Author Topic: Poor etiquette or not?  (Read 7100 times)

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Sizoki Dosyan

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #60 on: April 14, 2014, 09:20:43 PM »
Jean jay-myself and three other people were having an etiquette discussion and she decided to call me out for not giving a gift. 

At this time he does not want to continue a relationship with the groom.  It was under his advisement that the gift was not given.

Were all of you having this etiquette discussion about weddings right after attending hers?  Because if so, it would be pretty clear that you were in fact talking about her.  If it's just a coincidence, then that's another matter.

No the wedding was about three months ago we were discussing etiquette in general

Sizoki Dosyan

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #61 on: April 14, 2014, 09:24:56 PM »
My issue was that I had to pay for soda, tea, etc. 

Cash bars are typically the norm for hard liquor with beer and wine being provided.


I guess I was a little peeved the bride took to FB to to state and I'm paraphrasing " the wedding is about the honored gues, you shouldn't be upset that you had to pay for soft drinks, when you didn't bring a gift or spend any money".

I would like to state I'm not going to go tit for tat with her, but my husband had to pay about $200.00 to rent a tux and another 200.00 for a bachelor party he stayed at for two hours.

By "honoured guests" I'm assuming she was referring to herself and the Groom, not to everyone else?  ::)

the bride became very defensive stating that we should not be annoyed by the cash bar since we didn't buy a gift.

I'm assuming the HC decided not to provide any drinks for their guests prior to discovering you hadn't given her a present, so her (lack of) "logic" doesn't leave her with a leg to stand on.

And what about their guests that did give them a present - how does she "justify" her poor hosting to them?


Excellent point! I assume the cash bar applied to everyone, not just those who didn't give gifts?


OP, I can't fault you too much for not giving your gift, after the treatment you and your DH endured. However, I'm less certain about the Facebook conversation. If you and your friends were saying "Oh, isn't it rude when Brides make their guests pay for all drinks?" then it does come off as a little passive-aggressive.

POD

I think all cash bars are rude (with exception of places were it is allowable) but vague booking about the etiquette of cash bars after a "friends" wedding I also think is rude. You don't get a pass because you didn't say her name.

We were discussing etiquette in general not just pertaining to weddings

Two Ravens

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #62 on: April 14, 2014, 09:26:23 PM »
Jean jay-myself and three other people were having an etiquette discussion and she decided to call me out for not giving a gift. 

At this time he does not want to continue a relationship with the groom.  It was under his advisement that the gift was not given.

Were all of you having this etiquette discussion about weddings right after attending hers?  Because if so, it would be pretty clear that you were in fact talking about her.  If it's just a coincidence, then that's another matter.

No the wedding was about three months ago we were discussing etiquette in general

Etiquette in general about cash bars? Because in your OP you stated:
Also, having a discussion on a social networking site regarding etiquette the bride became very defensive stating that we should not be annoyed by the cash bar since we didn't buy a gift.


It would be odd for her to mention that ( and your annoyance specifically) unless you were talking about it.

Sizoki Dosyan

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Re: Poor etiquette or not? More info post #63
« Reply #63 on: April 14, 2014, 09:40:13 PM »
This is my original FB post

I was having a conversation with a co worker today and we were discussing etiquette in regards to weddings, wedding and baby showers. She felt that cash bars in any sense were rude, you should only have one shower period, and that the bride or mother to be shouldn't plan there shower. What are your opinions?




I received several responses
Mine- i think cash bars for alcohol are fine, but I don't think your guest should have to pay for the soda, tea, coffee, or non alcoholic choices. I think that each child should be celebrated, but when you have quite a bit of children 9-12 months apart after awhile what else could you possibly need.
Yesterday at 5:37pm Like



Hers-I definitely don't think cash bars are rude, a lot of money goes into having a wedding an as a bride /groom you should choose how you want to spend that money. Especially if you attended a wedding didn't bring a gift or spend any money you should have really no complaints about paying for pop , juice etc.
Yesterday at 9:09pm Like



But these are mine and hers
« Last Edit: April 14, 2014, 09:42:36 PM by Sizoki Dosyan »

TootsNYC

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #64 on: April 14, 2014, 09:43:48 PM »
I don't think her comment reads as a direct slam at you. Esp. not if you think yours wasn't a slam at her.

Kaymar

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #65 on: April 14, 2014, 09:48:41 PM »
I don't think her comment reads as a direct slam at you. Esp. not if you think yours wasn't a slam at her.

Agreed, particularly since you targeted cash bars specifically, along with showers/etc. Curious about what this lady's shower(s) are/were like but that's not on point here. 

Sizoki Dosyan

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #66 on: April 14, 2014, 09:49:23 PM »
Except the part where she says.....YOU dust bring a gift or pay for anything.


