Poor etiquette or not?

[nayberry]

if you provide all soft drinks and let guests know in advance that alcoholic drinks will be available for them to purchase, then i can understand that.
only having water provided and everything else you have to pay for, rude.

[YummyMummy66]

In our area, there are usually cash bars, but, I have never seen where the hosts only provide water. 

We are usually provided with water and soda at the least and almost usually beer.   Anything else, mixed drinks, hard liquor, etc., this is where the cash bar comes in.   Beer you can get by the keg, when it comes to alcohol, it can get very expensive, very fast and if people know you are paying for it, they will take advantage, so I have no problem with a cash bar.

I think it would have been nice however, to be alerted beforehand that they were only providing water.  I could have brought in my own drink then.  (If the establishment allowed it). 

If not, I certainly can live with water for a few hours.

[LeveeWoman]

My issue was that I had to pay for soda, tea, etc. 

Cash bars are typically the norm for hard liquor with beer and wine being provided.


I guess I was a little peeved the bride took to FB to to state and I'm paraphrasing " the wedding is about the honored gues, you shouldn't be upset that you had to pay for soft drinks, when you didn't bring a gift or spend any money".

I would like to state I'm not going to go tit for tat with her, but my husband had to pay about $200.00 to rent a tux and another 200.00 for a bachelor party he stayed at for two hours.

By "honoured guests" I'm assuming she was referring to herself and the Groom, not to everyone else? 

the bride became very defensive stating that we should not be annoyed by the cash bar since we didn't buy a gift.

I'm assuming the HC decided not to provide any drinks for their guests prior to discovering you hadn't given her a present, so her (lack of) "logic" doesn't leave her with a leg to stand on.

And what about their guests that did give them a present - how does she "justify" her poor hosting to them?

Excellent point! I assume the cash bar applied to everyone, not just those who didn't give gifts?


OP, I can't fault you too much for not giving your gift, after the treatment you and your DH endured. However, I'm less certain about the Facebook conversation. If you and your friends were saying "Oh, isn't it rude when Brides make their guests pay for all drinks?" then it does come off as a little passive-aggressive.

POD

I think all cash bars are rude (with exception of places were it is allowable) but vague booking about the etiquette of cash bars after a "friends" wedding I also think is rude. You don't get a pass because you didn't say her name.

I'm not seeing where Sizoki did that. From what she's posted, the bride is the one who is making passive-aggressive posts on FB. Maybe I've missed something.

[JenJay]

In post #14 OP said she and three others were having a discussion (on FB, I believe) about wedding etiquette/the bar issue and that's when the bride responded and mentioned the lack of gift. It's been asked if they were specifically discussing this wedding openly, where bride would see it and know they were talking about her wedding, but OP hasn't been back to the discussion yet.

[LeveeWoman]

In post #14 OP said she and three others were having a discussion (on FB, I believe) about wedding etiquette/the bar issue and that's when the bride responded and mentioned the lack of gift. It's been asked if they were specifically discussing this wedding openly, where bride would see it and know they were talking about her wedding, but OP hasn't been back to the discussion yet.

From post No. 10: It was never discussed with the bride.

She decided to comment on a FB post regarding a general discussion regarding wedding, wedding shower, and baby shower etiquette.

[Two Ravens]

In post #14 OP said she and three others were having a discussion (on FB, I believe) about wedding etiquette/the bar issue and that's when the bride responded and mentioned the lack of gift. It's been asked if they were specifically discussing this wedding openly, where bride would see it and know they were talking about her wedding, but OP hasn't been back to the discussion yet.

From post No. 10: It was never discussed with the bride.

She decided to comment on a FB post regarding a general discussion regarding wedding, wedding shower, and baby shower etiquette.

Yes, but what was the discussion? If it was "Cash bars are the height of rudeness. I can't believe people do this" or something like that, it would clearly be seen as a swipe at her. Especially knowing she's a Facebook friend.

[jmarvellous]

I agree with others that it's gauche to have a public conversation shaming people (even sideways) for their acts. Especially where they can read it!

I don't really like the idea of a cash bar at a hosted event, but I don't think a few thoughtless moments at a party are incentive to withhold a gift.

I'm still unclear about exactly how the husband was treated, but even if they were pretty thoughtless (and it sounds like they were), I'm still not 100% convinced that withholding an already purchased gift was the right route to make your point.

