Author Topic: how do you feel about wedding announcements?  (Read 2685 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Ceallach

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4815
    • This Is It
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #15 on: April 05, 2014, 05:25:52 AM »
I definitely think that whether or not sending snail mail communication to people is a norm for you does make a difference.   I stopped years ago so it would be extra "huh" to people if I sent them an announcement.  If it's more usual for you then I doubt people would find it odd or gift grabby.   In fact if you're a regular correspondent it would almost seem odd not to.   So I definitely see how circumstances may vary.
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6785
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #16 on: April 05, 2014, 08:48:31 AM »
I love wedding announcements.

It tells me what name the bride plans to use, where they will be living, and in some cases does make me aware of the wedding. I've had friends who eloped to Hawaii, second cousins who had a low key immediate family only wedding, and an ex co-worker who married her live in SO of 10 years in a JP mid week wedding. In all 3 of those cases I learned of the event through the announcement.

I much prefer the card versus a FB post or hearing about it via word of mouth.

I feel no more pressure about gift giving based on an announcement of a wedding than I do for a card letting me know a friend has moved.

If someone expects a gift based on an announcement from me and gets upset because I don't send one then that's their issue, not mine. There is no social rule saying a gift is required.

refereetoo0

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #17 on: April 09, 2014, 01:25:00 PM »
Pod

peaches

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 881
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #18 on: April 09, 2014, 02:43:23 PM »
We were married in 1966, with 18 people attending the wedding, including the minister. It was a 'small white wedding' in the church, and our marriage made a difference to everyone's life except the minister. It was our choice. Mom had cancer, Dad's oldest sister dying, my recent tonsillectomy, Dad's being one of 9, mother-in-law's being one of 7, and my basic shyness for that many people!

Mom sent out wedding announcements to all the families and friends  a week after the wedding. They were engraved and formally worded as per 1950's (yes, 50) etiquette. One person apologized for not coming to the wedding but he received the "invitation" late. That was the only weird comment we received. There weren't nearly as many gifts sent as announcements, and I was surprised at each one. I guess most people understood the manners of the time and didn't feel compelled to send gifts, which were a lot less expected for every little thing than they are now.

I am sorry to see that time go, but doubt that I would send announcements out now. A note in the Christmas card and word of mouth would be all I would expect.

I think this gets to the heart of the issue. And that is, while wedding announcements can be practical and they carry no expectation of gifts, they are so rare today as to seem quaint and out-of-date.

I'd prefer spreading the news and updating people as you normally communicate with them. It seems more natural and un-stuffy. And it removes the possibility of misunderstanding about gifts.

I enjoyed your story Luci45.  :)


gellchom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2371
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #19 on: April 09, 2014, 03:22:41 PM »
I love wedding announcements.

It tells me what name the bride plans to use, where they will be living, and in some cases does make me aware of the wedding. I've had friends who eloped to Hawaii, second cousins who had a low key immediate family only wedding, and an ex co-worker who married her live in SO of 10 years in a JP mid week wedding. In all 3 of those cases I learned of the event through the announcement.

I much prefer the card versus a FB post or hearing about it via word of mouth.

I feel no more pressure about gift giving based on an announcement of a wedding than I do for a card letting me know a friend has moved.

If someone expects a gift based on an announcement from me and gets upset because I don't send one then that's their issue, not mine. There is no social rule saying a gift is required.

I feel the same way that you do, hmmmm.  But the bolded is where people get into trouble.

Yes, absolutely, the etiquette rule is that announcements are perfectly proper and do not obligate the recipient to send a gift.  And yes, absolutely, the logical inference is that therefore the recipient should not see an announcement as a bid for a gift or attention or any other improper purpose.

I agree with all that 100%.

However.

The OP is wondering what kind of impression sending announcements will have.  We aren't the ones she's sending them too, so it doesn't matter that WE get it.  And she cannot control whether people know the above, or whether, even if they do, they will nevertheless question her motives or think it looks off in some way.

It's easy enough to say that if others are bothered, that "that's their issue."  But all that does is assign the blame.  If your goal is to avoid creating a negative impression, not just to be secure in the knowledge that you are blameless if you do, then the rules just don't answer the question of what to do.

Like, say, if you refuse to use the response card enclosed with a wedding invitation, and instead, on your personal letter paper, in black or blue-black ink, with the lines centered, write "Mr. and Mrs. Smith/accept the kind invitation/of/Mr. and Mrs. Jones/for April 32, 2015," you are perfectly -- indeed, excruciatingly, as Miss Manners puts it -- correct.  So if the recipients think you are being pretentious and flaunting your superior knowledge of etiquette and probably looking down on them for their incorrect inclusion of the response cards in the first place -- well, "that's their issue."  But if they do, they do, and there isn't anything you can do about it.

