed.) I suppose that if I was in her shoes and I had two great friends who I thought were not right for each other, I would have let things play out, too. But I wish she had somehow let me know that it was ok if we were not a match.   :P

Anyways, when I broke the news that I had rejected his offer for a second date, she seemed to understand completely. She has never brought this up again, so hopefully all the e-Hell advice helped to make my letdown as kind and polite as possible.

Raintree

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Re: The Polite Letdown
« Reply #23 on: April 30, 2014, 01:58:59 AM »
"Thank you for the date...I did have a nice time but it made me realize that I am not ready to go further in a relationship at this point."

I said something to this effect once, but I think he thought I was some poor damaged soul who needed time to resolve my feelings after being hurt before, or something (he had mentioned on the date "I hear you've had some really bad relationships" which floored me because it meant the friend who set us up said something, and what she said was wildly inaccurate, and I thought it was a highly inappropriate thing to bring up anyway).

Six months later he tried to ask me out again. So.......I'm not a big fan of the "I'm not ready for a relationship" line, because then they could just end up waiting for you to be "ready" when in reality you aren't interested in THEM.