Author Topic: The etiquette of tit-for-tat  (Read 5547 times)

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HoneyBee42

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Re: The etiquette of tit-for-tat
« Reply #30 on: April 17, 2014, 01:23:44 PM »
I'd be inclined to leave the windchimes as they are, barring a complaint from a neighbor who is not feeding the wildlife.  Especially based on the additional info, that the wildlife-feeding neighbor has received multiple requests to stop and has refused to do so.  Doing something to mute them at times when windchime-owner isn't present to enjoy is one thing, but wildlife-feeder certainly isn't a very good neighbor and may just have to think about the wildlife feeding in view of the *multiple* requests to quit doing that if the interest in stopping the windchimes is that great.


Emmy

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Re: The etiquette of tit-for-tat
« Reply #31 on: April 17, 2014, 03:48:52 PM »
I also agree with the poster who said the friend should take them down.  If the neighbor hasn't made a move to stop feeding the wildlife after a few weeks, back up the wind chimes go.

Would that be considered retaliatory rudeness?  You agree to stop doing Thing A which neighbor doesn't like, neighbor continues doing Thing B which you don't like, so you resume doing Thing A, which now for sure you know drives your neighbor batty.  It seems... spiteful... to me, like a deliberate thumb in their eye.  And certainly I don't think that it would do anything to improve neighbor relations...

Having wind chimes on your property isn't rude so deciding to put them out because you enjoy them would not be retaliatory rudeness and hardly what I would call spiteful.  Buying several wind chimes and putting them up for the sake of driving the neighbor crazy or letting your dog go to the bathroom in their yard and not cleaning up after it because you don't like this neighbor would be retaliatory rudeness.  The neighbor can't expect others to be willing to sacrifice and be a good neighbor to her if she is not willing to be a good neighbor to them.  I do agree with you that it is probably best for the OP to not agree to take down the chimes for good if she doesn't intend to do so and/or let the neighbor know the taking the wind chimes down is conditional.  If the wind chimes really did drive the neighbor batty, she should be willing to make an effort not to drive the OP batty with the animals.  Do you feel the OP should get rid of something that she enjoys for good when the neighbor will not make an effort to do the same for OP? 

From the OP, the neighbor did sound unreasonable.  Marching over to your neighbors house, complaining, making a demand, then getting in a huff when they ask you to stop doing something that bothers them are not good ways to ingratiate yourself to your neighbors.  I do think the OP should go back and talk to her neighbor, maybe invite her over for tea to discuss things.  It is worth a try that the neighbor will be a little more reasonable and willing to compromise.  Others had good suggestions about only having the wind chimes at certain times.  However, if neighbor won't budge on the issue of feeding the wild life, OP isn't obligated to take down the chimes, whether she knows they bother her neighbor or not.  I don't think having good neighborly relations mean being a doormat.


Deetee

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Re: The etiquette of tit-for-tat
« Reply #32 on: April 17, 2014, 05:29:59 PM »
I also agree with the poster who said the friend should take them down.  If the neighbor hasn't made a move to stop feeding the wildlife after a few weeks, back up the wind chimes go.

Would that be considered retaliatory rudeness?  You agree to stop doing Thing A which neighbor doesn't like, neighbor continues doing Thing B which you don't like, so you resume doing Thing A, which now for sure you know drives your neighbor batty.  It seems... spiteful... to me, like a deliberate thumb in their eye.  And certainly I don't think that it would do anything to improve neighbor relations...

I suggested it. I didn't think of it as retaliatory, but more of a gesture of good faith. The other neighbour wants the wind chimes down. You want the animals not to be fed. So you take down the windchimes and see if the other neighbour will cooperate as well. Basically, someone has to take the first friendly step so it might as well be you.

After an appropriate period of time (I'd wait until the feeders are empty and see if they get refilled) you can revisit the "bargain". If the other neighbour is still throwing boatloads of bread out for the squirrels, pitting the chimes up seems reasonable. They didn't fulfill their half.




SoCalVal

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Re: The etiquette of tit-for-tat
« Reply #33 on: April 18, 2014, 06:43:44 AM »
I have no suggestion for when would be a better time to bring up the animal feeders, especially since it hasn't worked for the other neighbors.  While it does sound like you're countering, given you stated the other neighbors have been rebuffed in their attempts to address it with her, I don't see what other option you would've had in trying to get her to stop feeding the wild animals.  I wouldn't take down the windchimes then hope she'll return the favor; she has already indicated she's not willing to change anything for the other neighbors.

I once had a manager who asked his colleague if she could provide some information to him pertaining to her section.  She was frequently an unpleasant and unreasonable person to work with so she stated to him, in her unpleasant fashion, that she was too busy to obtain that information and to take care of it himself (I think it involved numbers he needed from her section).  A few days later, she approached Manager and requested he complete a document for her.  His reply?  In a nice tone, he said to her that he was too busy to do her document as he was still trying to find the numbers he needed from her section.  He wasn't lying, he wasn't being rude and he wasn't countering; however, he did get his point across about not being willing to help others.  He said she gave him a nasty look, stomped out of his office then returned a few moments later with the information he'd first requested.  He then told her something like, "Good; now I'll have time to work on your document."



MindsEye

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Re: The etiquette of tit-for-tat
« Reply #34 on: April 21, 2014, 08:01:06 AM »
Small update:

I saw my friend again over the weekend and asked her how the situation with her neighbor is going.

My friend is not going to take down her windchimes.  I guess that there have been more animal incidents and my friend is well beyond caring if her neighbor (hereby known as AN for annoying neighbor) doesn't like the windchimes.

Someone at Animal Control has finally told my friend what kind of evidence they need, how much of it, and how to collect it so that a charge can be brought against AN for "creating a nuisance animal situation".  So my friend and some of her other neighbors have banded together on this.  Nothing like working against an annoying neighbor to really bring a neighborhood together...