Same here.  I know the rules, and I get the advantages, and I know that anyone receiving an announcement about our daughter's upcoming wedding "shouldn't" feel it is a bid for a gift or attention or a "nyah-nyah this happened and you weren't invited."  But given how rare announcements are these days, and the many other ways people now have of hearing about such news, and given that it isn't to be a tiny-tiny family only wedding, I wouldn't blame them if they wondered about our motives.  So we aren't sending them.

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6785
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #20 on: April 09, 2014, 08:49:46 PM »
I love wedding announcements.

It tells me what name the bride plans to use, where they will be living, and in some cases does make me aware of the wedding. I've had friends who eloped to Hawaii, second cousins who had a low key immediate family only wedding, and an ex co-worker who married her live in SO of 10 years in a JP mid week wedding. In all 3 of those cases I learned of the event through the announcement.

I much prefer the card versus a FB post or hearing about it via word of mouth.

I feel no more pressure about gift giving based on an announcement of a wedding than I do for a card letting me know a friend has moved.

If someone expects a gift based on an announcement from me and gets upset because I don't send one then that's their issue, not mine. There is no social rule saying a gift is required.

I feel the same way that you do, hmmmm.  But the bolded is where people get into trouble.

Yes, absolutely, the etiquette rule is that announcements are perfectly proper and do not obligate the recipient to send a gift.  And yes, absolutely, the logical inference is that therefore the recipient should not see an announcement as a bid for a gift or attention or any other improper purpose.

I agree with all that 100%.

However.

The OP is wondering what kind of impression sending announcements will have.  We aren't the ones she's sending them too, so it doesn't matter that WE get it.  And she cannot control whether people know the above, or whether, even if they do, they will nevertheless question her motives or think it looks off in some way.

It's easy enough to say that if others are bothered, that "that's their issue."  But all that does is assign the blame.  If your goal is to avoid creating a negative impression, not just to be secure in the knowledge that you are blameless if you do, then the rules just don't answer the question of what to do.

Like, say, if you refuse to use the response card enclosed with a wedding invitation, and instead, on your personal letter paper, in black or blue-black ink, with the lines centered, write "Mr. and Mrs. Smith/accept the kind invitation/of/Mr. and Mrs. Jones/for April 32, 2015," you are perfectly -- indeed, excruciatingly, as Miss Manners puts it -- correct.  So if the recipients think you are being pretentious and flaunting your superior knowledge of etiquette and probably looking down on them for their incorrect inclusion of the response cards in the first place -- well, "that's their issue."  But if they do, they do, and there isn't anything you can do about it.

Same here.  I know the rules, and I get the advantages, and I know that anyone receiving an announcement about our daughter's upcoming wedding "shouldn't" feel it is a bid for a gift or attention or a "nyah-nyah this happened and you weren't invited."  But given how rare announcements are these days, and the many other ways people now have of hearing about such news, and given that it isn't to be a tiny-tiny family only wedding, I wouldn't blame them if they wondered about our motives.  So we aren't sending them.

In my world they aren't that rare for small weddings. Like I said, I've received 3 in the last 5 years. And I have never heard of any friend or family member believing an announcement is a gift grab. So I wouldn't assume my family and friends would automatically assign boorish behavior.

I strongly dislike people not doing their preferred socially acceptable behavior because of a concern of what a small percentage would think.

Ceallach

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4815
    • This Is It
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #21 on: April 09, 2014, 11:34:41 PM »
I love wedding announcements.

It tells me what name the bride plans to use, where they will be living, and in some cases does make me aware of the wedding. I've had friends who eloped to Hawaii, second cousins who had a low key immediate family only wedding, and an ex co-worker who married her live in SO of 10 years in a JP mid week wedding. In all 3 of those cases I learned of the event through the announcement.

I much prefer the card versus a FB post or hearing about it via word of mouth.

I feel no more pressure about gift giving based on an announcement of a wedding than I do for a card letting me know a friend has moved.

If someone expects a gift based on an announcement from me and gets upset because I don't send one then that's their issue, not mine. There is no social rule saying a gift is required.

I feel the same way that you do, hmmmm.  But the bolded is where people get into trouble.

Yes, absolutely, the etiquette rule is that announcements are perfectly proper and do not obligate the recipient to send a gift.  And yes, absolutely, the logical inference is that therefore the recipient should not see an announcement as a bid for a gift or attention or any other improper purpose.

I agree with all that 100%.

However.

The OP is wondering what kind of impression sending announcements will have.  We aren't the ones she's sending them too, so it doesn't matter that WE get it.  And she cannot control whether people know the above, or whether, even if they do, they will nevertheless question her motives or think it looks off in some way.

It's easy enough to say that if others are bothered, that "that's their issue."  But all that does is assign the blame.  If your goal is to avoid creating a negative impression, not just to be secure in the knowledge that you are blameless if you do, then the rules just don't answer the question of what to do.