A non-passive-aggressive conversation between you and your husband and the newlyweds would be far more effective at addressing the hurt than the path you have chosen. I think this relationship is best ended on both sides (or maturely mended!).

[pierrotlunaire0]

In post #14 OP said she and three others were having a discussion (on FB, I believe) about wedding etiquette/the bar issue and that's when the bride responded and mentioned the lack of gift. It's been asked if they were specifically discussing this wedding openly, where bride would see it and know they were talking about her wedding, but OP hasn't been back to the discussion yet.

Actually, she never said that the discussion before the bride chimed in was about a cash bar.  It may have been, but that's not what she said.

If it was fairly obvious that they were using that wedding as the basis for discussion of etiquette, like others have said, I see why the bride did weigh in.  It sounds like a bad situation all round.

[TootsNYC]

The gift is in celebration of the marriage, not a reciprocal exchange for a wedding feast. 

The Happy Couple certainly made a misstep in providing only water, but it was one poor decision in the dozens made in hosting a large event and caused no harm or discomfort to any guests.  In and of itself, it is quite extreme to specifically retract an intended gift for that sole reason.

She didn't retract the gift. Retracting a gift is one of the rudest possible things, because to do so, you must have first given the gift and then you go to the recipient and say, "give it back." It's rude.
    And it doesn't matter what the reason is--it's still rude. Now, if the recipient did a horrible-enough thing (assault your sister, or something), it might be a rudeness you are willing to commit, or one that other people would consider justified, but it's still a rudeness.

However: The OP didn't retract anything.

She decided not to give something after all. That's not retracting. It was never mentioned to the intended recipient. (That's why the bride thinks she & her DH never gave a gift--because the OP never gave the gift at all. And so she could not have retracted it.)

[JenJay]

In post #14 OP said she and three others were having a discussion (on FB, I believe) about wedding etiquette/the bar issue and that's when the bride responded and mentioned the lack of gift. It's been asked if they were specifically discussing this wedding openly, where bride would see it and know they were talking about her wedding, but OP hasn't been back to the discussion yet.

From post No. 10: It was never discussed with the bride.

She decided to comment on a FB post regarding a general discussion regarding wedding, wedding shower, and baby shower etiquette.

Ahh see, I missed that, thanks! So the bride not only provided nothing but water, but then sought out a generic discussion on event etiquette and called out her guests for not gifting her, while simultaneously justifying her bad hosting by blaming it on said lack of gifts. I'm thinking somebody knew she was being a cheap host and went on the offense about it.

Edited to add - Okay, few new replies since I typed up this response. For me, it comes down to timing. If the discussion was generic and happened before the wedding, bride is in the wrong to have jumped in all defensive and nasty about the gifts. If the discussion was after the wedding and the participants maybe didn't name the bride & groom specifically, but it was obvious whose wedding was being discussed, I do think that was wrong. I don't blame the guests for being upset about the water thing but having a public, thinly-veiled discussion about it isn't appropriate, IMO .

[Kaymar]

In post #14 OP said she and three others were having a discussion (on FB, I believe) about wedding etiquette/the bar issue and that's when the bride responded and mentioned the lack of gift. It's been asked if they were specifically discussing this wedding openly, where bride would see it and know they were talking about her wedding, but OP hasn't been back to the discussion yet.

From post No. 10: It was never discussed with the bride.

She decided to comment on a FB post regarding a general discussion regarding wedding, wedding shower, and baby shower etiquette.

Ahh see, I missed that, thanks! So the bride not only provided nothing but water, but then sought out a generic discussion on event etiquette and called out her guests for not gifting her, while simultaneously justifying her bad hosting by blaming it on said lack of gifts. I'm thinking somebody knew she was being a cheap host and went on the offense about it.

Timing can be everything though... if I attend your wedding on Saturday and post a "general" wedding etiquette musing post on FB on Sunday, I would not think you were being paranoid if you concluded that the post might have been prompted by your wedding rather than just out of nowhere.  Obvs OP has not clued us in as to what exactly happened here, so it's still unclear, but I think something can be "general" while still having the appearance of targeting another.

[menley]

Timing can be everything though... if I attend your wedding on Saturday and post a "general" wedding etiquette musing post on FB on Sunday, I would not think you were being paranoid if you concluded that the post might have been prompted by your wedding rather than just out of nowhere.  Obvs OP has not clued us in as to what exactly happened here, so it's still unclear, but I think something can be "general" while still having the appearance of targeting another.

