Author Topic: Poor etiquette or not?  (Read 6743 times)

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MummySweet

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #15 on: April 13, 2014, 10:27:10 PM »
I have no problem with a cash bar for alcoholic drinks, but I think that punch, tea and coffee should be hosted at minimum. 
I personally would appreciate soda being hosted, but as long as there are other beverages I don't think it's a must. 
« Last Edit: April 14, 2014, 12:14:13 AM by MummySweet »

JenJay

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #16 on: April 13, 2014, 10:32:35 PM »
Jean jay-myself and three other people were having an etiquette discussion and she decided to call me out for not giving a gift. 

At this time he does not want to continue a relationship with the groom.  It was under his advisement that the gift was not given.

I can't imagine going to the trouble and expense to be in a wedding party and then being treated so horribly the day of that it's a friendship-ender. I'm very sorry that happened to him (and you).

sammycat

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #17 on: April 13, 2014, 10:33:39 PM »
I don't have a problem with cash bars for alcohol, and it's quite common where I live. But I believe non-alcholioc drinks such as soft drinks and/or juice absolutely should be readily available and free for guests. Having water as the only beverage is not an acceptable form of hosting IMO, and especially at a wedding.

I attended one birthday party where guests had to pay for all drinks (the food was all catered/free for guests) and I wasn't impressed in the slightest, especially considering what a rip off drinks are at most venues.
« Last Edit: April 13, 2014, 10:35:21 PM by sammycat »

misha412

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #18 on: April 13, 2014, 10:33:59 PM »
I have no real opinion on cash bars, other than it needs to be made known before the wedding so people can be prepared with cash.

However, I have a real opinion about not making non-alcoholic beverages available for free. Soda, punch, ice tea, or coffee should not cost the guests anything. That to me is poor hosting, at its finest.

Did they charge the guests for champagne for the wedding toasts?

Kaymar

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #19 on: April 13, 2014, 10:40:10 PM »
Jean jay-myself and three other people were having an etiquette discussion and she decided to call me out for not giving a gift. 

At this time he does not want to continue a relationship with the groom.  It was under his advisement that the gift was not given.

Were all of you having this etiquette discussion about weddings right after attending hers?  Because if so, it would be pretty clear that you were in fact talking about her.  If it's just a coincidence, then that's another matter.

TootsNYC

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #20 on: April 13, 2014, 10:49:52 PM »


Also, having a discussion on a social networking site regarding etiquette the bride became very defensive stating that we should not be annoyed by the cash bar since we didn't buy a gift.

I will admit that I didn't give them the gift card I had recently purchased after seeing that we had to purchase out own beverages all night.

Boy, she doesn't get the cause-and-effect, does she?

Why be generous with them if they can't be bare-minimum with you?

I'll confess that I would be semi-defending her if the cash bar was for alcohol only, or if it was for hard liquor only.

But if you had to pay for a soda, or lemonade, and ONLY the water was provided?
That's crappy hosting. It's rude.

But it's also rude to have a conversation in public (which is what Facebook is--it's a loud conversation in the middle of the crowded room, one that it *intended* to be overheard--unless you change the privacy setting to exclude people, but even then it's pretty public) in which you openly criticize someone, even if you don't name them.

sammycat

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #21 on: April 13, 2014, 11:01:40 PM »
the bride became very defensive stating that we should not be annoyed by the cash bar since we didn't buy a gift.

I'm assuming the HC decided not to provide any drinks for their guests prior to discovering you hadn't given her a present, so her (lack of) "logic" doesn't leave her with a leg to stand on.

And what about their guests that did give them a present - how does she "justify" her poor hosting to them?


LifeOnPluto

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #22 on: April 13, 2014, 11:06:54 PM »
My issue was that I had to pay for soda, tea, etc. 

Cash bars are typically the norm for hard liquor with beer and wine being provided.


I guess I was a little peeved the bride took to FB to to state and I'm paraphrasing " the wedding is about the honored gues, you shouldn't be upset that you had to pay for soft drinks, when you didn't bring a gift or spend any money".

I would like to state I'm not going to go tit for tat with her, but my husband had to pay about $200.00 to rent a tux and another 200.00 for a bachelor party he stayed at for two hours.

By "honoured guests" I'm assuming she was referring to herself and the Groom, not to everyone else?  ::)

the bride became very defensive stating that we should not be annoyed by the cash bar since we didn't buy a gift.

I'm assuming the HC decided not to provide any drinks for their guests prior to discovering you hadn't given her a present, so her (lack of) "logic" doesn't leave her with a leg to stand on.

And what about their guests that did give them a present - how does she "justify" her poor hosting to them?


Excellent point! I assume the cash bar applied to everyone, not just those who didn't give gifts?


OP, I can't fault you too much for not giving your gift, after the treatment you and your DH endured. However, I'm less certain about the Facebook conversation. If you and your friends were saying "Oh, isn't it rude when Brides make their guests pay for all drinks?" then it does come off as a little passive-aggressive.

cheyne

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #23 on: April 13, 2014, 11:31:16 PM »
OP, I am sorry to hear that your DH was treated so poorly by people he thought were friends.

A wedding gift should never be expected, especially from groomsmen/bridesmaids as they (usually) have forked-out enough money for a handsome gift in the costs of being in the wedding.  $400. between tux rental and bachelor party is a very nice gift to the HC indeed.

