Author Topic: how do you feel about wedding announcements?  (Read 2503 times)

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lellah

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how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« on: April 01, 2014, 08:57:31 PM »
I'm having a small wedding and am planning to send announcement to all of those second cousins and work friends and so forth that I would invite to a 250 person wedding that I wouldn't to a 50 person one.  You could generally consider them people on my Christmas card list or my parents' or my fiance's parents', just for reference.   

I am sensitive to seeming gift-grabby. Since announcements are so seldom sent these days, do you think my "hey, life event, Cousin Hakeem!" announcement will seem incorrect to many people? 

Kaymar

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2014, 09:00:19 PM »
It seems a bit anachronistic.  As someone who's having a wedding with a small (40-45) person guest list, anyone else who would be interested to know that we are getting married will no doubt hear by other means.  It feels like a gift grab to send announcements.

Library Dragon

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2014, 09:17:47 PM »
Things are a but different with social media and my opinion may be colored by that fact that we used announcements.....

We were stationed overseas with any military friends spread out. Announcements were the only way, other than writing 200 personal letters, everyone was going to be notified.  We still use announcements for some events because many of our spread out friends don't use social media.  Face What?  Friend Sean in Nebraska doesn't know any of our other friends or family.  If we didnt "announce" an event he wouldn't know for months.

It's an announcement, not an invitation to an event you know they cannot attend.  I don't think it's gift grabby.

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TootsNYC

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2014, 09:24:31 PM »
I think a lot of people don't "get" announcements. The formality of it often makes people think that a gift is connected. The format is too similar to an actual invitation.

So I think if you choose a very informal format, that might be smart.

Something like:

We wanted to let you know
Bride and Groom were married
on this date in this city.
Their address is XXXX.

Or, "Update your address books: Bride & Groom were married ...."

Including address info (as well as info on whether the bride has changed her name or not) also helps give an obvious reason for sending a mass mailing that has nothing to do with gifts, and everything to do with communication, family ties, Christmas card lists, etc.


Technically you shouldn't have to do this. But I think you're right to be worried about how it will look to the people who don't know any better. They'd be wrong, but you'd still live with the fallout.

CinnaMom

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2014, 09:48:02 PM »
I do agree that in this day and age, announcements can be seen as more of a request (for gifts). But, much also depends on your personal "style," in terms of what kind of precedent you've set with this kind of communication in the past. Do you often send letters by post? Thank you notes? Things like that? Or do you do most of your socialization in the electronic realm, as so many of us do these days? If you're the type of person who is known for stylish/formal communication via post, then it's much less likely that the announcement will be seen merely as a gift grab.

sammycat

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2014, 10:10:53 PM »
I wouldn't see an announcement as  a request for a present. (If that actually is the intention of the HC sending it out, then they'll be out of luck by sending one to me).

If I'm not close enough to the HC to be invited to the wedding, or to even hear about it on the grapevine, then I'm probably going to be puzzled as to why I'm receiving an announcement, and likely won't care anyway.


lellah

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2014, 09:18:08 AM »
I do agree that in this day and age, announcements can be seen as more of a request (for gifts). But, much also depends on your personal "style," in terms of what kind of precedent you've set with this kind of communication in the past. Do you often send letters by post? Thank you notes? Things like that? Or do you do most of your socialization in the electronic realm, as so many of us do these days? If you're the type of person who is known for stylish/formal communication via post, then it's much less likely that the announcement will be seen merely as a gift grab.

I am an inveterate mailer of things.  Generally I send a minimum of two letters and five greeting cards per month and have sent sympathy cards, get wells, birthday cards, etc  to most of the people I'd send announcements to.  Does this change anything?  Or shall I simply mention the news in the next correspondence?

jmarvellous

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #7 on: April 02, 2014, 09:29:02 AM »
We had a 40-person wedding; I offered to print announcements for my mom's and in-laws' friends and family who we weren't able to invite.
Nobody cared to do so because they were actually quite excited about being able to "announce" it in person again and again; they were leery of looking like gift-grabbers, too.

I think that if you're a regular letter/card-writer, then you should just write about it in those letters. It's also appropriate for a Christmas card.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2014, 09:59:14 AM »
I like getting announcements and don't consider them check requests. So I vote for sending them.

Just as I like to know that Cousin Sam graduated from college or high school, I also like knowing that Cousin Cindy married Jim Smith and they now live at xyz address. 

I don't FB much and don't care to receive my notices that way - others may, there is no right or wrong way to do it, I just personally prefer the printed by mail method.


TootsNYC

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2014, 10:57:16 AM »
I do agree that in this day and age, announcements can be seen as more of a request (for gifts). But, much also depends on your personal "style," in terms of what kind of precedent you've set with this kind of communication in the past. Do you often send letters by post? Thank you notes? Things like that? Or do you do most of your socialization in the electronic realm, as so many of us do these days? If you're the type of person who is known for stylish/formal communication via post, then it's much less likely that the announcement will be seen merely as a gift grab.

I am an inveterate mailer of things.  Generally I send a minimum of two letters and five greeting cards per month and have sent sympathy cards, get wells, birthday cards, etc  to most of the people I'd send announcements to.  Does this change anything?  Or shall I simply mention the news in the next correspondence?

Actually, I think the last idea--mentioning it in your next correspondence--might seem more natural (and less a gift grab). At least, more natural than a formally worded announcement.

But I think if you choose a less formal format, that an independent mailing will seem perfectly fine as well.
  I think it's the "announce the marriage of..." wording, and its formality, that make it resemble wedding invitations and confused the not-etiquette-savvy of the world.

