Author Topic: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over  (Read 4244 times)

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Roe

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #15 on: April 08, 2014, 04:08:56 PM »
Since you have asthma, wearing a mask would NOT be over the top. Neither would asking her to stay in her room so that you don't catch the virus.  It is her house and all, but you are there doing her a favor so I don't think it's over the top to ask.  If she says no, then she can prepare his food and keep him company. 

gmatoy

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #16 on: April 08, 2014, 10:48:05 PM »
Since you have asthma, wearing a mask would NOT be over the top. Neither would asking her to stay in her room so that you don't catch the virus. It is her house and all, but you are there doing her a favor so I don't think it's over the top to ask.  If she says no, then she can prepare his food and keep him company.

As per the bolded, I don't think it is her house. Op stated that the cousin moved into the grandfather's house. It is her home, but not her house. (And, yes, I do think it makes a difference.)

Dindrane

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #17 on: April 09, 2014, 01:05:05 AM »
I think your having asthma is a very legitimate reason to be wary of spending significant time with someone who has a respiratory illness. I also think your cousin's behavior (sitting in the public area of the house and socializing, rather than staying in her room) was unnecessarily putting you and your grandfather at risk.

So in that specific situation, I think what I would do is let your cousin know that, given your own health issues, you aren't able to care for your grandfather when she or her husband are sick unless they are unable to leave their room. By that you would mean that if your cousin sat around socializing while you were there, you would let her know that you were unable to stay since she was feeling well enough to keep your grandfather company, and then you'd leave.

I also would let her know that if contagion is a concern, you're happy to drop off the food you would otherwise have made for your grandfather, since you live next door. You just can't stay unless they are too sick to keep your grandfather company.

Finally, I think it might be worth having a family meeting (or talking to your grandfather, or whatever approach makes the most sense for your family) to discuss what happens when your cousin or her husband is home sick. Because truly, if they are sick enough to need to stay home from work because they have a contagious illness, they are too sick to be socializing with your grandfather or anyone who is caring for your grandfather. The risk to your grandfather is a primary concern, and it isn't fair of them to expect family members caring for your grandfather to expose themselves to illness unnecessarily. If there is anyone capable of laying down the law here, I think you should see if you can convince that person to do it.


Roe

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #18 on: April 09, 2014, 01:37:18 PM »
Since you have asthma, wearing a mask would NOT be over the top. Neither would asking her to stay in her room so that you don't catch the virus. It is her house and all, but you are there doing her a favor so I don't think it's over the top to ask.  If she says no, then she can prepare his food and keep him company.

As per the bolded, I don't think it is her house. Op stated that the cousin moved into the grandfather's house. It is her home, but not her house. (And, yes, I do think it makes a difference.)

She lives there and it's her space. It's not legally her house but that is where she resides. Doesn't make much of a difference to me.

Eden

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #19 on: April 09, 2014, 03:18:57 PM »
It seems to me by saying "you can still come over if you want" Cousin was giving the OP an out and it was up to the OP whether or not to take it. Plus, although Cousin lives in the house, he/she is probably correct that limiting his/her direct contact with Grandfather is probably wise. I don't see an etiquette issue here at all.

Arila

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #20 on: April 09, 2014, 03:37:17 PM »
Hey, I'm really glad you went. I do think that the interaction of respiratory issues with your asthma DOES count as something fairly serious, so I'm feeling a bit more understanding of your initial hesitancy.

I think your cousin should really do more to ensure the health of your grandfather. If she has "just" a cold, (never mind strep!) she should be segregating herself from your grandfather, just because at that age, there's so much risk. It could be really hard to bring that up, because they probably feel like they are doing so much already (and they are!) BUT not exposing aged grandfathers to viruses is kind of basic...

I like the suggestion of offering to drop off food and maybe do some of the close-quarters chores to help facilitate the segregation, but avoid just social companionship duties -- that might be a good medium solution which protects your grandfather from the worst parts, and also limits your exposure.

bopper

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #21 on: April 10, 2014, 05:16:53 PM »
I have had social engagments set up and then a child has gotten sick. 
I do contact the people and let them know of the situation, and let them make the decision.
Grandma really wants the kids over on Christmas eve even though toddler is sick.  But for a regular outing maybe we will just do it another time.

BUT....IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO!  if you have asthma you want to avoid knowingly exposing yourself to lung irritants (and colds!)
it is okay to say "I really need to stay away...a cold will affect me much worse since i have asthma."
It is okay to keep yourself healthy!!!!!