IMO hosting with water only is rude.  I have no issue with a dry wedding or cash bar as long as several types of non alcoholic drinks are provided.


LeveeWoman

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #24 on: April 14, 2014, 12:08:50 AM »
Ya'll are well-rid of this person.

katycoo

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #25 on: April 14, 2014, 01:07:18 AM »
Kathy coo. That wasn't the only reason I withheld it. 


My husband has a particular disability that is well known through his circle of friends.  He originally declined the invitation of being part of the wedding party die to this illness, but after much pleading from the groom he decided to agree.

On the day of the wedding he was treated like total crap.  He was left out of  a lot of what the other wedding party members were doing.  When announcing the groomsmen and bridesmaids they completely left him out. 

The cash bar for soda was just the straw that broke the camels back per we for me. 

The treatment that he received was so deplorable that we left directly after dinner.

Well, you haven't provided any details so I can't comment on reasonableness.  The annoucement could have been an error.  And I don't know if his disability precluded his participation in the other events.

aussie_chick

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #26 on: April 14, 2014, 05:12:50 AM »
Kathy coo. That wasn't the only reason I withheld it. 


My husband has a particular disability that is well known through his circle of friends.  He originally declined the invitation of being part of the wedding party die to this illness, but after much pleading from the groom he decided to agree.

On the day of the wedding he was treated like total crap.  He was left out of  a lot of what the other wedding party members were doing.  When announcing the groomsmen and bridesmaids they completely left him out. 

The cash bar for soda was just the straw that broke the camels back per we for me. 

The treatment that he received was so deplorable that we left directly after dinner.

Well, you haven't provided any details so I can't comment on reasonableness.  The annoucement could have been an error.  And I don't know if his disability precluded his participation in the other events.

being left out of the groomsmen announcement is a  reasonable detail as is being left out of specific wedding party activities. If the activities precluded his participation, then they should have either a) not insisted he be a groomsman or b) organised activities that all groomsmen could participate. doing anything else is rude.

Op, I did think initially that withholding the gift was rude, however guests can choose to give or not give whatever they like. Given that there were other reasons other than the cash bar that made you decide not to gift the HC, I think the gift not being given is a red herring as is leaving after dinner.

The initial question of etiquette was around a cash bar. I think that if you're (general You're) going that way, you have an obligation to let guests know in advance what will be provided and what they will have to pay for and how those items can be paid for (cash only, card, whatever), to avoid confusion and guests being unable to buy a drink because they didn't bring any cash.

shhh its me

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #27 on: April 14, 2014, 08:16:42 AM »
My issue was that I had to pay for soda, tea, etc. 

Cash bars are typically the norm for hard liquor with beer and wine being provided.


I guess I was a little peeved the bride took to FB to to state and I'm paraphrasing " the wedding is about the honored gues, you shouldn't be upset that you had to pay for soft drinks, when you didn't bring a gift or spend any money".

I would like to state I'm not going to go tit for tat with her, but my husband had to pay about $200.00 to rent a tux and another 200.00 for a bachelor party he stayed at for two hours.

By "honoured guests" I'm assuming she was referring to herself and the Groom, not to everyone else?  ::)

the bride became very defensive stating that we should not be annoyed by the cash bar since we didn't buy a gift.

I'm assuming the HC decided not to provide any drinks for their guests prior to discovering you hadn't given her a present, so her (lack of) "logic" doesn't leave her with a leg to stand on.

And what about their guests that did give them a present - how does she "justify" her poor hosting to them?


Excellent point! I assume the cash bar applied to everyone, not just those who didn't give gifts?


OP, I can't fault you too much for not giving your gift, after the treatment you and your DH endured. However, I'm less certain about the Facebook conversation. If you and your friends were saying "Oh, isn't it rude when Brides make their guests pay for all drinks?" then it does come off as a little passive-aggressive.

POD

I think all cash bars are rude (with exception of places were it is allowable) but vague booking about the etiquette of cash bars after a "friends" wedding I also think is rude. You don't get a pass because you didn't say her name.

Margo

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #28 on: April 14, 2014, 08:41:27 AM »
I don't hink havg a cash bar is rude per se, and more than having a 'dry' wedding is.

I do think that (particularly where an open bar is the norm) it would be courteous to let guests know in advance, and I do think that providing nothing but water is poor hosting. I would have thought that fruit juice or soda, and tea or coffee would be a bare minimum, as well as water.

Witholding he gift sounds like retaliatory rudeness to me, but the bride's behaviour in commenting on it is ruder still. Add in the couple's treatment of your husband as one of their groomsmen it sounds as though this is a friendship I'd be cooling off considerably, if I were you!

Oh Joy

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #29 on: April 14, 2014, 08:56:09 AM »
The gift is in celebration of the marriage, not a reciprocal exchange for a wedding feast. 

The Happy Couple certainly made a misstep in providing only water, but it was one poor decision in the dozens made in hosting a large event and caused no harm or discomfort to any guests.  In and of itself, it is quite extreme to specifically retract an intended gift for that sole reason.

However, given all of the drama leading up to and following the wedding, it sounds best that your households not pursue a warm social connection anyway.