Author Topic: Baby shower...without the MTB  (Read 3603 times)

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Katana_Geldar

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Baby shower...without the MTB
« on: April 03, 2014, 04:58:44 PM »
This isn't something I've encountered personally but on another website I frequent.

MTB's baby shower is next week, there's about fifty guests including quite a few coming in from out of town from the occasion...except the MTB can't come. She's on hospital bed rest and will be until the baby is born. The shower is still going ahead without her and she's not very happy about it. They are going to skype her in at some point, but the hospital can't allow her to go and there are too many people to bring the shower to her.

Thoughts? If I was the MTB I'd be very upset that I couldn't go to my own shower, and if I was the hostess I'd postpone it to after the birth and help the MTB with a meet the baby party.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2014, 05:01:41 PM »
Thoughts? If I was the MTB I'd be very upset that I couldn't go to my own shower, and if I was the hostess I'd postpone it to after the birth and help the MTB with a meet the baby party.

This is what I'd do.  If any of the out of town guests were flying in, I wouldn't have them change their plans and just take them in to see the MTB a few at a time if it is allowed.

ETA:  Provided the host won't be out money for renting a hall or catering or something. In that case, yes, I would go ahead as planned and try to organize something for after the baby is born.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2014, 05:06:22 PM by Outdoor Girl »
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Ontario

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2014, 05:05:11 PM »
  I can understand the MTB feelings, but at the same time the host may not be able to cancel it. The host would also have zero obligation to host a different party  at a later date, I agree that I likely would do something else for the MTB I just don't think there is an obligation to do so.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2014, 05:10:02 PM »
The thing that got me was how the MTB was upset she couldn't attend her own shower and it was going ahead anyway.

Two Ravens

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2014, 05:14:11 PM »
The thing that got me was how the MTB was upset she couldn't attend her own shower and it was going ahead anyway.

Well, I can understand being upset, but would she rather have the hostess lose her deposit and have all the food go to waste? I am sure she can have a Meet the Baby party after she has safely delivered that everyone will be happy to attend...

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2014, 05:20:17 PM »
What about a birthday party if the GOH is ill? Or has unavoidable family commitments like a death in the family? Surely the well-being of the GOH should come before losing a deposit? These things happen and sometimes you just have to wear the cost.

It just seems insensitive to say to the MTB, "Sorry you can't come, we'll have your party without you." And go ahead knowing that she's upset about it.

People's feelings should count more than money.

bah12

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2014, 05:30:11 PM »
Well, I'd be upset if I couldn't go too, but I think the point is that the gifts will be needed when the baby is born and waiting until afterwards to give them, defeats the purpose of getting what you need ahead of time. If it's a matter of losing a deposit, or guests coming from out of town, I don't see a problem with having something somewhat themed to the original purpose of the party and in that case, I think the GOH should be a bit more understanding.

 At the same time, I think that the feelings of the GOH should take precedence where feasible.  If the GOH is adamant that the shower not be held unless she can personally be there, then the  organizer needs to respect those wishes.  But this barring any loss in money, travel changes, etc.  And I agree that while I think most people would organize something else in it's place, there is really no obligation to.   
 
A good friend of mine was on bed rest in the hospital during her pre-planned shower.  The shower went on, she was skyped in and she said that while she was sad that it wasn't how she planned to be there, she was still touched that the shower occured.  A couple of us went to visit her in the hospital and brought her some of the food and a few of the smaller gifts and then we organized a welcome home mom and baby party later (several weeks later when she was up to it).  Being upset because something we were looking forward to doesn't work out is understandable.  But I don't think it's understandable to insist that anyone else lose money or have to change plans at a personal cost to them because of it...especially when they are doing something nice for you.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2014, 05:37:04 PM »
She's not insisting, and I agree that it is much for the MTB to insist on it. I still think this is something the hostess should offer though.

JenJay

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2014, 05:48:13 PM »
It would depend on why she wasn't happy about the party going on without her.

If she just felt left out and bummed that she couldn't be there, and there were people coming from out of town, location rentals and food expenses, etc. I think I'd try to reason with her. I do understand that it would be really inconvenient for the guests. If you've made travel arrangements to be in a certain place for a certain length of time, and that thing gets canceled, what do you do with yourself? I think it's okay for the party to go on and the MTB call or skype to "be there" if she's just a bit upset in a let-down sort of way.

If she was concerned about the baby and thinking "If something happens how will I ever cope with having to return all the gifts?", etc. I'd absolutely cancel. The money is spent either way, it wouldn't cost me extra to cancel. Food can be donated to a shelter and the hall can go unused, or heck maybe you know someone having a birthday around that time and they can throw an impromptu party. It could work out one way or another. I would, however, make sure she understood that I couldn't reschedule the party because of the expense of the cancelled one, and that possibly some guests wouldn't be able to come back. It would be her call and I'd respect her decision.

turnip

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2014, 06:01:09 PM »
It's hard for me to imagine a 50 person shower with people coming out of town for it - my _wedding_ was about 70 people so we're talking almost that much! 

I guess my instinctive thought is that if the MTB is stuck in the hospital on bed-rest, doubtless worrying about the health of her child, it seems just plain mean to go on and have a party without her.  "Hope you enjoy watching our fun party from your sickbed!"     But considering the size and breadth of this party, maybe it makes sense.  I don't know.  Sometimes things get canceled at the last minute, you know, weddings, showers, parties, etc.  Guests should be able to deal with that.