Like, say, if you refuse to use the response card enclosed with a wedding invitation, and instead, on your personal letter paper, in black or blue-black ink, with the lines centered, write "Mr. and Mrs. Smith/accept the kind invitation/of/Mr. and Mrs. Jones/for April 32, 2015," you are perfectly -- indeed, excruciatingly, as Miss Manners puts it -- correct.  So if the recipients think you are being pretentious and flaunting your superior knowledge of etiquette and probably looking down on them for their incorrect inclusion of the response cards in the first place -- well, "that's their issue."  But if they do, they do, and there isn't anything you can do about it.

Same here.  I know the rules, and I get the advantages, and I know that anyone receiving an announcement about our daughter's upcoming wedding "shouldn't" feel it is a bid for a gift or attention or a "nyah-nyah this happened and you weren't invited."  But given how rare announcements are these days, and the many other ways people now have of hearing about such news, and given that it isn't to be a tiny-tiny family only wedding, I wouldn't blame them if they wondered about our motives.  So we aren't sending them.

In my world they aren't that rare for small weddings. Like I said, I've received 3 in the last 5 years. And I have never heard of any friend or family member believing an announcement is a gift grab. So I wouldn't assume my family and friends would automatically assign boorish behavior.

I strongly dislike people not doing their preferred socially acceptable behavior because of a concern of what a small percentage would think.

But your world isn't necessarily the same as the OP's world - it may be about a regional norm or what's usual within a particular community.    In which case it might not be a small percentage, it might be "nearly everybody".     Which is why it really comes down to the OPs judgment as to what is usual practice where she is and in her circle.    I agree that the risk of offending a couple of people is not a good enough reason not to do it though, if it's otherwise a welcomed and usual practice.   
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


sparksals

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17393
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #22 on: April 10, 2014, 12:22:06 PM »
Wedding announcements are perfectly appropriate for they type of wedding you are having. 

When I got married the 2nd time nearly 10 years ago, we had a very small ceremony in the US while my family and friends are in Canada.  The announcement let our friends, parents friends, extended family  et al know where we lived as we just bought a new home. There is nothing gift grabby about an announcement.  Even in today's age, I would not think it strange to receive one.  With social media, it is easier to get word out, but in terms of formal etiquette, completely appropriate. 


TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 31751
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #23 on: April 10, 2014, 12:24:24 PM »
. . .  And I have never heard of any friend or family member believing an announcement is a gift grab. So I wouldn't assume my family and friends would automatically assign boorish behavior.

I strongly dislike people not doing their preferred socially acceptable behavior because of a concern of what a small percentage would think.

I see your point--but I have *read* (on a couple of different message boards) people make such an assumption about an announcement.

And I've heard people make the "gift grab" assumption about a graduation announcement.

But in the OP's situation, I think it's perfectly reasonable to send one. I'd just personally want to tweak the format to be less formal.

turnip

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 607
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #24 on: April 10, 2014, 12:42:45 PM »
I like the idea of Wedding Announcements, but now I admit I only know if them though this board and my interest in etiquette generally.  I've never received one, I've never heard of anyone I know ( in real life ) receiving one.  If I'd never been to this site and got one out of the blue, I'd probably have no idea what to make of it.   I probably would figure they wanted gifts  ( though I don't usually like to assume that of HCs ) just because I wouldn't be able to imagine any other reason they'd go to the effort to send these annoucements out!

lellah

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 193
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #25 on: April 10, 2014, 01:17:34 PM »
Thanks for weighing in everyone. :-) I'm inclining toward no announcements.  Buuuuuut... this creates a problem. One of the reasons for sending announcements was the inclusion of "at home" cards communicating my decision to keep my name.  I'm not going to send back mail sent to Mrs His Name, but I'm also not enthusiastic to explain one million times my correct address form. 

What if we sent a postcard similar to the ones people send when they've moved announcing that we were married at such and such a date and place and that people should update their address books to show Ms Me and Mr Him at Our Address?

HannahGrace

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 504
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #26 on: April 10, 2014, 01:23:19 PM »
Are you moving as well as getting married?

lellah

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 193
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #27 on: April 10, 2014, 01:30:13 PM »
Are you moving as well as getting married?

Nope. We live together, but--mostly to avoid controversy among conservative members of our families--I've always maintained a post office box as my address.  Sending mail to my phsyical, rather than the POB, would constitute an address change.

HannahGrace

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 504
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #28 on: April 10, 2014, 01:34:05 PM »
Ah, OK.  I was going to say that I don't think in this day and age that people assume that you are changing your name BUT now that you mention that you come from a conservative family, they may well make that assumption.

What you propose still sounds like a wedding announcement - which is fine!  I've never received one in my life but from reading this thread, they are more prevalent than I thought.

jmarvellous

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3617
Re: how do you feel about wedding announcements?
« Reply #29 on: April 10, 2014, 01:45:21 PM »
I've found that even my most conservative family know I am not conservative. No one was surprised by me keeping my name, even if it's what they'd expect of themselves or their children.

So that doesn't necessarily need to be a concern (though I understand why it might be, still!). We solved it with some address labels printed with both of our names and affixed to any correspondence going forward.