Author Topic: Baby shower...without the MTB  (Read 3602 times)

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mj

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #30 on: April 04, 2014, 01:52:39 PM »
Maybe the etiquette lesson is don't plan large baby showers with out of town guests?  I'm surprised this is a common occurrence, frankly, and at some level people have to realize that a lot can go wrong between the planning of the shower and the day of the shower.

That's what I was kinda thinking.  It just doesn't seem like a very efficient way to throw a baby shower, I can see a lot going wrong.

And yeah, I think it's a little mean to go on without the MTB.  I like the suggestions of the guests going to the hospital at staggered times to break up the monotony of the bed rest.

peaches

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #31 on: April 04, 2014, 01:53:25 PM »
It's a shame the MTB has to be on bed rest. That's a serious situation and would generate a lot of sympathy on my part, if I were a guest or the organizer.

In a situation like this it's best if everyone shows some flexibility. If the host can postpone the party without major expense or inconvenience, and the MTB would prefer that, then it would be the best solution. It can be turned into more of a meet the baby affair. Those who had gifts that would be needed right away could take those to the MTB in a one-on-one visit (car seat, for example). Other gifts could wait for the party.

If it's impossible for the host and out-of-town guests to cancel or postpone, then if I were the MTB, I hope I'd have the good grace to let the party take place, send my DH and/or mom to represent me, and look forward to reveling in all of the baby gifts.

The most important thing is a healthy baby and mother. I hope everyone can look at the larger picture and not get too hung up on the details. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #32 on: April 11, 2014, 08:44:22 AM »
In my area, the party would be cancelled and "guests" would visit MTB at their leisure, breaking up the bedrest monotony and having several minutes to exclaim over each gift.

I think that's an ideal solution. Let the out of town visitors come during the period they're in town, and the local visitors cycle through the period until the baby is born. If there is serious worry about the baby's survival, have a friend or family member collect the gifts discreetly, and just do a normal visit.

It also strikes me as rather mean to go through with it. Hospital bedrest is an expensive proposition - doctors tend not to prescribe it lightly. And, judging from friends that have done it, it's simultaneously deadly boring and high anxiety. You're lying in a bed about 23 hours a day - on your side, of course, which severely limits what you can do. Most of that time you're alone. But you're also worried because you know you're there because they are trying to keep the baby in for long enough so that it will have a reasonable chance of surviving intact at birth. Meanwhile, your friends and family are having a lovely party, nominally for you, that you can't attend.

Or you're upside down; I was (the Trendelenburg position).

Blarg's report from her friends is right.

I was only on hospital bed rest for a couple of days, but if all my nearest and dearest had gathered to celebrate, and open presents, and hug and kiss, and NOBODY had come to see me, and I was alone in the hospital room the whole time they were out having a party that was primarily -because of me,- I'd have been so hurt. And so sad.

So if they were going to have the party, I'd expect half of them to be in *my* room at the hospital.
   I'd expect the out-of-town guests to come to see me *before* they went to the party. And I'd expect the in-town guests to be swinging by.

In fact, I'd expect them to figure out how to have the present opening at the hospital (check w/ the nurses--is there a lounge are or meeting room that my bed can be wheeled into?), and then they can all go off and eat lunch at the restaurant without me (but they really should leave a couple of people behind to keep me company for a while).

Alias

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #33 on: May 02, 2014, 10:28:41 AM »

Or you're upside down; I was (the Trendelenburg position).

Blarg's report from her friends is right.

I was only on hospital bed rest for a couple of days, but if all my nearest and dearest had gathered to celebrate, and open presents, and hug and kiss, and NOBODY had come to see me, and I was alone in the hospital room the whole time they were out having a party that was primarily -because of me,- I'd have been so hurt. And so sad.

So if they were going to have the party, I'd expect half of them to be in *my* room at the hospital.
   I'd expect the out-of-town guests to come to see me *before* they went to the party. And I'd expect the in-town guests to be swinging by.

In fact, I'd expect them to figure out how to have the present opening at the hospital (check w/ the nurses--is there a lounge are or meeting room that my bed can be wheeled into?), and then they can all go off and eat lunch at the restaurant without me (but they really should leave a couple of people behind to keep me company for a while).