Ceallach

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2014, 06:16:30 AM »
I definitely don't understand wedding announcements sent to people.  To me it comes across almost like rubbing people's faces in it e.g.  "Look we got married! You didn't make the cut though!"

I guess I figure if they're close enough for personal, direct communication about the wedding then they're close enough to invite.   I do understand the tradition behind it, I've just never personally felt right about it.   I don't think they are gift grabby though, I certainly would feel no obligation to send a gift!   I would love to hear about the wedding but as pp mentioned perhaps in a more natural way in regular communication rather than a wedding announcement in my mailbox. This is just my personal preference.
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camlan

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2014, 07:03:24 AM »
As a member of a large extended family, I wish some of my cousins who choose to have smaller weddings had sent some sort of announcement, whether post card, email, or text. I knew in a vague way from my aunts and other cousins that these people were getting married, but not when, not where and not to whom. I will also admit that it is easier for me to remember something when I've read it, rather than hearing it in a quick conversation at a busy family get-together.

I'd like to know when they got married, as I sort of keep a record of family things, and what the spouse's name is, and how both halves of the couple wants to be addressed, things like that.

So I like Toot's idea of something fairly informal, with your new address or any name changes to give a bit more reason for the communication.

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gellchom

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2014, 02:52:33 PM »
I agree with those posters who say that although announcements are perfectly correct and do not obligate the recipient to send a gift, there could be many recipients who nevertheless do see them as a bid for gifts.  And even those who do know this may wonder, because announcements are so rare now.  I cannot remember the last time I got one -- many, many years.  It doesn't matter what the rule is if what you are concerned about is not only whether you are technically correct but also about how they will feel and how you will look. 

sammycat's observation hit it on the head for me:
Quote
If I'm not close enough to the HC to be invited to the wedding, or to even hear about it on the grapevine, then I'm probably going to be puzzled as to why I'm receiving an announcement, and likely won't care anyway.
As others have noted, there are so many ways now in which people get news about each other, there isn't the necessity today that perhaps there once was for mailed, formal announcements.  You can easily tell the handful who wouldn't otherwise hear some other way.  So I think that if I received one, I might wonder if it was a prompt for a gift or some sort of extra fuss, for exactly the reasons that sammycat said.

I might feel different if the couple had eloped or married on the fly with just immediate family.  In that case, I can kind of see the couple, or maybe their parents, wanting to get a little bit of that community & family wedding feeling, not necessarily even thinking about gifts, and this would be one way to do it.  But a 50 person wedding would do that, so in this case I'm afraid the effect might be like Ceallach describes:
Quote
To me it comes across almost like rubbing people's faces in it e.g.  "Look we got married! You didn't make the cut though!"

But I certainly don't think there is a problem with your letting people know.  I agree with the posters who said to do it in other correspondence, however you usually communicate with people.  As you frequently send cards and letters, that would be ideal.  For anyone who isn't getting one any time soon, you could call, write a note, or email, however you usually communicate with them.  Some of them would surely have heard already from other relatives and such anyway.

If you really, really want to send out announcements, I suppose you could add "Please no gifts."  Of course it is incorrect, but it would in my opinion neutralize any "Is this to try to get me to send a gift?" effect.

Luci

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2014, 03:26:48 PM »
We were married in 1966, with 18 people attending the wedding, including the minister. It was a 'small white wedding' in the church, and our marriage made a difference to everyone's life except the minister. It was our choice. Mom had cancer, Dad's oldest sister dying, my recent tonsillectomy, Dad's being one of 9, mother-in-law's being one of 7, and my basic shyness for that many people!

Mom sent out wedding announcements to all the families and friends  a week after the wedding. They were engraved and formally worded as per 1950's (yes, 50) etiquette. One person apologized for not coming to the wedding but he received the "invitation" late. That was the only weird comment we received. There weren't nearly as many gifts sent as announcements, and I was surprised at each one. I guess most people understood the manners of the time and didn't feel compelled to send gifts, which were a lot less expected for every little thing than they are now.

I am sorry to see that time go, but doubt that I would send announcements out now. A note in the Christmas card and word of mouth would be all I would expect.

Tea Drinker

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Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2014, 09:40:08 PM »
I do agree that in this day and age, announcements can be seen as more of a request (for gifts). But, much also depends on your personal "style," in terms of what kind of precedent you've set with this kind of communication in the past. Do you often send letters by post? Thank you notes? Things like that? Or do you do most of your socialization in the electronic realm, as so many of us do these days? If you're the type of person who is known for stylish/formal communication via post, then it's much less likely that the announcement will be seen merely as a gift grab.

I am an inveterate mailer of things.  Generally I send a minimum of two letters and five greeting cards per month and have sent sympathy cards, get wells, birthday cards, etc  to most of the people I'd send announcements to.  Does this change anything?  Or shall I simply mention the news in the next correspondence?

If you're in the habit of writing to people anyhow, then including it as part of a letter makes sense. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a short letter that just says you got married recently, updates and/or confirms name and address information (whether or not you're changing your name, someone will probably assume the other, and there may be someone else who never heard your fiance's last name and isn't sure of his first name, because it was awfully noisy at that party), and asks how the other person is doing. I don't know your family or friends well enough to know whether they would be startled to get a card that basically said "Dear Cousin, Happy birthday. Robin and I got married a couple of months ago, Love leilah." Christmas cards overlap into those "here's what we've been up to for the last year, with a cute picture of the dog" Christmas newsletters, so I wouldn't find it odd to find mention of a wedding in either a card or a newsletter (though I also wouldn't want to bet on people actually reading a Christmas card, rather than looking at it, and just noting who it's from and putting it on display.
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