FYI, my 'shower' was canceled 2 days ahead of time because I delivered 5 weeks early on the _day_ of my planned shower.  Fortunately all the guests were local and it was planned at a friend's house, so no one was too put out.

Deetee

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2014, 06:01:29 PM »
What about a birthday party if the GOH is ill? Or has unavoidable family commitments like a death in the family? Surely the well-being of the GOH should come before losing a deposit? These things happen and sometimes you just have to wear the cost.

It just seems insensitive to say to the MTB, "Sorry you can't come, we'll have your party without you." And go ahead knowing that she's upset about it.

People's feelings should count more than money.

I think the difference here is that I don't consider the GOH to be the mother, but actually to be the baby (who is not really there) so I can see holding a shower even if the mother can't be there.

To me, it would depend on when the shower is, how much work went into the planning, if anyone has booked travel, why she is on bedrest etc.

A shower for 50 people to be held in 3 days in a rented hall with much of the food prepared and 10 guests flying from out of town with bedrest as a precautionary measure. The party should be held regardless.

A shower for 10 close friends and relatives in two weeks in a persons home, maybe one out of town guest who could visit the hospital and a high risk pregnancy that puts the mother and child at risk. Only the jerkiest soon to be ex-friend would hold the party over the other's objections.

turnip

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2014, 06:07:48 PM »
What about a birthday party if the GOH is ill? Or has unavoidable family commitments like a death in the family? Surely the well-being of the GOH should come before losing a deposit? These things happen and sometimes you just have to wear the cost.

It just seems insensitive to say to the MTB, "Sorry you can't come, we'll have your party without you." And go ahead knowing that she's upset about it.

People's feelings should count more than money.

I think the difference here is that I don't consider the GOH to be the mother, but actually to be the baby (who is not really there) so I can see holding a shower even if the mother can't be there.

To me, it would depend on when the shower is, how much work went into the planning, if anyone has booked travel, why she is on bedrest etc.

A shower for 50 people to be held in 3 days in a rented hall with much of the food prepared and 10 guests flying from out of town with bedrest as a precautionary measure. The party should be held regardless.

A shower for 10 close friends and relatives in two weeks in a persons home, maybe one out of town guest who could visit the hospital and a high risk pregnancy puts the mother and child at risk. Only the jerkiest soon to be ex-friend would hold the party over the other's objections.

I don't believe anything has been said about the level of need for the bedrest.  It isn't cheap and is not something (IME) that doctor's will put women on lightly, so I would assume there is some reason to be concerned about the health of this baby and mother.

Deetee

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2014, 06:31:09 PM »
What about a birthday party if the GOH is ill? Or has unavoidable family commitments like a death in the family? Surely the well-being of the GOH should come before losing a deposit? These things happen and sometimes you just have to wear the cost.

It just seems insensitive to say to the MTB, "Sorry you can't come, we'll have your party without you." And go ahead knowing that she's upset about it.

People's feelings should count more than money.

I think the difference here is that I don't consider the GOH to be the mother, but actually to be the baby (who is not really there) so I can see holding a shower even if the mother can't be there.

To me, it would depend on when the shower is, how much work went into the planning, if anyone has booked travel, why she is on bedrest etc.

A shower for 50 people to be held in 3 days in a rented hall with much of the food prepared and 10 guests flying from out of town with bedrest as a precautionary measure. The party should be held regardless.

A shower for 10 close friends and relatives in two weeks in a persons home, maybe one out of town guest who could visit the hospital and a high risk pregnancy puts the mother and child at risk. Only the jerkiest soon to be ex-friend would hold the party over the other's objections.

I don't believe anything has been said about the level of need for the bedrest.  It isn't cheap and is not something (IME) that doctor's will put women on lightly, so I would assume there is some reason to be concerned about the health of this baby and mother.

Of course no-one wants to be on bedrest and bedrest in the hospital is extra concerning. I recognise that this is not a fun experience that doctors suggest just because they have spare beds around, but I was just trying to suggest that within "confined to bed in hospital" there are still gradients of concern.

ladyknight1

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2014, 06:37:23 PM »
If I were the host, the party would be postponed. It felt odd having a work shower for the father to be when the mother to be made it clear she had no interest in coming, but at least one half of the parents to be were there.

Sharnita

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #14 on: April 03, 2014, 06:37:49 PM »
We actually faced the possibility of this with my sister. She had pre-eclampsya, had been in the hospital briefly, knew she might go back in or even have to have the baby early. In her case the shower was at a restaurant to canceling reservations would have been a bit tricky. People were coming from out of town and had arranged schedules to be there on the original date. She was involved in the discussion but she was absolutely on board with the idea to have it whether she could be there or not - for several reason:

Her husband was becoming a father too so if she couldn't be there to open gifts and thank people it made sense for him to do so. Not really a problem.

There was a significant chance that the health problems she was experiencing in the first place could call for a premature birth/c-section, and the last thing she wanted was a premie at a party where it would be exposed to a lot of people and germs.

While she might be the GOH, the host and guests had gone to expense and trouble already to be available for the original party. Forget the money spent on gifts for a second, some people had arranged to take off of work - a significant financial sacrifice.

It turned out she got out of the hospital, had a goof week or two (during which the shower fell) was admitted again and had the baby 6 weeks early.