I agree with this completely. If my wedding were on one weekend, and the following week several friends who attended my wedding were discussing wedding etiquette, I would likely assume something about my wedding sparked the conversation. I think that is a reasonable assumption.

[knitwicca]

I, too, was made to feel unwelcome as a member of a wedding party - several years ago.

A 'friend' insisted that she wanted me to be in her wedding as a bridesmaid. Additional bridesmaids were the bride's own daughters and the groom's daughter (3 teens, 1 tween).
When I arrived at the venue to dress and help the bride if she needed, I discovered that she had taken all the other members of the wedding party (including the MOB, MOG, bride's son's tween gf) out for hair, nails and photos during the day. (I was not invited to that)
I also discovered that the bride expected me to pay for my own bouquet, the bride's bouquet, help clear after the meal (although the caterers were there) and babysit the smaller children while the wedding party's photos were taken. And, although I was in the wedding party, I was seated with some of the groom's extended family who I had never met.

Oh, btw, where was the expensive gift she had "asked" for? The most expensive thing on the registry? The wrapped gift I brought to the wedding was apparently not the one thing she had "requested".

I put a smile on, behaved with grace, did not help the catering staff nor did I babysit.
I left as soon as possible after dinner and toasts.

This ended our friendship.

[Oh Joy]

The gift is in celebration of the marriage, not a reciprocal exchange for a wedding feast. 

The Happy Couple certainly made a misstep in providing only water, but it was one poor decision in the dozens made in hosting a large event and caused no harm or discomfort to any guests.  In and of itself, it is quite extreme to specifically retract an intended gift for that sole reason.

She didn't retract the gift. Retracting a gift is one of the rudest possible things, because to do so, you must have first given the gift and then you go to the recipient and say, "give it back." It's rude.
    And it doesn't matter what the reason is--it's still rude. Now, if the recipient did a horrible-enough thing (assault your sister, or something), it might be a rudeness you are willing to commit, or one that other people would consider justified, but it's still a rudeness.

However: The OP didn't retract anything.

She decided not to give something after all. That's not retracting. It was never mentioned to the intended recipient. (That's why the bride thinks she & her DH never gave a gift--because the OP never gave the gift at all. And so she could not have retracted it.)

I do admit to being very curious how the not-giving played out.  Here it is the norm to leave cards and gifts at a table (with a basket or more secure container for cards since they likely include a monetary gift) when entering the reception venue.  But our OP didn't give the gift card based on the reception catering.  Did she retrieve the gift card from inside the greeting card then put the greeting card back in the basket?  Did she take back the whole thing?  Had she kept the cards on herself through the evening, planning to hand them to the HC personally later in the evening?  I hope we continue to learn more.

[SoCalVal]

I think in my social environment, a cash bar would be considered rude.  I have to say, though, that I can't consider providing water only rude, but I would say it's poor hosting.  When I attend BIL and SIL's reception, they had a cocktail hour that only provided beer, wine or water.  Apparently, one branch of BIL and DH's family was not satisfied with that option (for one, the kids didn't want just water, along with those family members who don't drink alcohol) so they left the hotel where the reception was held to run down to the liquor store nearby and get non-alcoholic beverages for all of them.  About an hour or so later when the HC and wedding party arrives, I saw BIL putting out soda cans from 12-packs (which, to me, indicated poor execution resulting in unintentional poor hosting for the first 1.5 hours).  However, it was clear looking at our table (I sat with that branch of the family) that outside beverages had been purchased (I stuck with water when I arrived, I think).  We didn't have hard liquor at our reception (couldn't afford it), but we did MAKE SURE TO BUDGET for beer, wine, sparkling wine & sparkling cider (for toasting), bottled water and three soda options (regular Coke, Diet Coke and Sprite for those not wanting caffeine).  We also had a coffee maker (but it was broken so, not by our fault, we ended up not having coffee -- we had lots of everything else so our guests didn't care).  Anyway, the point is that we BUDGETED to have beverage options, not provided a cash bar so that our guests had to buy anything other than water (and, for OP's situation, was that bottled water available or just water from the tap?).  Again, water only is not rude, in my opinion, but for a formal event like a wedding reception, I think it's poor hosting (very rude, though of the bride to not only expect a gift but call out OP on it).  And, honestly, non-alcoholic options really aren't expensive so it makes me wonder on what the HC spent their wedding budget (the only scenario I would think water-only is an acceptable option is if this were a reception only serving cake).