I think that if it wasn't a direct slam then she could have left the YOU part out

TootsNYC

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #67 on: April 14, 2014, 09:50:20 PM »
Except the part where she says.....YOU dust bring a gift or pay for anything.


I think that if it wasn't a direct slam then she could have left the YOU part out

People use "you" to mean the generic "you"; "a person." People do it all the time.

Kaymar

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #68 on: April 14, 2014, 09:54:17 PM »
Except the part where she says.....YOU dust bring a gift or pay for anything.


I think that if it wasn't a direct slam then she could have left the YOU part out

Targeting a cash bar when (likely) the last wedding you've been to had one is only optically less direct.

Vall

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #69 on: April 14, 2014, 10:12:46 PM »
I don't think her comment reads as a direct slam at you. Esp. not if you think yours wasn't a slam at her.
I agree.

SoCalVal

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #70 on: April 14, 2014, 10:36:23 PM »
I don't think her comment reads as a direct slam at you. Esp. not if you think yours wasn't a slam at her.
I agree.

Pod.  I read the you as a generic you.



LifeOnPluto

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Re: Poor etiquette or not? More info post #63
« Reply #71 on: April 14, 2014, 10:37:29 PM »
This is my original FB post

I was having a conversation with a co worker today and we were discussing etiquette in regards to weddings, wedding and baby showers. She felt that cash bars in any sense were rude, you should only have one shower period, and that the bride or mother to be shouldn't plan there shower. What are your opinions?




I received several responses
Mine- i think cash bars for alcohol are fine, but I don't think your guest should have to pay for the soda, tea, coffee, or non alcoholic choices. I think that each child should be celebrated, but when you have quite a bit of children 9-12 months apart after awhile what else could you possibly need.
Yesterday at 5:37pm Like



Hers-I definitely don't think cash bars are rude, a lot of money goes into having a wedding an as a bride /groom you should choose how you want to spend that money. Especially if you attended a wedding didn't bring a gift or spend any money you should have really no complaints about paying for pop , juice etc.
Yesterday at 9:09pm Like



But these are mine and hers

Given this update, I don't think you were rude for simply expressing the opinion that guests shouldn't have to pay for non-alcoholic drinks.

The Bride was not rude for expressing her opinion that cash bars for everything are ok (although I completely disagree with it). I also read the word "you" as being "general you", not "OP in particular".

CakeEater

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Re: Poor etiquette or not? More info post #63
« Reply #72 on: April 15, 2014, 08:23:47 AM »
This is my original FB post

I was having a conversation with a co worker today and we were discussing etiquette in regards to weddings, wedding and baby showers. She felt that cash bars in any sense were rude, you should only have one shower period, and that the bride or mother to be shouldn't plan there shower. What are your opinions?




I received several responses
Mine- i think cash bars for alcohol are fine, but I don't think your guest should have to pay for the soda, tea, coffee, or non alcoholic choices. I think that each child should be celebrated, but when you have quite a bit of children 9-12 months apart after awhile what else could you possibly need.
Yesterday at 5:37pm Like



Hers-I definitely don't think cash bars are rude, a lot of money goes into having a wedding an as a bride /groom you should choose how you want to spend that money. Especially if you attended a wedding didn't bring a gift or spend any money you should have really no complaints about paying for pop , juice etc.
Yesterday at 9:09pm Like



But these are mine and hers

So only a couple of months after attending her wedding where she had a cash bar, you began a discussion of the etiquette of cash bars, and specifically said they were rude. Where the bride would see the comment.

I think having a completely cash bar and providing only water is bad hosting.

And her commenting on your post is your own fault, I'm afraid. You mentioned something specifically that she did not long ago, that mutual friends would know that she did, and publicly said you thought it was rude. Not at all surprising that she hit back.

rigs32

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #73 on: April 15, 2014, 11:48:41 AM »

I do admit to being very curious how the not-giving played out.  Here it is the norm to leave cards and gifts at a table (with a basket or more secure container for cards since they likely include a monetary gift) when entering the reception venue. 

A gift is not the entry fee to a reception.  Sometimes the card/gift table is near the door, sometimes it's on another wall.  I've been known to have the card in my purse, or SO's pocket and it's not until midway into the reception that we remembered to put it in the box/basket.

Micah

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Re: Poor etiquette or not?
« Reply #74 on: April 15, 2014, 08:03:37 PM »
Every wedding I've been to has a cash bar. Soft drinks, tea and coffee are usually free and each table has a bottle of bubbly for the toast, everything else you pay for.

When I was looking at getting married, most of the wedding packages were tailored this way. The cost of the package included the meals and the table bottles of wine, but it was just assumed that the guests would pay for the bar.
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