(snip) Friend has pretty much been gritting her teeth, getting large quantities of chemical deterrents to put around her property to try to minimize the damage, and otherwise dealing with the situation.
So this gets to my question. If someone comes to you and says that they find your activity X disturbing, is it rude to say that you will only stop doing X if they stop doing Y? (Y being an activity of theirs that you find disturbing)
I don't think it's rude at all. Especially since Friend was taking steps to minimize the damage without talking to neighbor . . . in other words Friend was politely dealing with the situation the best that she could without causing neighbor to change her lifestyle.
Neighbor brought it on by asking Friend to change her long-term lifestyle (enjoying the wind chimes) thereby giving Friend a perfect opening to lodge her own complaint.
Deetee posted as I was typing and while I do agree that, perhaps, the approach was a bit ill-timed I don't see that waiting a few days for Friend to go over to the Neighbor's to say "I took down my wind chimes, now will you do this for me?" would be the way to go either.
I do see how these situations come about. I've had neighbors who have done things that are annoying, but I tend to let things slide and chalk it up to being in a large city where everyone lives in close quarters. I would never approach a neighbor with a complaint about something like a wind chime.
However, if a neighbor came to me to complain about something like that, I would be thinking "well, I put up with all your _________, if you can't put up with my__________, now I'm no longer obligated to put up with your _______"! But it does lead to defensiveness and bad neighbor relations. Because maybe the neighbor doesn't realize they have been annoying you in the first place, and it screams retaliation.
I think waiting a few days and then bringing up the wildlife-feeding issue with the neighbor is the best way to go. The key is using the opportunity to foster a good relationship
with the neighbor. It makes it much more likely that they will act favorably on your request if you have already favorably acted on theirs.
So, the neighbor comes and asks you to take down the wind chime. Be reasonable, does it bother them all the time, or maybe just at night? Maybe you can agree to taking it down sometimes and leaving it up at other times. Come to an agreement. Be polite and accommodating.
Then, the following week, you can approach the neighbor and ask about the feeding. Could they possibly cut back? You've noticed more animals in your yard doing damage. Come to an agreement. Everyone wins, you've established a good relationship
which will be beneficial in the future if there other issues.