CrochetFanatic

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #22 on: April 13, 2014, 02:55:50 AM »
Not really an update, because this doesn't really warrant one, but my cousin is feeling better and neither my grandfather nor anyone else has caught the cold (it isn't strep, yay!). 

lollylegs

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #23 on: April 13, 2014, 06:15:38 AM »
It seems to me by saying "you can still come over if you want" Cousin was giving the OP an out and it was up to the OP whether or not to take it. Plus, although Cousin lives in the house, he/she is probably correct that limiting his/her direct contact with Grandfather is probably wise. I don't see an etiquette issue here at all.

I agree. I don't think your cousin could have done any better or phrased her comment more politely so I don't understand why it 'doesn't sit well' with you.

Why on earth would her husband take the day off as well?

CrochetFanatic

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #24 on: April 13, 2014, 01:33:06 PM »
She probably was giving me an 'out' now that I think back on it, but I've been told before by other people 'you can if you want' in regards to a request, and they've gotten mad when I didn't do it.  I guess that's why I felt like I couldn't say no.  The phrasing wasn't what didn't sit well with me, though.  It was more the fact that she was fine with having people over when she knew there was a germ in the house. 

I'm a little confused about when it's okay to wonder "Why can't the spouse take off from work?" and when it should be "Why should the spouse have to take the day off?".  I'm not sure if it's a difference in opinion, or if it's a situational thing.  Either way, I didn't say anything about it to either of them, so I don't think I did anything wrong there. 

Millionaire Maria

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #25 on: April 13, 2014, 03:54:03 PM »
She probably was giving me an 'out' now that I think back on it, but I've been told before by other people 'you can if you want' in regards to a request, and they've gotten mad when I didn't do it.  I guess that's why I felt like I couldn't say no.  The phrasing wasn't what didn't sit well with me, though.  It was more the fact that she was fine with having people over when she knew there was a germ in the house. 

I'm a little confused about when it's okay to wonder "Why can't the spouse take off from work?" and when it should be "Why should the spouse have to take the day off?".  I'm not sure if it's a difference in opinion, or if it's a situational thing.  Either way, I didn't say anything about it to either of them, so I don't think I did anything wrong there.

I think the spouse should have to take time off work when it's their own SO that needs to be covered for. I don't think that's the case here. You're not doing your cousin a favor by going over. You are doing your grandfather a favor. Your inability to do this favor for him does not automatically make that period of time your cousin's responsibility. I think that in this case, if you had chosen not to go, because of your asthma (which is a perfectly legitimate excuse), it's up to you to find someone to cover for you.
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lollylegs

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #26 on: April 13, 2014, 03:56:00 PM »
She probably was giving me an 'out' now that I think back on it, but I've been told before by other people 'you can if you want' in regards to a request, and they've gotten mad when I didn't do it.  I guess that's why I felt like I couldn't say no.  The phrasing wasn't what didn't sit well with me, though.  It was more the fact that she was fine with having people over when she knew there was a germ in the house. 

I'm a little confused about when it's okay to wonder "Why can't the spouse take off from work?" and when it should be "Why should the spouse have to take the day off?".  I'm not sure if it's a difference in opinion, or if it's a situational thing.  Either way, I didn't say anything about it to either of them, so I don't think I did anything wrong there.

Different people have different attitudes towards sickness. I have a robust immune system and it's only just recently that I've realised that I need to tell people when I have a cold. For me, it's just a cold. Sneezy for a couple of days and all better. I now know that for a lot of people a cold is a big deal but I still don't quarantine myself, I just do what your cousin did - give people a heads up and let them make up their own mind.

No, you didn't do anything 'wrong' in wondering why her husband can't take the day off biut I do think it was a little selfish. Your cousin and her husband have disrupted their lives to care for your grandfather. I'm sure they've both taken days off for him and will take more off in the future. You couldn't have said something like, "I can't get sick because of my asthma. What if I make lunch here for him and just drop it off?'"

Where's the line? I guess if someone is at home and able to take over, you shouldn't 'expect' (for lack of a better word) someone to take a day off work.

Bijou

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Re: I'm Sick, But You Can Still Come Over
« Reply #27 on: April 14, 2014, 03:36:47 PM »
I do think asthma is a health risk though.  You may not consider yourself immune-compromised but for chest illnesses you are for sure.  I think it is reasonable not to want to go over and possibly if I were in your situation I might go but wear a mask.
And make sure to clean all the touchable surfaces, like door knobs, water faucet handles, etc.  If I were high risk, I would simply say I couldn't go, but might offer to send over dinner or something to make it easier.  I wonder why she doesn't wear gloves and a mask to protect him?  I believe they give these to ill people in Dr offices so it must be effective in stopping or reducing the spread of disease to some degree.    Anyway, it is a hard call because they are living with him in order to help him and so I do understand wanting to help as much as you can. 
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