I agree with this. I was hospitalised (although not fully bedrested) for a week before my first child was born. It was boringly stressful, and although me and my baby were fine and safe there was risk it could all go seriously wrong at any moment (and it did, a month early at 2am, if we hadn't been in hospital at least one of us would have died). 

If my friends and family had a party while that was happening I would have really tried to be ok with it, but I probably would have cried my eyes out.  I tend to be emotional anyway and pregnancy hormones didn't help.  Yeah, the presents are for the baby and that is lovely, but it's not just the presents it's the party and the centre of attention and the excitement over the baby.

I also wouldn't want to attend a shower if this was the situation, because I don't think there'd be the joy and excitement over the baby if the baby is at risk (and if the mother is on bedrest, there must be some risk).  Although I say I'm not superstitous, I wouldn't want to jinx anything, just in case!

Promise

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #34 on: May 02, 2014, 11:12:23 AM »
Is there any reason why the father couldn't be the Guest of Honor? While generally baby showers are primarily female guests, it is his baby too. The gifts are for the baby regardless of who opens them.

Jones

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #35 on: May 02, 2014, 11:20:43 AM »
I don't know about all guys but my DH would not have been amused to be the GOH at a shower, it's difficult enough to get him to accept gifts on his own birthday. He'd have been very uncomfortable at all the womanly gushing and silly games, too.

acicularis

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #36 on: May 02, 2014, 11:41:33 AM »
Is there any reason why the father couldn't be the Guest of Honor? While generally baby showers are primarily female guests, it is his baby too. The gifts are for the baby regardless of who opens them.

My brother stood in for my SIL at her baby shower when she was on bedrest. I thought it was a bit odd, but as far as I know my SIL was OK with it, and he was a good sport about it.

However, going ahead with the shower when the mother to be is NOT ok with it just seems mean. It's too bad if it inconveniences other people and money is lost, but that's got to be better than hurting the mother to be like this.

kudeebee

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #37 on: May 03, 2014, 12:01:12 AM »
OP--what happened with the shower?

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #38 on: May 03, 2014, 03:55:05 AM »
Unfortunately I don't know the answer. I got this story from a pregnancy forum and there was no update.

Dindrane

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Re: Baby shower...without the MTB
« Reply #39 on: May 03, 2014, 10:45:52 AM »
I think the difference here is that I don't consider the GOH to be the mother, but actually to be the baby (who is not really there) so I can see holding a shower even if the mother can't be there.

...

Where is the father in all of this?  It's his baby too...

To me the reason a baby shower is held is to celebrate the baby.  Typically someone representing the baby is there, whether its the mother, father, or even baby.  If none of the guests of honor are there, then who are you showering with love and affection?  At this point it sounds like a party with a baby theme.

The thing is, the guest of honor is not the baby. The guest of honor is the mother, and the party is held to celebrate her impending life change (to motherhood). The gifts are meant to be for her, even when they are things the baby will use. Many people very reasonably stretch all of that to include the father and his impending fatherhood, but the party really isn't for the baby even if it's about the baby. I agree with PastryGoddess that a shower without either parent in attendance sounds like a party with a baby theme.

In addition, going ahead with a shower when the mother-to-be is actually unhappy about it is extremely insensitive and I think a little rude (unless she's not made it clear that she isn't okay with it). It's like telling a birthday person that you'll go to a restaurant they hate to celebrate their birthday, and that's the only birthday party you're willing to have for them. The birthday person can't really stop other people from going to the hated restaurant, any more than the mother-to-be can stop the host of her shower from having the party she can't attend, but it's definitely the type of action that has relationship consequences.

Add in the worry caused by needing to be on bed rest in the hospital, and it just becomes massively more insensitive. I understand that for a party of that size with people traveling, arrangements that can't be changed might be in place, and it might cost money (or cause the loss of money) to cancel or change plans. The people involved in this shower really ought to be focused at least a little bit on supporting the mother-to-be through what is assuredly a difficult time in her life, because these are supposed to be the people who care about her the most (and if they weren't, they shouldn't have been invited to the shower). Going forward with a party she can't attend when she is upset about it is the opposite of support, no matter what her reasons for being upset.

Pregnancy is an inherently unpredictable state, so that possibility ought to be factored in to any plans that require a pregnant woman to be in a specific place at a specific time. Sometimes, it's just not possible for that to happen.