Author Topic: Poor etiquette or not?  (Read 7977 times)

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Sizoki Dosyan

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Poor etiquette or not?
« on: April 13, 2014, 09:35:22 PM »
My husband and I recently attended a wedding where he was a groomsmen.  Upon arriving at the reception site we noticed that 1. There was a cash bar 2. You had to pay for everything except for water.

Am I wrong to be annoyed at this?


Also, having a discussion on a social networking site regarding etiquette the bride became very defensive stating that we should not be annoyed by the cash bar since we didn't buy a gift.

I will admit that I didn't give them the gift card I had recently purchased after seeing that we had to purchase out own beverages all night.

cattlekid

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2014, 09:38:55 PM »
I can definitely see where you would be annoyed by this. It is usually agreed upon here that hosts should provide the level of hosting they can afford without asking their guests to chip in.

Are cash bars the norm in your area?

MrTango

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2014, 09:47:59 PM »
I know there are others who will disagree, but I really don't mind the idea of a cash bar.  Often, I'd rather pay for my own drink (and get what I want) than be stuck with what is frequently a limited selection of beer, wine, and low-end spirits.

I'm assuming your 2nd issue is just for beverages, and that you didn't have to fork over money to get your meal.  I do think that the hosts ought to offer some hosted non-alcoholic option other than just water (even if it's just punch or soft drinks).

When LadyTango and I got married, we were actually going to do a completely dry (as in alcohol-free) reception with water, punch, soda, and coffee hosted.  Our parents didn't like that idea, and since they were paying for the wedding, we had to back down from that stance.  Instead, we provided wine for the guests and had a cash bar where they could buy beer.  We did not have any hard liquor (until one of my sisters ran back to my parents' house and raided their cabinet, but that's another issue entirely).


rose red

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2014, 09:50:30 PM »
I'm not one to care if there's a cash bar at weddings, but even I would give them the side-eye when guests have to pay for non-alcoholic drinks.

Sizoki Dosyan

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2014, 09:54:04 PM »
My issue was that I had to pay for soda, tea, etc. 

Cash bars are typically the norm for hard liquor with beer and wine being provided.


I guess I was a little peeved the bride took to FB to to state and I'm paraphrasing " the wedding is about the honored gues, you shouldn't be upset that you had to pay for soft drinks, when you didn't bring a gift or spend any money".

I would like to state I'm not going to go tit for tat with her, but my husband had to pay about $200.00 to rent a tux and another 200.00 for a bachelor party he stayed at for two hours.

katycoo

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2014, 09:56:46 PM »
One very important thing about cash bars, particularly if you're only providing water, is that it should be made known before the event so people can be prepared with cash.  Nothing worse than having it sprung on you and no way to access money.

I do think that having no non-alcoholic beverages available is poor hosting.  That's taking things too far.

But I further think that withholding your gift was also a poor choice.  It's a gift to celebrate their marriage not an exchange of payment for the reception.

metallicafan

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2014, 10:00:26 PM »
I have never been to a wedding that had a cash bar.  If I did, I would simply drink water all night if I had to.
Personally,  I don't  care for the idea of a cash bar at weddings.

Sizoki Dosyan

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2014, 10:02:24 PM »
Kathy coo. That wasn't the only reason I withheld it. 


My husband has a particular disability that is well known through his circle of friends.  He originally declined the invitation of being part of the wedding party die to this illness, but after much pleading from the groom he decided to agree.

On the day of the wedding he was treated like total crap.  He was left out of  a lot of what the other wedding party members were doing.  When announcing the groomsmen and bridesmaids they completely left him out. 

The cash bar for soda was just the straw that broke the camels back per we for me. 

The treatment that he received was so deplorable that we left directly after dinner.

Ceallach

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2014, 10:03:57 PM »
Definitely poor hosting providing no beverages apart from water to your guests.   If it's somebody who has just popped in to visit you at home?    Yeah, just water is fine to offer, although it's nice if you can also offer tea or juice or something if possible.     For a formal event?  Nope.   

It may not be blatantly, horrifically rude, but it definitely makes them very poor hosts.    Even many paid for events - conferences etc - have some kind of free beverages other than water!    They're turning a wedding into an incredibly commercial occasion by making it pay your own way for every beverage.   They can justify it all they want, but regardless of what they say, their friends and families will always think of them as cheap and remember their wedding as the one with no drinks provided, not even soda!  Personally that's not how I'd want my wedding remembered!
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Vall

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2014, 10:09:12 PM »
I think that providing only water was poor hosting but I would never discuss this with the bride or anyone close to the HC.

Sizoki Dosyan

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2014, 10:11:53 PM »
It was never discussed with the bride.

She decided to comment on a FB post regarding a general discussion regarding wedding, wedding shower, and baby shower etiquette.

purple

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2014, 10:15:12 PM »
I belong to the "cash bars are rude" camp.  There's a mix of opinions among members of this site, but that's where I sit.

I also think you were rude to withold your gift and rude to leave directly after dinner.

Sizoki Dosyan

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #12 on: April 13, 2014, 10:20:11 PM »
Purple- if you go back to my previous post you will see that the main reason I left directly after dinner was not the cash bar.  It was the mistreatment of my physically disabled husband.  The cash bar was just the icing on the cake.


I don't think we were rude at all to leave.  I will not subject him to blatant mistreatment and embarrassment.

JenJay

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #13 on: April 13, 2014, 10:22:31 PM »
I guess I was a little peeved the bride took to FB to to state and I'm paraphrasing " the wedding is about the honored gues, you shouldn't be upset that you had to pay for soft drinks, when you didn't bring a gift or spend any money".

I can't tell, did she call you out on Facebook for not giving a gift? Or did you call her out re the cash bar and that was her response?

I think it was pretty bad that guests had to pay for everything except water. I've heard of non-hosted alcohol but never soda, tea, coffee, etc. as well.

As for withholding the gift, that would be up to my DH. If he's so upset about how he was treated at the wedding that he's ready to end the friendship I suppose you may as well keep your money. However, if he wants to let it go and put it behind him, choosing to focus on his friendship with the groom outside of this event, then I would have deferred to him and given the gift so as not to rock the boat.

Sizoki Dosyan

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #14 on: April 13, 2014, 10:26:07 PM »
Jean jay-myself and three other people were having an etiquette discussion and she decided to call me out for not giving a gift. 

At this time he does not want to continue a relationship with the groom.  It was under his advisement that the gift was not given.